WWYD?

[lanejudy]

But I can't imagine leaving off one member (who happens to be the one with a disability) of a 4-member family

I agree it's odd to invite 3 out of 4 in a household. However, try to look at it from a different perspective. The neighbors may not even be thinking of your son's ASD/aspergers; they may simply be thinking of an adult son who is not as close to the bride as the younger brother. You and your spouse, as the long-time adult neighbors, are invited because of the longevity of your adult friendship with the bride's parents. To me it appears DS18 is invited because of his connections with the bride through dance and choreography. By contrast, DS21 has a minimal relationship with the neighbors (collecting mail for them) and what is probably considered as "just another kid in the neighborhood" relationship with the bride who is several years older. Again, I'm guessing the disability didn't come into play with the discussion of guest list cuts.

Sometimes those of us who live closely with a cognitive disability need to step back and look at situations from others' perspectives. While my DD's disability is first and foremost in my mind when planning events and activities for our family, I often find that even though many relatives, friends, neighbors who know of my child's diagnosis do not consider that factor. Ask yourself if it's reasonable that a 21-yr-old neighbor "kid" with a relatively minimal relationship to the bride should expect to be invited to a wedding. My guess is other adult children in the neighborhood are not necessarily included unless there is an additional connection to the bride or groom.

Now, I do agree that it puts you with a bit of a difficult decision to make. If DS21 is "curious" about weddings, maybe you have a videotape of your own wedding he could watch, and that might help him understand the event and decide he is not interested after all. You could have 3 of you attend and leave DS21 at home. Or you could all decline the (expected) invite. Or DS18 could go with 1 parent while the other parent plans something special with DS21 that day. Those are decisions to make within your own family, not ones for the bride/groom or their parents to worry about.

 

[sam_gordon]

To me it appears DS18 is invited because of his connections with the bride through dance and choreography.

That seems like a strange reason to invite someone. Unless the bride is inviting everyone in the dance class/musical theater group, I think that connection didn't really factor into the decision. I think it comes down to the LONG TERM relationship (carpooling together, watching performances, etc). Obviously the bride & family can invite who they want. I think it's in poor taste to invite 3/4 people in a household.

 

[SMD]

I agree it's odd to invite 3 out of 4 in a household. However, try to look at it from a different perspective. The neighbors may not even be thinking of your son's ASD/aspergers; they may simply be thinking of an adult son who is not as close to the bride as the younger brother. You and your spouse, as the long-time adult neighbors, are invited because of the longevity of your adult friendship with the bride's parents. To me it appears DS18 is invited because of his connections with the bride through dance and choreography. By contrast, DS21 has a minimal relationship with the neighbors (collecting mail for them) and what is probably considered as "just another kid in the neighborhood" relationship with the bride who is several years older. Again, I'm guessing the disability didn't come into play with the discussion of guest list cuts.

Sometimes those of us who live closely with a cognitive disability need to step back and look at situations from others' perspectives. While my DD's disability is first and foremost in my mind when planning events and activities for our family, I often find that even though many relatives, friends, neighbors who know of my child's diagnosis do not consider that factor. Ask yourself if it's reasonable that a 21-yr-old neighbor "kid" with a relatively minimal relationship to the bride should expect to be invited to a wedding. My guess is other adult children in the neighborhood are not necessarily included unless there is an additional connection to the bride or groom.

Now, I do agree that it puts you with a bit of a difficult decision to make. If DS21 is "curious" about weddings, maybe you have a videotape of your own wedding he could watch, and that might help him understand the event and decide he is not interested after all. You could have 3 of you attend and leave DS21 at home. Or you could all decline the (expected) invite. Or DS18 could go with 1 parent while the other parent plans something special with DS21 that day. Those are decisions to make within your own family, not ones for the bride/groom or their parents to worry about.

Here's an interesting question. How long is an adult child living at home part of the household? What if when the other daughter gets married, the younger son has graduated college and is living a few miles away, but the older son is 30, but still living at home? Should neighbors still treat him as part of the household for what? Christmas cards? Sure. Fourth of July BBQ? Maybe. Invitations to dinners out? Why? Can't they have dinner with their friends without including another adult who happens to live there? Weddings? Again, if you wouldn't invite an adult child who has moved out, why include one just because he hasn't just because he's in the household?

