How do you quiet the one upper?

[DISNEY1975]

Im at my breaking point with a co-worker, an extreme one upper. 90% of what she says is not even true. I tried to call her out a couple of times, but she snapped and said she never said what I repeated. Is there anyway to let her know Im on to her without causing conflict?

 

[kaytieeldr]

Raise one eyebrow, say in a flat voice, "I can't believe that", and walk away.

 

[Deb & Bill]

Learn this phrase. "Well, dahlin', bless your little heart."

 

[neverlandsky]

“That’s nice” an elder taught me that this was code for FU.

 

[jliehr]

After 20 years? You can’t change others, just learn to deal with it better.

 

[ronandannette]

Im at my breaking point with a co-worker, an extreme one upper. 90% of what she says is not even true. I tried to call her out a couple of times, but she snapped and said she never said what I repeated. Is there anyway to let her know Im on to her without causing conflict?

I can not say anything or make any comment without her jumping in and saying she or her daughter did it bigger and better. Sometimes its not even something to brag about. One co-worker stated the police were at his house because his son was shooting at cans with a BB gun. She came out and said her daughter (14) was almost arrested for smoking from a hookah pipe on school grounds. Really? All other stories about her daughter make her look like she is a member of Mensa, about to go Pro in all sports and wanted by every top modeling agency in the world. She is a freshman at a tech school, but was already offered a job as a dentist upon graduation. If someone says their commute is 10 minutes, hers is 5, but another will come along and say theirs is 2 hours and hers is 3. Make up your mind woman!! I cant deal with this one more day....and its been 20 years! But the past 3 - 4 years its gotten really bad.

Of course not - knocking someone down a peg or two (which is want you want to do because she annoys you) is a pretty confrontational thing to do. Maybe it's warranted in your case but don't expect her to say "Oh, you're so right, thanks for pointing out how irksome and transparent my lies are." I guess maybe you can't just avoid her if you're in a workplace setting but if you think you're actually going to change her behavior you're dreaming. More likely you'll just make an enemy, which wouldn't be worth it to me at all when I could simply go on smiling, nodding and rolling my eyes.

 

[Klayfish]

My response would be something on the order of "OK, if you say so", or even "I don't care". I guess if I wanted to be a bit more polite, maybe first I'd pull her aside and be blunt about it and tell her I find it quite annoying and ask her to stop.

 

[Shanti]

She is a freshman at a tech school, but was already offered a job as a dentist upon graduation.

Uh huh, sure...

Ignore this person's comments. Anyone this out of touch with reality can't be reasoned with. I suspect she is genuinely mentally ill, with some sort of personality disorder. Have pity and leave her be.

I agree with a PP that confronting her will only cause problems at your workplace.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I worked with someone like that when I worked at a state park. He was always one upping people and if was such obvious nonsense (like he was in a plane crash and he was the first one to realize the engine had failed, seriously). We just pretty much ignored him.

That was until we were talking about the fun we had with the park rangers. They were awesome and we loved hanging out with them when it was slow. So he decided he had to one up our hang-out stories. He claimed one of them picked him up and the got Chinese food and went back to the admin office and watched adult movies (bizarre, right?!)

When the officer found out what he was spreading that around, he arranged a meeting with the park manager and the kid was fired because he could have jeopardized the officer's position. It was such a bizarre tale.

So my advice is this: ignore her. She'll one up the wrong thing one time and wind up getting herself in a whole mess of trouble. Unfortunately, there isn't a way you can help her.

 

[DISNEY1975]

...................

 

[ronandannette]

Yes, each time I try to call her out, he dlislikes me a little more (Like really 3 hour commute? I thought you said it was like 5 minutes." She will quickly snap and say she never said that). We still speak, but arent best buddies. New people will come into our department and she will impress them for a year or so, but then they catch on.

Yes, it gets uncomfortable if I try to hint Im not believing her story, or question her statement.

Ive been waiting forever! She does make comments about our VP...nothing bad, but that tells her all the time to not be working from home (she doesnt....I do because I handle the west coast projects and work on the east coast), or he asked her to be in charge of a project, when I know she asked if she could do it. I dont have the guts to ask him if its true.

You're clearly not dealing with a totally rational person here - anything that escalates or causes her to specifically target you is simply not worth it, IMO. If it's any comfort at all, don't think for a minute everybody else in the room doesn't feel exactly like you do towards her.

 

[Floridaman999]

Put them on ignore.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I've used various responses:
a blank stare, followed by an eye roll & shaking head as I walk away. Sometimes accompanied by a sigh.
"I'm not surprised"
"of course she has/is"
"can I just have the spotlight for once?"

 

[kuhltiffany]

I would avoid them, leave the room, the conversation, not worth the effort.

But I have been known to say "Are you done yet?"...or "Would you put that in writing?"...

 

[cluvsdisney]

Depending on the topic, I would either say “you win” or “it’s not a contest”.

 

[gotomu212]

I’m around someone like this. When she does it in a group we say “that’s interesting” and then turn back to the original person and ask them a follow up. So after she said the part about her daughter and the hookah, I would have said “intersting” turned to the other person and said “so what happened when the police saw it was a B.B. gun?”

Eventually the one upper tones it down since they don’t get an attention from it, and I wouldn’t engage in any one on one conversations.

There’s also nothing to gain by challenging them in my opinion. It’s your workplace, it already annoys her when you don’t agree, just smile and don’t engage.

 

[Jennasis]

She's like Kristen Wiig's character on SNL...the one upper. Next time she does it, you one-up her in a crazy over the top way.

You: I got stuck in traffic for 20 minutes this morning.

Her: I was stuck for an hour!

You: Well I was stuck because a tractor trailer full of chickens hit a truck carrying chocolate syrup and overturned and there was chicken running all over the road covered in chocolate sauce, and the truck pinned a bus full or orphans under it so they needed me to help free all 30 orphans and the nun driving the bus from the wreck, but then the nun had a heart attack and luckily I was the ONLY one who knew CPR so I was able to revive her and save her life! Busy morning!

 

[wenrob]

The problem is these people tend to believe what they’re saying even if they’re making it up on the spot and will cling to it until death. Or until the next conversation when they claim to have never said that at all. I know these people well, they are my mother and her side of the family. Really you just have to try not to engage. If you can’t do that you need to leave them nowhere to go with their story. My go to is usually, “Well, good for you.” There really is no arguing with that and no real way to continue without it being awkward. With my mother (and younger brothers) I’m more direct and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t believe that.” I wouldn’t recommend that with your coworker though. It *does* infuriate them but again they have nowhere to go because I’m “apologizing” when I say it. If that doesn’t work I say, “I’m not having this conversation with you.” Arguing with a compulsive liar will bring you nothing but frustration. Just walk away when you can.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I would have stopped engaging in non-work chit-chat long ago. Only advice I can give is to just stop engaging. Doesn't mean she would stop doing what she's doing but you'd personally probably have to deal with it less.

 

[wgeo]

OMG - I worked with this lady once who was wayyyy worse than your lady, she ....


couldn't resist. But seriously, I think the advice of giving it the smallest amount of attention possible is the best. Because negative attention is still attention, and clearly it's attention that she wants. Give a very short response and turn your full attention to someone else as soon as possible.