Trusting Someone

So, if I am following (not sure that I am) in the couple of hours since you first posted this thread you decide to talk to A and their SO (your son?) and told both of htem about this rumor you have heard about A (whichyou have no idea if it is true or not, but had already told A about hearing it)?

And even though you involved yourself in this drama (based on hering rumors), you are annoyed with A's mom for involving herself now?

Honestly, I wouldn't upset anyone's relationship over a rumor. That's not about who do ou trust---that's about not creating drama and inserting yourself into things you are not a part of.

If I were you, I'd apologize for having jumped in and stirred things up after getting caught up in the drama, and ask forgiveness for doign so and then stay out of it (includijg not taking calls from A's mom)
 
Your last sentence is so true and so hard to face. But I guess we have to.

We spoke to A and the SO at the same time. We just told them both that we have been given some info and took some time to decide what, if anything to do with it. And we tried to make it clear that we were not accusing or necessarily believing it, just wanted them to know. Our plan was to make it clear, we didn’t even need to know if it was true or not. But they needed to figure out what to do with it.

The very initial reaction from both of them made us initially think that it was fine and both already knew this information was out there and it wasn’t a problem. But then A’s actions just seemed off and then refused to talk any longer about anything. So we left.

We had no intention to discuss it anymore especially not with anyone else. But A contacted A’s mother and she got involved in trying to tell us it wasn’t true but the problem with that was that she told me things that I know are untrue to try and prove it false. So she made a big mess of it.

We haven’t said anymore about it but when I see or talk to A it keeps getting brought up in a “joking” manner, which I found odd considering the panic attacks. But like I said, I have never had true anxiety so it wouldn’t be fair to judge that.

Oh well, like I said, we will just sit back and see how it all plays out It’s really all we can do at this point. I just needed to sort that out in my mind I guess.

Yes, you are going to have to let it all play out. It is too late now, but when confronting the two of them together, I am not sure what other reaction you would have expected. If the SO is your son or daughter, I probably would have only talked privately to them, as they would be my main concern. However, this may be my view of things because I imagine my mom discussing an issue with me, but never involving A in the discussion. Once you confronted them both, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak.
 
So, if I am following (not sure that I am) in the couple of hours since you first posted this thread you decide to talk to A and their SO (your son?) and told both of htem about this rumor you have heard about A (whichyou have no idea if it is true or not, but had already told A about hearing it)?

And even though you involved yourself in this drama (based on hering rumors), you are annoyed with A's mom for involving herself now?

Honestly, I wouldn't upset anyone's relationship over a rumor. That's not about who do ou trust---that's about not creating drama and inserting yourself into things you are not a part of.

If I were you, I'd apologize for having jumped in and stirred things up after getting caught up in the drama, and ask forgiveness for doign so and then stay out of it (includijg not taking calls from A's mom)


No. We talked to them a few days ago. I am having a hard time trusting the basically non answers. While I honestly didn’t need to know if A was guilty of what A was accused of, there are just some other things there that throw up questions about past episodes of abuse. Not physical but mental and emotional abuse. Since A focused on one part of what we were told that part was not addressed. That’s when A walked out.

I could have asked to see the proof. But just didn’t feel right about it.

Honestly A and the SO are fine. SO is not angry at anyone and seems to understand where we were coming from. A is not angry that we brought it up or talked about it. A is angry that we brought it up in front of A not just with the SO. We were told if the situation was reversed, A’s mother would tell A about it not SO.

I don’t have an issue with A calling his Mom. I don’t care that she talked to me. We talk all the time. I have an issue with being lied to. Well not really an issue with it, I just know that she lied and that doesn’t help.

But Dh and I have talked enough today and we agree that we will put off the decision and see how things play out.
 
If the decision has anything to do with money, inheritance, will, etc., I wouldn't even consider including A in it at this time.
 