You also never know with a neighbor how much extended family they have or even if they are close friends if they have closer friends who live elsewhere. And with a wedding, there's 2 sides to consider for invites, they just can't include everyone. It's easy to say you'd invite them to your son's wedding or you'd include the parents and both daughters, but not everyone's situation is going to be the same when creating a guest list.

 

[kamik86]

Here's an interesting question. How long is an adult child living at home part of the household? What if when the other daughter gets married, the younger son has graduated college and is living a few miles away, but the older son is 30, but still living at home? Should neighbors still treat him as part of the household for what? Christmas cards? Sure. Fourth of July BBQ? Maybe. Invitations to dinners out? Why? Can't they have dinner with their friends without including another adult who happens to live there? Weddings? Again, if you wouldn't invite an adult child who has moved out, why include one just because he hasn't just because he's in the household?

You also never know with a neighbor how much extended family they have or even if they are close friends if they have closer friends who live elsewhere. And with a wedding, there's 2 sides to consider for invites, they just can't include everyone. It's easy to say you'd invite them to your son's wedding or you'd include the parents and both daughters, but not everyone's situation is going to be the same when creating a guest list.

If they even just did the parents this wouldnt' be as tacky in my eyes... its just the idea of inviting 3/4 people that live in a household. If a few years from now DS18 is gone and the other daughter is getting married and she only invites the parents that honestly wouldn't seem as odd. I didn't invite cousins to my wedding. One ended up there in the end (her father died a few weeks before the wedding and her mother asked if she could bring her she was the cousin I was closest to as a kid anyway so I was ok with it, most of the others I wouldn't have recognized if I ran into them at the grocery store)

 

[SMD]

If they even just did the parents this wouldnt' be as tacky in my eyes... its just the idea of inviting 3/4 people that live in a household. If a few years from now DS18 is gone and the other daughter is getting married and she only invites the parents that honestly wouldn't seem as odd. I didn't invite cousins to my wedding. One ended up there in the end (her father died a few weeks before the wedding and her mother asked if she could bring her she was the cousin I was closest to as a kid anyway so I was ok with it, most of the others I wouldn't have recognized if I ran into them at the grocery store)

According to the OP, the younger son has some sort of connection to the daughter that's getting married. To me, what's tacky is someone who is invited to a wedding feeling that they get to decide who else should be invited.

 

[Bluestars]

I would not say anything. It's possible that when the official invitations come out, your oldest son will be included. It's also possible he will not. You can decide what you want to do at that time.

I think a person getting married has every right to include or exclude whoever they want. However, I think it's very tacky to invite three out of four members of the same family living in the same home. I think it would have been better to invite just the parents or just the son who is closest to the bride. I would not attend a wedding where one of my adult kids living in the same home was excluded. I wouldn't let it affect my friendship by saying anything. I would simply decline the invitation.

 

[Minnesota!]

Meh, I would just ask. No accusations, no malice. If they say it's for 3, I would respond for 2. Parents night out.

 

[morgan98]

I would not say anything. It's possible that when the official invitations come out, your oldest son will be included. It's also possible he will not. You can decide what you want to do at that time.

I think a person getting married has every right to include or exclude whoever they want. However, I think it's very tacky to invite three out of four members of the same family living in the same home. I think it would have been better to invite just the parents or just the son who is closest to the bride. I would not attend a wedding where one of my adult kids living in the same home was excluded. I wouldn't let it affect my friendship by saying anything. I would simply decline the invitation.

I am not trying to be argumentative or anything, but here you say you would not attend a wedding where one of your adult kids living at home was excluded. In all cases, really? For example, I have some co-workers that I am close to whose weddings my husband and I have attended over the years. Granted, we do not have children, but I could not imagine why my co-worker would have to include my adult child on their wedding invitation list. I think it is very possible for parents and their kids to have separate circles of friends.

Does it work the other way around too? If your adult child who lives at home is invited to a wedding, do you as the parents expect an invitation if the adult child still lives at home?

 

[DisAuntie]

Very good points. As I told my kids when they were growing up when things weren't fair 'Sometimes it's not all about you.' It's unfortunate, but sometimes that's just how it is. The day is about the uniting of 2 families and 2 lives being changed for better or for worse forever.

