The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[cabanafrau]

Not necessarily. Our family is extremely close too but I don't see dd asking all of her cousins to be attendants. She may ask the one and she may ask none. She has a large group of friends so she may stick with the friends.

If her son is in agreement with her or knows how she feels, he would probably know ahead of time if his bride was close enough to his female cousin to ask her to be a bridesmaid. If not, then he can ask his friends to be his groomsmen. Or perhaps he will marry someone with 6 brothers and there you go, 6 groomsmen.

Basically it's better for mom's and other family members' feelings be appeased than it would be for a groom to decide who he wants to stand up there and support him during the biggest day of his life thus far?

What if the bride has six brothers, no sisters, no close female cousins, two good friends she wants to stand with her and she would gladly ask the groom's female cousin, except that only means X number of male cousins must be asked, further bloating the size of the bridal party and not helping balance the numbers? What if the bride's undemanding mother's hill is her six sons serving as groomsmen because of their exceptionally close family ties? Does the groom automatically have to acquiesce and accept that his best friend since third grade won't be up there like he'd always assumed?

I agree I would not ask four out of five close cousins of the same gender to stand up, excluding one for no real reason. I can see it if a cousin is left out because they are of a different gender and there would be no one else to pair them up with. That's not personal or excluding them maliciously or just disregarding them. Maybe they do a reading at the ceremony to acknowledge their significance to the couple.

IMO you let the couple start the planning and express concerns if it seems they're really overlooking some way they're hurting anybody they really love in a way they don't perceive.

 

[punkin]

I'm not sure why inlaws are always approached w/ such suspicion, & the opposing side is always on the defensive & assuming all sorts of things.

Not everyone always has an agenda.

Like others have said, most weddings are "family" affairs - whether or not the bride and/or groom intended for the wedding to be that way or not. '

When you're not having a destination wedding or a specifically very small wedding & only inviting immediate family or a few close friends (a very set guest list), but, instead, planning for 150-200 guests, there *are* going to be people that both set of parents will wish to include... and these guest lists have a way of expanding, despite the best intentions.

In the OP's situation, the groom's mother is expanding her original list - but is ALSO willing to pay for the extra guests.

The bride's mother has some additional people that she'd like to include, but she didn't because she wanted to go w/ her daughter's wishes for a smaller wedding, which I understand.

However, while the bride, in this case, may want a smaller wedding w/ a more limited guest list, the groom does not & would be fine w/ a larger wedding. I think that's key. The groom's mother is not trying overtake the wedding & make any kinds of demands that are out of sync w/ both the groom & the bride - perhaps the groom wishes to include these guests as well.

And it is the groom's wedding as much as it is the bride's wedding - and this wedding is not being paid for by just the bride's parents.

I think it's fine to have a set number of guests, but I think the bride & groom need to be in mutual agreement about their expectations for the wedding - and it doesn't sound like this bride & groom are.

If I were the OP & there were additional people I wanted to invite that I had initially not included, in this case, I'd talk to my daughter. Because, I can see, how, as the mother of bride, I'd feel a bit miffed if the mother of the groom was trying to include additional guests when I specifically cut my list short. So understand the vent!

For me, it makes a bit of an awkward situation when the bride wants one thing, & the groom is fine w/ another thing. When the groom is fine w/ his mother adding these guests (& the groom's parents are paying for the additional guests), what do you do? The mother of the bride could just go w/ her daughter's wishes or she could ask to invite some of her additional guests to make the guest list more even.

Another point to consider, of course, is the venue. Regardless of whether or not everyone is willing to pay for their extra guests, will the venue nicely accommodate the extra guests?

And, regarding attendants & family expectations, when our children get married, while I don't expect cousins to necessarily be asked to be attendants, I would like to see our sons have a part in their sister's wedding, & I would like to see our daughter have a part in her brothers' wedding. I'd like to see our older DS as a groomsman in our DD's wedding, & I'd like to see DD as a bridesmaid in our older DS's wedding. (Because there is a pretty big age gap between our younger DS & his older brother & sister, I could see where their particular roles in each other's weddings might be different than bridesmaid/groomsman, but I would still like to see younger DS as a part of his older brother's & sister's weddings, & I'd like to see them as a part of his wedding.)

