The wedding list just keeps growing and growing!

[tarheelmjfan]

I assume the cousins are male and would be you son's attendants?

What if he only chose one out of five for reasons entirely his own? That wouldn't leave only one or two feeling left out. Brides with multiple sisters and grooms with multiple brothers face this kind of decision all of the time with MOH and Best Man selections.

I can see where the groom in the wedding you described above might have had cause to talk to his bride about her choice to very particularly move to exclude only one of his cousins. I say might, because it's unclear whether she was the only female cousin excluded, or rather the only cousin, male or female, excluded. If all of the other cousins included were males standing with their cousin the groom, then I don't think the exclusion should have been taken so personally -- except if the bride truly elected to go with almost any other breathing female who wasn't the groom's cousin.

I understand as the mom possibly talking to your son and expressing your concerns about hurting feelings or causing dissension in the family. I can't see insisting on forcing his hand on his choice of wedding attendants.

I don't want to be rude, but there's no point in me trying to type out long relies on my phone, when nothing anyone says would change my mind on this particular topic. I'm not a demanding person, but keeping our family close is the one hill I'm willing to die on.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't want to be rude, but there's no point in me trying to type out long relies on my phone, when nothing anyone says would change my mind on this particular topic. I'm not a demanding person, but family is the one hill I'm willing to die on.

As long as you understand that your "one demand" may present an issue for your son and/or his potential bride and their refusal/inability to accede to your "one demand" may undercut your relationship to them and not be as important to the rest of your family as you have made it.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I don't want to be rude, but there's no point in me trying to type out long relies on my phone, when nothing anyone says would change my mind on this particular topic. I'm not a demanding person, but keeping our family close is the one hill I'm willing to die on.

I'm curious, you say you want to keep the family close, but it would seem to me that you be possibly doing it at the expense of the relationship with your son and DIL. Is that really worth it? Are you willing to listen to their reasons should they not agree with you on this or is there not room for the conversation. Of course your decision, but I think you could be putting your son in a very bad position and it could lead to resentment.

It sounds like you have a very close family and that's wonderful, but if you are as close as you say, people will get over hurt feelings.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't want to be rude, but there's no point in me trying to type out long relies on my phone, when nothing anyone says would change my mind on this particular topic. I'm not a demanding person, but keeping our family close is the one hill I'm willing to die on.

I have a very close family, but I don't expect my future son or daughter in laws to choose their attendants from their finances' siblings, never mind cousins. That would be like me insisting on picking out my son's' future brides' wedding dresses.

 

[morgan98]

I have a very close family, but I don't expect my future son or daughter in laws to choose their attendants from their finances' siblings, never mind cousins. That would be like me insisting on picking out my son's' future brides' wedding dresses.

Exactly...and let's face it you are just closer to some people than others. Doesn't make it right or wrong, it just happens. It is very possible to want a particular cousin to be in your wedding party, but all of the cousins, seems a bit of a stretch.

 

[dish rag]

THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED!!!!! Lol

Not sure why you would write that. Why not always look for the positive to come out of any situation. This is a very nice family going through some wedding planning issues for a young brides wedding. It's not uncommon and will be figured out in the best possible way.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not sure why you would write that. Why not always look for the positive to come out of any situation. This is a very nice family going through some wedding planning issues for a young brides wedding. It's not uncommon and will be figured out in the best possible way.

Um, sarcasm? Maybe I needed another LOL.

 

[wilkeliza]

Exactly...and let's face it you are just closer to some people than others. Doesn't make it right or wrong, it just happens. It is very possible to want a particular cousin to be in your wedding party, but all of the cousins, seems a bit of a stretch.

I chose 1 of my cousins and my best friend as my attendants. If my mom was alive and demand I choose all or none I would have had 18 attendants! I'm dealing with the all or none bs now and it is frustrating. I don't believe every niece and nephew should get a job because we have 9 of those as well and if each one has a job then we can't choose our friend's kids either.

 

[luvsJack]

It shouldn't be an issue with adults but I guess sometimes it can be. DD has 4 female cousins that are her age but her and one of them are very close and more like sisters. I am going to guess that she will be choosing the one cousin along with her best friends as attendants. I can't imagine trying to make her put the other cousins in the wedding.

OTOH, my own wedding caused some family issues. I didn't know until way after but I had 5 little nieces and 3 nephews. I picked one niece as my flower girl. In order to not hurt the feelings of the other little girls, they were "rice girls" (basically they all had the same dress and carried baskets with the rice bags). 2 of my nephews honestly wanted no part in the wedding anyway but one was very upset. His mother (sil) got angry about it and her and my brother actually had a big argument. Not much I could have done about it anyway, ex-h had his ring bearer (his nephew) and I don't know what else a little boy could do. The fact that it actually caused an argument blew my mind but like I said, I had no idea until way after.