Unfortunately, wedding planning is much more complicated than when dh and I married in 1990. We invited everyone with no thought of limits on who to invite. Sent out about 150 invites and had about 175 people there from all sides. However, it was held in a large church and reception was in an Elks club hall and both families prepared finger foods for the reception. Food ran out before dh and I ate and we had to go out to eat that night! Dh and I were very glad to have all who were there with us that day. But dh is still a little salty that we didn't get to eat at our own reception. I would prefer that not happen with ds.

A bride annd grooms wedding day is one of the few days in their lives it is all about them.

 

[sam_gordon]

According to the OP, the younger son has some sort of connection to the daughter that's getting married. To me, what's tacky is someone who is invited to a wedding feeling that they get to decide who else should be invited.

The connection (IMO) is very weak. She teaches a dance class he attends and choreographed a musical he's in. I don't think the OP is saying the older son needs to be invited, just that they want to make sure there wasn't a mistake.

 

[Bluestars]

I am not trying to be argumentative or anything, but here you say you would not attend a wedding where one of your adult kids living at home was excluded. In all cases, really? For example, I have some co-workers that I am close to whose weddings my husband and I have attended over the years. Granted, we do not have children, but I could not imagine why my co-worker would have to include my adult child on their wedding invitation list. I think it is very possible for parents and their kids to have separate circles of friends.

Does it work the other way around too? If your adult child who lives at home is invited to a wedding, do you as the parents expect an invitation if the adult child still lives at home?

Sorry my post was so confusing. I think it's fine to invite only a husband and wife to a wedding and exclude their kids. I think it is tacky to include only one of their two kids when they are both living in the same house. If they wanted to pick and choose, the bride should have invited just the person she was close to instead of breaking up the family unit on an invitation. That's just my opinion. I definitely don't think an entire family needs to be invited. It's the three out of four being invited that I think is tacky.

 

[Skywalker]

Sorry my post was so confusing. I think it's fine to invite only a husband and wife to a wedding and exclude their kids. I think it is tacky to include only one of their two kids when they are both living in the same house. If they wanted to pick and choose, the bride should have invited just the person she was close to instead of breaking up the family unit on an invitation. That's just my opinion. I definitely don't think an entire family needs to be invited. It's the three out of four being invited that I think is tacky.

Etiquette-wise only spouses are a social "unit". Geez since when did entire families have to be included in everything?

 

[jrmasm]

Regardless of what I might think of an invitation, I would never question it.

 

[SMD]

The connection (IMO) is very weak. She teaches a dance class he attends and choreographed a musical he's in. I don't think the OP is saying the older son needs to be invited, just that they want to make sure there wasn't a mistake.

The only opinion that matters is the opinion of the person who invited the younger son. It's their connection, people on the internet, or even the OP are not aware of their feelings on this. The OP did say she would be heart broken if she had to tell her older son he wasn't invited. Bringing up his connection to the family, collecting mail, did seem like an attempt to explain why he should have been invited too. I agree that she should ask after the holidays. But just ask if he will be invited, don't explain why she thinks he should be invited, it's not her place.

Meh, I would just ask. No accusations, no malice. If they say it's for 3, I would respond for 2. Parents night out.

Why can't an 18 year old adult decide if they want to go to a wedding to which they were invited, even if their adult sibling wasn't also invited?

 

[Bluestars]

Etiquette-wise only spouses are a social "unit". Geez since when did entire families have to be included in everything?

I guess you didn't see the part where I said that I didn't think it was tacky to invite just the parents, but thought it was tacky to invite an entire family, minus one member, who all live in the same house.

 

[sam_gordon]

I agree that she should ask after the holidays. But just ask if he will be invited, don't explain why she thinks he should be invited, it's not her place.

Agreed!

 

[Skywalker]

I guess you didn't see the part where I said that I didn't think it was tacky to invite just the parents, but thought it was tacky to invite an entire family, minus one member, who all live in the same house.

No I didn't miss it. I was disagreeing with you. Invitations should be based on people, not household address. But when you foot the bill for the party by all means you can do it however you want to. And I guarantee someone, somewhere will have their nose out of joint about not being on the guest list. But it doesn't make people tacky for not figuring out everyone's family tree and home address before issuing invites.

 

[kimblebee]

Nothing like a good wedding thread to bring out the 'tacky' excuse.

 

[Bluestars]

.

 

[MinnieMouse84]

If you ask at all, I think you should wait until you get the actual invitation.