WWYD?

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters, I think things should be taken on a case by case basis and in this case I am siding with asking the neighbor.

I would have to ask because frankly as your neighbor for 19yrs with kids growing up together and all that jazz, it begs the question.

Perhaps they SHOULD discuss it? They are close neighbors. I would think a weirdness would descend on the relationship.

Why? What possible positive purpose would that serve?
These people are neighbors, they are not family. Sometimes I think it's best to just have other plans, send a gift and call it a day. Then I'd tell the kids we have plans, we're sending a gift and move on.

I don't understand asking why the one son was excluded so you could relay the message to him. I would think that if the OP feels that the excluded son needs an explanation, now is the time to talk about weddings in general and how the bride and groom decide who they invite, sometimes they cannot invite everyone, that he is 21 and considered and adult and may not be included in everything...

Look at this as part of the social skills training your 21 year old needs (my older son has Aspergers). Part of developing social skills is learning that sometimes you're invited and sometimes you aren't. This of course depends on how severe his Aspergers is. Another thing that's hard to do as a parent of someone with Aspergers is taking an honest and objective look at how our children behave in public and social situations. I've avoided certain things with my older son since he can't handle him. After all, it's not fair for my son's issues to take over all the time. Not all situations should be about me trying to teach my son social skills to the detriment of the other participants enjoying themselves. Will your older son be able to handle the social requirements of a wedding and reception? Will non family members think he can handle it?

The bolded above is exactly my point. It's rude to question the "relationship" and why it would be significant enough to merit being included. I just think that's ridiculous and frankly, not the point. And everyone keeps saying how clarification is needed to make sure what the B&G intended, how the older son being left off could be unintentional. I'm just curious, when people invite you to things, or don't as the case may be, do you always feel it's necessary to call the person up and "clarify" whether or not you should have received an invite, and if everyone who lives in your house "should" have been on it, or did the person just forget to write a name down? That's crazy! Again, if it was my son and his bride, and they cherry-picked among neighbors with adult kids, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if the parent's questioned it and asked if it was a mistake that not all were included. No matter how friendly we were, there is no way i wouldn't take it as accusatory, and it would be a very awkward thing. Nobody is going to like being asked something like that, especially with including the whole, "It's totally OK if you didn't invite my older on, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget to"... That comes across as "I'm calling you out for being rude, but I'm doing it in a fake friendly way."

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I would not ask. You oldest DS is 21. He technically is his own family regardless of where he lives. He will either receive his own invite or not. I would weigh how much it would upset him with my decision to attend and would probably decline.

I would never RSVP for more than invited.

I do not have a problem being invited without my spouse to a co-workers wedding as my DH would have no desire to attend if it was me and a bunch of other girls I work with.

I am not a big wedding fan and prefer not to be invited anyway.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

Well frankly there is your answer to how generally speaking most people would react if you decided to take it upon yourself to invite those who were not invited.

Random oops aside people invite who they want to invite to many things. If I was your coworker I highly doubt I would invite you to any other function I may be hosting again because you decided to invite a tag along so to speak.

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

Sure husbands and wives are in most cases considered one entity but if a wedding invitation, which usually would include a spouse listed, in fact did not then I would take it to mean my spouse was not invited. Perhaps your co worker could have put in a polite way "no spouses please" or something of the sort but you shouldn't just invite your spouse to go with you. If you don't find it an acceptable situation, which I do honestly understand, then decline the invite entirely.

I would not add a guest. It's clear that some people don't necessarily realize all that can go into inviting people to events. For some it's pretty darn easy going and for others they have to be or choose to be more selective. It's like in my example earlier in regards to my husband's coworker's wedding where it was adults only (though yes they did politely put that on the save the date/invitations). A guest should not just take it upon themselves to add their child....no the child was not invited so no don't just decide to bring the child with you (this didn't happen as all who came did not bring their children but I was using this as an example in regards to the context of your comment).

 

[sam_gordon]

I would not ask. You oldest DS is 21. He technically is his own family regardless of where he lives. He will either receive his own invite or not. I would weigh how much it would upset him with my decision to attend and would probably decline.

I would never RSVP for more than invited.

I do not have a problem being invited without my spouse to a co-workers wedding as my DH would have no desire to attend if it was me and a bunch of other girls I work with.

I am not a big wedding fan and prefer not to be invited anyway.

At what age does a child leaving at home become "his own family"? In this case, the younger child is 18. I'd consider him an adult at this point and deserving of his own invitation. Of course, everything (IMO) depends on the relationship with those throwing the party on whether I'd ask or not. As The Mystery Machine mentioned, these kind of things should be dealt with on a "case by case" basis and I agree, in this case, I would find someway to ask.

 

[wilkeliza]

At what age does a child leaving at home become "his own family"? In this case, the younger child is 18. I'd consider him an adult at this point and deserving of his own invitation. Of course, everything (IMO) depends on the relationship with those throwing the party on whether I'd ask or not. As The Mystery Machine mentioned, these kind of things should be dealt with on a "case by case" basis and I agree, in this case, I would find someway to ask.

