WWYD?

[jt'smom]

Regardless of what I might think of an invitation, I would never question it.

Nailed it. An invitation is an invitation. Or in this case a Save The Date card. It's extended as a social request for the company of whomever the person sending it chooses, for whatever reason, and regardless of whether you like it or not, or agree with it, it's not a command that you must accept. And as such, it's not the person's place who is on the receiving end to question why or why not someone wasn't included. Especially in this case. It's not like it's a birthday party invitation some parent sends to the entire class, but leaves out one kid. Now that would be cruel, simply because it would seem very exclusionary and you're talking about little children. It's a wedding, for heaven's sake, and it's not the Bride or Groom's responsibility to explain their choices. Plus, it's also not like we are talking about a family with a 12 and 15 year old, where only the 12 year old is included. It's an 18 year old who has a relationship with the bride, and a 21 year old who does not, except as a long time neighbor. I don't get why that is considered tacky, or mean. As for the argument that it's not right because it's not inviting the entire household, well, in this day and age when lots of twenty-something adults still live at home, I just can't imagine feeling like adult children should always be included simply because they haven't gotten out on their own yet.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Regardless of what I might think of an invitation, I would never question it.

This!!!

Do not ask the neighbor why the std was only addressed to the three of you and not ds21. You put her in an awkward position by doing so. You might say it's alright if he isn't, but by asking you are telling her that it isn't alright. Also, she may not know exactly who is/isn't invited if the bride and groom are handling the majority of the wedding preparations. And, you don't know how they have come up with their guest list, what criteria they used, who they had to cut that they would have liked to invited.

Plus, you have only received a std card. The wedding is 6 months away. When the actual invitations come, ds21 may be included on yours or he may receive his own. Or, he may not be invited at all. The b/g get to decide who is invited to the wedding and who isn't. There can be many reasons as others have stated in this post.

If he isn't invited, it is not your place to question why he wasn't. You may be upset that he isn't and not agree with the fact that he wasn't, but again, you can not dictate to others who in your family is/isn't invited. All you can do is either accept or decline the invitation. If you decide to decline, all you have to do is rsvp "no". You do not give an explanation that you aren't going because ds21 wasn't invited. If asked, "we have another commitment that day".

 

[Southernmiss]

A bride annd grooms wedding day is one of the few days in their lives it is all about them.

I agree. I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant is that the wedding and the lack of invitation for the 21 year old is not about him or the op, it about the couple and their families.

We've lived near our neighbors for 13 years. None of them made it to the guest list for our son's wedding. Simply not possible to invite everyone we know.

 

[kamik86]

This!!!

Do not ask the neighbor why the std was only addressed to the three of you and not ds21. You put her in an awkward position by doing so. You might say it's alright if he isn't, but by asking you are telling her that it isn't alright. Also, she may not know exactly who is/isn't invited if the bride and groom are handling the majority of the wedding preparations. And, you don't know how they have come up with their guest list, what criteria they used, who they had to cut that they would have liked to invited.

Plus, you have only received a std card. The wedding is 6 months away. When the actual invitations come, ds21 may be included on yours or he may receive his own. Or, he may not be invited at all. The b/g get to decide who is invited to the wedding and who isn't. There can be many reasons as others have stated in this post.

If he isn't invited, it is not your place to question why he wasn't. You may be upset that he isn't and not agree with the fact that he wasn't, but again, you can not dictate to others who in your family is/isn't invited. All you can do is either accept or decline the invitation. If you decide to decline, all you have to do is rsvp "no". You do not give an explanation that you aren't going because ds21 wasn't invited. If asked, "we have another commitment that day".

My issue with this advice is if everyone is so afraid to just come out and say something to check no one is going to know if something really is just an oversight.

I didn't attend a wedding that was just addressed to me once. It was family I didn't know well and when I only got the invite I assumed they didn't invite my husband (they wouldn't have had my address so it wasn't just that they didn't know his name, they could have gotten that from my mother when she gave them my address). I didn't want to go without him since most of my other closer family would know more of the guests (they are older then me so were closer with these cousins).

