OK, so then i am really not following all that well.
Best I can tell, some rumor is goign around about your DD's boyfriend and you talked to the boy friend about it, didn'T like his reaction (felt it meant he was lying so talked to him and your DD about it together? And now his mom is callign you and telling you things you know to be lies?
and somehow abuse is involved?
If you felt your daughter (or whoever the SO of A is) was at risk of being abused, or was being abused, I can see having a conversatin for sure---but if so I would go directly to the possible victim, and calmly explain what i had heard and make sure they knew that if they ever had an issue and needed my help they could turn to me.
Otherwise? If the rumors did not cuase me to believe my child was in true danger? I woudl stay OUT of the rumors and not create drama. I would say there are many types of trust (can this person be trusted to tell the truth? to keep a secret for me? to have my back? to treat me kindly? etc) and it can be as hurtful to have someone helping to stir up drama at my emoti9onal expense as it would be to have someone lie to me when out on the spot in the midst of such drama.
Oh Lordy, I am making a mess of this secret stuff.
Ok it is my daughter and her fiancé who she lives with. I was contacted by someone who never said he cheated but that the whole time they have been together, he has been trying to get back with his ex. That is the part I didn’t need an answer on.
We talked to them together. We never talked to him alone. He is mad that we didn’t just talk to dd. But funny enough, the last time we wanted to see dd alone to talk about school and what was going on at the time, he almost had a panic attack. Waited until they weren’t together and called and told her she needed to move home so he wouldn’t be blamed for messing up her education-which wasn’t even close to what we were wanting to talk to her about. Had her just about hysterical. When we have gone down to see her when he is working nights, he wants it to be that we meet him to go eat on his lunch hour.
His ex claims he was mentally abusive part of which was cutting her off from her friends and family. While dd has not been cut off from any of us, we have seen some behavior we questioned. And what the ex related seemed to fill in those answers. For instance, he had to work Christmas Eve. She was coming to her grandmother’s. He got mad because she was leaving an hour before he went to work to get there. She left crying because he made her feel guilty. Other times he has made her feel like she couldn’t spend the gas money to come see us. We agree to put gas in her car and he backs off.
Since we basically have to go to her, it would have been impossible to see her without him.
We really don’t care if he was talking to his ex. That is for dd to decide if she trusts him or if it is true.
And both of them said immediately that they knew this was being claimed( that he was talking to his ex) Ok, no problem. Everything is good. And then he wanted to know why we believed the person telling me over him. I told him we didn’t. But some other things that were said had us concerned and we felt it necessary to talk to them. That is when he went out and called his mom, cane back in and went to the bedroom and wouldn’t come out. I never had a chance to say anything else.
We do care if he is abusive in any way.
I did talk to Dd alone about it the next day.
Just a few months ago we really liked this guy. Thought he was great for dd. Truly felt this relationship was great. And then other stuff started going on. She had a friend that both she and ds were very close to. Well the fiancé decided he doesn’t like the friend for one reason or another and they are no longer friends. We haven’t said anything one way or the other about it. Ds has questioned it as he is still friends with the guy but I told him he had to ask dd.
Now the fiancé has decided he doesn’t like Ds. But when asked why, he doesn’t actually have an answer. I think the last one that was given was he is disrespectful. How? “It’s not worth explaing”. ????? So far dd’s answer has been “well he is my brother so get over it”.
The problem with not dealing with this,imo, is it’s not going away. This proof has been offered to several people, ds included. Dd and her bf, do not have anything to do with the people who have this “proof” but they do hang out with and are friends with a lot of the same people. (His decision that he doesn’t like ds seems to coincide with finding out ds has been offered the proof although Ds has not seen it and said specifically he didn’t want to see it).
And according to dd, his mom is going to handle it by getting revenge and hurting them like they hurt her son. Ok, not something I want dd to be a part of.
I spent part of yesterday with both of them. He doesn’t act mad in any way but keeps making jokes about cheating. And making cracks toward ds. But I have been told that none of this can be discussed as it will cause a panic attack.
Part of our issue with dealing with this is we have sort of been down this road before. When ds married the first time we had some strong suspicions about the girl. We actually saw her with some guys when ds was out of town one night. Ds would not see it or hear it. They got married. 5 years later, his whole word got torn out from under him.
The decision is whether to sign for her to get married. She can’t marry in this state until she is 21. That will put the wedding off another year which is what we have decided to do.