Leaving a teen behind.....Update pg 12, we are back!

[PollyannaMom]

...Is that even legal?

I hope so!! I was away at college at 17.

I firmly believe that the new trend of treating kids like babies until they are 18, and then all of a sudden considering them adults, doesn't make sense. It's far more logical to to gradually give kids a little more freedom at a time as they grow.

That said...

...it sounds like you don't fully trust him. If you're having any doubts, I wouldn't do it.

You say you think he might skip school and/or throw a party. Why leave him open to this temptation?

It doesn't sound like this particular kid is ready for this particular step. I would have a trusted adult randomly stop by to check on him, and I would let him know to expect it.

 

[ronandannette]

Sure it is, lol! I had my own apartment and was living on my own with my boyfriend now DH at 17.

Yeah, but the difference between that (and also the kids that are off at University at that age) and leaving your DS home alone is that you are still 100% responsible for his actions. Not so when they're off on their own. We're struggling to find the right balance of this with our "un-launched" 20 y.o. right now who really isn't much more independent or mature than he was as an adolescent. Of course leaving him alone when we go away is no longer an concern, but there are other thorny issues involved that we wouldn't even bother to think about if he lived elsewhere.

 

[mom2rtk]

He doesn't have to drive, he can take the school bus to school but he does have a vehicle and can drive if he wants/needs to. I do have concerns about school attendance but that is an issue with him all the time not just because we will be out of town. The girlfriend isn't a concern, I don't mind he she comes over or even if she stays the whole week. She always here anyways.

Got it. That certainly helps. I would still be nervous about leaving a new-ish driver home at all. If I did it, I would probably ask that he only drive in the event of an emergency (without a close family member reliably close by in the event of car issues).

 

[TCRAIG]

I am sure he could stay there, he does stay there often on weekends anyways. However if he is staying home I would want him to stay with our dog. He missed school anyways whether I'm here or not. Yes I know he will miss some school even though I will tell him he must not, he won't get up on time everyday I know that. I don't anticipate him missing the entire week though. While it is possible he could through a party, I doubt he would. He asked if he could have another friend over andbi said no, he could go against that though, you never know for sure. He usually just hangs out with his girlfriend most of the time anyways so hopefully they will just do that.

As far as concerns about sex, I already know it's happening, they are 17. She sleeps here all the time and he stays at her house, obviously her parents know too since they allow this. Honestly I don't care about that, it is the least of my concerns.

Why not have him stay at the GF's house?

 

[PollyannaMom]

One other thing - does the teen in question have any experience staying home alone for shorter periods of time? That's a big factor in comfort level as well!

 

[mombrontrent]

Why not have him stay at the GF's house?

Because we have a dog that I want him to stay home with. When we have traveled before I have left her at my inlaws but they live over 2 hours away and it's not an ideal situation as they have other dogs that are not very friendly with her. My dog has never stayed anywhere else and I would prefer that he stays here with the dog rather then stay at her house. I trust him completely with the dog, he would definitely make sure she was cared for.

Plus he can't take the bus to school from her house. She goes to a different school and takes another bus. He would have to drive from her house to school and back each day and she lives in a rural area that might might be ideal to driving in bad weather. We live in town with better snow removal and driving conditions.

 

[mombrontrent]

One other thing - does the teen in question have any experience staying home alone for shorter periods of time? That's a big factor in comfort level as well!

Only for a night or so. He is quite capable. He is 17 and knows how to cook, do laundry and all the basic stuff. He can drive and I'm not worried about him taking care of himself, the dog or any house issues that may arise. We will be available by text any time.

 

[Jhaberlein]

It sounds like you've decided you're ok with it, but I'll offer another suggestion.

Bring him and offer to bring his girlfriend as well. If she declines but he still goes, let him do his own thing without doing the parks/ADRs with the rest of you.

Assume he won't go to class (at all), assume he will have at least a few friends over, and assume someone will bring alcohol into the house. If you leave knowing these things will happen and you're ok with it, you'll be less stressed out while gone. If you aren't ok with any one of these thing happening you'll be thinking about it during the trip.

For me, not worth it to think about it during vacation so I'd be bringing him and his GF and letting them do their own thing.