Turns out they asked my mom after why I didn't come and was shocked that I didn't think he was invited.

Sometimes things are just oversights. Someone half typed/wrote something and got distracted by something and came back to a different spot then they actually left off.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

OP here. Thanks for all
of the replys. DH and I are not going to say anything to the neighbors. I put the date on the calendar and tossed out the card. When we get the actual invitation we will assume that whomever is listed on the envelope is invited. I'm
not trying to dictate who the couple invites to their wedding and I agree that it's their right to include and exclude people as they see fit.

 

[AppleDumpling]

DH and I are not going to say anything to the neighbors. I put the date on the calendar and tossed out the card. When we get the actual invitation we will assume that whomever is listed on the envelope is invited.

You're wise to take a wait and see approach. If it turns out that one son is in fact excluded, which tbh, seems most likely, I would feel disheartened but still wouldn't say anything.

I would decline the invitation and send a gift to the couple, along with a card wishing them well and signed with the names of all family members (or simply, "the LB family"). If your other son opts to attend by himself, that's his choice to make.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We're finding ourselves in a situation that may be a simple oversight, but it's kind of bugging me. The girl across the street is getting married in June. We moved into our house 19 years ago and have been close to her family ever since. Their girls are a few years older than our boys (theirs are 24 and 22, ours are 21 and 18). We've been to their graduation parties, gone to watch each other's kids in shows, picked up each other's mail, driven each other's kids places, etc. Our DS18 took a dance class that was taught by the older girl who is getting married. She is also the choreographer for a musical theater group that he's performing with, so they know each other well.

The other day, we got a "save-the-date" card for her wedding. It was addressed to DH, me and DS18. Our DS21 was not listed. DS21 has Asperger's Syndrome, so he is far less social than his younger brother. He has never been to a wedding and is curious about what it's like to attend one. He has asked me a few times if I thought we would be invited to the neighbor's wedding. I told him we would have to wait for the invitation, but I thought we probably would be invited.

When the save-the-date card came and DS21's name was left off, I didn't know what to make of it. They definitely know him. Lately the dad has been hiring him to pick up their mail when they go out of town since DS18 has a job and DS21 doesn't. It gives DS21 a way to earn a few bucks. I'm wondering if perhaps they thought he wouldn't be interested since it will be a large social gathering and he's not very social. But wouldn't it make sense to include him on the invitation and let him decide if he's comfortable attending or not? I don't think they're afraid of him being disruptive. He's can be a pretty vocal guy about things that interest him, but he knows how to sit quietly in church and in theaters. He would not make noise or be otherwise inappropriate. He may not be interested in much of the food since he's a picky eater, but he can make his own choices and deal with them.

So what do we do? Wait a few more months for the actual invitation and see if he's included on that? Ask the mom, the dad or the bride if it was a simple oversight (at the risk of putting them in an awkward situation)? If he's not included on the invitation, do we just tell him he wasn't invited and go without him? That would just about break my heart since he has so little interest in social situations and he specifically expressed an interest in this one. We end up going a lot of places with just DS18 because DS21 doesn't want to go. I would hate to leave him behind, and I know it would make him feel sad to know he wasn't invited.

I should add our neighbors are a really great family. We have always had a good relationship and we help each other out whenever we can. They have always been very nice to us and both of our boys. That's why this situation is surprising and has me a bit stumped.

Reading your post is tough. It really sounds like he was left off the list on purpose.

I would have to ask just so I could explain it to my kid why he was left out.

 

[sam_gordon]

It's an 18 year old who has a relationship with the bride, and a 21 year old who does not, except as a long time neighbor.

Why are people putting so much stock in this "relationship"? The bride teaches a dance class the 18yo is in and choreographed a show he is in.

ETA: I don't think the 21yo should necessarily be invited. I think it would be good to clarify that he ISN'T invited (and his STD note didn't get lost in the mail or the B&G thought the one note is good for everyone or something else).

 

[gwynne]

Reading your post is tough. It really sounds like he was left off the list on purpose.

