The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[mjkacmom]

The OP said her groom has a big extended family. I'm guessing the majority of people on MIL's list are family, while those on the groom's list are friends and coworkers.

 

[Hikergirl]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

I do think that its a nice that the MOG would be willing to pay for her guests, but if this is something your dd truly does not want for her own wedding she needs to speak up. Idk if she has made her wishes clear to her fiance but if she has then he needs to speak up as well.

 

[cabanafrau]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

I don't think it's out of line to discuss with your daughter exactly what her discomfort is regarding the expanded guest list. Getting her to express exactly what it is about the situation that makes her overwhelmed might help her find a way to either be more comfortable with it or a way to address the aspects that are making her overwhelmed and end the distress. If the bottom line is truly that she's not going to be happy with this expanded guest list, perhaps letting her flesh out her feelings (hers, not mom's or any other's) might help her formulate the words to express her feelings to her fiance so they can reach a solution together.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I second cabanafrau's thoghts!

OP, Thanks for the update!!!
That is how I was reading your original post.

I do hope that all is well in the end!!!

If there are any changes/limits/etc... Then, yes, this should be worked out between the bride and groom.
As I and a couple of others have mentioned, of course try to be there and be supportive to your Dd, but other than that, best that you try to stay out of it as much as possible!

 

[pryncess527]

The OP said her groom has a big extended family. I'm guessing the majority of people on MIL's list are family, while those on the groom's list are friends and coworkers.

If that is true, I'm going to call that bad accounting. They are the groom's family too, and if the groom wants them there they should be counted in the groom's numbers. Just my personal opinion.

 

[jormom1030]

I am curious. How many of the in laws numbers are family members?

 

[Nancyg56]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

This is different than what you originally posted. I feel strongly that the couple is the focus and that thy should be the ones determining the number of guests per "party." It is odd to me that either parent has more guests than the couple, unless the number if total family per side and the couple has their number to add their friends. When the planning began, did the groom share your DD's vision, and has she been honest with him now that her vision has taken a back seat? This is what I mean when i say that how the couple plans is a peek inside of what their future relationship may look like.

When my DS and DDIL were planning their wedding they kept talking about a rustic very informal event. I believed them, right until I took my future DDIL dress shopping. She might have been agreeing that she wanted what they said they wanted, but that dress told me otherwise. She tried on all of the dresses that went with their informal event, but she was eyeing the formal gowns. She chose her dream gown and I bought if as my gift to her, but I also discussed this with my son. My DDIL was agreeing to what she thought DS wanted, and he needed to know that he needed to probe a bit more to find out what she really wanted because rustic was not it. Picture Cinderella sweeping in the ballroom...escorted by a handsome Dad (My husband gladly escorted her down the aisle) DDIL is lovely, but her personality really has not changed. She will routinely defer to what my DS wants and tends to take a less independent role in their partnership. This is between them, and they are happy and devoted to one another, so as a parent I am very happy for them. I got that little inside glimpse of how their relationship would eventually blossom and I am just suggesting that your DD and her DF already are forming their compromise patterns, just as my two were.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

If that is true, I'm going to call that bad accounting. They are the groom's family too, and if the groom wants them there they should be counted in the groom's numbers. Just my personal opinion.

I agree. Family should go as being on the groom's list. It is his family too and from what the OP said, he wants the big wedding. Now if his mom is trying to invite her boss that should count towards her number.

 

[luvsJack]

Dd and her bf have been having a few conversations about weddings (no date set, he hasn't officially asked her yet). And I guess he is in the "minority" because he truly wants a big guest list. She has the bigger family but they have a LOT of friends together. He wants to be able to include anyone and everyone. She wants a beach wedding so they have talked about where so that everyone could be invited. Don't assume its the MOG, it may very well be the groom. Some guys really are social.


Now, when and if they have a wedding, it will be the third one of my kids. With yds, there were no issues as it was basically a immediate family only wedding and a huge reception. But with ods, we knew there would be a lot of extended family plus friends in a small church. So we all sat down (us, ds and finance, her parents) and made a list of family members who would be invited. Then we divided the rest of the number up so that everyone could pick friends to invite. We gave our number to ds because I didn't see the need in inviting my friends if some of his were getting left out. I think the bride's parents gave her some of their number too but her father's line of work sort made it a requirement for him to invite certain people. But that's just how we did it.

Either way, if the groom wants a big wedding its his day too. Your daughter needs to sit down and talk to him about her concerns with the numbers and sees where he stands on it. Maybe she just needs to relax and give a little his way.

 

[mjkacmom]

If that is true, I'm going to call that bad accounting. They are the groom's family too, and if the groom wants them there they should be counted in the groom's numbers. Just my personal opinion.

I sincerely doubt the MIL is inviting 80 of her close friends!

 

[cabanafrau]

Dd and her bf have been having a few conversations about weddings (no date set, he hasn't officially asked her yet). And I guess he is in the "minority" because he truly wants a big guest list. She has the bigger family but they have a LOT of friends together. He wants to be able to include anyone and everyone. She wants a beach wedding so they have talked about where so that everyone could be invited. Don't assume its the MOG, it may very well be the groom. Some guys really are social.


Now, when and if they have a wedding, it will be the third one of my kids. With yds, there were no issues as it was basically a immediate family only wedding and a huge reception. But with ods, we knew there would be a lot of extended family plus friends in a small church. So we all sat down (us, ds and finance, her parents) and made a list of family members who would be invited. Then we divided the rest of the number up so that everyone could pick friends to invite. We gave our number to ds because I didn't see the need in inviting my friends if some of his were getting left out. I think the bride's parents gave her some of their number too but her father's line of work sort made it a requirement for him to invite certain people. But that's just how we did it.

