Death of relationships.

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't actually know anyone IRL that's gotten married that young! I wish her luck though. It's amazing to me when I hear stories of people getting married so young! At 19, I was getting my degree, working on LSAT/GRE prep, partying, politics,and men. I definitely wasn't very serious about much of anything.

My MIL and one grandmother were married at 19. My 52-year-old cousin was married at 18 and a mom just over a year later. My dad was 20 (mom 22) when he married. Most I know were much later. My other grandmother was 26, practically an "old maid" in her day (Grandpa was 39!).

 

[amberpi]

I got married at 23, and there are certainly some upsides with getting married young, and some huge downsides. I was the only person in my friend group to be married for MANY years. I was just finishing up my graduate degree, and had to go back to the lab Tuesday afternoon after getting married that Sunday.

We have been married 9 years now and have grown so much in that time, I can certainly see how some people who get married young could grow apart in that time. DH and I have very different interests and personalities, but have very similar backgrounds and core values, and I think that helps us to stay grounded with one another. I am very thankful that we are mostly on the same page regarding the 'big things', we have made a couple large moves for each of our jobs, so I know how incredibly lucky I am to have a partner who is willing to uproot his life and career when a great opportunity for my career has come up, and vice versa, as many of our family and friends are pretty stuck to staying in a particular area, and that wouldn't work for either of us.

I was totally that person who fell in love at first sight. I knew he was intelligent from what I heard about him from his fraternity brothers, but the minute I saw him I told my roommate that I was going to marry him, alcohol may have been involved .

I got married at 23, I had my grad degree, a great job and a great guy (he's still a dear friend); I knew nothing about the world! I was FAR too young (for me), and the first person to get married among my friends. Most of my friends got married around the time I got married the second time! Lol! That guy was not love at first site, but by the end of the date, it was. Too bad that the man I fell for wasn't the real him.

 

[amberpi]

My MIL and one grandmother were married at 19. My 52-year-old cousin was married at 18 and a mom just over a year later. My dad was 20 (mom 22) when he married. Most I know were much later. My other grandmother was 26, practically an "old maid" in her day (Grandpa was 39!).

I know it happens, I got married young (see above, and that didn't work out, largely because it was too young for me); I just don't personally know anyone who got married before finishing college/trade school.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I got married at 23, and there are certainly some upsides with getting married young, and some huge downsides. I was the only person in my friend group to be married for MANY years. I was just finishing up my graduate degree, and had to go back to the lab Tuesday afternoon after getting married that Sunday.

We have been married 9 years now and have grown so much in that time, I can certainly see how some people who get married young could grow apart in that time. DH and I have very different interests and personalities, but have very similar backgrounds and core values, and I think that helps us to stay grounded with one another. I am very thankful that we are mostly on the same page regarding the 'big things', we have made a couple large moves for each of our jobs, so I know how incredibly lucky I am to have a partner who is willing to uproot his life and career when a great opportunity for my career has come up, and vice versa, as many of our family and friends are pretty stuck to staying in a particular area, and that wouldn't work for either of us.

I was totally that person who fell in love at first sight. I knew he was intelligent from what I heard about him from his fraternity brothers, but the minute I saw him I told my roommate that I was going to marry him, alcohol may have been involved .

23 was pretty much when ALL my friends got married, and for a long time I was the lone single guy. I basically had to develop a whole new set of friends LOL. I graduated HS in 1985, and rented SIX tuxes in 1990. Took my (now) wife on a date to one friend's SECOND wedding.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I know it happens, I got married young (see above, and that didn't work out, largely because it was too young for me); I just don't personally know anyone who got married before finishing college/trade school.

Both my parents, as well as my sister/BIL married while in college. In both cases, they were so very, very broke LOL. My cousin & the grandmother who married young did not go to college. My MIL finished her bachelor's in her 40's, master's shortly after.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't actually know anyone IRL that's gotten married that young! I wish her luck though. It's amazing to me when I hear stories of people getting married so young! At 19, I was getting my degree, working on LSAT/GRE prep, partying, politics,and men. I definitely wasn't very serious about much of anything.

