The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

punkin

<font color=purple>Went through pain just to look
Joined
Nov 28, 2001
My DD just got engaged. She wanted a small wedding, but the fiance and his parents have a large, close knit extended family, so that idea was nixed early and DD set a limit of 150 people. My original guest list had 20 people on it. Those are the only ones I MUST invite. Now, with his family constantly saying "we must have the xxxxxx's", I find myself feeling rather annoyed at the whole thing. I also have people I might like to have, but every extra person is rather expensive and since everyone (his family, us, DD and fiance) is contributing monetarily, I think inviting your postman's cousin is just rude, even if you are offering to pay the difference. I don't want to upset DD (who vents to me), so I'm venting here.
 
Ds is getting married next week. Eek! Early on a limit of 300 people was set. Each set of parents got 100 to invite and bride and groom each got 50.

It is hard to keep a limit, but we managed and are now well under our number with Rsvps. Estimated about 270 gu esa sts are expected.

Those cuts early didn't seem easy at first, but we are now very comfortable that those who want to be there will be there. And we do now have the possibility to invite a few last minute guests since the Rsvps are under 300.

But d's is getting married an hour away so that means some travel for folks
 
My DD just got engaged. She wanted a small wedding, but the fiance and his parents have a large, close knit extended family, so that idea was nixed early and DD set a limit of 150 people. My original guest list had 20 people on it. Those are the only ones I MUST invite. Now, with his family constantly saying "we must have the xxxxxx's", I find myself feeling rather annoyed at the whole thing. I also have people I might like to have, but every extra person is rather expensive and since everyone (his family, us, DD and fiance) is contributing monetarily, I think inviting your postman's cousin is just rude, even if you are offering to pay the difference. I don't want to upset DD (who vents to me), so I'm venting here.
Vent away. I don't know why people allow their weddings to become like this. I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this on what should be a very special event in her life. We eloped 15 years ago to avoid all of this, people were mad but eventually got over it. If it were your daughter writing this post I would advise them to just head to the JOP and deal with the fallout later! For you as OP, just vent because it doesn't sound like you will have any other way to control this situation. And keep doing what you're doing--some people start making it into a contest and inviting more and more to match the inlaws. Your daughter and SIL will appreciate you didn't feed into the crazy and you will eventually be rewarded with more grandchild time. Stay the course!
 


This is why I would elope. We would have to invite at least 200 people if we were to ever get married. We have big families. Who do you leave off? My cousins are like my siblings. Their kids are like my nieces and nephews. My aunts were like my sisters. All of my grandparents are alive. We have a big group of friends. Let's not even get started on SO's family. His cousin got married last year and had 200 people there and that was with making each mom mad by not inviting certain people because it was starting to get crazy. His other cousin is having a destination wedding next month and 75 people are going which is insane for a destination wedding.

Honestly if his parents were paying their portion for all of these people I would have no problem inviting them but I'm a party person. I believe in the more the merrier concept. If we were paying for everything I would have to set a limit or just go elope.
 
Is your daughter ok with having a larger wedding? I know you said you're venting here instead of upsetting her, but at some point she has to speak up for what she wants for her wedding.

I hope the costs are being split according to numbers invited if it's that lopsided.
 


My DD just got engaged. She wanted a small wedding, but the fiance and his parents have a large, close knit extended family, so that idea was nixed early and DD set a limit of 150 people. My original guest list had 20 people on it. Those are the only ones I MUST invite. Now, with his family constantly saying "we must have the xxxxxx's", I find myself feeling rather annoyed at the whole thing. I also have people I might like to have, but every extra person is rather expensive and since everyone (his family, us, DD and fiance) is contributing monetarily, I think inviting your postman's cousin is just rude, even if you are offering to pay the difference. I don't want to upset DD (who vents to me), so I'm venting here.

I think that sometimes the way the wedding planning goes is an indication of how the relationship is going to grow. While I cannot say how your DD and her DF should set their expectations, I do wonder if the future DMIL is not willing to respect their choices and adding people, the DF won't step up, the bride is upset, and the mother of the bride is resentful because she has reduced her number if guest to a fraction of the grooms side, what happens when there are important decisions once they are married? Who trumps who?

I always worry when there is such a disconnect between what the bridal couple wants for their wedding and what the reality of the wedding turns into. If they are acquiescing because the changes make sense to them as planning progress, that is one thing, but that does not seem to be the case here. if MOG is steamrolling the event, and no one can stop her, I would duck later on.
 
