Looking for Advice....

[ksjayhawks]

I would guess that the costs for insurance, property taxes, and maintenance for 19 years is more than the cost of the addition to the house.
What I would do is pay for the deposit on the senior apartment, pay the moving costs for the move to the apartment, and set up a small savings account for her--say $5000. Help her set up a budget so she knows where her money will go and how much "extra " money she will have each month.
You have had her with you for 19 years, start talking with her about the future, take her to visit the senior home. Is there a reason that your younger siblings can't step up and take care of her? It seems only fair that they should pitch in and do their part. You have taken care of her for 19 years, seems like it is their turn to take care of mom.

Also, this is a good example of why people should not make life-changing decisions in a hurry after the death of a family member. It needs to be well thought out, talked about, involve a lawyer if needed.

My mom lived with us for 7 years full time and during the winter months for 9 years before that. We were reaching a point where it was getting harder for her to be on her own but she fell and couldn't be on her own in our home anymore before we had started to talk with her about different living arrangements. (she was older, too, almost 89 when she went to the nursing home.)

 

[disykat]

Sorry, but your update seems to me to do nothing but try to make yourself seem like the good guy here. I would love to hear your moms side of the story.

I don't think there is a mom's side of the story right now. OP was just asking for advice before approaching her mom.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think there is a mom's side of the story right now. OP was just asking for advice before approaching her mom.

Unfortunately, this is true. I understand that the living arrangements may not have been the right ones for this family, but 19 years???? Really???? Who does this?

OP- you do what you want, but honestly it sounds to me like you and your DH have decided what YOU want, and without one bit of courtesy or discussion have also made a life changing decision for your mother. For the life of me, I cannot understand how an adult would behave so callously when you admit that all of you intended the arrangement was permanent. I dont care what this relationship is now, and it seems like it has always been contentious between you, (you might want to consider how your feelings have contributed to where you are now) I cannot understand how anyone can simply decide to blindside another human being this way. Your Mother????? I find it shameful.

The time to make this change was years ago. You can make it now, but it is clear you have decided not to involve her in any of the decision making, and after having been a part of your family, however begrudgingly it has been, she is kicked out because something better came up. No wonder you are not approaching her. A temper tantrum???? You are worried she will pitch a fit because YOU are changing her world without even asking her how she feels about it.

In my family we have a saying "You live what you learn" I learned how to treat people from my mother. WHen she was frail, my entire family returned her lessons. My mothers in law, both of them ( i kept my first husband's mother as my own MIL, even after my wonderful DH and I married, so I had two sets of inlaws and my poor DH had inlaws and "outlaws") were pretty difficult. DH mother was horrible, I took care of her, but I was the only one. SHe died with just me as a visitor and care advocate. DH had gone to court to get physical custody of her, and had to approve care but no one else gave a darn. She was treated by the rest of her family the way they learned from her. Now her grandsons are treating their own mother the way they were taught to treat their elders. I wonder what your golden years will be like for you.....will your own children decide that you are not worthy of consideration?

 

[Wishing on a star]

If there are any possible legal financial issues, then yes, the OP should seek some advice...
The DIS isn't going to get her the valid and important advice she needs.

Should the OP be obligated to live under the same roof as her mother, forever.
Certainly not, in any way shape form or fashion.
Ohhhhh, I am quite sure that this is what the mother wanted... That was her objective...
I am quite sure that this would be 'her side of the story'.
But that only makes me side with the OP even further.
IMHO, that is not a reasonable or appropriate expectation.
Not without extended discussion, legal and financial measures, etc... that are agreed upon by all parties.

If the mother wanted to make sure that the moneys invested in the house were covered, forever... Then she, along with the OP and DH, should have had a lien placed on the property.
That didn't happen.

OP, the issue that I see here is 'PRECEDENT'.
I am not a lawyer or legal person at all, but I understand that somebody actually residing in a residence for any length of time, in many states, gives them legal recourse...
Something like what is called 'Squatter's Rights'.
I don't think that anything could overided the presence of any legal paperwork, or absence of, other than that 'precedient'. That long term residency.

So, because of that, I will suggest that you seek some good legal counsel, right away!

Her long-term residency might be a huge legal factor, and you need to go into this with your eyes wide open, not with some kind of knee-jerk emotional actions.
So, again, this is my advice....
Do not take any major decisions too quickly, based on emotions...
That is what you did when you let her move into your home.
You do not want to make that mistake again.

