WWYD?

[DopeyDame]

If you are ever going to say something, I think now is the time (well, wait until after Christmas). That way, they can easily include him on the actual invitation if they want, without any drama.
If I were you, I'd talk to the mom (not the bride-to-be) and just casually say "Hey Minnie, we got the save the date to Daisy's wedding. I just wanted to clarify that it's just the three of us, and that Mickey isn't invited."
And then accept whatever answer she gives.

 

[piccolopat]

Just because your adult son lives with you and the family knows him doesn't mean he should be invited to the wedding. My MIL lived with us for years and not only knew all of our friends but was often included in things like barbecues and lunch at a local restaurant on a Sunday afternoon. When one of our friends was getting married neither MIL or DD (9 years old at the time) were invited. The bride had a very large family and space for friends was limited. No one was offended because some of our household was not included. When DH and I got married, funds were very tight and with 27 first cousins on my side we had to make some tough choices. In the end, we invited the oldest cousin from each family. When DD got married, we decided to only invite the cousins that we were close to over the years. No regrets. Explain to your son that sometimes not everyone is invited to the reception. You might take him to the church so he can see the ceremony. If your son is prone to be loud or inappropriate as happens with Asperger's sometimes, this might not be advisable as you don't want the attention to suddenly turn to him.

 

[gwynne]

If you are ever going to say something, I think now is the time (well, wait until after Christmas). That way, they can easily include him on the actual invitation if they want, without any drama.
If I were you, I'd talk to the mom (not the bride-to-be) and just casually say "Hey Minnie, we got the save the date to Daisy's wedding. I just wanted to clarify that it's just the three of us, and that Mickey isn't invited."
And then accept whatever answer she gives.

Good advice if OP really needs to know an answer. OP probably should consider that asking about this could cause a big change in the "happy neighbor" relationship. Maybe asking will be fine, maybe it won't. It would be great if things like this weren't so touchy, but they often are.

 

[Kellydelly]

I think the bride should have just invited you and your husband and left your son off the save the date. It is weird to just invite one of your sons and not the other. I would not say anything at all, though. I would not take the younger son to the wedding. Just go with your husband and leave the boys out of it. I don't think teenagers would necessarily have a good time anyway, unless his friends will be there. One of my neighbors just got married a few days ago. He has lived on our street for about 8 or 9 years. He invited the couple that live next door to him, but not their 20 and 22 yr old children that live at home (well, the younger one lives on college campus nearby). They were hurt that they didn't get to go (or maybe it was more their mother, LOL). She is the one that griped to me about it during the reception. I don't think you need to make this awkward for the bride and her family. Handle this on your end and just leave all kids at home! It is really rude to ask people about their wedding guest list. I had it happen to me when I was getting ready to be married. Trust me, the bridal couple and their parents are probably already stressed about who's going and who's not already. You leaving an extra guest at home will probably thrill them! I really don't think your 18 yr old should go if his brother was not included. JMHO.

 

[mom2rtk]

Just because your adult son lives with you and the family knows him doesn't mean he should be invited to the wedding. My MIL lived with us for years and not only knew all of our friends but was often included in things like barbecues and lunch at a local restaurant on a Sunday afternoon. When one of our friends was getting married neither MIL or DD (9 years old at the time) were invited. The bride had a very large family and space for friends was limited. No one was offended because some of our household was not included. When DH and I got married, funds were very tight and with 27 first cousins on my side we had to make some tough choices. In the end, we invited the oldest cousin from each family. When DD got married, we decided to only invite the cousins that we were close to over the years. No regrets. Explain to your son that sometimes not everyone is invited to the reception. You might take him to the church so he can see the ceremony. If your son is prone to be loud or inappropriate as happens with Asperger's sometimes, this might not be advisable as you don't want the attention to suddenly turn to him.

I view a MIL living with a family different from a son living with a family, especially when the other son was invited.

I think the bride should have just invited you and your husband and left your son off the save the date. It is weird to just invite one of your sons and not the other.