I'm actually going to offer a differing opinion based on a recent wedding experience. I would encourage your DD to equalize the numbers.

A recent wedding that I was involved in started out the same way. It was going to be small, small, small! Bride's mom and dad honored that wish and limited their guest list to family and only their very closest friends. Groom's family did not.

As time went on and now after, the bride and bride's mom regret this since they spent a lot of money but every wedding event was less enjoyable because their were so few of their friends to celebrate with and so many people that they didn't know. It sort of didn't feel like "their" party.

It was even an issue when her local shower was planned. The guest list had to be small since we couldn't very well invite people to a shower that weren't invited to the wedding. The bride's mom also had many awkward moments with friends mentioning the wedding that she hadn't been able to invite. It was awkward because they were friends that she would have loved to invite but bride was so insistent on small. Mom now says that she should have insisted on inviting those that she wanted and will do it differently when her other children marry. It'll either be truly small or equalized.
 
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I'm actually going to offer a differing opinion based on a recent wedding experience. I would encourage your DD to equalize the numbers.

A recent wedding that I was involved in started out the same way. It was going to be small, small, small! Bride's mom and dad honored that wish and limited their guest list to family and only their very closest friends. Groom's family did not.

As time went on and now after, the bride and bride's mom regret this since they spent a lot of money but every wedding event was less enjoyable because their were so few of their friend's to celebrate with and so many people that they didn't know. It sort of didn't feel like "their" party.

It was even an issue when her local shower was planned. The guest list had to be small since we couldn't very well invite people to a shower that weren't invited to the wedding. The bride's mom also had many awkward moments with friends mentioning the wedding that she hadn't been able to invite. It was awkward because they were friends that she would have loved to invite but bride was so insistent on small. Mom now says that she should have insisted on inviting those that she wanted and will do it differently when her other children marry. It'll either be truly small or equalized.

This is a good point and I was thinking about this while reading the thread. It seems like the wedding will be all about the groom's family as they will be 90% of the guests. I've been to a wedding like that and it was awkward.
 
So your dd wanted a small wedding, then had to give in to the IL's and up the guest list to 150. Now they want to invite even more people?
She needs to stand up for what she wants and tell future MIL no. Maybe MIL will be upset but I'd rather have my way and an upset MIL throughout my marriage than an MIL who doesn't respect my decisions and controls my marriage.
Good luck to your dd, it sounds like she may need it. Give her this site to come and vent LOL
 
Well, if you have a small family, and he has a large close family, the bride needs to be more understanding (and this is coming from someone with 3 daughters and a small family). I know so many people here with tons of family, so much so that every weekend is booked with a birthday celebration. It is not HER wedding, it is THEIR wedding.

Now, I do see limiting the number of the friends of the parents, but saying only 20 family members when there are 60 that get together every Christmas doesn't seem right.
 
Here's my thoughts on the matter, take what you will...

Sit down with your DD and her DF and ask them what they envision for their wedding. How many guests total? Do they want a small, medium, large, or huge event? Would they be happier with a small wedding (day of event) and then open to a larger, more casual reception/bbq/party following their wedding day that the in-laws can invite their acquaintances to? I'm curious about what DF envisions for the wedding? Is he afraid to tell his mom no? Personally it sounds like he needs to man up and say something. This is the couples wedding, not the in-laws. Another poster mentioned setting a guest limit cap for each side of the family. This would be one way to keep the numbers in check.

Also, you mentioned that each side including the couple are paying for the wedding. If MIL wants to keep the guest list growing then I'd back out of paying for the reception or only pay for the number that you and your daughter are inviting. Perhaps seeing their side of the cost will make her think about who and how many she invites. For our wedding 14 years ago we paid $100/person for lunch (including cake) and another $25/person on beverages. We cut our guest list down to 80 people, with only 60 attending. Food and beverage costs can add up quick. Has she not seen menu prices? Having unrealistic menu prices in mind may lead to assuming costs will be lower than expected. Keep in mind you'll need to factor in the meal, beverages, cake, and any appetizers if having a cocktail hour. There's also the rehearsal meal to include and that can get costly if not limited in guest count.

Use this as an opportunity to look at and set a realistic budget. Then determine how it will be split. Each family will be aware of what they are contributing and the couple can set boundaries and expectations. Good luck!
 
