The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[Nancyg56]

For those who are saying, but if he has a large family....

From the original post:


Clearly, this ever increasing guest list goes beyond what would be a reasonable definition of 'family'.

I am from a large family... I could, and did, easily plan our wedding without having over 100 of my family members in attendance. DH is/was from out of State. And, does not have such an extended family. I can assure you that the breakdown was not over 100-150 guests on my side.. 20 on his....

I do wish people would full read and consider the original posts, before jumping to promote or defend their personal agendas.

I feel for you OP! Vent away!
Hope the bride and groom can work thru this with both sets of parents.

The op added later on in thscthread that the groom did want a big wedding and that she was indeed using hyperbole in regards to the postman comment. I read the entire thread, every post. Did you miss this comment?

 

[sam_gordon]

I do wish people would full read and consider the original posts, before jumping to promote or defend their personal agendas.

I do wish people would full read and consider ALL the posts (especially by an OP), before jumping to promote or defend their personal agendas.

Just wanted to say, that the fiance has tried to limit his parents a little, but he totally wants the big wedding...and yes, I was using some hyperbole. Lol.

Anyone have any ideas what "agendas" are being promoted or defended?

 

[ronandannette]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

Mine did. He had more definite ideas of how our wedding should be than I did, for sure. It was the second wedding for both of us but apparently he had totally hated his first one and had been completely overpowered and ignored by the bride and her mother. Of course he (and his first wife) were much, much younger then - some of it may have just been him growing up and finding his voice on his own preferences.

 

[gillep]

I am not sure how they came up with the original numbers and distribution, but it is completely possible that the groom said ok to the original distribution thinking that his number would be more than enough to cover family and friends, but hadn't actually done the exercise to list out people to see that it wasn't going to work. This happened to us as well, as we were convinced that we could cap the wedding around 75 or so guests, and that seemed perfectly reasonable to both of us, until we actually sat down with a pen and paper and realized that it just was not realistic, and had to bump it up to about 125 invites.

I hope the couple is able to work out a good compromise, I am now glad that I relented to a larger wedding, it meant a lot to my husband, also my MIL passed before any of his other siblings got married, I look back very fondly at our wedding, and the time we got to spend with her surrounding it.

 

[Monykalyn]

This is a first for me. Have never known a groom who cared about the size of the wedding.

My husband is the one who wanted the big wedding as he was "only doing this once" and wanted it done right. I was totally ok with eloping (my dad offered to pay for flights to Las Vegas LOL)-mostly because I was finishing college, and commuting 3 hours for the 2 days a week my classes were on, then working in the city where DH was living/working fulltime. DH planned the wedding (found the venue, set the appointments etc)-I basically said yes or no to the choices he found and picked out my dress. We had a great wedding and reception party!!

I hope the couple is able to work out a good compromise, I am now glad that I relented to a larger wedding, it meant a lot to my husband, also my MIL passed before any of his other siblings got married, I look back very fondly at our wedding, and the time we got to spend with her surrounding it.

Yes-me too as it turned out, agreeing to a larger wedding.. DH's family invited several of their close family friends that I didn't know well at the time, and I didn't really see why (at the time) why it was soooo important why his parents friends be invited. As it turns out-you marry into your fiances family too LOL! Yes I got married young. And over time those friends of his parents have become dear to me too. In fact-years ago we stayed with those friends on an adult trip to Florida (where they had relocated). And my DH is much much more of an extrovert than I am-he loves groups of people around most of the time. I can do groups but then I need to retreat to my cave to recharge. And yet-we celebrate 23rd Anniversary in 12 days (we dated 5 years prior to getting married too).

 

[gillep]

Yes-me too as it turned out, agreeing to a larger wedding.. DH's family invited several of their close family friends that I didn't know well at the time, and I didn't really see why (at the time) why it was soooo important why his parents friends be invited. As it turns out-you marry into your fiances family too LOL! Yes I got married young. And over time those friends of his parents have become dear to me too. In fact-years ago we stayed with those friends on an adult trip to Florida (where they had relocated). And my DH is much much more of an extrovert than I am-he loves groups of people around most of the time. I can do groups but then I need to retreat to my cave to recharge. And yet-we celebrate 23rd Anniversary in 12 days (we dated 5 years prior to getting married too).