Yes, you are going to have to let it all play out. It is too late now, but when confronting the two of them together, I am not sure what other reaction you would have expected. If the SO is your son or daughter, I probably would have only talked privately to them, as they would be my main concern. However, this may be my view of things because I imagine my mom discussing an issue with me, but never involving A in the discussion. Once you confronted them both, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak.

Well I guess I expected the reaction I would have gotten from either of my sons. If it was not true, they would want to know what this so called proof is and confront the accuser. Not jump on or fight but get the proof to prove it false.

I guess not everyone would do that and we were wrong to expect it.
 
OK, so then i am really not following all that well.

Best I can tell, some rumor is goign around about your DD's boyfriend and you talked to the boy friend about it, didn'T like his reaction (felt it meant he was lying so talked to him and your DD about it together? And now his mom is callign you and telling you things you know to be lies?

and somehow abuse is involved?


If you felt your daughter (or whoever the SO of A is) was at risk of being abused, or was being abused, I can see having a conversatin for sure---but if so I would go directly to the possible victim, and calmly explain what i had heard and make sure they knew that if they ever had an issue and needed my help they could turn to me.

Otherwise? If the rumors did not cuase me to believe my child was in true danger? I woudl stay OUT of the rumors and not create drama. I would say there are many types of trust (can this person be trusted to tell the truth? to keep a secret for me? to have my back? to treat me kindly? etc) and it can be as hurtful to have someone helping to stir up drama at my emoti9onal expense as it would be to have someone lie to me when out on the spot in the midst of such drama.
 
Well I guess I expected the reaction I would have gotten from either of my sons. If it was not true, they would want to know what this so called proof is and confront the accuser. Not jump on or fight but get the proof to prove it false.

I guess not everyone would do that and we were wrong to expect it.


I am having a really hard time following, but, If I were being accused of something that I knew 100% was completely false (as did my SO if this is something that could effect him) no, I would not engage in the nonsense and drama and confront the accuser, they obviously would not have compelling proof, so there is no need to engage, and I would distance myself from that person as much as possible. I don't do drama, and I am not going to go out of my way to try and prove a negative if I know that I am not guilty of what I am being accused of.
 


OK, so then i am really not following all that well.

Best I can tell, some rumor is goign around about your DD's boyfriend and you talked to the boy friend about it, didn'T like his reaction (felt it meant he was lying so talked to him and your DD about it together? And now his mom is callign you and telling you things you know to be lies?

and somehow abuse is involved?


If you felt your daughter (or whoever the SO of A is) was at risk of being abused, or was being abused, I can see having a conversatin for sure---but if so I would go directly to the possible victim, and calmly explain what i had heard and make sure they knew that if they ever had an issue and needed my help they could turn to me.

Otherwise? If the rumors did not cuase me to believe my child was in true danger? I woudl stay OUT of the rumors and not create drama. I would say there are many types of trust (can this person be trusted to tell the truth? to keep a secret for me? to have my back? to treat me kindly? etc) and it can be as hurtful to have someone helping to stir up drama at my emoti9onal expense as it would be to have someone lie to me when out on the spot in the midst of such drama.

Oh Lordy, I am making a mess of this secret stuff.

Ok it is my daughter and her fiancé who she lives with. I was contacted by someone who never said he cheated but that the whole time they have been together, he has been trying to get back with his ex. That is the part I didn’t need an answer on.

We talked to them together. We never talked to him alone. He is mad that we didn’t just talk to dd. But funny enough, the last time we wanted to see dd alone to talk about school and what was going on at the time, he almost had a panic attack. Waited until they weren’t together and called and told her she needed to move home so he wouldn’t be blamed for messing up her education-which wasn’t even close to what we were wanting to talk to her about. Had her just about hysterical. When we have gone down to see her when he is working nights, he wants it to be that we meet him to go eat on his lunch hour.