She will have the only degree she needs for her chosen career and any needed certifications and her internship out of the way by wedding time. She has been very selective about guys and knowing who and what she wants. She is a LOT more mature than I was at that age.

But I can't say I don't have concerns.

 

[amberpi]

She will have the only degree she needs for her chosen career and any needed certifications and her internship out of the way by wedding time. She has been very selective about guys and knowing who and what she wants. She is a LOT more mature than I was at that age.

But I can't say I don't have concerns.

I think it's neat when I hear that people "just knew" at a young age; but again, me at that age (I did have the college thing firmly under control) - no way. Parties, boys, clothes, and politics were all I thought about other than school work. I've had terrible luck in love, it'd only have been worse if I had settled down earlier!

 

[luvsJack]

I think it's neat when I hear that people "just knew" at a young age; but again, me at that age (I did have the college thing firmly under control) - no way. Parties, boys, clothes, and politics were all I thought about other than school work. I've had terrible luck in love, it'd only have been worse if I had settled down earlier!

Yeah I married the first time young. He was 6 years older. And to be honest I didn't go into with the same commitment they seem to have. I though divorce would be easy enough. ( boy was I wrong!)

My oldest married young. He had the commitment but she didn't. We kinda knew it but nothing would deter him. She was one of those girls that honestly wanted out of her parents house and saw DS as that way out.

For some it definitely works. But I think it's good to know what you are ready for.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

I have friends in their late 20s and 30s who want to be married. Most of the men do not want to settle down. I don't know if relationships are on decline. What I do know is that less men want to settle down in their 20s and sometimes 30s.

A (completely unscientific) survey of my (successful, single) college friends in their 30s and 40s (men and women) tells me that most of them don't want to be saddled with children. And since most of them are mature enough to discuss this with potential partners well before it gets serious, they stay single by choice. Because really, if you don't want kids, and your potential partner does... the relationship is simply not going to work. Children are not something you can compromise on.

 

[Colleen27]

Are the men deliberately scewing up, or merely handling the chore "their way" which their wives view as doing it "wrong"?

Maybe that is the case for some, but deliberately screwing up chores is something a lot of the men I know joke-brag about. Our neighbor was telling us the other day that all he had to do was bleach one load of brights and put Dawn in the dishwasher and his wife never let him do laundry or dishes again. DS responded by telling him he tried the "trick" the neighbor (who he works for) suggested with running the dishwasher with a tiny load of poorly arranged, spread out dishes. He was hoping to annoy me into not having him do it, and all it got him was a "really boring" lesson on how to load the dishwasher.

I know it happens, I got married young (see above, and that didn't work out, largely because it was too young for me); I just don't personally know anyone who got married before finishing college/trade school.

I married at 22, but I went to a two-year tech program straight out of high school and finished it in 18mo so I was also in my first adult/professional job at 19. And I'd been out on my own since 17.

A (completely unscientific) survey of my (successful, single) college friends in their 30s and 40s (men and women) tells me that most of them don't want to be saddled with children. And since most of them are mature enough to discuss this with potential partners well before it gets serious, they stay single by choice. Because really, if you don't want kids, and your potential partner does... the relationship is simply not going to work. Children are not something you can compromise on.

That's interesting. I never thought about it but it fits... Virtually all of my childless-by-choice friends of both genders are single. And I suppose it makes sense that not wanting children probably does make it harder to find a compatible partner, because in the 20s and 30s a lot of potential partners either want kids or are undecided and want to keep the option open, and when they get older a lot of people on the dating scene are divorcees who already have kids.

 

[jevs]

That's interesting. I never thought about it but it fits... Virtually all of my childless-by-choice friends of both genders are single. And I suppose it makes sense that not wanting children probably does make it harder to find a compatible partner, because in the 20s and 30s a lot of potential partners either want kids or are undecided and want to keep the option open, and when they get older a lot of people on the dating scene are divorcees who already have kids.

I had a friend (acquaintance) a number of years back who refused to entertain the idea of dating someone with kids. But they had kids of their own. The eye rolling was strong with that person

As for men deliberately stuffing up chores to get out of doing them, we women wised up to that centuries ago I actually tried it on as a teenager with my mother once, it didn’t end well.