 

[Bluestars]

Given what you have said about your son, I would have never planned a vacation during the school year. The only way I would ever feel comfortable leaving him home is if I knew a responsible adult who would stay at the house the entire week.

 

[mombrontrent]

It sounds like you've decided you're ok with it, but I'll offer another suggestion.

Bring him and offer to bring his girlfriend as well. If she declines but he still goes, let him do his own thing without doing the parks/ADRs with the rest of you.

Assume he won't go to class (at all), assume he will have at least a few friends over, and assume someone will bring alcohol into the house. If you leave knowing these things will happen and you're ok with it, you'll be less stressed out while gone. If you aren't ok with any one of these thing happening you'll be thinking about it during the trip.

For me, not worth it to think about it during vacation so I'd be bringing him and his GF and letting them do their own thing.

I actually suggested this to DH but then I would have to bring Dd14 boyfriend as well. She begged to bring him. But then a budget 4 person vacation turns into an expensive 7 person vacation. Plane tickets, park tickets, accommodations and a van rental instead of a car plus food for 3 extra teens really adds up. My DH was adamantly against it. He wanted to spend time with just our family and knew the kids wouldn't be interested in spending time with the family if they had guests along. We are going to take a shorter road trip in the summer and let the older two bring their girlfriend/boyfriend along then.

 

[handinpocket]

I am sure he could stay there, he does stay there often on weekends anyways. However if he is staying home I would want him to stay with our dog. He missed school anyways whether I'm here or not. Yes I know he will miss some school even though I will tell him he must not, he won't get up on time everyday I know that. I don't anticipate him missing the entire week though. While it is possible he could through a party, I doubt he would. He asked if he could have another friend over andbi said no, he could go against that though, you never know for sure. He usually just hangs out with his girlfriend most of the time anyways so hopefully they will just do that.

As far as concerns about sex, I already know it's happening, they are 17. She sleeps here all the time and he stays at her house, obviously her parents know too since they allow this. Honestly I don't care about that, it is the least of my concerns.

Wow......

 

[littlejimmy]

I am sure he could stay there, he does stay there often on weekends anyways. However if he is staying home I would want him to stay with our dog. He missed school anyways whether I'm here or not. Yes I know he will miss some school even though I will tell him he must not, he won't get up on time everyday I know that. I don't anticipate him missing the entire week though. While it is possible he could through a party, I doubt he would. He asked if he could have another friend over andbi said no, he could go against that though, you never know for sure. He usually just hangs out with his girlfriend most of the time anyways so hopefully they will just do that.

As far as concerns about sex, I already know it's happening, they are 17. She sleeps here all the time and he stays at her house, obviously her parents know too since they allow this. Honestly I don't care about that, it is the least of my concerns.

hahaha! all the perfect parents on the dis are going to fry you over this last part, because don't you know the parents over here don't have kids that have premarital sex or...they most likely pretend they don't...and are fine with don't ask, don't tell.

 

[Southernmiss]

I wouldn't do it. Tried twice. 2 different very responsible sons totaled their cars when we left them at home for a weekend. Stuff happens.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Based on the information you've given, I wouldn't do it. You already know he's not responsible enough to be trusted to get himself to school--why do you think this situation would be different? I'm also scratching my head at planning a school-time vacation and planning to leave this kid home (while, presumably, your other children are missing school)--summer would offer no school issues and safer driving conditions.

Is there are trusted adult who could stay over with him? He doesn't need to be babysat, really, just someone to make sure he gets to school, doesn't drive in bad weather, doesn't host a few dozen of his closest friends, etc.

As an aside, we did leave our 19yo son home for a week this past summer. He doesn't drive, though, and is very introverted, so friends weren't an issue. He was very proud of himself for getting to Walmart to buy cat food and batteries. He took a summer class, but we've never, ever had issues with him attending school. I stocked the fridge, freezer, and pantry, and we live walking distance to 2 grocery stores and a number of other businesses (Domino's, CVS, Family Dollar, etc.) even though I left him money, he chose not to get take-out. So clearly, I'm not opposed to letting an older teen manage on their own. BUT--my son is different from yours. Partying, driving, and missing class simply weren't issues.

