The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[mjkacmom]

Yes but is the couple ok with a bigger wedding?

We don't know, the OP never gave the groom's opinion.

 

[punkin]

Just wanted to say, that the fiance has tried to limit his parents a little, but he totally wants the big wedding...and yes, I was using some hyperbole. Lol.

 

[gotomu212]

Just wanted to say, that the fiance has tried to limit his parents a little, but he totally wants the big wedding...and yes, I was using some hyperbole. Lol.

Ohhhhh if the groom wants a big wedding and the bride wants a smaller one they're going to need to work that out. It'll be a great first step on a lifetime of compromise and conflict resolution.

My advice to OP as the mother of the bride is to kindly listen when your daughter vents, gently make suggestions if she wants them, and bite your tongue if she just wants to vent. This will pay off in spades and set up a great grown up relationship with your daughter where she thinks of you as a supportive sounding board for when husbands and future children occasionally drive her nuts!

 

[mjkacmom]

I want to add that I get it, my parents paid for our wedding, venue was limited (indoor/outdoor with huge front porch, tent in the back, gardens - lots of room if it didn't rain...) MIL insisted on inviting friends of hers that DH had never even met. They all ended of RSVPing late with regrets, too late for us to invite others who we had to leave off due to space issues.

However, 21 years later, we all still get along great!

 

[sam_gordon]

Just wanted to say, that the fiance has tried to limit his parents a little, but he totally wants the big wedding...and yes, I was using some hyperbole. Lol.

Then your DD needs to have a talk with the fiance. You (and future MiL) need to stay out of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, if the groom wants the big wedding (not just to appease mama) then this should be worked out with them.
Seems that some limit should be set, like the original one, without all of the ongoing additions.
To come to a compromise, and then to ignore/disrepect the compromise. Maybe that seems to be the issue?

I would say that my assumption would be that the mother would want the big wedding and not necessarily the groom.
Maybe a iittle bit of a prejudiced/sexist veiwpoint!!!!

 

[Mirielle]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

 

[Nancyg56]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

Really? I was married 25 years ago and my husband was more invested int eh size of our wedding than I was.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Like I openly admitted, It might be a sexist prejudice... But, I think that the number of young men who truly, for themselves... not to appease their mother/family, want such a big event, would def. be the minority.

If that original number of guest was not enough, then I can say that I am seeing no efforts here on the grooms family to make reasonable compromise.
I don't think this bodes well for the bride and her family in a marriage/relationship.

OP stated the DD wanted a small wedding. There was a so-called compromise agreed upon. (is 150 guest even a compromise????) And, now that is being disrespected.

Houston, we have a problem.....

OP: Having said that, you need to walk a fine line and try to stay out of it. This is up to the couple to work thru. Hasn't it been said that often the wedding is the first real-word test of how a couple will fare as they work thu situations in their lives.

 

[mjkacmom]

THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED!!!!! Lol

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

The last two weddings I've been to the grooms wanted their entire families plus friends there which led to bigger weddings. One bride compromised and did a destination wedding since she originally wanted to elope. They're having 75 people. Double what they expected in people and price. But way less than 200 people had they had it at home.

 

[sam_gordon]

Like I openly admitted, It might be a sexist prejudice... But, I think that the number of young men who truly, for themselves... not to appease their mother/family, want such a big event, would def. be the minority.

If that original number of guest was not enough, then I can say that I am seeing no efforts here on the grooms family to make reasonable compromise.
I don't think this bodes well for the bride and her family in a marriage/relationship.

OP stated the DD wanted a small wedding. There was a so-called compromise agreed upon. (is 150 guest even a compromise????) And, now that is being disrespected.

Houston, we have a problem.....

OP: Having said that, you need to walk a fine line and try to stay out of it. This is up to the couple to work thru. Hasn't it been said that often the wedding is the first real-word test of how a couple will fare as they work thu situations in their lives.

Assume much? I'm sure grooms wanting a big wedding are in the minority. So? Maybe this guy's in the minority.

You also have no idea how many people the grooms family originally wanted, so how can you say whether the 150 number was reasonable or not?
And of course, the marriage is doomed because of this.

The only thing you said that isn't based on an assumption is that this is up to the couple to discuss and the OP should stay out of it.

 

[Hikergirl]

Regardless of which one wants more people at the wedding, the decisions and compromises should be made between the couple themselves. When you have parents starting to make demands and their child wanting to change things because of that, you as a couple have an issue.
I'm not saying that is the case here, maybe the groom is the one who wants to add more and more people, and it definitely doesn't mean the relationship is doomed either.
It just means that you as a married couple need to work on how to keep other people out of decisions that should be your own.

 

[Nancyg56]

Like I openly admitted, It might be a sexist prejudice... But, I think that the number of young men who truly, for themselves... not to appease their mother/family, want such a big event, would def. be the minority.

If that original number of guest was not enough, then I can say that I am seeing no efforts here on the grooms family to make reasonable compromise.
I don't think this bodes well for the bride and her family in a marriage/relationship.
I don't think so, at all.

OP stated the DD wanted a small wedding. There was a so-called compromise agreed upon. (is 150 guest even a compromise????) And, now that is being disrespected.

Houston, we have a problem.....