I also see the dilemma of hurt feelings if one cousin is asked while other cousins are not.

Thank you for putting my feelings about the situation into much better and cogent form than I was able.

 

[sk!mom]

For DS's wedding, I would request they invite my sisters & their families. That would be my list in it's entirety. I see no reason to invite my friends, neighbors, business acquaintances, etc. to his wedding.

I would also request they have all of DS's first cousins as attendants or none of them. We're a very close family & I don't want any of them to feel we like some more than others. Case in point, the bride in the wedding that ended with hurt feelings had a cousin's new girlfriend that she had never met as one of her bridesmaids, so she wouldn't have to ask the groom's first cousins that she was around all the time. (She needed one more bridesmaid to equal the number of groomsmen.) The girl that was excluded was the only first cousin that wasn't asked to be in the wedding. The bride said she was allowing enough of his cousins to be in the wedding, so she went with a complete stranger instead. I would be very unhappy, if that happened at DS's wedding. It's important to me that we don't have our family divided over his wedding.

Those two things are the only things that really matter to me. If I'm asked to help with the wedding, I'll do what I can. I would prefer for my only involvement to be making a reservation for the rehearsal dinner at their restaurant of choice.

So you would pull your financial contribution if he didn't do these two things? That seems like a way to cause hard feelings with your own child.

My family is also very close knit. My siblings and I vacation together and love when we can all get to the same place. When our dad passed away last summer, we all took a full week away from work and responsibilities to go "home" to grieve together. All that just to stress that I get a close family. So I totally would push to have them all at the wedding. Luckily for me DD21 has been raised with them and loves them all as much as me. She loves the idea of a destination wedding but if they couldn't come she'd change the plans.

To the second point, I have 4 siblings so DD has 14 first cousins on my side. I would not expect her to include them all. A niece recently married and we were all there but only her sisters were in the wedding party.

I honestly can't think of anything that would have me pull my contribution.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm now on my laptop, so I will try to answer a few of your questions.

DS has four male & three female, first cousins he has been raised to be very close with. He also has two female cousins around my age, which wouldn't be considered in any circumstance. (I'm the youngest of six. One of my sisters had kids within a few months of my birth & had another a couple years later. They don't have the same relationship with DS that the others do.) All of the seven, younger cousins are married. DS is the only one that's still single. He has been a groomsman in all of their weddings, except one. One of his male cousins & his bride wanted a small wedding. Their attendants were his Dad & her only sister. No one had a problem with that. The only problematic wedding was the one where the bride chose a complete stranger that she had never met over the groom's, first cousin.

My sister's kids & my son have been raised to be very close. They're all more like siblings than first cousins like I have.

I think ya'll are jumping on the pp about something that is a non issue for her and her son.

She doesn't say if the cousins are male or female (or maybe I missed it??) so maybe they are male and the bride won't have anything to do with the choosing. Also, keep in mind she said "ALL or NONE" so "NONE" can be the choice. And "none" works whether they are male or female or both.

She knows her family and knows if it would cause hurt feelings and perhaps preventing those hurt feelings is more important to her than worrying about who to blame for the upset? If her son knows going in that this is the one thing his mom will insist on then he knows how to plan his part of the wedding and how to direct his finance when it comes to his family.

Thanks for clarifying the situation. I'm fine with him asking all of them or none of them. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I'm not demanding they include anyone.

It never ceases to amaze me that total strangers think they know my family & our situation well enough to even offer an opinion on what we should do. What the posters did for their wedding or what they think about their kid's wedding(s) is irrelevant to our situation. All families are different. I didn't ask for opinions & don't care what anyone here thinks on the subject. If I had asked for opinions, it would be different. Those questioning my view should do what works for them, but they are wasting their time discussing my personal thoughts on the matter. They can discuss the situation all they want, but my feelings will not change. I feel like it's a waste of time to reply to opinions I didn't ask for & won't consider. I don't feel like I need to justify my opinion to strangers on the internet. I've seen how asking some close relatives & not others can affect relationships within a family. I don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family & he agrees. If you marry into our family, you need to be willing to accept the entire family. That's the way our family is.