 

[mombrontrent]

Wow......

hahaha! all the perfect parents on the dis are going to fry you over this last part, because don't you know the parents over here don't have kids that have premarital sex or...they most likely pretend they don't...and are fine with don't ask, don't tell.

I don't care if other people don't agree with this. I'm not naive and if he has a serious girlfriend and they are practicing safe sex I'm not overly concerned. I rather my kids be honest instead of trying to hide things and sneak around. I have a very good grasp on what goes on in my teens lives because we have open communication. I'm sure most people here would also be appalled that my Dd14 and her boyfriend sleep at each other's houses all the time. They have been dating almost a year and we allowed sleepovers after about 6 months. He slept here last night (spare bedroom) and she's sleeping there tonight. They even have sleep overs on school nights sometimes.

 

[tvguy]

When I was 17, my similarly aged friends and I used to drive the 400 miles (each way) to Disneyland without an adult and spend a couple of days. So I guess I would be a hypocrite if I thought a 17 year old couldn't stay home alone while the rest of the family went to Disney. I also need to point out, that after my dad passed away, and my mom was working the graveyard shift and I was home alone (with a burglar alarm on the house) starting at age 14 every night during the week. I think the individual child is more important than the age. Now, my neighbors went away for one night and their 22 year old daughter invited a few friends over....and without her knowledge the party got out on social media and 20 people that NOBODY knew showed up including a guy who did $15,000 damage to the new hardwood floors with his skateboard. So age may not be a factor.

I would also be a hypocrite if I didn't mention that in our family, taking kids out of school for a vacation would be the deciding factor, not leaving them alone. Missing school was just not something we felt was right for our kids. We felt so strongly about that that they didn't even miss a minute for school for Doctors, Dentists or Orthodontist appointments. But given how many weeks they are out of school, how many minimum days they have, and how many non-instruction days that are built into the school schedule, that really didn't take any effort.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

My parents left me home alone and went out of the country for a week when I was 17.

That being said, I was nothing like how your DS sounds to be. My parents would never have considered me throwing a party in their absence - I was not that kind of kid. And not attend a class? Are you kidding? I'm all about parents trusting their kids to act adults, but it kind of sounds like you don't trust him to be an adult yet.

 

[Saimaeve]

I fully plan on leaving my daughter home alone at that age for short periods of time. (I was also living on my own by that age)

We can't coddle kids. It doesn't serve any purpose. If they are being guarded 100% of the time until their 18th birthday, they're not going to know how to handle sticky or potentially dangerous situations.

There are consequences to his actions. If he has a party, let him know that he will be required to pay a $500 cleaning fee. If anything breaks, he's responsible for it.

Do you have security cameras? That would let you know what is going on.

Missing school? Again, his responsibility. Tell him if he wants to earn trust and reassure you he is taking his life decisions seriously he will attend. You can check with the schools (Ours calls if a child doesn't show up to see if they're okay) and if he isn't there. Call his butt and tell him he has 45 minutes to report to school.

The sex part? Kudos to you for not burying your head in the sand and preparing your child in that aspect. More parents should.

The driving part? I would ask him to limit his driving in inclement weather. But if he was to have an accident, make sure you have trip insurance for the return flight. But I don't see it actually happening.

 

[aejammers]

I'm going to go against everyone else. He will be fine. It sounds like the girlfriend's parents would be a back-up if some emergency comes up. He has the means to get food. He may or may not go to school, but it sounds like he may or may not go to school if you are home anyway. I would just make sure he knows how to get to the doctor in case he needs to, and to the vet in case something happens with the dog.

I was 17 back in the dark ages of the mid-80s, and my parents left me home a few times with my 15 year old DB and the dog. We all survived, and I even had friends over. At some point you have to trust your kids to do the right thing, accept the consequences of their actions, and learn some independence. As long as you don't think he will burn the house down, and that the dog will be taken care of, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

 

[anniemae]

Given your scenario, there is no way I would leave him alone for a week in the winter while we were out of the country. If you were only an hour or two away? Probably. But in your scenario, I would not enjoy myself. Sounds like he is not the most responsible teen if he has trouble getting to school and you are concerned he may go against your wishes and throw a party. Add to it the driving concerns and it would be a "no" for me.

Is there a relative who would consider traveling to your house and could stay with him for the week?