The split is either 18 or graduation from high school. The OP did point out that her son has not yet graduated high school and it is even possible that the neighbors weren't sure if he was 18 yet or not but knew he was in high school still so included him on mom and dad's invite.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

You ADDED a guest to an invitation that was only for you?
And then you refused to go after you said yes when you did not get your way?

Hosts can invite whomever they like. Guests can chose to accept or not, but should never ever RSVP for more people than invited.

 

[DisAuntie]

I agree. I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant is that the wedding and the lack of invitation for the 21 year old is not about him or the op, it about the couple and their families.

We've lived near our neighbors for 13 years. None of them made it to the guest list for our son's wedding. Simply not possible to invite everyone we know.

You're right, I did misunderstand. Thanks for the clarification.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think that rules of etiquette should apply today, just as they did 50 years ago.

It is socially polite to not put a hostess in an awkward position. If an invitation is issued, it's up to the recipient (those named on the invite) to either accept or decline. It's not ok to call and ask if it's an oversight. It's not ok to demand that an additional person be invited. You say yes, the person(s) invited would love to attend...or not.

Now, there's always the exception to the rule. A casual party at a close friend's home, and your sister is in town, mentioning to your friend in a non awkward way 'Oh Jane, I'd love to come but Sarah is in town that weekend. I'd hate to leave her home, so I'm sorry we won't make it' is totally fine. Your friend can say 'Oh, bring Sarah, the more the merrier' and that's great, or if she'd like the gathering to remain intimate (for whatever reason) she can say 'That's a bummer, but hopefully you'll make the next one.'. And all is well.

A formal gathering like a wedding is already so fraught with family obligations, parental issues, money/budget woes...it's awful when people make assumptions and put brides/grooms in terrible positions. It's not at all uncommon in my neck of the woods for a co-worker to invite a table of workmates solo, and seat them together. You want to be attached at the hip to your hubby? You just reply that you're unable to attend. It's not a personal shun against your dh, it just is what it is...an invite you accept or decline.

In the op's case, I wouldn't say anything. There are so many possible reasons/variations here. When the invite comes, if it doesn't include the older ds, then it's up to her to accept or decline for her and/or dh. It's up to her younger son to decide for himself as well. Then send the reply card, stating whom will attend. No need to put anyone in an awkward position.

 

[sam_gordon]

It is socially polite to not put a hostess in an awkward position.

But it's "socially polite" to put the OP in the awkward position of explaining to the older son he's not wanted?

Now, there's always the exception to the rule.

Right. And I think this situation fits as an exception.

 

[SMD]

But it's "socially polite" to put the OP in the awkward position of explaining to the older son he's not wanted?

A couple should invite an adult who lives with his parents to a wedding so that his mommy doesn't have to explain to him that he's not invited? Only the people doing the invite decide who is invited. How one adult invitee explains that to another adult non-invitee is their own issue. Yes, it is impolite and unreasonable to expect a host to adjust their invite list because of what may be an awkward dynamic between an attendee and their own family member.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.....
Telling somebody 'he's not wanted'....
Really? Seriously?

I have a problem with the thought that everyone must be invited to everything, because they have to be assured that they are 'wanted'.
I call being so 'offended'... "well, if I am not WANTED..." a little thing called 'falling on knives'.

If the invitiation is meant for the three of them, while I would not do that, that is perfectly fine and acceptable. The bride (and her mom) have every right to proceed how they feel necessary as they come up with a guests list.

If the OP does feel that they are close enough, and does wonder if there might be some confusion, she would also have every right to clarify. If she can do so without questioning or judging any possible motives. (that is the part that is iffy)

 

[sam_gordon]

Yes, it is impolite and unreasonable to expect a host to adjust their invite list because of what may be an awkward dynamic between an attendee and their own family member.

I have a problem with the thought that everyone must be invited to everything, because they have to be assured that they are 'wanted'.

Neither one of those are what I said. Try not to put words in other people's mouths. I'm guessing it's not "socially polite".

 

[Bren's Mom]

I still stand by the fact that it is impolite and puts the hostess in a very awkward position if op asks her neighbor outright.

If a conversation about the wedding comes up, and there's a way to bring it up without putting hostess on the spot, like in my Sarah/Jane example above, then by all means. But for the life of me I can't think what that would be in this situation.

If I had to guess at the bride/neighbor's motives, I'd say there's a better then good chance that they invited the friends of the parents (op and dh) and friend of the bride (younger daughter). Nothing sinister is necessarily occurring here. And op readily admits that her older son doesn't usually go to such things. It's not the bride'S responsibility to work on the op's son's socialization.

It's no different than if the other son was 14, older son 18, and they made their wedding no kids, with a cut off at 18. The other child wouldn't be invited then, and again, it would be up to op to accept or decline.