I couldn't agree with this more! My husband and I got married young, we had been dating for 5 years already, but I was still in grad school and we had both just recently graduated from college. There are so many things that mattered to me then that I just shake my head at now that I have gained a small bit of the wisdom that comes with age and experience. My husband is also much more of an extrovert than I am, and I have a much better understanding of the pros and cons of that now as well. Congrats on your anniversary! We just celebrated 9 years earlier this month.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Does the groom have a sister? If so, IMO that would be the time for current mother-of-the-groom to become the mother-of-the-bride and run the show with her daughter. I may be old-fashioned about these things, but unless the groom's mother will never have a chance to "have her way" at one of her children's weddings, I think she needs to back off a little and try to fit in with what the bride and her mother want. What is the groom's family's absolute minimum of guests who must be invited? (Maybe think the people who would need to be invited and would almost surely come to a destination wedding as a guideline.)

If the bride wants a smallish wedding, she should certainly be willing to compromise a little and add a few more than she would normally want, but this whole scenario seems to be morphing into the MOG's tail wagging the dog. My guiding principle in wedding planning tends to be, unless she's a bridezilla, "try not to make the bride cry."

 

[tarheelmjfan]

This is obviously another situation where customs come into play. It surprises me to see so many think only the bride & groom's opinions matter. It appears most people think the MOB & MOG should only listen to their child's rants & keep their opinions to themselves. In all the weddings that I've known the intimate details in only one bride thought the wedding was all about her. It didn't appear the groom's feelings mattered either, but that was his fault. He should have spoken up. Regardless, that wedding resulted in hard feelings to this day. In all the other weddings, the bridal couple considered others & the wedding went perfectly.

When my DS decides to get married, there are a couple of things that are important to me. They shouldn't be too much to ask, but in the current climate you never know. If his bride or he decides to refuse those requests, they can forget DH & I paying for the rehearsal dinner & honeymoon.

Yes, I think the MOG inviting the majority of guests is too much to ask, but I don't think those who are paying for the wedding should have their reasonable requests denied. IMO, if the bride & groom want to have total control, they should pay for the wedding & honeymoon.

DH & I paid for our wedding & honeymoon. My parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. We still considered both sets of parents requests for the wedding. IMO, that's respecting the people who raised you. I'm just not a fan of the "all about me" attitude.

 

[Hikergirl]

This is obviously another situation where customs come into play. It surprises me to see so many think only the bride & groom's opinions matter. It appears most people think the MOB & MOG should only listen to their child's rants & keep their opinions to themselves. In all the weddings that I've known the intimate details in only one bride thought the wedding was all about her. It didn't appear the groom's feelings matter either, but that was his fault. Regardless, that wedding resulted in hard feelings to this day. In all the other weddings, the bridal couple considered others & the wedding went perfectly.

I think there is a difference between considering others and giving in to others. Giving some thought to who your parents want at your wedding is pretty common. I don't know anyone who has never taken them into inconsideration when making their guest list.

It goes both ways too, as a parent you need to consider what your child wants for their own wedding, not what you want.

 

[sk!mom]

When my DS decides to get married, there are a couple of things that are important to me. They shouldn't be too much to ask, but in the current climate you never know. If his bride or he decides to refuse those requests, they can forget DH & I paying for the rehearsal dinner & honeymoon.

Yes, I think the MOG inviting the majority of guests is too much to ask, but I don't think those who are paying for the wedding should have their reasonable requests denied. IMO, if the bride & groom want to have total control, they should pay for the wedding & honeymoon.

DH & I paid for our wedding & honeymoon. My parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. We still considered both sets of parents requests for the wedding. IMO, that's respecting the people who raised you. I'm just not a fan of the "all about me" attitude.

Wanting a small wedding and not being thrilled for the MOG to invite half of the guests isn't "all about me" in my opinion. I will agree that when a bride turns into a bridezilla it does taint the experience for everyone including her.