His ex claims he was mentally abusive part of which was cutting her off from her friends and family. While dd has not been cut off from any of us, we have seen some behavior we questioned. And what the ex related seemed to fill in those answers. For instance, he had to work Christmas Eve. She was coming to her grandmother’s. He got mad because she was leaving an hour before he went to work to get there. She left crying because he made her feel guilty. Other times he has made her feel like she couldn’t spend the gas money to come see us. We agree to put gas in her car and he backs off.

Since we basically have to go to her, it would have been impossible to see her without him.

We really don’t care if he was talking to his ex. That is for dd to decide if she trusts him or if it is true.

And both of them said immediately that they knew this was being claimed( that he was talking to his ex) Ok, no problem. Everything is good. And then he wanted to know why we believed the person telling me over him. I told him we didn’t. But some other things that were said had us concerned and we felt it necessary to talk to them. That is when he went out and called his mom, cane back in and went to the bedroom and wouldn’t come out. I never had a chance to say anything else.

We do care if he is abusive in any way.
I did talk to Dd alone about it the next day.

Just a few months ago we really liked this guy. Thought he was great for dd. Truly felt this relationship was great. And then other stuff started going on. She had a friend that both she and ds were very close to. Well the fiancé decided he doesn’t like the friend for one reason or another and they are no longer friends. We haven’t said anything one way or the other about it. Ds has questioned it as he is still friends with the guy but I told him he had to ask dd.

Now the fiancé has decided he doesn’t like Ds. But when asked why, he doesn’t actually have an answer. I think the last one that was given was he is disrespectful. How? “It’s not worth explaing”. ????? So far dd’s answer has been “well he is my brother so get over it”.

The problem with not dealing with this,imo, is it’s not going away. This proof has been offered to several people, ds included. Dd and her bf, do not have anything to do with the people who have this “proof” but they do hang out with and are friends with a lot of the same people. (His decision that he doesn’t like ds seems to coincide with finding out ds has been offered the proof although Ds has not seen it and said specifically he didn’t want to see it).

And according to dd, his mom is going to handle it by getting revenge and hurting them like they hurt her son. Ok, not something I want dd to be a part of.

I spent part of yesterday with both of them. He doesn’t act mad in any way but keeps making jokes about cheating. And making cracks toward ds. But I have been told that none of this can be discussed as it will cause a panic attack.

Part of our issue with dealing with this is we have sort of been down this road before. When ds married the first time we had some strong suspicions about the girl. We actually saw her with some guys when ds was out of town one night. Ds would not see it or hear it. They got married. 5 years later, his whole word got torn out from under him.

The decision is whether to sign for her to get married. She can’t marry in this state until she is 21. That will put the wedding off another year which is what we have decided to do.
 
I would be very worried about some of the things that you have personally seen regarding this guy, there are a lot of red flags here, without even considering the rumors about him trying to get back with his ex. I don't have a lot of advice, as I have not been in a situation like this, but I would be very concerned.
 
That does sound concerning, especially since your dd is so young, how long has she been dating him? How old is he?
 
He is 23 and they have been dating for 10 months. She is head over heels. She is 19. If they got married when planned, she would be 20 when they married.

She has never been in a really serious relationship.
 
He is 23 and they have been dating for 10 months. She is head over heels. She is 19. If they got married when planned, she would be 20 when they married.

She has never been in a really serious relationship.

Now that you have posted your whole story, I understand why you are concerned. I also believe she left her original field of study and met this guy and the rest is history. I too would be concerned if I had a daughter that young and inexperienced in relationships being with someone who sounds somewhat manipulative and controlling.

Unfortunately there is only so much you can do. Her loyalty is probably more with him now. She will work through it one way or another. Just be there for her.
 
He is 23 and they have been dating for 10 months. She is head over heels. She is 19. If they got married when planned, she would be 20 when they married.

She has never been in a really serious relationship.
They barely know each other, and she doesn’t have any experience. Dd21 is on her 4th long term relationship (first one was over a year, second over two, third almost two, and her current close to a year). Her current boyfriend seems great, but it makes me nervous that he’s 27, and still getting his undergrad (in film). However, she says she wouldn’t mind being the money maker (CPA). Hopefully if that happens, it won’t be for a few years. Her first boyfriend wasn’t controlling, but too invested in her (dropped his friends, did everything she asked, eventually it got old). Controlling relationships are bad, especially those with no experience, some equate control with love, especially if not experienced.
 