What does the fiancé say? Does he want to invite his family? Does she want a small wedding and he wants a big wedding?

I don't think it's always the MIL's fault. Maybe he wants all of his family there too. I know if I told my SO I wanted a small wedding it wouldn't fly because he would want his entire family there.
 
I'm actually going to offer a differing opinion based on a recent wedding experience. I would encourage your DD to equalize the numbers.

A recent wedding that I was involved in started out the same way. It was going to be small, small, small! Bride's mom and dad honored that wish and limited their guest list to family and only their very closest friends. Groom's family did not.

As time went on and now after, the bride and bride's mom regret this since they spent a lot of money but every wedding event was less enjoyable because their were so few of their friend's to celebrate with and so many people that they didn't know. It sort of didn't feel like "their" party.

It was even an issue when her local shower was planned. The guest list had to be small since we couldn't very well invite people to a shower that weren't invited to the wedding. The bride's mom also had many awkward moments with friends mentioning the wedding that she hadn't been able to invite. It was awkward because they were friends that she would have loved to invite but bride was so insistent on small. Mom now says that she should have insisted on inviting those that she wanted and will do it differently when her other children marry. It'll either be truly small or equalized.
that only works when both sides have lots of people to invite (though it sounds like in this case that might be possible). I am from a small family and they don't socialize much. My DH is from a large family who all socialize a ton. We had a small wedding with about 60 people in attendance--but only 4 of those were my family, plus some mutal friends of DH and myself and about 45-50 memebers of his family or family friends from his side. It wasn't that we didn't invite everyone from my side, just that there were few to beging with and most could not afford to travel to the wedding 8we got married where we both grew up, but that is nto where my parents grew up and my aunts, uncles and grandparents lived)
 
Well, if you have a small family, and he has a large close family, the bride needs to be more understanding (and this is coming from someone with 3 daughters and a small family). I know so many people here with tons of family, so much so that every weekend is booked with a birthday celebration. It is not HER wedding, it is THEIR wedding.

Now, I do see limiting the number of the friends of the parents, but saying only 20 family members when there are 60 that get together every Christmas doesn't seem right.

This is also a very good point. I suspect that when my own children marry, we will be in a similar situation. Very small family and we'd not have many invites. If she marries into a large family, absolutely the expectation is that the other person may have quite a few more people to invite. However, the OP indicated that some of these people invited are like "the postman's cousin" which tells me the groom's family may be going hog wild here.
 
My son was married in April....... They had their heart set on a hotel where they had their senior prom in 2010. There is a top room that overlooks Ft. Lauderdale with floor to ceiling glass windows and revolves slowly around all night. The venue only held 100 people, so they guest list was kept to a minimum. The kids were paying for the majority of it, so they had 90% of the say. But boy her mom was a pip about it, she kept wanting to add distant relatives and thought they should change there venue. I had more people I would have loved to invite, but I respected what they wanted. We gave them a check to help out as did her parents and it turned out perfectly. Why do people you haven't seen in 15 years need to come? I don't get it or people the bride has never met??? Its their day and their day alone.

Good Luck, I'm sure you will have a beautiful day........
 
I'm actually going to offer a differing opinion based on a recent wedding experience. I would encourage your DD to equalize the numbers.

A recent wedding that I was involved in started out the same way. It was going to be small, small, small! Bride's mom and dad honored that wish and limited their guest list to family and only their very closest friends. Groom's family did not.

As time went on and now after, the bride and bride's mom regret this since they spent a lot of money but every wedding event was less enjoyable because their were so few of their friend's to celebrate with and so many people that they didn't know. It sort of didn't feel like "their" party.

It was even an issue when her local shower was planned. The guest list had to be small since we couldn't very well invite people to a shower that weren't invited to the wedding. The bride's mom also had many awkward moments with friends mentioning the wedding that she hadn't been able to invite. It was awkward because they were friends that she would have loved to invite but bride was so insistent on small. Mom now says that she should have insisted on inviting those that she wanted and will do it differently when her other children marry. It'll either be truly small or equalized.
I totally disagree that the parents on either side should "insist" on anything. That only makes it harder on the bridal couple, especially if one side is already being pushy. DH's oldest DD is getting married this fall and there are many things we'd prefer to see done differently but IT'S NOT OUR DAY.
 

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