 

[Colleen27]

I had a friend (acquaintance) a number of years back who refused to entertain the idea of dating someone with kids. But they had kids of their own. The eye rolling was strong with that person

I'll be honest - I was that person. I had DS before meeting my husband but I wouldn't date a man who had kids unless his situation was atypical. I just wasn't interested in my life being at the mercy of a woman I didn't know, and that's the reality for too many of the non-custodial parents I know - having plans, vacations, holidays disrupted at the last minute when the mother decides what they'd agreed upon in advance doesn't suit her after all, getting no say in decisions about the child's schooling or activities but being expected to fund and facilitate them, etc. With my son, I have sole legal and physical custody; even my ex's visitation schedule was at my discretion. We were always civil and worked things out for DS to be there as often as was agreeable to both ex and DS, but I knew that if I made plans he couldn't force me to change them. And I would (and briefly did) date a man with kids who was in a similar situation, but I wasn't interested in being on the other end of things.

I have a friend who has been dealing with this for 6 years and I don't know how she does it - last summer's family cruise, planned a over year in advance at the peak of summer to accommodate her step-son's schedule, turned into just her & her hubby less than two weeks before they sailed because the mother got cold feet about the kid leaving the country (and believe me, this couple would NOT have chosen DCL in July for a romantic getaway!). Many of their weekends are spent in the car because the mom moved an hour away and thinks nothing of signing the boy up for activities that are scheduled on his dad's weekends, and often wants to swap weekends around at the last minute to accommodate sleepover requests and such so they often don't know until Thurs if they need childcare for weekend work shifts or if they can plan an evening out. Christmas has been a mess ever since the mother remarried to a man who also has children from a previous relationship, because my friend's Christmas plans are dictated by when the mother will let them have her step-son which is determined by when mom's new husband has his children because they want all the kids to be there at the same time. And the latest is that the mother is considering moving step-son to a private school and wants my friend/her husband to pay half the cost, though they have no real say in the decision. It would all GREATLY exceed my chaos threshold.

 

[yoopermom]

DS23 and his DGF23 started dating six years ago, went eight hours away to the same college, and just moved in together this past summer. They both dated other people from ages 14-16, so feel as though they've "been there, done that". They are both VERY traditional (although not religious, per se), and are planning on an engagement soon, and, will get married shortly after that, by their own choice. They do tend to find themselves an island among the singles. Each has many single friends, but they really don't have another couple to do things with that are at the same place in their life as they are. I definitely think they are outside the norm, but I'm thrilled by it . DH and I followed a similar trajectory in the 1980's, and have now been married over a quarter century. All of DS's grandparents have been in very long marriages, too.

I know it's not for everyone, but I'm happy DS found his someone. None of his friends are even dating seriously, so he'll have lots of choices for groomsmen .

Terri

 

[yoopermom]

I have a friend who has been dealing with this for 6 years and I don't know how she does it - last summer's family cruise, planned a over year in advance at the peak of summer to accommodate her step-son's schedule, turned into just her & her hubby less than two weeks before they sailed because the mother got cold feet about the kid leaving the country (and believe me, this couple would NOT have chosen DCL in July for a romantic getaway!). Many of their weekends are spent in the car because the mom moved an hour away and thinks nothing of signing the boy up for activities that are scheduled on his dad's weekends, and often wants to swap weekends around at the last minute to accommodate sleepover requests and such so they often don't know until Thurs if they need childcare for weekend work shifts or if they can plan an evening out. Christmas has been a mess ever since the mother remarried to a man who also has children from a previous relationship, because my friend's Christmas plans are dictated by when the mother will let them have her step-son which is determined by when mom's new husband has his children because they want all the kids to be there at the same time. And the latest is that the mother is considering moving step-son to a private school and wants my friend/her husband to pay half the cost, though they have no real say in the decision. It would all GREATLY exceed my chaos threshold.