Exactly that. If cost was an issue, they should have left both sons off (given that both sons have a relationship with the family).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just have to say that, in the above example, tacking "(oldest son) isn't invited" there at the end is adding negativity and judgement.
IMHO, it is not a good idea to blatantly point that out.

If I were to mention it, it would be a simple clarification.... 'Thanks so much for the Save the Date card! It is for the three of us, (Myself, DH, and oldest DS)?

I have found that pointing out the obvious is not usually a positive or popular thing to do.

 

[wilkeliza]

The only reason I said ask was surrounding the fact that some will send an adult child living at home but not still in school a separate invitation. It was more for clarification not about making them feel bad if they do say he isn't invited. It seems like DS18 does know the family much better even if the hire DS21 for house sitting.

 

[piccolopat]

I view a MIL living with a family different from a son living with a family, especially when the other son was invited.

The younger son was actually friends with the bride. The older son was not. Why would MIL living with us be any different than a child living with us well into adulthood? Let's change the scenario and make it that the older son's friend was getting married. This friend knew the parents well but not the brother and so the invite didn't include the younger brother. What would you think then? Would you feel that friend was obligated to include the younger sibling just because he also lived in the same house?

 

[tcufrog]

Have you asked them at all about how the wedding planning is going? The answer may be very revealing and answer your question in a roundabout way without you directly asking.

 

[mco65]

I suspect its a numbers/$ game.. they were probably cutting heads and your oldest son was left off because of that. If its important to him then, i would let him go in my place or the fathers place...

 

[wilkeliza]

I suspect its a numbers/$ game.. they were probably cutting heads and your oldest son was left off because of that. If its important to him then, i would let him go in my place or the fathers place...

Letting someone go in your place to a wedding is a big no no in my book. If an invitations says Mr and Mrs So and SO and DS18 then it is for those three not Mrs So and So and whatever 2 other people she wants to invite or vice versa. Again there could be other reasons besides numbers that DS21 is not invited.

 

[morgan98]

I suspect its a numbers/$ game.. they were probably cutting heads and your oldest son was left off because of that. If its important to him then, i would let him go in my place or the fathers place...

In general, people are invited to weddings because those are the people the bride and groom want to spend the day with. I do not think they are meant to be "placeholders" and that those invited can send people in their place. It is not a voucher for a meal.

Once you see what the final invite says, you can decide what to do. I also like the idea of just leaving both of your kids at home.

I always find these threads interesting, as my husband and I are somewhat introverted. There are times we decline wedding invitations if we are not particularly interested in going, even if it is because we enjoying having weekends to ourselves. I have a hard time understanding contacting the bride or the family of the bride or groom in order to voice my concern over the proper people not being invited to the wedding. It is just something I would never do.

 

[kamik86]

I think inviting 3 of four people that live in a house is very tacky even if its a numbers game. If you wanted to cut people either cut both sons or only invite the son that they are close to, not 3 of the 4.

There are some cases you can get away with things like that... for example I invited 3 of my fathers 4 siblings. The wedding and all three that were invited were in Massachusetts. We aren't close enough to expect her to travel for it.

However there is no way I would have invited some of the people in a house where I knew everyone and not invite everyone.

 

[3Gsandme]

I was thinking that as an adult they might be planning to invite older ds separately. The save the date came to OP, Spouse and Child, but there wasn't a reason to double up the save the date for the adult child still at home.

I'd hold off until the invitations come before passing any judgement.

 

[sam_gordon]

Is it rude to ask about who's invited to a wedding (or why someone was left off)? IMO, yes. However, I think it's equally as rude to invite 3/4 people living in a home (unless the person left out has NO interaction with the bride or her family).
I see no problem with talking to the mother and say something like "We got the 'save the date', and we just want to make sure it's for the three of us. That's fine if it is, but just wanted to make sure." If you're going to say something, I think you do so sooner rather than later. Don't wait until the actual invitations are sent out.