To answer on a more personal level.... I would not feel any obligation here, at all... Other than to do everything that I could to make sure that she was set up in nice, independent, living arrangements.
You and your DH have every right to sell YOUR property and to live together independently.
No personal judgement call from people on a chat-board changes that.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

My opinion is that since you are changing the rules (terminating a living arrangement your mother assumed to be permanent that you never told her otherwise) and are not giving her time to save money, that yes, you owe her something financially.

 

[Nancyg56]

If there are any possible legal financial issues, then yes, the OP should seek some advice...
The DIS isn't going to get her the valid and important advice she needs.

Should the OP be obligated to live under the same roof as her mother, forever.
Certainly not, in any way shape form or fashion.
Ohhhhh, I am quite sure that this is what the mother wanted... That was her objective...
I am quite sure that this would be 'her side of the story'.
But that only makes me side with the OP even further.
IMHO, that is not a reasonable or appropriate expectation.
Not without extended discussion, legal and financial measures, etc... that are agreed upon by all parties.

If the mother wanted to make sure that the moneys invested in the house were covered, forever... Then she, along with the OP and DH, should have had a lien placed on the property.
That didn't happen.

OP, the issue that I see here is 'PRECEDENT'.
I am not a lawyer or legal person at all, but I understand that somebody actually residing in a residence for any length of time, in many states, gives them legal recourse...
Something like what is called 'Squatter's Rights'.
I don't think that anything could overided the presence of any legal paperwork, or absence of, other than that 'precedient'. That long term residency.

So, because of that, I will suggest that you seek some good legal counsel, right away!

Her long-term residency might be a huge legal factor, and you need to go into this with your eyes wide open, not with some kind of knee-jerk emotional actions.
So, again, this is my advice....
Do not take any major decisions too quickly, based on emotions...
That is what you did when you let her move into your home.
You do not want to make that mistake again.

To answer on a more personal level.... I would not feel any obligation here, at all... Other than to do everything that I could to make sure that she was set up in nice, independent, living arrangements.
You and your DH have every right to sell YOUR property and to live together independently.
No personal judgement call from people on a chat-board changes that.

You know what is sad about this post? The OP is more concerned about the legal aspects of the situation. I am appalled that any discussion about a parent who was welcomed, begrudgingly or not, into a home and who, together with her daughter and SIL built an apartment to reside in as part of a family, is now in a discussion that refers to "squatters rights."

I am not saying that teh OP is not entitled to make changes in her life, but I am shocked that she has not only chosen not to discuss this with a person whose life is directly impacted by her decision, but has justifIed that decision in order to avoid a "temper tantrum." To me, this is not about making changes, but making decisions that may be heartwrenching for a parent, without even offering the courtesy of a say in that decison. The mother's long term residency is more than a legal issue. It is how this kind of change can ultimately destroy the quality of life she was used to, and like it or not, this is key. Before I would send someone to an attorney, I would send them to the table to become an adult and Talk to her mother.

 

[drinkme]

My opinion is that since you are changing the rules (terminating a living arrangement your mother assumed to be permanent that you never told her otherwise) and are not giving her time to save money, that yes, you owe her something financially.

Also, did mom sell her house after your dad died & put that money into building the addition on your house? A persons home is usually what they use to finance their life when they can no longer care for themselves.

I'm guessing mom sold the house & gave most of the money to build onto your home. Mom probably doesn't have a large financial backup now. Do you know how much a nursing home costs? She may be able to live in a retirement community at 74 but what about in 10-15 years.

My family went through this same scenario years ago. After my dad died my mom sold their home & gave my brother the money to put towards their home. Mom lived there for almost 20 years. When brothers kids grew up & mom no longer was needed as occasional sitter, chauffeur, cook, etc they threw my mom out of house & the rest of us siblings scrambled to help out. It was always assumed that brother was going to keep mom in home until she needed to be hospitalized. We found out too late that we should have had a legal document signed beforehand to protect mom. Also, it was illegal that they threw her out. Us siblings are still upset over all this. It broke my mom's heart that her son did this. My mom died penniless & the rest of us siblings had to drain our savings to pay for moms end of life care.

 

[ronandannette]

My opinion is that since you are changing the rules (terminating a living arrangement your mother assumed to be permanent that you never told her otherwise) and are not giving her time to save money, that yes, you owe her something financially.

A few posts back the OP clarified that she was really only looking for input on the financial aspects, and more the moral obligations than anything legal. In isolation of any other issues, I completely agree with what you're saying here. In fairness, there has to be some attempt at allowing the Mother to make a viable transition, hopefully into a new situation of her own choosing. That will take some money, probably, and given some of the other information it would likely be "well-spent" if it gets everybody going off in the different directions OP wants.