My cousin is in a similar boat, her EX is marrying the woman he cheated on my cousin with, they both have multiple kids, and they think NOTHING of changing schedules constantly. My cousin is basically not going to date seriously until her youngest is up and out, because she feels it's unfair to a future boyfriend to have their lives revolve around the ex's whims. (And her two teenage sons, devastated by the divorce, both swear they are NEVER going to marry, so there's more for the statistics...)

Terri

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thankfully not all young people live like this or hold to these values. Some of our kids want the traditional marriage and kids and monogamy and companionship.

Well it's not young people exclusively here.

But as time goes on society also evolves. My best friend was in an open relationship with a guy for several years. Not my thing at all but I respected that for her that can work.

Population-wise we cannot survive if everyone had children. Not having children is not a stigma either; well at least it shouldn't be. The best friend mentioned above doesn't want marriage, doesn't want children and doesn't want a house. I respect her feelings on the matter.

Because it is what I value greatly. I believe it is the best and I am not going to make apologies for it.

Yes there are times for divorce (abuse, etc...) but ideally commitment means to love and cherish until death do you part.

While I agree that people do divorce at times at the drop of the hat other times it's a decision that took a long time to make. I'm a person who believes in staying married but I'm also a person who is understanding that sometimes it just doesn't work.

It was quite a long time before I found out my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom (he wasn't that great either to myself nor my sister in later years). My husband's parents wasn't an abusive relationship but if you met them it's pretty easy to see that they are not good together--separately yes but together no. They actually had a much more amicable divorce than my parents did.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's not a generational thing but I do think some things in our society have changed or adjusted. Some for good and some for bad.

My mom is 59...she's been on many dating sites including the $$$$ paid ones and the guys that tend to be interested in her are not interested in actual long term relationships. She's dated people her own age, a few years older and a few years younger. Most are interested in how quick they can move from talking to...you know lol. She told me just the other day a guy asked what she was doing and she said "watching tv" and he skipped right into inappropriate talk. She told him bye bye.

She had an ex who is in his 60s that was a real serious relationship back in the day.until he cheated on her and just left. 10 years later he resurfaces but not as a romantic relationship. Anyways he just got married to a woman who he cheated on (and she knew) many times but both she and he wanted to get married. I suppose they figured they were at a point in their lives where if they didn't do it it wasn't going to happen.

I know plenty of people my age who are married with several kids and then I know older people who haven't settled down yet. But either way it's not wrong necessarily to not settle down. To me a bigger thing is that parties are aware of expectations.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

While I agree that people do divorce at times at the drop of the hat other times it's a decision that took a long time to make. I'm a person who believes in staying married but I'm also a person who is understanding that sometimes it just doesn't work.

There'd be a lot fewer divorces if it were harder to get married. Our society front-loads so much garbage into "getting married" that it's no wonder people who really have NO business getting married are the ones who jump into it.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

My mom is 59...she's been on many dating sites including the $$$$ paid ones and the guys that tend to be interested in her are not interested in actual long term relationships. She's dated people her own age, a few years older and a few years younger. Most are interested in how quick they can move from talking to...you know lol. She told me just the other day a guy asked what she was doing and she said "watching tv" and he skipped right into inappropriate talk. She told him bye bye.

To be fair, if she's dating people near her own age, if a physical relationship is important to her prospective beaus they're probably being forward-thinking. Because let's face it, for a 60-something, if they want that, they better get it while they still physically can.

And to be blunt, look at any retirement community... there are a LOT more women than men. Surviving men get their pick (provided they're not horrible).

 

[kimblebee]

Not sure if there are any statistics on relationships outside marriage and divorce rates in Australia...I guess I’m more interested in the pre marriage relationships (or lack of). I would have liked to link the thread I was reading here but as it isn’t strictly PG I don’t want points and a stern talking to until at least 2018.

Chicken lol

 

[jevs]

There'd be a lot fewer divorces if it were harder to get married. Our society front-loads so much garbage into "getting married" that it's no wonder people who really have NO business getting married are the ones who jump into it.

YES! Certainly here in Australia, the divorce process is a PITA. Way easier to get married.

Chicken lol