Trusting Someone

[starry_solo]

Ughhhhhh. I do NOT like him!!!

I agree!

 

[sk!mom]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your DD is so young to be dealing with such an overwhelming relationship.

Their friends being cold to you is a sure sign that he is very vocal in his complaints regarding you. He is only being minimally civil to you himself because he doesn't have enough control of your DD yet to cut you off completely. Once she gets the wedding she wants, he'll be doing all he can to cut you guys completely out. Continue to do all you can to be very calm and loving with your DD.

I would caution you to not put too much nonrefundable money toward the wedding. She wouldn't be the first person to go through with it just because too much had been spent not to.

Prayers that she sees how unhealthy this relationship is very soon.

 

[sk!mom]

I had another thought...Does your faith require premarital counseling? Some do and it could be a help to your DD if it's really good counseling with a qualified counselor rather than just a minister checking boxes.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your DD is so young to be dealing with such an overwhelming relationship.

Their friends being cold to you is a sure sign that he is very vocal in his complaints regarding you. He is only being minimally civil to you himself because he doesn't have enough control of your DD yet to cut you off completely. Once she gets the wedding she wants, he'll be doing all he can to cut you guys completely out. Continue to do all you can to be very calm and loving with your DD.

I would caution you to not put too much nonrefundable money toward the wedding. She wouldn't be the first person to go through with it just because too much had been spent not to.

Prayers that she sees how unhealthy this relationship is very soon.

Oh we aren’t putting anything down yet. So far I keep saying we can’t right now because of finances.

Dh were talking last night about planning a family bbq when older ds gets home. Dh thinks if we push a little on the family stuff, we may see his true colors sooner rather than later. Not really push but go back to our regular family stuff that we have always done. Dinners, bbqs, etc. Dd has always loved that we do stuff like that so we will see what happens.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don’t believe in love until at least a year for this reason. In the beginning, love and lust feel very much the same. I also don’t think that anyone shows their true colors until close to that year mark. You can only put on your best you for so long, being more agreeably than you really are, not have a bad day when you feel like being selfish, or pretend to enjoy camping (that would be me), or shopping (that would be DH). If the relationship has a couple of cracks in the foundation at the start, what’s going to happen years down the line?

I’ve been with DH for almost 30 years, have known him for almost 40, and it appears there is real trouble in paradise for your dd. I also think you need to tread carefully, I’d get the advice of a professional, because this appears to be a textbook case of a controlling partner. I do wish you and your family luck, I pray everything turns out well.

 

[Sabeking]

I had another thought...Does your faith require premarital counseling? Some do and it could be a help to your DD if it's really good counseling with a qualified counselor rather than just a minister checking boxes.

I thought the same thing!!! You really get a clear idea of the other person’s basic ideas and beliefs of what marriage is to them. That may be an eye opener and if he refuses to do it that may speak as well.

 

[luvsJack]

I had another thought...Does your faith require premarital counseling? Some do and it could be a help to your DD if it's really good counseling with a qualified counselor rather than just a minister checking boxes.

It doesn’t require it but a lot of preachers do it. I will check with the preacher at our church. May get dh to put a bug in bil's ear about how it would be a really good thing and if it came from him, dd wouldn't feel that it was us doing anything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack....
Your update makes me even MORE scared and concerned for your DD.
I just can not find the words....

Please take this seroiusly and tread very carefully.....

Try to understand what a few of us have tried to mention, and look into how to best deal with a situation like this with a controlling, possibly abusive, personality.

The premarital counseling is not required... He knows that... So, any so-called "requirement" would not work... And, something tells me that if it were required in your church/religion, he would work that much harder to make sure that they are married where he is, by a preacher that his mom finds.

If you consider the premarital counseling thing, his response to this will also tell you a lot.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Speaking in generalities I trust everyone I know IRL until they prove to me are not trustworthy.
Once proven I'm pretty much done.
I do not base this feeling on he said, she said.

I do this too!
And have been accused of being too optimistic. But I prefer to believe most are inherently good people.

 

[katie111]

If she knew for certain that he was trying to get back with the ex, would she leave him? If so, I'd get that proof and get it to her. If she wouldn't leave him even with proof, then she is in for a life of misery. I would do whatever I could to get her away from him. I would also just stop talking about the wedding. Sometimes girls (and even older women) get so focused on the wedding that they forget about the important part, the actual marriage. I would just say your not discussing it till she's 21. The whole this is just way too quick at pretty much any age, never mind at 20. Are you some sort of religion where they are "waiting" for marriage? Nothing wrong with that but wondering is that is what the rush is all about. Although I think you said they live together, so probably not the case.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Sometimes girls (and even older women) get so focused on the wedding that they forget about the important part, the actual marriage. I would just say your not discussing it till she's 21. The whole this is just way too quick at pretty much any age, never mind at 20.

While I agree it is moving too fast, I don't agree with that approach. You don't want to do anything that may support the boyfriend saying negative things about you.
"Mom doesn't want to talk about the wedding until I'm 21."
"See, I told you, she doesn't like me, she's going to do anything she can to sabotage us."