Why the rush to marry? She is only 19, he has lots of baggage and they haven’t been dating that long. My daughter is that age and is enjoying college and learning about life. I would never encourage her rushing to the altar, but kids think they know all. I can see your concern, this seems like a train wreck happening.
 
Now that you have posted your whole story, I understand why you are concerned. I also believe she left her original field of study and met this guy and the rest is history. I too would be concerned if I had a daughter that young and inexperienced in relationships being with someone who sounds somewhat manipulative and controlling.

Unfortunately there is only so much you can do. Her loyalty is probably more with him now. She will work through it one way or another. Just be there for her.



Yeah I think making them wait another year would be the best decision and hoping it gives her some maturity time.
 
They barely know each other, and she doesn’t have any experience. Dd21 is on her 4th long term relationship (first one was over a year, second over two, third almost two, and her current close to a year). Her current boyfriend seems great, but it makes me nervous that he’s 27, and still getting his undergrad (in film). However, she says she wouldn’t mind being the money maker (CPA). Hopefully if that happens, it won’t be for a few years. Her first boyfriend wasn’t controlling, but too invested in her (dropped his friends, did everything she asked, eventually it got old). Controlling relationships are bad, especially those with no experience, some equate control with love, especially if not experienced.

That is exactly my fear. She is equating his jealousy and “worry” about her as love when in reality is manipulation.
 
Why the rush to marry? She is only 19, he has lots of baggage and they haven’t been dating that long. My daughter is that age and is enjoying college and learning about life. I would never encourage her rushing to the altar, but kids think they know all. I can see your concern, this seems like a train wreck happening.

No idea. They were going along fine. She was thinking marriage in the semi distant future. Then he proposed and wanted to get married two months later. His sister finally convinced him that it would be impossible. We knew we wouldn’t sign that quick anyway.

Yeah a year and a half ago dd was having a ball with her friends in college. And the. BAM She met him.
 
Oh crap. OP, I'm sorry to say it but, there are so many red flags here... I don't like this one bit, and the LEAST of all the reasons is whether or not he still wants to get back with his ex. I think he's manipulating and at minimum emotionally abusing your daughter. He's attempting to isolate her from friends (and family by way of your son) and is attempting to get total control even sooner by proposing earlier than anyone anticipated.

I would privately with her express your concerns... because you LOVE her and want her to accomplish so many things, not because you DO NOT like him (that will just get her defensive). But at the very least, you don't have to support this wedding, either emotionally or financially.

Keep an eye out for physical abuse signs (bruises, wearing baggy clothes to cover scratches etc.) If your relationship starts to get more distant, stay vigilant.

I DO NOT LIKE IT!
 
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LuvsJack,
I think I could give a thoughtful and coherent answer, IF the situation was clear.

I can understand how you want to keep from putting too much out there, but from what you posted, we have no way of knowing what is even going on.

I do not know who 'A' is.... Family friend, SO of your kid... somebody at church, work, etc....
We do not know how this even relates to you.
Some have speculated, but we do not know.
You really could give more info without giving names and details.

I will say this.... One thing does seem obvious...
'A', and 'A's mother involve WAY too much drama for me.
I do not invite that kind of drama into my home.

BTDT once.... Somebody close to my son, connected to a very toxic person.
Thankfully the situation changed and the problem person, connected to the person my son was close to, is not in the picture right now.... Because I was going to tell my son that if it is his choice to stay closely involved with this person, and the toxic person that they were close to who caused all of the toxic drama... Hey, his choice... He is a free adult... But, I would simply no longer let it be a factor in my home.

As far as discussing personal information and presenting not-so-positive information....
The old adage applies. Don't like the message, hate the messenger.
 

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