 

[Poohforyou]

Good for you. I just don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family that may last a lifetime. I don't think asking for all or none is asking too much. Opinions on a message board won't change my mind on that.

I'm so glad my mom didn't interject into our wedding to the extent of insisting on specific attendants. She did help a lot with picking food for the reception, especially wine .

Someone asked but I didn't see an answer, are all the cousins male? I couldn't imagine expecting the bride to include a bunch of her fiance's extended relatives in her bridal party.

I'd suggest you be upfront about the cost of your demands. Maybe having the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon paid won't be worth the price.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm so glad my mom didn't interject into our wedding to the extent of insisting on specific attendants. She did help a lot with picking food for the reception, especially wine .

Someone asked but I didn't see an answer, are all the cousins male? I couldn't imagine expecting the bride to include a bunch of her fiance's extended relatives in her bridal party.

I'd suggest you be upfront about the cost of your demands. Maybe having the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon paid won't be worth the price.

No offense to anyone, but I haven't answered any of the questions & I'm probably not going to. This isn't a discussion I'm willing to waste time on, especially trying to type on my phone. It's like beating a dead horse. I will say my DS knows how I feel. After the unfortunate wedding experience I mentioned earlier, he agrees. He's an only child & doesn't want to hurt his cousins either.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm curious, you say you want to keep the family close, but it would seem to me that you be possibly doing it at the expense of the relationship with your son and DIL. Is that really worth it? Are you willing to listen to their reasons should they not agree with you on this or is there not room for the conversation. Of course your decision, but I think you could be putting your son in a very bad position and it could lead to resentment.

It sounds like you have a very close family and that's wonderful, but if you are as close as you say, people will get over hurt feelings.

If someone says there's no point in discussion because nothing anyone says will change their opinion it doesn't sound like there's a lot of room for conversation on the subject. It would be interesting to watch if the bride had a mom who felt exactly the same way -- and the genders of the cousins were all heavily tilted the same way as well. Seems like a couple with darned good reason to elope.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't want to be rude, but there's no point in me trying to type out long relies on my phone, when nothing anyone says would change my mind on this particular topic. I'm not a demanding person, but keeping our family close is the one hill I'm willing to die on.

Somehow, I don't think I can be convinced that this is 'your' hill.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't think one day in DS's life is worth causing hard feelings in the family that may last a lifetime.

I would also say that if all of these cousins would be just so offended over whether they were an attendant or not at a wedding, and it would cause hard feelings that would 'last a lifetime'.... I would place that squarely on them.

 

[luvsJack]

I think ya'll are jumping on the pp about something that is a non issue for her and her son.

She doesn't say if the cousins are male or female (or maybe I missed it??) so maybe they are male and the bride won't have anything to do with the choosing. Also, keep in mind she said "ALL or NONE" so "NONE" can be the choice. And "none" works whether they are male or female or both.

She knows her family and knows if it would cause hurt feelings and perhaps preventing those hurt feelings is more important to her than worrying about who to blame for the upset? If her son knows going in that this is the one thing his mom will insist on then he knows how to plan his part of the wedding and how to direct his finance when it comes to his family.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think ya'll are jumping on the pp about something that is a non issue for her and her son.

She doesn't say if the cousins are male or female (or maybe I missed it??) so maybe they are male and the bride won't have anything to do with the choosing. Also, keep in mind she said "ALL or NONE" so "NONE" can be the choice. And "none" works whether they are male or female or both.

She knows her family and knows if it would cause hurt feelings and perhaps preventing those hurt feelings is more important to her than worrying about who to blame for the upset? If her son knows going in that this is the one thing his mom will insist on then he knows how to plan his part of the wedding and how to direct his finance when it comes to his family.

I initially assumed all of the cousins were male, but it appears at least one is female. Since the PP says the cousins are close, I would assume her ds would want to have his male cousins as attendants. Therefore, the bride would be pretty much forced to give an attendant spot to her groom's cousin, which is weird.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think ya'll are jumping on the pp about something that is a non issue for her and her son.

She doesn't say if the cousins are male or female (or maybe I missed it??) so maybe they are male and the bride won't have anything to do with the choosing. Also, keep in mind she said "ALL or NONE" so "NONE" can be the choice. And "none" works whether they are male or female or both.

She knows her family and knows if it would cause hurt feelings and perhaps preventing those hurt feelings is more important to her than worrying about who to blame for the upset? If her son knows going in that this is the one thing his mom will insist on then he knows how to plan his part of the wedding and how to direct his finance when it comes to his family.

I believe at this point it is an abstract issue. That's precisely part of the reason why I think it's so problematic to take such a rigid stance. Let the situation develop and express concerns at the appropriate time. But to blatantly throw down such a blanket requirement in the abstract could end up causing her son some distress if it were to come about that he meets the perfect girl to spend his life with and starts to plan a life together, only to find out that her equally undemanding mother has one hill she's willing to die on that conflicts directly with his undemanding mother's hill.