Either way, if the groom wants a big wedding its his day too. Your daughter needs to sit down and talk to him about her concerns with the numbers and sees where he stands on it. Maybe she just needs to relax and give a little his way.

I think the reason in OP's case to assume it's MOG is the allocation of the amounts. I don't think it's just an automatic assumption for every wedding.

I will agree that if MOG's numbers are so skewed because of family members there may be very good reasoning more invites are necessary -- and further explains why the groom might support that idea as well.

 

[pryncess527]

I sincerely doubt the MIL is inviting 80 of her close friends!

I've learned not to make those kind of assumptions, you never know!!! I've seen crazier things . . .

 

[Hikergirl]

I agree. Family should go as being on the groom's list. It is his family too and from what the OP said, he wants the big wedding. Now if his mom is trying to invite her boss that should count towards her number.

I disagree with that unless the groom really wants them to be there. I have a very large extended family but when it came time for my wedding many were not on my list because I wasn't close to them and didn't really want them there. They were people I saw maybe once a year or two, kind of like people who you know of, but not who you really know well.
Now, for my father it was important for them to be there because he was close to them, so they went on his list of "must invite".

I did end up cutting my list short to accommodate them because my father paid for my wedding and I felt I owed him at least that. Looking back I don't regret it, I had a great wedding with plenty of people I was close too there to share the day with me. However if I could do it over I would do it differently and invite less extended family and more of my friends and/or co-workers.

I'm sure whatever happens with the guest list the bride and groom will have a wonderful day and the guest list will be the farthest thing from their minds.

 

[sam_gordon]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20.

How were those numbers arrived at? Did they get to 150 and then figure out the breakdown or did they figure out how many each need/want to invite and got it to 150? And yes, I think it matters.

 

[sk!mom]

Honestly, the MOG getting over 50% of the invites is unheard of in my world. I'm all for parents getting some invites, but for the MOG to have more than the Bride, Groom, and Bride's family combined is insane. I'd be past overwhelmed and flat out unhappy.

And to be quite honest, I'd expect my Groom to say something to his mother about it. If the groom's list creeps up to 50 that's one thing, but for the MOG's to creep up when she's already invited more than half the guests -- No. Just no. I don't care that she's paying for them, that completely changes the tone and feel of the wedding to have her dominate the guest list so heavily.

If the groom's family is that large and MOG is counting family in her numbers then there may not be a solution. If, however, that's a lot of friends then the feel of the day would be my concern. If the bride doesn't know half the invitees it feels less like the couple's celebration and more like mom's.

 

[morgan98]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

I think it is great everyone seems agreeable to paying for their own guests, as paying for the costs is sometimes a cause for stress. However, I still think that the bride and the groom should get to set parameters on how big a wedding is. I am not sure the MOG should get the largest guest list.

Fine, maybe she has a big family she wants to invite. But maybe she is considering family everyone down to the third cousins who the bride has never met and have not seen the groom since he was 3 years old. The couple has every right to say these people do not need to be included.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I disagree with that unless the groom really wants them to be there. I have a very large extended family but when it came time for my wedding many were not on my list because I wasn't close to them and didn't really want them there. They were people I saw maybe once a year or two, kind of like people who you know of, but not who you really know well.
Now, for my father it was important for them to be there because he was close to them, so they went on his list of "must invite".

I did end up cutting my list short to accommodate them because my father paid for my wedding and I felt I owed him at least that. Looking back I don't regret it, I had a great wedding with plenty of people I was close too there to share the day with me. However if I could do it over I would do it differently and invite less extended family and more of my friends and/or co-workers.

I'm sure whatever happens with the guest list the bride and groom will have a wonderful day and the guest list will be the farthest thing from their minds.

But the OP stated the groom wants the big wedding. Maybe he's just shifting the blame on his mom.

 

[pryncess527]

I think it is great everyone seems agreeable to paying for their own guests, as paying for the costs is sometimes a cause for stress. However, I still think that the bride and the groom should get to set parameters on how big a wedding is. I am not sure the MOG should get the largest guest list.

Fine, maybe she has a big family she wants to invite. But maybe she is considering family everyone down to the third cousins who the bride has never met and have not seen the groom since he was 3 years old. The couple has every right to say these people do not need to be included.

Agreed. Family that groom wants there should be on grooms list. If Groom has all family he wants there on his list, and MOG's list is still over 50% of the wedding, groom needs to step up and talk to his mother.
If groom is using his mother as cover to have the big wedding he wants without copping to it, well, that's a whole 'nother issue.

 

[Hikergirl]

But the OP stated the groom wants the big wedding. Maybe he's just shifting the blame on his mom.

I took that as part of the original compromise of going to 150 guests instead of having a small wedding. The OP said his list was mostly friends and co-workers.
There is truth probably somewhere in the middle, he wants some of his family there too, maybe mom wants the entire family there. Easy to blame mom instead of telling his bride to be the truth LOL.
I hope they can work something out so everyone is happy, but mostly the bride and groom are.

 

[Wishing on a star]

For those who are saying, but if he has a large family....

From the original post:

I think inviting your postman's cousin is just rude, even if you are offering to pay the difference.

Clearly, this ever increasing guest list goes beyond what would be a reasonable definition of 'family'.

I am from a large family... I could, and did, easily plan our wedding without having over 100 of my family members in attendance. DH is/was from out of State. And, does not have such an extended family. I can assure you that the breakdown was not over 100-150 guests on my side.. 20 on his....

I do wish people would full read and consider the original posts, before jumping to promote or defend their personal agendas.

I feel for you OP! Vent away!
Hope the bride and groom can work thru this with both sets of parents.