 

[okeydokey]

The wedding is not going to happen as you won’t sign, so why talk about it at all? Details of who gets to decide what and who gets to do the ceremony are irrelevant. Don’t get bogged down and expend any energy.

 

[Disney Doll]

To answer your question: yes. Everyone in my life needs to earn my trust. I also have different levels of trust. Some people I’ll trust with my life. Others I’ll trust to pick me up a gallon of milk at the store.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think it is a fine line when it comes to 'talking about the wedding'....
My thoughts from the last update were that this was a LOT of focus on the wedding.

LuvsJack, while you can't just issue a judgment and refuse to talk about the wedding... which would backfire, of course.
I would try to back WAY off....
Focus on everything else...

I do feel that the big 'wedding' thing, all of the dreams and fantasies, could easily hold way to much appeal for an impressionable young person, maybe like the DD.
I would 'listen'.... ALWAYS listen.... listening is always so much more valuable than talking...
Be more non-chalant, non-focused, and non-committal.

LuvsJack, just how focused is she on the whole wedding thing?
Is she really pushing to talk about and set these details?
I would imagine, and be afraid, that this is actually the big thing in her mind right now!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just to revisit the whole trust thing.
I have made it a point to teach my DS, who is about this DD's age, about trust.

He has already had two opportunities already to learn that the person who smiles and pats you on the back could also possibly have that dagger in hand.
He is learning!!!!

 

[luvsJack]

If she knew for certain that he was trying to get back with the ex, would she leave him? If so, I'd get that proof and get it to her. If she wouldn't leave him even with proof, then she is in for a life of misery. I would do whatever I could to get her away from him. I would also just stop talking about the wedding. Sometimes girls (and even older women) get so focused on the wedding that they forget about the important part, the actual marriage. I would just say your not discussing it till she's 21. The whole this is just way too quick at pretty much any age, never mind at 20. Are you some sort of religion where they are "waiting" for marriage? Nothing wrong with that but wondering is that is what the rush is all about. Although I think you said they live together, so probably not the case.

No they aren’t waiting. They do live together. I think he is her first but of course I don’t know that for sure and I haven’t asked. She wore a purity ring for years. I am not even sure when she stopped wearing it.

Honestly I don’t know what the rush is. I could perhaps understand it if they didn’t live together. I have asked. I don’t get a straight answer just a “because we want to be married”.

I do get what you are saying about getting caught up in the planning. Even warned dd about that.

 

[luvsJack]

I think it is a fine line when it comes to 'talking about the wedding'....
My thoughts from the last update were that this was a LOT of focus on the wedding.

LuvsJack, while you can't just issue a judgment and refuse to talk about the wedding... which would backfire, of course.
I would try to back WAY off....
Focus on everything else...

I do feel that the big 'wedding' thing, all of the dreams and fantasies, could easily hold way to much appeal for an impressionable young person, maybe like the DD.
I would 'listen'.... ALWAYS listen.... listening is always so much more valuable than talking...
Be more non-chalant, non-focused, and non-committal.

LuvsJack, just how focused is she on the whole wedding thing?
Is she really pushing to talk about and set these details?
I would imagine, and be afraid, that this is actually the big thing in her mind right now!

She isn’t always focused on it really. Some days she is sending me Pinterest stuff all day and some days she doesn’t mention it.

Saturday me, dd and her friends went and looked at dresses. This was planned awhile back so before all this other came to a head. She knew it was just looking. We had already planned the day together for Sunday and looking at dresses sort of led into talking about what things would cost.

Honestly I am not sure how much they talk about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, looking at dresses....
That is def. now past the point of any return.
She IS focused and dreaming 'wedding'.

That means that, even more than having to think that her relationship is not what she thought, and losing that dream... If she is going to begin to question things at all, she is also going to have to let go of that 'wedding' dream. I can't imagine how hard that might be for her.

 

[sonnyjane]

Wow, looking at dresses....
That is def. now past the point of any return.
She IS focused and dreaming 'wedding'.

That means that, even more than having to think that her relationship is not what she thought, and losing that dream... If she is going to begin to question things at all, she is also going to have to let go of that 'wedding' dream. I can't imagine how hard that might be for her.

Eeeeek yeah would have advised against dress shopping

 

[QueenIsabella]

OP, I'm going to be a bit blunt here. You have been enabling this relationship, to your daughter's detriment. She's 19, and she dropped out of college and is playing house with the first guy who has seriously looked at her. And you're sitting there, promising to pay for her wedding???

You understandably have misgivings about the young man. But what you need to be doing is encouraging your DD to grow up and make better choices--not just about the guy, but about her life. If you are subsidizing her lifestyle in any way, it needs to stop. I wouldn't pay a dime for a wedding--your DD isn't ready to be married. It's a lifetime commitment, and she's playing house and planning a fancy party.

OTOH, you need to provide all the emotional support that you can. When this situation goes south--and it will--your DD will need her family to help her get back on track. But you are doing her no favors by subsidizing her bad choices.

The only thing I would be buying for her is birth control. because the absolute worst thing that could happen is that she makes a baby with this guy.