How do you quiet the one upper?

[NotUrsula]

I want to call her out so maybe she will stop. I have to listen to the ridiculousness 8 hours a day. Its mentally draining, constantly thinking "Well, that's not what you said a week ago" or "Why cant you just let XXX tell his story?" We all sit in silence which seems to get her going even more. Its really really bad. If it was just occasionally I would not start a thread. I'm really looking for advice on how to make it stop. I will try what a PP stated and just say "Oh thats nice" and turn back to the original conversation. Hopefully all will follow suit and she will tone it down.

It won't stop. Ever. You are throwing yourself at a brick wall. This particular habit is an act of desperation by the very socially insecure, who deep down, think that they are not natively interesting enough to be listened to, so they embroider in the unconscious hope that people will listen. I know this because I used to be one of them, though I didn't do it at work, but in social settings. My husband helped me stop, by developing a silent signal he could give me when I started to monopolize conversations. Only someone very close can get that kind of person to stop; a co-worker is powerless.

If she interrupts, call her on that, but ignore the story inflation. Y'all could shame her insecurity, but at base that is cruel, and will only make her angry at you, which opens you to work sabotage possibilities.
Just avoid her whenever you can, and be busy elsewhere when she starts to talk. It's at work, there is always the excuse of "I really need to finish this."

 

[Turn the Page]

One of my coworkers has a similar personality. He won't one up so much as he just has no grasp of reality at all.

We live in a summer resort area and he grew up in another area of the state but his family has owned a vacation cottage here for generations. His father works for a very prestigious university and, to put it mildly, his family has money. He will make comments about what a dump his second home is and how he doesn't understand why we think he grew up privileged just because his family keeps horses and he was on the equestrian team in school and has actually uttered the phrase "I don't know why you guys thinks I grew up rich, my parents had to save up to take us to Europe!!!!"

It's been 5 summers and we still have not been able to find a way to get him to stop. Work starts in a week. I wonder what gems he will give us this year.

 

[DISNEY1975]

...deleted

 

[fauna74]

You can take a page out of the southern girls book and just say "well, bless your heart" every time she starts. Accompanied with a fake, condescending smile.
If it were me, I would start outrageously one upping her.
Me: my daughter got an A on a test
Her: my daughter gets straight As
Me: well, I didn't mention it because I didn't want to brag- but my daughter got a perfect score on the SATs and Princeton called and they really want her BUT THEN Harvard also called. I don't know, which university do you think is better?
But, I really enjoy head games.

 

[starrzone]

My husband and his family are like this (his uncles are *especially* bad)...they all know everything and are the experts on subjects they've never even read anything about, other than on Facebook. I just do the "Oh", "That's nice", or another similar, non-committal answer. Of course, I'm the "know it all" because I am a lifelong, voracious reader and (almost) have a Bachelor's Degree in Science...if I point out they're wrong about something, I get "You're a snob", "You know everything", etc. I've learned to basically smile and keep my mouth shut; as a PP said, it can be very entertaining!

 

[Hrhpd]

Regarding the jealousy part, that is definitely not true. I have my life together, fortunately, she clearly does not. I almost thank my lucky stars I am not her! I do care about the time she takes off as I have to cover her time out. Both of our jobs tasks that muct be done daily. Nothing can wait for tomorrow when we get back. So, yes, I have a personal interest in the time she takes. Last year it was 75 days. 27 she gets for vacation, the rest was bologna.

We work in the same department, but have completely different jobs. She would never do something I do and vice versa. It not a competition.

You have to cover her time off? But I thought you said you have completely different jobs and you would never do anything she does.




It is not fun when someone tries to analyze every word you say, whether they know if it is relevant or not, to try to catch you in a lie, is it?

If you are concerned about having to cover her, you need to be speaking to your supervisor, not trying to undermine your co-worker. Apparently her time off is approved for whatever reason (a reason that is no business of yours) so if you are peeved at having to cover her absences, you need to speak to your boss about your workload if you cannot handle it.

I can't imagine the mental work it your obsession takes to keep track of exactly how many days off she took in one year, what she said even years ago, etc.

The reason it sounds that you are actually jealous is that you make inferences that she is getting special treatment such as getting days off because her father was a big wig. You are also obsessed that other people will believe her stories. That is not up to you. It is up to them to figure out whether she is telling the truth or not. You have to stop worrying about everyone else and worry and take care of just yourself.