I'd love to hear what your musts are that would result in the pulling of funding if they aren't honored. I can't really think of any. I'll be thrilled if DD21 and her groom decided on a small wedding and over the moon if they went even smaller with a destination wedding.

I think there is a difference between considering others and giving in to others. Giving some thought to who your parents want at your wedding is pretty common. I don't know anyone who has never taken them into inconsideration when making their guest list.

It goes both ways too, as a parent you need to consider what your child wants for their own wedding, not what you want.

Completely agree! I just don't understand a parent who would insist on a larger wedding than the bride and groom want.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Exactly....

Considering both families is one thing...
The MOG continuing to increase the guest-list to this level, while the Bride gets 20.
That is well beyond any consideration or compromise. Not even close. Very one sided and inappropriate.

And, I am not saying that the parents have to sit by silently.... That is also well beyond, and a far cry from... ignoring the bride and her family...
Not even close.
But, when the MOB sees this happening... Yes, she should support her daughter... and have some input as the Mother of the Bride.

When you see somebody going to such extremes, and throwing out such assumptions and accusations at the opposite side, that are just so 'well beyond' that they seem almost ridiculous. To me, yes, it does make their very one sided viewpoint and agenda very obvious.

 

[luvsJack]

Does the groom have a sister? If so, IMO that would be the time for current mother-of-the-groom to become the mother-of-the-bride and run the show with her daughter. I may be old-fashioned about these things, but unless the groom's mother will never have a chance to "have her way" at one of her children's weddings, I think she needs to back off a little and try to fit in with what the bride and her mother want. What is the groom's family's absolute minimum of guests who must be invited? (Maybe think the people who would need to be invited and would almost surely come to a destination wedding as a guideline.)

If the bride wants a smallish wedding, she should certainly be willing to compromise a little and add a few more than she would normally want, but this whole scenario seems to be morphing into the MOG's tail wagging the dog. My guiding principle in wedding planning tends to be, unless she's a bridezilla, "try not to make the bride cry."

That would be correct if the MOG was not paying for the guests she invites. If all are paying then all get a say.

 

[luvsJack]

Wanting a small wedding and not being thrilled for the MOG to invite half of the guests isn't "all about me" in my opinion. I will agree that when a bride turns into a bridezilla it does taint the experience for everyone including her.

I'd love to hear what your musts are that would result in the pulling of funding if they aren't honored. I can't really think of any. I'll be thrilled if DD21 and her groom decided on a small wedding and over the moon if they went even smaller with a destination wedding.



Completely agree! I just don't understand a parent who would insist on a larger wedding than the bride and groom want.

The groom wants a big wedding. The OP came back and said he did. Honestly, I don't understand why these things become such a horrible issue.

With invitations in hand, everyone sits down and determines the family to be invited on both sides. Then whats left is divided among them. They can take back some of those family members to have more for friends or they can keep their friend list within the number of actual invitations they have.




Has the bride tried to just talk to her future MIL? I mean most really aren't the devil in disguise. Just mention that the guest list is getting a bit larger than she had hoped for and could they sort of go over it to see if anyone can be taken off the list (unless of course they have already been invited).

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Wanting a small wedding and not being thrilled for the MOG to invite half of the guests isn't "all about me" in my opinion. I will agree that when a bride turns into a bridezilla it does taint the experience for everyone including her.

I'd love to hear what your musts are that would result in the pulling of funding if they aren't honored. I can't really think of any. I'll be thrilled if DD21 and her groom decided on a small wedding and over the moon if they went even smaller with a destination wedding.



Completely agree! I just don't understand a parent who would insist on a larger wedding than the bride and groom want.

I'm not suggesting the OPs DD has an all about me attitude. From what we've been told, it sounds quite the opposite.

It's all the posters here that are advising the OP to listen to her DD's wedding complaints, but keep her opinions to herself that I don't agree with.

For DS's wedding, I would request they invite my sisters & their families. That would be my list in it's entirety. I see no reason to invite my friends, neighbors, business acquaintances, etc. to his wedding.