 

[maxaroni]

My situation is different and do not have a "live in" parent. However, we are a 4 person family being my, DH, DS24 and my dad. DH & I moved to South Jersey (from North Jersey) due to a job relocation. When my parents retired at age 55, they moved near us and it was great as my DS was about to enter the world. I always said that I would never move away from my parents, meaning another state, until something happened to my parents. All of us being only children, I just couldn't. However, obviously if we needed to move due to business, that would be different. My mom was ill for 9 years before she passed away and can't imagine not being nearby. Yes, DH & I have our life to live, as does DS, but can't imagine pushing my mom or dad out, like this, without speaking to him/her and seeing how we can all have what we needed/wanted.

My supervisor lost her dad 2 years ago, her mom is in a 4 bedroom home and in her upper 70s. The plan now is to have her mom sell her house, supervisor and her DH & 2 kids sell their home (townhouse) to buy a larger home to incorporate all of them. This way they are near her as she ages, grandmom will still be able to help with the grandchildren etc.

Family is way too important to me. I have spoken to people that have had issues with their parents, or one of them, many of them state...at the end of the day, they are still their parents and whatever you do, you need to be able to live with yourself after they depart this world.

 

[Marchand63]

Ok-lot's to clarify. I did not include a lot of details to my original post because it was already lengthy and I wasn't really asking if I was making the right decision for my mom-but here goes. I did not have a good relationship with my mother growing up. Once I got married, moved out of the house and had children, we became much closer. My dad died suddenly at a young age. My husband and I had young children and hectic jobs. My siblings were younger, single and not at a point in their lives that they would interested in helping out with my mother. My husband and I decided that it would be easier to have my mother live with us then to have to help take care of another residence. I also thought that was what my dad would have wanted me to do. Once suggested to my mother, she jumped on it and we jumped through many hoops to be able to add the apartment on to our existing house. The apartment itself does not add value to the home since it is only approved for the time that my mother resides in it. It cannot be sold as a 2-family residence and the kitchen will most likely have to be dismantled. The reason it adds value to the home is due to the additional square footage. Anyway, it became apparent very quickly after she moved in with us that it was not a good situation-there were reasons we butt heads when I was growing up and they hadn't disappeared. My mom went from one dependent situation to another. She was demanding and difficult. I was young and did not set boundaries and had trouble standing up to a parent. That being said there was nothing that could be done at that point. She had paid for her living space and I was not going to put her out. I had accepted that it was a permanent situation. Through the years this has caused me much stress and anxiety. Your home should be your sanctuary. As mom got older she has become even more difficult. I have learned to limit my time with her for my own sanity. This has caused me much guilt and sadness. Guilt for feeling the way I do about my own mother and sadness that I do not have the relationship with my mom that I would like. Never the less, I have never let my feelings be shown to her. Every demand is met and she lives like a queen. My siblings each live within an hour, but my family and I take the brunt because she's with me. She has a better relationship with my siblings because it's pretty much long distance.

This arrangement was always intended to be permanent. I had accepted that many years ago. This was our forever home. When we bought this home, the area was fairly quiet, with little traffic, but still convenient to everything. That has changed in recent years. Commercial development came that included heavy traffic and crime. It is very possible that I will have a parking lot right outside my backyard in the very near future. So while it was never our intention to move, we have talked about selling the house on a few occasions in the past year thinking that it might be time to get out. Never to the point of being ready to take any action on it. The opportunity for this other house just came up and might not even come to fruition. The house could be modified to come up with a living space for my mother, but it would not be equivalent to what she has now. The location is a little more secluded with not much activity going on around-especially with my husband and I at work during the day. For this reason, and more, I thought my mother would actually be happier in a 55+ community as that's where she has probably belonged since the beginning. As I mentioned earlier, my mother has gotten more difficult to deal with in recent years and some of that may be due to depression from being alone so much. Now that the kids have grown, there is not a lot of activity around this house.

My mother does not drive much-maybe a 1 mile radius from our current home. The senior community is in the general vicinity and will allow her to get to the same places she does now and also be there when/if she gives up driving altogether. The suggestion that she move into the senior community was going to come up in the near future even if we weren't going to sell the home.

The reasons we haven't yet discussed this with her were two-fold. One because it was just a thought until recently and two because we don't have that kind of relationship. If she doesn't like what's being said-she throws a tantrum.