 

[gotomu212]

Where you are right, is yes, I have made it a mission to proving her a liar. Yes, that needs to stop...but how? I dont tolerate people like that and I have no choice but to listen because I sit right in front of her. I will try my hardest to instead of asking the questions to just not say a word and turn to someone else to finish the conversation. Let's see if that works????

Another thing that might help is to have a little mantra to repeat anytime you find yourself getting annoyed, (I know corny) but mine is “not my monkeys not my circus.” So if she’s telling a lie to someone just try to say a little something in your head to remind yourself that her lying to someone doesn’t affect you and doesn’t need to cause you stress. Having a goofy little saying helps remind yourself to brush it off.

When a friend first suggested this to me I was SHOCKED to find out I said it over 30 times one day...that was an eye opener that I was letting someone else annoy me way too much, and it really helped change my mindset which I didn’t expect.

 

[cleverclovers]

How about looking her straight in the eyes and telling her "This is a A B conversation. So C your way out." Or "No one asked you. No One cares".

 

[DISNEY1975]

deleted

 

[CarolAnn856]

I get the desire to call her out, I really do. When some people see a wrong, they want to correct it. I'm definitely like that. It's hard for me to sit and watch someone bs others and get away with it. But, the reality is that just because it bothers me, does not mean I need to do something about it.

I have a couple of different things I use to keep myself in check. First, I try to not engage the person, or engage as little as I can. I don't start conversations with them, and if they start one with me, I find something that needs to be done that prevents me from talking further. Whether it's "Sorry, I'm concentrating on this project right now" or I decide that's a perfect time to make a phone call, I find a task that takes me out of the conversation. If we're in a group and the person one-ups someone else, I say "hmm, that's nice" and redirect the conversation back to the other person. If I get one-upped, I just give them a confused look and then continue on with my story.

 

[DISNEY1975]

I get the desire to call her out, I really do. When some people see a wrong, they want to correct it. I'm definitely like that. It's hard for me to sit and watch someone bs others and get away with it. But, the reality is that just because it bothers me, does not mean I need to do something about it.

I have a couple of different things I use to keep myself in check. First, I try to not engage the person, or engage as little as I can. I don't start conversations with them, and if they start one with me, I find something that needs to be done that prevents me from talking further. Whether it's "Sorry, I'm concentrating on this project right now" or I decide that's a perfect time to make a phone call, I find a task that takes me out of the conversation. If we're in a group and the person one-ups someone else, I say "hmm, that's nice" and redirect the conversation back to the other person. If I get one-upped, I just give them a confused look and then continue on with my story.

Thank you! I will try all of this starting tomorrow! I hope I have patience..this could take years.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

If I get one-upped, I just give them a confused look and then continue on with my story.

I like this.

 

[focusondisney]

Two little bits of wisdom come to mind:

Dr Phil's "how's that workin' out for you?"

And : you can't change other's behavior, you can only change how you respond to them.

Clearly your own actions of the last 20 years are not working for you. The only real option you have is to change you own actions. You have gotten great advice on other responses that you can try. I hope they help. Didn't see anyone mention headphones. Are you able to put on some headphones & your own music etc while you work? Tuning her out as she goes on to others will cut down on the amount of time you actually have to deal with it. In her last job, my DD would find the mindless chatter of coworkers annoying. They were much older than her & she didn't have much in common with them. She is an analyst so lots of independent computer time which didn't require her to interact with others. She would just put her headphones & iPod on & work away. Saved her sanity many days.

I don't know what kind of work you both are in, but that is a crazy amount of missed work time. I mean, 75 days at 5 days per week is 3.5 months & 15 out of 52 weeks of the year! If someone can be out that much & someone else is doing the work for both jobs for that much time, maybe both jobs aren't really needed? Crazy. Since you were keeping track of your cross covering for your former boss, you could continue to do that. If it is interfering with your ability to do your job, you could take your data to the new boss. Explain your previous manager asked you to track this, here is the data & see if the new boss has any thoughts on the issue. I would present it as wanting to do the best I can on my job & this is a bit of a roadblock, any input manager can give etc. Then it would be up to new manager to investigate why so much of your time is spent covering for others. (Of course, I would not dump at on a new manager first thing, but after you get to know them a bit & they have settled in.)