I believe at this point it is an abstract issue. That's precisely part of the reason why I think it's so problematic to take such a rigid stance. Let the situation develop and express concerns at the appropriate time. But to blatantly throw down such a blanket requirement in the abstract could end up causing her son some distress if it were to come about that he meets the perfect girl to spend his life with and starts to plan a life together, only to find out that her equally undemanding mother has one hill she's willing to die on that conflicts directly with his undemanding mother's hill.

Nope, you let the couple start their planning and approach them if you see an issue you feel they should be aware of. If the son is accustomed to having a close relationship with extended family, no doubt he's going to make an effort to work towards a plan that fits a continuation of that close relationship and knits his new bride right into the fabric.

You seem to think this is something that I think about often. I hadn't given it a thought in years, until I was asked what I consider important to me. We'll deal with it, if the situation arises. I'm not worried about it. It appears strangers here are much more worried about it than I am.

PS: I won't be answering more questions or commenting on my opinion further. As I mentioned earlier, this is like beating a dead horse. We could talk about it for days & nothing would change. I don't find that a constructive way to spend my time, even if I'm wasting some of it browsing the DIS. You all can feel free to discuss it all you want, but I will no longer reply to questions on this particular subject. It's a total waste of everyone's time not to mention the fact that I didn't start this thread. @punkin, sorry for hijacking your thread over nothing.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I'm now on my laptop, so I will try to answer a few of your questions.

DS has four male & three female, first cousins he has been raised to be very close with. He also has two female cousins around my age, which wouldn't be considered in any circumstance. (I'm the youngest of six. One of my sisters had kids within a few months of my birth & had another a couple years later. They don't have the same relationship with DS that the others do.) All of the seven, younger cousins are married. DS is the only one that's still single. He has been a groomsman in all of their weddings, except one. One of his male cousins & his bride wanted a small wedding. Their attendants were his Dad & her only sister. No one had a problem with that. The only problematic wedding was the one where the bride chose a complete stranger that she had never met over the groom's, first cousin.

My sister's kids & my son have been raised to be very close. They're all more like siblings than first cousins like I have.



Thanks for clarifying the situation. I'm fine with him asking all of them or none of them. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I'm not demanding they include anyone.

It never ceases to amaze me that total strangers think they know my family & our situation well enough to even offer an opinion on what we should do. What the posters did for their wedding or what they think about their kid's wedding(s) is irrelevant to our situation. All families are different. I didn't ask for opinions & don't care what anyone here thinks on the subject. If I had asked for opinions, it would be different. Those questioning my view should do what works for them, but they are wasting their time discussing my personal thoughts on the matter. They can discuss the situation all they want, but my feelings will not change. I feel like it's a waste of time to reply to opinions I didn't ask for & won't consider. I don't feel like I need to justify my opinion to strangers on the internet. I've seen how asking some close relatives & not others can affect relationships within a family. I don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family & he agrees. If you marry into our family, you need to be willing to accept the entire family. That's the way our family is.



You seem to think this is something that I think about often. I hadn't given it a thought in years, until I was asked what I consider important to me. We'll deal with it, if the situation arises. I'm not worried about it. It appears strangers here are much more worried about it than I am.

PS: I won't be answering more questions or commenting on my opinion further. As I mentioned earlier, this is like beating a dead horse. We could talk about it for days & nothing would change. I don't find that a constructive way to spend my time, even if I'm wasting some of it browsing the DIS. You all can feel free to discuss it all you want, but I will no longer reply to questions on this particular subject.

I know you said you're not replying anymore and that's cool. I was never looking to change your mind - you do you.

For discussions sake in this thread, I could maybe understand wanting the same gendered cousins to be in the wedding party. I personally think asking the new spouse to not pick people who are important to them, or have a huge bridal party, because you need to keep peace in your family is crossing a line and really not fair. I couldn't imagine having told DH that his groomsmen were picked already because my mom said so, nor would I have taken kindly to being told mine were because his mom said so. But hopefully the cousins are so close that future DIL will want the female ones on her own and it will be a moot point.

For what it's worth, I totally agree with wanting your sisters and their families in attendance. I do think that's important and not a bad request. I do think insisting on who's in the wedding party to make your life easier is. But like I said, you do you. I hope when the time comes, your future DIL is on board.