People asked about how much she helped out with kids, house, etc. My children were 4 and 7 when she moved in. She helped occasionally, but not as much as one would think.

She has been treated like a queen by my husband, my children and myself-and she would and does say that if asked. We have been right there with her through everything. I am extremely proud of the way my children and I have treated her and have nothing to be ashamed of. I have often been told that there is a special place in heaven for me. She is my mom and I love her. So I have to admit, I asked for opinions and I truly want them as I always feel that there are two sides to a story and sometimes your just two close to see it-but I know that I have done far and above to be called callous and greedy.

What I was asking opinions about was what I owed her for her original investment. I probably used the wrong terminology to say she lived for "free". What I was trying to say is that she had the benefit of home ownership without the responsibilities. She paid for the addition of her living space. She has not paid taxes, insurance and maintenance. This has allowed her to winter elsewhere and live a very comfortable, if not lavish, lifestyle. She was never asked to contribute and she never offered. We would not have taken anything, even if offered. There were times when this caused some resentment. Because her lifestyle, she never saved for the future and never anticipated having to pay to live somewhere else.

I know this a very long rambling-but hoping it will clear up some of the assumptions.

Sorry. It as seen many times here, clarification to make a stance a justification.

 

[Wishing on a star]

NOTE: I posted "IF there are any legal issues..." (key word 'IF')
And, there very well might be. I would be remiss if I did not point that out to the OP as I offer any thoughts or advice.
That does not mean that I feel that the ONLY issues are legal issues. Not at all... I ever said that.... not at all... Not even close.

Of course there are personal issues.... I had already addressed them very specifically.
But, if the OP believes that her mother may become angry, or be manipulative, and pursue any legal options. This is very very important.
I don't care if anyone wants to make assumptions and flame me and say that is 'SAD', Then, hey, what-ev-ahhhhh.
The legalities could become a very real possibility.

I am advising the OP to take a minute, step back, and to think this thru very carefully...
To NOT make any quick decisions and/or judgements based on the very obvious negative emotional factors here. Repeating the mistake that was made 19 years ago.
Any legalities would be a part of that careful and objective consideration.

I am not going to post any personal or moral judgement here. Not unless the OP is feeling enough anger and resentment to leave her mother in a bad place. Which does not seem to be the case, at all.

I think that the OP has not only the right, but the obligation, in the best interests of herself and her husband, to change a negative situation, and to have her own home, without her mother, who seems to be 'difficult', living under the same roof. I continue to support her in making changes. No apologies for that. And, I do not feel that there has to be any major 'justification' for that.

The OP seems to be ready to do what it takes to help her mother get set up in a new and hopefully positive place.
I am thinking that the costs associated with that, and then any ongoing costs to cover ongoing living expenses, etc. could end up being considerable.

 

[VandVsmama]

I've read all 4 pages, including OP's update. Here's what I think. Take my opinion for what it's worth...which is worth nothing really...just like the rest of our opinions here.

1. We are not you and we don't live your life. Don't take anybody else's guilt trips here personally.
2. You really shouldn't do something just because a pack of strangers on a message board on the Internet tells you to do something.
3. This decision is between you and your DH. The rest of us don't matter.
4. BUT you asked our opinions, so here goes...
5. Your DM moved in with you when she was 54?! 19 years ago. Almost 20 years of having an awfully nice set up, no responsibility in terms of home ownership & upkeep, paying property taxes, etc. And she didn't pay you rent.
6. Whatever she paid for helping put the addition on the house almost 20 years ago is something that in the business world one would consider a "sunk cost."
7. Your DM has no legal rights to get any money from you & DH when your house is sold...assuming that her name is not on the deed/title to the house.
8. And the addition, like you said, can't be used as a 2nd residence once the house is sold. The addition is only useful for adding to the square footage of the home.
9. I would also argue that unless the addition has an entrance/doorway directly into the main house, that the addition is going to end up making it a little difficult to sell unless somebody wants to use it as a workshop or craft room or something like that. In other words, it could end up to be more of a liability to selling it than a positive selling point.
10. So your DM is a drama queen. And manipulative. Someone who uses passive-aggressive tactics to get what she wants. And you've put up with that not even next door to you for 20 years...but basically outside your bedroom window.
11. What you have done basically is enabled your DM's behavior for almost 2 decades.
12. No set up or situation is meant to last forever. Circumstances change and you don't like how your neighborhood is changing. That's a really good reason to move. And your DM is 20 years older now. She's pretty isolated. And she'll be more isolated if she moves with you. Your DM needs a different living arrangement. I think that your idea of her being set up in a 55+ apartment sort of thing is a good idea.
13. BUT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO PAY FOR THAT! What about the rest of your siblings?
14. You & DH do have a right to want to live your own adult lives separate from your DM. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your DM needs to be living somewhere else.
15. You need to tell DM of your plans. You have no obligation to pay her any money. Any guilt you feel over it is basically your DM's years of training you to feel obligated to hand over your life to her and to serve her needs until she dies. That is not normal.