Nope, you let the couple start their planning and approach them if you see an issue you feel they should be aware of. If the son is accustomed to having a close relationship with extended family, no doubt he's going to make an effort to work towards a plan that fits a continuation of that close relationship and knits his new bride right into the fabric.

 

[luvsJack]

I initially assumed all of the cousins were male, but it appears at least one is female. Since the PP says the cousins are close, I would assume her ds would want to have his male cousins as attendants. Therefore, the bride would be pretty much forced to give an attendant spot to her groom's cousin, which is weird.

Again, none is still a choice. She seems to feel very strongly about it and maybe her son does too.

 

[luvsJack]

I believe at this point it is an abstract issue. That's precisely part of the reason why I think it's so problematic to take such a rigid stance. Let the situation develop and express concerns at the appropriate time. But to blatantly throw down such a blanket requirement in the abstract could end up causing her son some distress if it were to come about that he meets the perfect girl to spend his life with and starts to plan a life together, only to find out that her equally undemanding mother has one hill she's willing to die on that conflicts directly with his undemanding mother's hill.

Nope, you let the couple start their planning and approach them if you see an issue you feel they should be aware of. If the son is accustomed to having a close relationship with extended family, no doubt he's going to make an effort to work towards a plan that fits a continuation of that close relationship and knits his new bride right into the fabric.

Not necessarily. Our family is extremely close too but I don't see dd asking all of her cousins to be attendants. She may ask the one and she may ask none. She has a large group of friends so she may stick with the friends.

If her son is in agreement with her or knows how she feels, he would probably know ahead of time if his bride was close enough to his female cousin to ask her to be a bridesmaid. If not, then he can ask his friends to be his groomsmen. Or perhaps he will marry someone with 6 brothers and there you go, 6 groomsmen.

 

[Wendy31]

I'm not sure why inlaws are always approached w/ such suspicion, & the opposing side is always on the defensive & assuming all sorts of things.

Not everyone always has an agenda.

Like others have said, most weddings are "family" affairs - whether or not the bride and/or groom intended for the wedding to be that way or not. '

When you're not having a destination wedding or a specifically very small wedding & only inviting immediate family or a few close friends (a very set guest list), but, instead, planning for 150-200 guests, there *are* going to be people that both set of parents will wish to include... and these guest lists have a way of expanding, despite the best intentions.

In the OP's situation, the groom's mother is expanding her original list - but is ALSO willing to pay for the extra guests.

The bride's mother has some additional people that she'd like to include, but she didn't because she wanted to go w/ her daughter's wishes for a smaller wedding, which I understand.

However, while the bride, in this case, may want a smaller wedding w/ a more limited guest list, the groom does not & would be fine w/ a larger wedding. I think that's key. The groom's mother is not trying overtake the wedding & make any kinds of demands that are out of sync w/ BOTH the groom AND the bride - perhaps the groom wishes to include these guests as well.

And it is the groom's wedding as much as it is the bride's wedding - and this wedding is not being paid for by just the bride's parents.

I think it's fine to have a set number of guests, but I think the bride & groom need to be in mutual agreement about their expectations for the wedding - and it doesn't sound like this bride & groom are.

If I were the OP & there were additional people I wanted to invite that I had initially not included, in this case, I'd talk to my daughter. Because, I can see, how, as the mother of bride, I'd feel a bit miffed if the mother of the groom was trying to include additional guests when I specifically cut my list short. So I understand the vent!

For me, it makes a bit of an awkward situation when the bride wants one thing, & the groom is fine w/ another thing. When the groom is fine w/ his mother adding these guests (& the groom's parents are paying for the additional guests), what do you do? The mother of the bride could just go w/ her daughter's wishes or she could ask to invite some of her additional guests to make the guest list more even.

Another point to consider, of course, is the venue. Regardless of whether or not everyone is willing to pay for their extra guests, will the venue nicely accommodate the extra guests?

And, regarding attendants & family expectations, when our children get married, while I don't expect cousins to necessarily be asked to be attendants, I would like to see our sons have a part in their sister's wedding, & I would like to see our daughter have a part in her brothers' wedding. I'd like to see our older DS as a groomsman in our DD's wedding, & I'd like to see DD as a bridesmaid in our older DS's wedding. (Because there is a pretty big age gap between our younger DS & his older brother & sister, I could see where their particular roles in each other's weddings might be different than bridesmaid/groomsman, but I would still like to see younger DS as a part of his older brother's & sister's weddings, & I'd like to see them as a part of his wedding.)

I also see the dilemma of hurt feelings if one cousin is asked while other cousins are not.