 

[Dinohood]

wow op i feel you when my brother got married his wife has a lot of family members the wedding was 25% groom and 75% bride more on the brides side then the grooms plus her family members did not think of rsvp to the wedding which added more to it since her family came in from mexico.

 

[mjkacmom]

I know you said you're not replying anymore and that's cool. I was never looking to change your mind - you do you.

For discussions sake in this thread, I could maybe understand wanting the same gendered cousins to be in the wedding party. I personally think asking the new spouse to not pick people who are important to them, or have a huge bridal party, because you need to keep peace in your family is crossing a line and really not fair. I couldn't imagine having told DH that his groomsmen were picked already because my mom said so, nor would I have taken kindly to being told mine were because his mom said so. But hopefully the cousins are so close that future DIL will want the female ones on her own and it will be a moot point.

For what it's worth, I totally agree with wanting your sisters and their families in attendance. I do think that's important and not a bad request. I do think insisting on who's in the wedding party to make your life easier is. But like I said, you do you. I hope when the time comes, your future DIL is on board.

I think anyone butting in with the choosing of the wedding party is crossing a huge line, and honestly have never even heard of it. It's hard enough as it is, managing hurt feeling and having to choose a limited number of people that you are close to. I can't imagine telling my sons' future wives that they could only only choose all of their sisters, or none of them. Heck, I can't imagine telling my own daughters that they have to choose both of their sisters, or none of them. It's not my places, even if I was paying for it all. It's not my day, and my child is only half of the picture.

 

[luvsJack]

Basically it's better for mom's and other family members' feelings be appeased than it would be for a groom to decide who he wants to stand up there and support him during the biggest day of his life thus far?

What if the bride has six brothers, no sisters, no close female cousins, two good friends she wants to stand with her and she would gladly ask the groom's female cousin, except that only means X number of male cousins must be asked, further bloating the size of the bridal party and not helping balance the numbers? What if the bride's undemanding mother's hill is her six sons serving as groomsmen because of their exceptionally close family ties? Does the groom automatically have to acquiesce and accept that his best friend since third grade won't be up there like he'd always assumed?

I agree I would not ask four out of five close cousins of the same gender to stand up, excluding one for no real reason. I can see it if a cousin is left out because they are of a different gender and there would be no one else to pair them up with. That's not personal or excluding them maliciously or just disregarding them. Maybe they do a reading at the ceremony to acknowledge their significance to the couple.

IMO you let the couple start the planning and express concerns if it seems they're really overlooking some way they're hurting anybody they really love in a way they don't perceive.

I see both sides to it. It's one day and the pp doesn't want her family ripped up due to one day. Otoh, it's an important day and each should have the people they want.

I just think that the pp's son knowing this one thing going in, it shouldn't be a hard thing to work out.

 

[sk!mom]

I think anyone butting in with the choosing of the wedding party is crossing a huge line, and honestly have never even heard of it. It's hard enough as it is, managing hurt feeling and having to choose a limited number of people that you are close to. I can't imagine telling my sons' future wives that they could only only choose all of their sisters, or none of them. Heck, I can't imagine telling my own daughters that they have to choose both of their sisters, or none of them. It's not my places, even if I was paying for it all. It's not my day, and my child is only half of the picture.

Me neither.

And honestly, I question the genuine closeness of a family if not choosing a cousin in your wedding party would cause hard feelings. I think a genuine close relationship has to have a level of understanding of the other's situation. As I said upthread, my kids have 14 first cousins and a sibling. That would be a pretty large bridal party without considering who their future spouse would include.

DD21 is very close to 2 cousins- 1 male and 1 female. She has said that she will have a Man and Maid of Honor. She then is close to two other girl cousins that I think she would want to include.

I don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family & he agrees. If you marry into our family, you need to be willing to accept the entire family. That's the way our family is.

 

[sk!mom]

I see both sides to it. It's one day and the pp doesn't want her family ripped up due to one day. Otoh, it's an important day and each should have the people they want.

I just think that the pp's son knowing this one thing going in, it shouldn't be a hard thing to work out.