Whatever you end up doing, don't repeat the mistake you made almost 20 years ago....that was a decision made in the heat of the moment and it was a decision driven by strong emotions. You need to make a LOGICAL choice here. You've done for 20 years what your siblings were smart enough NOT to do...enable your DM.

When your DM moved in with you at age 54, how did she support herself? Did she never hold down a job? Has she really had someone else to be her knight in shining armor, taking care of everything for her, for her whole adult life?

Just because you stupidly decided to do that 20 years ago doesn't mean that you should continue to do it.

 

[VandVsmama]

1 more thought...

When you lay down the law with your DM, you need to make it very clear to her that she will not be moving in with you at your new home. Ever. If she wants to move in with 1 of her kids, let 1 of your other siblings take a turn. And if nobody will take in Cranky & Manipulative Grandma? Well, she'll have to find her own place to live.

As to other people's prior comments about your DM having paid most of her own utilities in her adjoined apartment for all of these years...big deal. ISN'T THAT WHAT AN ADULT IS SUPPOSED TO DO? Pay their bills?

 

[Marchand63]

I've read all 4 pages, including OP's update. Here's what I think. Take my opinion for what it's worth...which is worth nothing really...just like the rest of our opinions here.

1. We are not you and we don't live your life. Don't take anybody else's guilt trips here personally.
2. You really shouldn't do something just because a pack of strangers on a message board on the Internet tells you to do something.
3. This decision is between you and your DH. The rest of us don't matter.
4. BUT you asked our opinions, so here goes...
5. Your DM moved in with you when she was 54?! 19 years ago. Almost 20 years of having an awfully nice set up, no responsibility in terms of home ownership & upkeep, paying property taxes, etc. And she didn't pay you rent.
6. Whatever she paid for helping put the addition on the house almost 20 years ago is something that in the business world one would consider a "sunk cost."
7. Your DM has no legal rights to get any money from you & DH when your house is sold...assuming that her name is not on the deed/title to the house.
8. And the addition, like you said, can't be used as a 2nd residence once the house is sold. The addition is only useful for adding to the square footage of the home.
9. I would also argue that unless the addition has an entrance/doorway directly into the main house, that the addition is going to end up making it a little difficult to sell unless somebody wants to use it as a workshop or craft room or something like that. In other words, it could end up to be more of a liability to selling it than a positive selling point.
10. So your DM is a drama queen. And manipulative. Someone who uses passive-aggressive tactics to get what she wants. And you've put up with that not even next door to you for 20 years...but basically outside your bedroom window.
11. What you have done basically is enabled your DM's behavior for almost 2 decades.
12. No set up or situation is meant to last forever. Circumstances change and you don't like how your neighborhood is changing. That's a really good reason to move. And your DM is 20 years older now. She's pretty isolated. And she'll be more isolated if she moves with you. Your DM needs a different living arrangement. I think that your idea of her being set up in a 55+ apartment sort of thing is a good idea.
13. BUT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO PAY FOR THAT! What about the rest of your siblings?
14. You & DH do have a right to want to live your own adult lives separate from your DM. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your DM needs to be living somewhere else.
15. You need to tell DM of your plans. You have no obligation to pay her any money. Any guilt you feel over it is basically your DM's years of training you to feel obligated to hand over your life to her and to serve her needs until she dies. That is not normal.

Whatever you end up doing, don't repeat the mistake you made almost 20 years ago....that was a decision made in the heat of the moment and it was a decision driven by strong emotions. You need to make a LOGICAL choice here. You've done for 20 years what your siblings were smart enough NOT to do...enable your DM.

When your DM moved in with you at age 54, how did she support herself? Did she never hold down a job? Has she really had someone else to be her knight in shining armor, taking care of everything for her, for her whole adult life?

Just because you stupidly decided to do that 20 years ago doesn't mean that you should continue to do it.