I would have to ask just so I could explain it to my kid why he was left out.

Why? What possible positive purpose would that serve?
These people are neighbors, they are not family. Sometimes I think it's best to just have other plans, send a gift and call it a day. Then I'd tell the kids we have plans, we're sending a gift and move on.

 

[Minnesota!]

Why can't an 18 year old adult decide if they want to go to a wedding to which they were invited, even if their adult sibling wasn't also invited?

I was just envisioning my household (I have 2 boys, same ages apart, too..). I know my younger son would have NO interest in going, and especially would not if his brother wasn't going. I mean, if my 18 year old WANTED to go, then that's fine...go. But, I am more apt to think that boys that age would prefer an empty house than going with their parents to a wedding...

 

[morgan98]

Reading your post is tough. It really sounds like he was left off the list on purpose.

I would have to ask just so I could explain it to my kid why he was left out.

I don't understand asking why the one son was excluded so you could relay the message to him. I would think that if the OP feels that the excluded son needs an explanation, now is the time to talk about weddings in general and how the bride and groom decide who they invite, sometimes they cannot invite everyone, that he is 21 and considered and adult and may not be included in everything...

 

[tcufrog]

Look at this as part of the social skills training your 21 year old needs (my older son has Aspergers). Part of developing social skills is learning that sometimes you're invited and sometimes you aren't. This of course depends on how severe his Aspergers is. Another thing that's hard to do as a parent of someone with Aspergers is taking an honest and objective look at how our children behave in public and social situations. I've avoided certain things with my older son since he can't handle him. After all, it's not fair for my son's issues to take over all the time. Not all situations should be about me trying to teach my son social skills to the detriment of the other participants enjoying themselves. Will your older son be able to handle the social requirements of a wedding and reception? Will non family members think he can handle it?

 

[jt'smom]

Why are people putting so much stock in this "relationship"? The bride teaches a dance class the 18yo is in and choreographed a show he is in.

ETA: I don't think the 21yo should necessarily be invited. I think it would be good to clarify that he ISN'T invited (and his STD note didn't get lost in the mail or the B&G thought the one note is good for everyone or something else).

The bolded above is exactly my point. It's rude to question the "relationship" and why it would be significant enough to merit being included. I just think that's ridiculous and frankly, not the point. And everyone keeps saying how clarification is needed to make sure what the B&G intended, how the older son being left off could be unintentional. I'm just curious, when people invite you to things, or don't as the case may be, do you always feel it's necessary to call the person up and "clarify" whether or not you should have received an invite, and if everyone who lives in your house "should" have been on it, or did the person just forget to write a name down? That's crazy! Again, if it was my son and his bride, and they cherry-picked among neighbors with adult kids, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if the parent's questioned it and asked if it was a mistake that not all were included. No matter how friendly we were, there is no way i wouldn't take it as accusatory, and it would be a very awkward thing. Nobody is going to like being asked something like that, especially with including the whole, "It's totally OK if you didn't invite my older on, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget to"... That comes across as "I'm calling you out for being rude, but I'm doing it in a fake friendly way."

 

[wilkeliza]

The bolded above is exactly my point. It's rude to question the "relationship" and why it would be significant enough to merit being included. I just think that's ridiculous and frankly, not the point. And everyone keeps saying how clarification is needed to make sure what the B&G intended, how the older son being left off could be unintentional. I'm just curious, when people invite you to things, or don't as the case may be, do you always feel it's necessary to call the person up and "clarify" whether or not you should have received an invite, and if everyone who lives in your house "should" have been on it, or did the person just forget to write a name down? That's crazy! Again, if it was my son and his bride, and they cherry-picked among neighbors with adult kids, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if the parent's questioned it and asked if it was a mistake that not all were included. No matter how friendly we were, there is no way i wouldn't take it as accusatory, and it would be a very awkward thing. Nobody is going to like being asked something like that, especially with including the whole, "It's totally OK if you didn't invite my older on, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget to"... That comes across as "I'm calling you out for being rude, but I'm doing it in a fake friendly way."