The bolded is what I'm hung up on. I don't see how a "close" family could be "ripped up" by something like this. I would think that a close family would take into account the feelings of their family member about to marry and realize that they couldn't dictate since their is a future spouse and their wishes and family to include.

In my experience, it's inflexible demanding attitudes that does a lot to damage relationships.

 

[weeniecat2442]

When we started planning our wedding a few months ago, I told my fiance to buck up and get his thick skin on bc EVERYONE is going to have an opinion and people will have their feelings hurt- no matter what we do.
I've been a bridesmaid and MOH about 7 times in the past 10 years. I knew after my first MOH duty that I would not be having bridesmaids because of the ridiculousness and behind the scene drama that goes on- not to mention the cost to my friends.

My fiance is an only child. I have a 1/2 brother who is 16 years younger than I am on my dads side. My dad and I have a very rocky relationship (just as background).
We had decided that we would each have ONE person standing up with us on the wedding day. We both have multiple people we consider to be "best friends" and it would either be have one, or have everyone and that would just be too much. My closest cousin is my Maid of Honor (I was hers last winter) and my fiance picked one of his best friends as Best Man (a hard decision for him).
My dad asked me to have my brother as a groomsman (after I told him we are each only having one person stand with us). I had already decided that my brother would walk down the aisle escorting my grandmother along with my grandfather. My brother will have a boutineer and be an acknowledged part of the wedding. Thankfully this satisfied my father and was not made into a big deal (which he easily could have caused a huge issue about this- as it is the norm for him when he doesn't get his way). I was relieved!

Wedding planning is stressful- not everyone can have their way. It's all about compromise (ironically my father started teaching me about compromise when I was a little kid- he's a lawyer- go figure). I consider it a blessing that we both have so many people we love so much that we have trouble picking only a few select ones. Not a terrible problem to have.

For the past few years I've told my guy that I wanted to elope bc I knew it would end up being a big wedding. He always wanted the big wedding- and both of our moms would have been devastated (their only children). About 3 weeks into the wedding planning and he says "we should have eloped!" hahaha I'm happy we didn't and will spend a great day with our closest family and friends. Trying to stay focused on the good stuff!

 

[luvsJack]

The bolded is what I'm hung up on. I don't see how a "close" family could be "ripped up" by something like this. I would think that a close family would take into account the feelings of their family member about to marry and realize that they couldn't dictate since their is a future spouse and their wishes and family to include.

In my experience, it's inflexible demanding attitudes that does a lot to damage relationships.

I don't think she ever said any of the cousins would be demanding or inflexible. She didn't say they expected anything. Only that she would have this one request. I used the words "ripped apart" and that may not have been her intention to imply.

But she is coming from an experience of seeing one hurt because a bride purposely left out a cousin to include someone she didn't know. Don't we all base opinions from our own experience?

Our family is very close too. And I don't think any would care one way or the other but if I saw that a cousin was being hurt by being left out, I would ask dd to include her in some way. Dd already knows that one of her two sils will be included. And I have already told her to be careful about not hurting the feelings of the other especially since her bf's friends include her brother married to the one that would be left out. I would never demand or even request anything but just the consideration.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wedding planning is stressful- not everyone can have their way. It's all about compromise

In my experience, it's inflexible demanding attitudes that does a lot to damage relationships.

AMEN!!!!!
In many of these 'family' threads (one other current) I have always focused on this, and have taken a middle of the road approach.
Different people do things different ways!!!!

When I have posted (and been flamed and attacked) on these threads, it is not because I have made huge negative judgments on one side or the other....
It is because I have issued judgements about those who think that they can issues judgments/requests/mandates to others.
That is just one of my 'things'.

These kinds of requests/mandates are just NOT 'compromise'.
We just MUST include the xxxxxx's and the xxxxxx's and their postman....
We just MUST include every cousin....

Take out the words like 'must', 'have to', etc... and the expectations of a mandate, and begin by saying something more to the effect of:
"I would like to invite...."
"Is there any way that we could include...."

Then, maybe, we can talk!

I really don't give one tiny iota on whether ALL cousins are wedding attendants.
I really don't give one tiny iota if the bride or groom's wedding list is longer than the others.
(from another current thread) I really don't care if every adult child is included and paid-for on every vacation.
The thing that gets me are those who think that their wishes and/or viewpoint constitutes a mandate for others.