You know you changed my mind. I think they should just put her DM, wait not DM just M, on an iceberg and push her to sea. She apparently has no value & deserves not even a conversation

 

[Shanti]

Sorry this is so long......

Looking for opinions and/or advice-My DM moved in with dh and I 19 years ago after the sudden passing of my DF. DM was 54 at the time and had never been on her own. DM paid for the addition of an in-law apartment on our home which included some additional living space for us as well. DH and I have taken care of all maintenance on the exterior of the house for the last 19 years-including DM’s apartment. Paid all of the taxes, homeowners insurance, repairs, water bills, etc.

Our children have now grown and left the nest. DH and I have been considering selling the house for a little while now. Our neighborhood has changed and we live near a busy thoroughfare. We were recently presented with an opportunity to purchase a home that we are in love with in a very quiet, off-the-beaten path, rural area. There will be no room for DM and I don’t think it would be a good move for her anyway-she’s 74 now. Doesn’t drive much and this would be very isolated for her.

Here’s my dilemma. DM will be very angry. The decision was made very quickly for her to move in with us after the death of DF. In hindsight, this was a bad decision that should not have been made so quickly at such a difficult time. DM went from a situation where she was very dependent on DF to where she is very dependent on myself and DH. She has always been very good at manipulating others to get her way. It is time for DH and I to be free to make decisions that are best for our future and while I feel comfortable with this decision, I also have a lot of guilt. There was never any discussion about the what ifs when she moved in. DM has made a lot of assumptions in her own mind that she would be with DH and I until the end. Because of this, she is not prepared neither mentally nor financially to live on her own. My plan is to move her into a 55+ apartment complex where she will be around people her age. This complex also provides regular transportation to the grocery store and other trips and activities. I think she will love it once she accepts it. The biggest problem is financial and this is the part that I’m really torn. We will be selling our home. DH does not feel that DM is entitled to any of the proceeds and I’m not sure. The apartment and additional living space has contributed to the current value of the home, however, DM has never contributed to the upkeep and taxes during the past 19 years and has essentially lived for free during this time with the exception of her utilities. She will be able to afford her rent for the new apartment, but it will drastically impact her standard of living-which will also make her very angry and resentful. I am willing to help her out with some expenses-but do I owe her more than that?? Any thoughts??

I recommend putting family first and keeping your mother with you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP... I will add one more thought.

Just for arguments sake.... Just for your consideration... Completely rhetorical...
If you were transfer to your mother the amount that would cover any costs of the renovations, how would that affect things...
Would it change her viewpoint and any anger or resentment that she might feel towards you? Would there be any emotional benefit?
Would it change the way you, personally, feel about the situation? Or would you harbor even more resentment.
Would it affect the finances that you have available to help her get settled and then help her with any additional living expenses, going forward.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When your DM moved in with you at age 54, how did she support herself? Did she never hold down a job? Has she really had someone else to be her knight in shining armor, taking care of everything for her, for her whole adult life?

Ok granted my grandmother is older than the OP's mom but it's still a similar-enough situation. My grandmother didn't have a DL for years and years because she never needed to and hated the thought of driving. Her husband (my grandfather) was in the marines and they moved around (though not too too crazy like some other families did). My grandmother was pregnant 10 times and had 5 live births out of that (technically she had 3 live children before her early to mid-20s by her first husband who passed away due to a heart condition, she met my grandfather and before they were married she was pregnant with my mom). She was too busy raising the children to have a job especially as her eldest had a cognitive disorder (though high functioning) and it was well quite frankly a different time back then. She only got a DL when it was appearant that my grandfather just couldn't be the only driver.

Now I know this is a bit different of course since there's like a 10 or so current age difference between the OP's mom and my grandmother but still. She lives in a senior living community that costs a pretty penny but that was only because my grandfather set up it so she would have money when he passed.

Nowadays I would feel differently if a 54 year old woman has such dependency but 19 years ago? Ehh maybe it wouldn't be so foreign as it seems now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You know you changed my mind. I think they should just put her DM, wait not DM just M, on an iceberg and push her to sea.

Wow.... just WOW....
What a cold, hard, dagger.
Is that even appropriate...

The kind of post / poster I do not want to give any consideration to on a chat-board.

 

[VandVsmama]

You know you changed my mind. I think they should just put her DM, wait not DM just M, on an iceberg and push her to sea. She apparently has no value & deserves not even a conversation

You and I will have to agree to disagree. But you don't have to be rude and passive aggressive about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That was not just rude, or passive aggressive.
That was cold, hard, and very very aggressive.
No question.