The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[luvsJack]

Did my saying that "I completely understand not wanting a repeat of deliberately excluding someone in an inexplicably hurtful way" somehow imply that I didn't understand why the niece was hurt? I agree, that was no bueno. If that was going down that's the point at which I think it's appropriate to have a chat with your kid and point that out. Given the family history, I doubt that would even be necessary for that family because I'd assume the son cares about his cousins and would be certain to see that doesn't happen again. I also mentioned upthread that if there's a numbers problem it can be solved by asking people to do things like perform a reading in the ceremony.

I wasn't really talking to just you. I think we were posting at the same time.

 

[Zim]

When my ex and I married way back when the venue we fell in love with had a capacity of 75 people. I thought that was a good number until his MIL expressed her disappointment at how few people she could invite. What she ended up doing instead was hosting her own bridal shower for me with all the friends who wouldn't be invited to the wedding. I just can't imagine what it was like to receive an invite to a shower for a wedding you didn't make the cut for but still are expected to give a gift at a smaller shindig? As for myself, it was a day of judgement from all these people -- it could have been very awkward if I had let it get to me, but this was her thing and I showed up with a gracious smile ... met all these women I didn't know and never saw again. Weird...

My family has dwindled down to almost nothing and I'm a hermit by nature, so when my DD gets married it could be very unbalanced! The guy she is dating now has parents who are pillars of their community and I have a feeling it'll be not only family and close friends, but not-so-close-friends and probably business and country club associates as well. But as with the OP, if that is important to the family on the day of their son's wedding and are willing to pay for the guest list, far be it for me to do anything but show up with a smile on my face as long as my DD is happy.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Did my saying that "I completely understand not wanting a repeat of deliberately excluding someone in an inexplicably hurtful way" somehow imply that I didn't understand why the niece was hurt? I agree, that was no bueno. If that was going down that's the point at which I think it's appropriate to have a chat with your kid and point that out. Given the family history, I doubt that would even be necessary for that family because I'd assume the son cares about his cousins and would be certain to see that doesn't happen again. I also mentioned upthread that if there's a numbers problem it can be solved by asking people to do things like perform a reading in the ceremony.

Good idea on having some people perform a reading or looking for other ideas outside the box. I hope I can remember that, when DS finally decides to settle down & get married. For now, he appears to be a career college student collecting degrees. He says he won't consider getting married, until he gets out of school. This is one reason my thoughts on his future wedding aren't something I'm willing to waste time discussing, at the moment. It could be several years down the road.

 

[mjkacmom]

Good idea on having some people perform a reading or looking for other ideas outside the box. I hope I can remember that, when DS finally decides to settle down & get married. For now, he appears to be a career college student collecting degrees. He says he won't consider getting married, until he gets out of school. This is one reason my thoughts on his future wedding aren't something I'm willing to waste time discussing, at the moment. It could be several years down the road.

I was so happy to be asked to bring up the gifts at my friend's wedding ceremony with my DH instead of being a bridesmaid! I had three family members do readings at mine. You also need someone to hand out programs.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I was so happy to be asked to bring up the gifts at my friend's wedding ceremony with my DH instead of being a bridesmaid! I had three family members do readings at mine. You also need someone to hand out programs.

Handing out programs is always a good way to include someone. I just want to make sure all the girls think their role is as important as the others. I realize some of you don't agree with that thinking, but that's how I feel & that won't change. There's no need to waste anyone's time discussing it, as far as I'm concerned. OTOH, I think ideas for alternate ways to use family & friends is a good discussion. If you don't mind me asking, what type of readings did people do at your wedding?

 

[mjkacmom]

Handing out programs is always a good way to include someone. I just want to make sure all the girls think their role is as important as the others. I realize some of you don't agree with that thinking, but that's how I feel & that won't change. There's no need to waste anyone's time discussing it, as far as I'm concerned. OTOH, I think ideas for alternate ways to use family & friends is a good discussion. If you don't mind me asking, what type of readings did people do at your wedding?

We are catholic, so readings are part of the ceremony, and you are given a list to choose from (same with funerals, all of the sacraments actually).

Another thing to consider is the expense of being an attendant, especially females, who usually have to buy a dress, shoes, maybe hair and makeup (I let everyone do their own thing with that), contribute to the shower, maybe bachelorette party...

 

[ronandannette]

Handing out programs is always a good way to include someone. I just want to make sure all the girls think their role is as important as the others. I realize some of you don't agree with that thinking, but that's how I feel & that won't change. There's no need to waste anyone's time discussing it, as far as I'm concerned. OTOH, I think ideas for alternate ways to use family & friends is a good discussion. If you don't mind me asking, what type of readings did people do at your wedding?

The PP that answered maybe didn't make it completely clear - the readings are choice passages from the bible; often one old-testament and one new-testament. The priest will then give a short homily (sermon) explaining them. Marriage is a sacrament and Catholic weddings are liturgical church services that are all comprised of the same necessary elements. There's not a ton of opportunity to personalize or "do your own thing" with the service. In other religious traditions you could, say, have a couple people read poems or inspirational quotes or something just to make sure you're including them.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We are catholic, so readings are part of the ceremony, and you are given a list to choose from (same with funerals, all of the sacraments actually).

Another thing to consider is the expense of being an attendant, especially females, who usually have to buy a dress, shoes, maybe hair and makeup (I let everyone do their own thing with that), contribute to the shower, maybe bachelorette party...

Ah, that explains why I've never seen readings. We're Christian, but no Catholic. We have some Catholic friends & DS has dated a Catholic girl, but I'm one of those people who'll try just about anything to get out of going to a wedding, unless it's someone I'm closely related to.

Most of the weddings I'm accustomed to have the attendants pay for their clothing, shoes, etc. We're used to that. The ladies usually have their hair, makeup & nails done. If a bride requires it, the MOB or bride pays for it. It's rare for someone to require it though. Most of the time the ladies pay for their own & consider it a fun way to spend time together & be pampered. Bachelor/bachelorette parties aren't a big deal for most people I know. It's just not something people care about. That said, we live in a different state than the rest of our family, although we do go there or they come here fairly often. For this reason, DS's spouse will most likely be from a different area & may have different customs than we're used to. We'll cross that bridge, when we get there & adapt as necessary. I'm really not worried about it.

The PP that answered maybe didn't make it completely clear - the readings are choice passages from the bible; often one old-testament and one new-testament. The priest will then give a short homily (sermon) explaining them. Marriage is a sacrament and Catholic weddings are liturgical church services that are all comprised of the same necessary elements. There's not a ton of opportunity to personalize or "do your own thing" with the service. In other religious traditions you could, say, have a couple people read poems or inspirational quotes or something just to make sure you're including them.

Thanks for the explanation & suggesting other options.