Ok-lot's to clarify. I did not include a lot of details to my original post because it was already lengthy and I wasn't really asking if I was making the right decision for my mom-but here goes. I did not have a good relationship with my mother growing up. Once I got married, moved out of the house and had children, we became much closer. My dad died suddenly at a young age. My husband and I had young children and hectic jobs. My siblings were younger, single and not at a point in their lives that they would interested in helping out with my mother. My husband and I decided that it would be easier to have my mother live with us then to have to help take care of another residence. I also thought that was what my dad would have wanted me to do. Once suggested to my mother, she jumped on it and we jumped through many hoops to be able to add the apartment on to our existing house. The apartment itself does not add value to the home since it is only approved for the time that my mother resides in it. It cannot be sold as a 2-family residence and the kitchen will most likely have to be dismantled. The reason it adds value to the home is due to the additional square footage. Anyway, it became apparent very quickly after she moved in with us that it was not a good situation-there were reasons we butt heads when I was growing up and they hadn't disappeared. My mom went from one dependent situation to another. She was demanding and difficult. I was young and did not set boundaries and had trouble standing up to a parent. That being said there was nothing that could be done at that point. She had paid for her living space and I was not going to put her out. I had accepted that it was a permanent situation. Through the years this has caused me much stress and anxiety. Your home should be your sanctuary. As mom got older she has become even more difficult. I have learned to limit my time with her for my own sanity. This has caused me much guilt and sadness. Guilt for feeling the way I do about my own mother and sadness that I do not have the relationship with my mom that I would like. Never the less, I have never let my feelings be shown to her. Every demand is met and she lives like a queen. My siblings each live within an hour, but my family and I take the brunt because she's with me. She has a better relationship with my siblings because it's pretty much long distance.
This arrangement was always intended to be permanent. I had accepted that many years ago. This was our forever home. When we bought this home, the area was fairly quiet, with little traffic, but still convenient to everything. That has changed in recent years. Commercial development came that included heavy traffic and crime. It is very possible that I will have a parking lot right outside my backyard in the very near future. So while it was never our intention to move, we have talked about selling the house on a few occasions in the past year thinking that it might be time to get out. Never to the point of being ready to take any action on it. The opportunity for this other house just came up and might not even come to fruition. The house could be modified to come up with a living space for my mother, but it would not be equivalent to what she has now. The location is a little more secluded with not much activity going on around-especially with my husband and I at work during the day. For this reason, and more, I thought my mother would actually be happier in a 55+ community as that's where she has probably belonged since the beginning. As I mentioned earlier, my mother has gotten more difficult to deal with in recent years and some of that may be due to depression from being alone so much. Now that the kids have grown, there is not a lot of activity around this house.
My mother does not drive much-maybe a 1 mile radius from our current home. The senior community is in the general vicinity and will allow her to get to the same places she does now and also be there when/if she gives up driving altogether. The suggestion that she move into the senior community was going to come up in the near future even if we weren't going to sell the home.
The reasons we haven't yet discussed this with her were two-fold. One because it was just a thought until recently and two because we don't have that kind of relationship. If she doesn't like what's being said-she throws a tantrum.
People asked about how much she helped out with kids, house, etc. My children were 4 and 7 when she moved in. She helped occasionally, but not as much as one would think.
She has been treated like a queen by my husband, my children and myself-and she would and does say that if asked. We have been right there with her through everything. I am extremely proud of the way my children and I have treated her and have nothing to be ashamed of. I have often been told that there is a special place in heaven for me. She is my mom and I love her. So I have to admit, I asked for opinions and I truly want them as I always feel that there are two sides to a story and sometimes your just two close to see it-but I know that I have done far and above to be called callous and greedy.
What I was asking opinions about was what I owed her for her original investment. I probably used the wrong terminology to say she lived for "free". What I was trying to say is that she had the benefit of home ownership without the responsibilities. She paid for the addition of her living space. She has not paid taxes, insurance and maintenance. This has allowed her to winter elsewhere and live a very comfortable, if not lavish, lifestyle. She was never asked to contribute and she never offered. We would not have taken anything, even if offered. There were times when this caused some resentment. Because her lifestyle, she never saved for the future and never anticipated having to pay to live somewhere else.
I know this a very long rambling-but hoping it will clear up some of the assumptions.