 

[Hikergirl]

Just because your adult son lives with you and the family knows him doesn't mean he should be invited to the wedding. My MIL lived with us for years and not only knew all of our friends but was often included in things like barbecues and lunch at a local restaurant on a Sunday afternoon. When one of our friends was getting married neither MIL or DD (9 years old at the time) were invited. The bride had a very large family and space for friends was limited. No one was offended because some of our household was not included. When DH and I got married, funds were very tight and with 27 first cousins on my side we had to make some tough choices. In the end, we invited the oldest cousin from each family. When DD got married, we decided to only invite the cousins that we were close to over the years. No regrets. Explain to your son that sometimes not everyone is invited to the reception. You might take him to the church so he can see the ceremony. If your son is prone to be loud or inappropriate as happens with Asperger's sometimes, this might not be advisable as you don't want the attention to suddenly turn to him.

Quoted wrong post

 

[Hikergirl]

The younger son was actually friends with the bride. The older son was not. Why would MIL living with us be any different than a child living with us well into adulthood? Let's change the scenario and make it that the older son's friend was getting married. This friend knew the parents well but not the brother and so the invite didn't include the younger brother. What would you think then? Would you feel that friend was obligated to include the younger sibling just because he also lived in the same house?

I think this case is different because the OP is a neighbor and has stated that the family has been invited to other things, and that their kids grew up together (sharing rides, etc). The family also uses OP's oldest ds for odd jobs. It isn't like this family doesn't know the other ds at all, they know the whole family and it just so happens that the OP's younger ds is a student of the bride to be, it isn't like they are best friends.
I get that space is limited, and there has to be a cut-off, but I think we just disagree where that cut off should be in this case. If they aren't going to invite both adult kids that live in the house, then they probably should only invite the parents. Afterall they don't have to fill a quota, they can invite less than who they have room for. To me that is the right thing to do in this situation, obviously you feel differently.

 

[Wendy31]

Technically, it is considered proper etiquette for anyone over the age of 18 to receive his/her own invitation. Children 18 & under are included in their parents' invitation.

So, it could be that, because your 2nd DS is under 18, they are including him as part of the family invitation. Because your 1st DS is over 18, he is not being included.

Maybe they had to have to some kind of cut off for the wedding guests, & they decided to include children under 18 w/ the families' invitations but anyone over 18 & presumably "on his/her own" is not included unless the person has some kind of close relationship w/ the bride and/or groom.

That said, since your 1st DS still lives w/ you & your family has known this family for 19 years & have done things together, it is a bit odd to me that they wouldn't include your older son.

I'm not sure how or even if I would address it though w/ my neighbor. I think any way you go about it could be awkward. Like another PP suggested, you could just casually mention the wedding in passing & see where it leads - "Hey! How are the wedding plans going? We got our save-the-date..."

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I apologize if it was mentioned in the OP but is the mother and father of the bride hosting/paying for the wedding? I only ask because it's entirely possible the mother and father of the bride have little or no control/input of who is invited or who is not. It may not be appropriate to ask the mother of the bride why so and so wasn't invited or casually mentioning if they weren't involved a lot in the guest list to begin with.

Personally yes I think it bites having the other son be left out. It could have been an honest opps but IMHO when we sent out Save the Dates for our wedding we addressed it to all who lived at the household and included those adult children too who were away at college (because we didn't want to track down each address to where they were at college, etc). If the Save the Date said so and so Family then it in my mind it would be different but they were addressed to specific people.

Recently my husband's coworkers got married in June. They chose to not have any children period at their wedding and politely addressed their save the dates/invites that way. It did cause some people to not come whether they couldn't find someone to watch their children or they felt insulted it could have been both. But they did have specific reasons for not inviting children. I understood the bride and groom's point of view though in my case I only had like 5 or 6 children out of over 100 people so it wasn't a big deal for them at my wedding. Theirs they would have had a lot more.

It really could go several ways here. They may have honestly thought it might have been stimulus overload for him to be there and may have caused him distress. It also could have been they might have though there would have been some sort of issue with him being there. It also could have been an honest mistake.

OP do you personally know anyone else who got Save the Dates? If you did maybe you could ask them how their Save the Dates were addressed.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I wouldn't say anything.