OP: Having said that, you need to walk a fine line and try to stay out of it. This is up to the couple to work thru. Hasn't it been said that often the wedding is the first real-word test of how a couple will fare as they work thu situations in their lives.

I do think this is a sexist view. I am married to a very old school guy and the last thing he would do is acquiesce to his family over my concerns, and this was in regards to our wedding 25 years ago. All of the men in my family, from both of my sons to my son in law all had opinions and actively participated in their wedding planning, and with the exception on my DD and DSIL, all had weddings in excess of 150. Our wedding was 400 people, of which about 50 people were from my guest list. The rest were my husbands. HIS, not his mothers, although his family is large, and his friends list extensive.

I do not think it is clear if teh OP DD has been disrespected, so far we only know the venting she expressed to Mom. I do think that wedding planning and compromise is indicative to how the relationship will grow, however. How the bridal couple handles any dissatisfaction with these plans may be a roadmap to how each individual handles decision making later on.
My godchild just married 2 weeks ago. My sister is very opinionated, and had a difficult time as my niece navigated the planning process. It was very clear to me as an observer and sometimes listening ear to both, while my godchild chose not to argue with her Mom, she never gave her carte blanche either. Every decision was discussed between my nieces in private. Both women recognized that they each had a family with traditions and that it was important to blend some from both sides, as well as keeping to their vision.

Is the bridal couple doing this? Who knows?

 

[gillep]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

I don't really think this is strange at all given my experiences with my friends and my husband's friends who are married/engaged. I wanted to elope and my husband wanted a large wedding/huge party, we ended up with a little over 100 people, in a relaxed setting that still included drinks/food/dancing, as a compromise.

My husband had quite a few opinions regarding the wedding, and we worked together to make the day one that we were both comfortable with, and was affordable, as we paid for the majority of the wedding and had just graduated from college the year prior.

 

[pryncess527]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

Really? I was married 25 years ago and my husband was more invested int eh size of our wedding than I was.

Same here, though I was only married 13 years ago. DH didn't care about as many details as I did, but it was his wedding too and he absolutely had a strong opinion about a handful of things. One of them was the size of the wedding -- I was planning a hometown affair, and because we were from the same town the guest list was becoming HUGE. One day early in planning I realized that if we went through with that, he was going to dread our wedding day for months and that is the last emotion I wanted him to feel about such a special event. So we stopped and reconsidered everything and came up with something that made us both happy, and that we could both be excited about. It was not the Princess-Diana-esque wedding that 6-year-old-me dreamed of, but it turned out to be exactly the wedding that 24-year-old me really wanted, and such a reflection of who we are as a team.

 

[pryncess527]

OP stated the DD wanted a small wedding. There was a so-called compromise agreed upon. (is 150 guest even a compromise????)
.

Depends on what the alternative was :lol My guest list was creeping up to 450 when we decided to go the destination route. I've attended a wedding in my hometown with 600 people. 150 could totally be a compromise

 

[punkin]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

 

[pryncess527]

150 was a compromise. MOG got 80, groom got 30, bride got 20 and I got 20. MOG wanted 130 by herself and groom's original list was closer to 50. Now the numbers seem to bee creeping back up to their original lists. It's not a question of money since everyone will pay for their own guests and the venue will fit, but this was just not DD's vision, and she's not really unhappy, just overwhelmed, I guess.

Honestly, the MOG getting over 50% of the invites is unheard of in my world. I'm all for parents getting some invites, but for the MOG to have more than the Bride, Groom, and Bride's family combined is insane. I'd be past overwhelmed and flat out unhappy.

And to be quite honest, I'd expect my Groom to say something to his mother about it. If the groom's list creeps up to 50 that's one thing, but for the MOG's to creep up when she's already invited more than half the guests -- No. Just no. I don't care that she's paying for them, that completely changes the tone and feel of the wedding to have her dominate the guest list so heavily.

 

[cabanafrau]

Honestly, the MOG getting over 50% of the invites is unheard of in my world. I'm all for parents getting some invites, but for the MOG to have more than the Bride, Groom, and Bride's family combined is insane. I'd be past overwhelmed and flat out unhappy.

And to be quite honest, I'd expect my Groom to say something to his mother about it. If the groom's list creeps up to 50 that's one thing, but for the MOG's to creep up when she's already invited more than half the guests -- No. Just no. I don't care that she's paying for them, that completely changes the tone and feel of the wedding to have her dominate the guest list so heavily.

Have to agree. I'm not one to immediately run to battle station -- It's the Bride and Groom's Day, It Should Be All About the Bride and Groom! But I do think the focus of the day should be about celebrating this union, no matter who's paying the bill, or the majority of the bill as the case may be.

The majority of the guest list being devoted to guests not affiliated pretty directly with either the bride or the groom does tend to co opt the essence of what the celebration boils down to IMO. I'm not even suggesting that guests should not include friends of the couples' parents, because in many cases those friends of the parents are essentially family friends who maybe came and saw the kids when they were in their HS musical, came to the grad party, etc. They've been de facto part of the bride or groom's life for quite some time. I don't think mom or dad's entire office, bowling team, poker club, etc. needs to be there. They can have their own social get togethers without co opting the wedding celebration.