 

[sk!mom]

I consider it a blessing that we both have so many people we love so much that we have trouble picking only a few select ones. Not a terrible problem to have.

Very very well said! And I would add that it is also a blessing when the many you love, love you enough to support you and not add drama during this special time.

 

[Hikergirl]

I think it crosses a line for a future parent in law to tell the bride or groom who they should have in their wedding party. Even the all or none option, its just not a parents place.
My dh has 3 sisters if his mother told me they needed to be my attendants then there would have been a big problem.
Having said that, in a Catholic ceremony there are ways to include family, like readings, bringing up the gifts of offering, even playing music in the church.
I think its petty and childish for a parent to make a big deal out of someone in the family not being included. Grow up and realize that its not about you, or them, it is about the couple. If they have their reasons for not including them, then respect that.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think she ever said any of the cousins would be demanding or inflexible. She didn't say they expected anything. Only that she would have this one request. I used the words "ripped apart" and that may not have been her intention to imply.

But she is coming from an experience of seeing one hurt because a bride purposely left out a cousin to include someone she didn't know. Don't we all base opinions from our own experience?

Our family is very close too. And I don't think any would care one way or the other but if I saw that a cousin was being hurt by being left out, I would ask dd to include her in some way. Dd already knows that one of her two sils will be included. And I have already told her to be careful about not hurting the feelings of the other especially since her bf's friends include her brother married to the one that would be left out. I would never demand or even request anything but just the consideration.

The cousins aren't the ones making the inflexible demands.

I completely understand not wanting a repeat of deliberately excluding someone in an inexplicably hurtful way. I'd assume her son is aware of that situation and see no reason he'd sit by and allow history to repeat, even without his very undemanding mom's one request. It doesn't even seem a prospective bride is on the horizon. Which is why I think it's ridiculous for mom to even have a demand in her back pocket, despite never having thought of it in years. To me it's just trouble just begging for opportunity.

 

[luvsJack]

It may help the pp to realize that it perhaps wasn't not being in the wedding that hurt her niece but the way she was not included. Sounds like the bride purposely hurt the one cousin. That's more about the character of that bride than it is about anyone expecting anything. To be passed over for a stranger when the rest of the family is included could be hurtful. And depending on the couple, it may be more than just wearing an expensive dress and standing through the ceremony but all the parties and gatherings leading up to the wedding.

But if her son is ok with this request I really don't see the issue. It's not like anyone knows that his future bride will be close enough to any of his cousins to ask them anyway. None of the attendants have to be family.

 

[cabanafrau]

It may help the pp to realize that it perhaps wasn't not being in the wedding that hurt her niece but the way she was not included. Sounds like the bride purposely hurt the one cousin. That's more about the character of that bride than it is about anyone expecting anything. To be passed over for a stranger when the rest of the family is included could be hurtful. And depending on the couple, it may be more than just wearing an expensive dress and standing through the ceremony but all the parties and gatherings leading up to the wedding.

But if her son is ok with this request I really don't see the issue. It's not like anyone knows that his future bride will be close enough to any of his cousins to ask them anyway. None of the attendants have to be family.

Did my saying that "I completely understand not wanting a repeat of deliberately excluding someone in an inexplicably hurtful way" somehow imply that I didn't understand why the niece was hurt? I agree, that was no bueno. If that was going down that's the point at which I think it's appropriate to have a chat with your kid and point that out. Given the family history, I doubt that would even be necessary for that family because I'd assume the son cares about his cousins and would be certain to see that doesn't happen again. I also mentioned upthread that if there's a numbers problem it can be solved by asking people to do things like perform a reading in the ceremony.

 

[Poohforyou]

I just realized that I probably shouldn't even be speaking to my oldest brother and my SIL. I was the only one of his siblings not included in their wedding.

I think they owe me a few beers at the very least .

 

[CarolAnn856]

When I have posted (and been flamed and attacked) on these threads, it is not because I have made huge negative judgments on one side or the other....
It is because I have issued judgements about those who think that they can issues judgments/requests/mandates to others.
That is just one of my 'things'.

Huh? People have disagreed with you, not attacked or flamed you. There is a difference.