I would also request they have all of DS's first cousins as attendants or none of them. We're a very close family & I don't want any of them to feel we like some more than others. Case in point, the bride in the wedding that ended with hurt feelings had a cousin's new girlfriend that she had never met as one of her bridesmaids, so she wouldn't have to ask the groom's first cousins that she was around all the time. (She needed one more bridesmaid to equal the number of groomsmen.) The girl that was excluded was the only first cousin that wasn't asked to be in the wedding. The bride said she was allowing enough of his cousins to be in the wedding, so she went with a complete stranger instead. I would be very unhappy, if that happened at DS's wedding. It's important to me that we don't have our family divided over his wedding.

Those two things are the only things that really matter to me. If I'm asked to help with the wedding, I'll do what I can. I would prefer for my only involvement to be making a reservation for the rehearsal dinner at their restaurant of choice.

 

[sam_gordon]

To me, yes, it does make their very one sided viewpoint and agenda very obvious.

Again, WHAT agenda?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

The groom wants a big wedding. The problem isn't with the MOG. Seems to me the groom isn't speaking up and letting it look like his mom is inviting all of these people when in all actuality he wants them there too. The bride needs to speak to her fiancé.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm not suggesting the OPs DD has an all about me attitude. From what we've been told, it sounds quite the opposite.

It's all the posters here that are advising the OP to listen to her DD's wedding complaints, but keep her opinions to herself that I don't agree with.

For DS's wedding, I would request they invite my sisters & their families. That would be my list in it's entirety. I see no reason to invite my friends, neighbors, business acquaintances, etc. to his wedding.

I would also request they have all of DS's first cousins as attendants or none of them. We're a very close family & I don't want any of them to feel we like some more than others. Case in point, the bride in the wedding that ended with hurt feelings had a cousin's new girlfriend that she had never met as one of her bridesmaids, so she wouldn't have to ask the groom's first cousins that she was around all the time. (She needed one more bridesmaid to equal the number of groomsmen.) The girl that was excluded was the only first cousin that wasn't asked to be in the wedding. The bride said she was allowing enough of his cousins to be in the wedding, so she went with a complete stranger instead. I would be very unhappy, if that happened at DS's wedding. It's important to me that we don't have a family divided over his wedding.

Those two things are the only things that really matter to me. If I'm asked to help with the wedding, I'll do what I can. I would prefer for my only involvement to be making a reservation for the rehearsal dinner at their restaurant of choice.

I would never try to influence the choice of attendants, especially those of my child's future spouse. That's a very personal choice. I chose my only sister, one of my HS friends, one of my college friends, one of DH's sisters, his stepbrothers daughter, and his other sister's daughter as a flower girl. DH was free to choose whoever he wanted, I didn't feel like that was my place.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I would never try to influence the choice of attendants, especially those of my child's future spouse. That's a very personal choice. I chose my only sister, one of my HS friends, one of my college friends, one of DH's sisters, his stepbrothers daughter, and his other sister's daughter as a flower girl. DH was free to choose whoever he wanted, I didn't feel like that was my place.

Good for you. I just don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family that may last a lifetime. I don't think asking for all or none is asking too much. Opinions on a message board won't change my mind on that.

 

[mjkacmom]

Good for you. I just don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family that may last a lifetime. I don't think asking for all or none is asking too much. Opinions on a message board won't change my mind on that.

I assume the cousins are male and would be you son's attendants?

 

[cabanafrau]

Good for you. I just don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family that may last a lifetime. I don't think asking for all or none is asking too much. Opinions on a message board won't change my mind on that.

What if he only chose one out of five for reasons entirely his own? That wouldn't leave only one or two feeling left out. Brides with multiple sisters and grooms with multiple brothers face this kind of decision all of the time with MOH and Best Man selections.

I can see where the groom in the wedding you described above might have had cause to talk to his bride about her choice to very particularly move to exclude only one of his cousins. I say might, because it's unclear whether she was the only female cousin excluded, or rather the only cousin, male or female, excluded. If all of the other cousins included were males standing with their cousin the groom, then I don't think the exclusion should have been taken so personally -- except if the bride truly elected to go with almost any other breathing female who wasn't the groom's cousin.

I understand as the mom possibly talking to your son and expressing your concerns about hurting feelings or causing dissension in the family. I can't see insisting on forcing his hand on his choice of wedding attendants.