I have thrown a few parties where we had addressed the invites to just the adults because that is who was invited. Each year our guests who have kids call or text and ask if the kids are invited. Usually when the kids are invited we put their names or to The blank Family. I don't see it as being rude to clarify. I usually just simply say we are having an adults only party and leave it at that. I don't give my reasons why no kids or whatever.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

^^^Regarding whether DS21 would be able to behave appropriately at a wedding, the answer is yes. He can sit quietly
for movies and live performances. Since we have two performers in our family (DH and DS18), we go to lots of shows and concerts. DS21 has been to see both of the neighbor girls perform in shows. He also does fine in church. If he gets bored, he just zones out rather than acting out. He also does well in restaurants. If he gets uncomfortable he will generally whisper something to me. He doesn't have public outbursts.

As I said in a previous update, whatever happens is fine. I was taken aback when I saw only three names on the save-the-date card. But it's their choice.

 

[disney4us2002]

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

 

[SirDuff]

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

I would never RSVP for more than the people on the invitation. So, no, I would not reply that 4 would attend. Nor, would have I replied that WE would attend when only I was invited. I'd RSVP (yes or no) for the three people invited (whether that is all yes, all no, or some combination).

 

[morgan98]

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

Again, not trying to be rude, but I still do not understand why people cannot see that an invitation only applies to the people on the invitation. The default should be to understand that only the people being invited are invited. If this "rule" is followed, it would then stand to reason that if three people are invited, you would only respond for 3, never 4. Or in the case of the co-worker wedding, respond for only yourself. (I agree that not including a spouse is odd).

All that being said, the person being invited can be upset or offended because they feel someone was left off and that is fine. In that case, just say you are not going. No big deal.

 

[Disneylover99]

I'm curious as to how most here would reply to the invitation when it comes. Suppose it comes to the adults and one son. Would you reply, yes 4 will attend? How would the neighbors or b & g then handle that? I find it rude to invite specific members of a family. All or none in my opinion unless it is a child-free event which is not applicable in this case since everyone is adults.

I had a co-worker about 8 years ago invite me to her wedding. At that point my dh had not met her but I was married with three sons and she knew this. I replied that WE would be attending. The following week at work she approached me and said she was sorry but that spouses were not invited and several of us "girls" from work should attend together. I chose not to go but did give a gift. I get trying to keep costs down but not to include spouses for a formal evening event was unacceptable.

It would be rude to reply 4 were attending when only 3 were invited. Why would anyone do that?

If only one out of two of my children were invited to a wedding, I might find it tacky or strange, but so much would revolve around the circumstances. I'd have to mull it over. I may decline all of 3 of us or I may just attend with my husband. It depends.

 

[morgan98]

The bolded above is exactly my point. It's rude to question the "relationship" and why it would be significant enough to merit being included. I just think that's ridiculous and frankly, not the point. And everyone keeps saying how clarification is needed to make sure what the B&G intended, how the older son being left off could be unintentional. I'm just curious, when people invite you to things, or don't as the case may be, do you always feel it's necessary to call the person up and "clarify" whether or not you should have received an invite, and if everyone who lives in your house "should" have been on it, or did the person just forget to write a name down? That's crazy! Again, if it was my son and his bride, and they cherry-picked among neighbors with adult kids, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if the parent's questioned it and asked if it was a mistake that not all were included. No matter how friendly we were, there is no way i wouldn't take it as accusatory, and it would be a very awkward thing. Nobody is going to like being asked something like that, especially with including the whole, "It's totally OK if you didn't invite my older on, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget to"... That comes across as "I'm calling you out for being rude, but I'm doing it in a fake friendly way."

Right, bringing attention to the fact that you feel someone should be invited that wasn't is not going to come across well, no matter how you try to phrase it or "spin it."

I also think the number of errors truly being made on invitations is very few. I do believe that when people are confronted on why someone was not invited, some people choose to not hold their ground and it suddenly becomes an "accident" and they "forgot" to invite that person. That person suddenly becomes invited. I am not saying it NEVER happens, but I think it very, very rarely happens.