Death of relationships.

[jevs]

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entr...want-reltionships_us_572131a5e4b03b93e7e435d8

Inspired by a thread on another board and interested in what other parts of the world think.

Do you think committed relationships are on the decline? Is it a generational thing or across the board? Why?

I think people these days (all generations) are too used to instant gratification and are unwilling to put the leg work into any potential relationships expecting them to be perfect from day dot. I’ve always believed that maintaining a committed relationship takes constant work, compromise, and even sacrifice which people already in relationships seem to be unwilling to make let alone those in a new relationship/ or seeking one.

In addition, I might have been living under a rock for the past few years but I’m blown away by the level of bitterness against men/women in Australia these days. It seems that one bad experience equals a lifetime of hatred. I feel old.

Nb/ I am not talking about relationships with infidelity/DV/other deal breakers

 

[ols386]

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entr...want-reltionships_us_572131a5e4b03b93e7e435d8

Inspired by a thread on another board and interested in what other parts of the world think.

Do you think committed relationships are on the decline? Is it a generational thing or across the board? Why?

I think people these days (all generations) are too used to instant gratification and are unwilling to put the leg work into any potential relationships expecting them to be perfect from day dot. I’ve always believed that maintaining a committed relationship takes constant work, compromise, and even sacrifice which people already in relationships seem to be unwilling to make let alone those in a new relationship/ or seeking one.

In addition, I might have been living under a rock for the past few years but I’m blown away by the level of bitterness against men/women in Australia these days. It seems that one bad experience equals a lifetime of hatred. I feel old.

Nb/ I am not talking about relationships with infidelity/DV/other deal breakers

Yes we as s society are used to instant gratification, and that can definitely have an impact on many aspects of our lives, including committed relationships.

 

[minneylovesmicky]

Totally off topic, just wanted to check you are doing ok with all this rain?

 

[cjbcam]

I fear for my kids sake that this isn't what happens to them. My DH and I have been together since high school, we've lived apart a lot due to school and jobs. We had a few really bad years but fought for our marriage. Now after being married for close to 20 years I'm so glad we fought. I couldn't imagine not having him by my side. People don't realize that it's hard work sometimes and give up to easily.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Wow, that was... devoid of content. I don't know that I've ever read such a wordy article that manages to say absolutely nothing before. I was hoping for some stats, research, anything that backed the idea that relationships are on the decline, but it seemed like nothing more than a platform for someone who wanted to wax poetic for a few minutes.

 

[jevs]

Wow, that was... devoid of content. I don't know that I've ever read such a wordy article that manages to say absolutely nothing before. I was hoping for some stats, research, anything that backed the idea that relationships are on the decline, but it seemed like nothing more than a platform for someone who wanted to wax poetic for a few minutes.

Not sure if there are any statistics on relationships outside marriage and divorce rates in Australia...I guess I’m more interested in the pre marriage relationships (or lack of). I would have liked to link the thread I was reading here but as it isn’t strictly PG I don’t want points and a stern talking to until at least 2018.

 

[jevs]

Totally off topic, just wanted to check you are doing ok with all this rain?

It stopped just long enough for me to run out and do the grocery shopping. There are parts of my road (not near me) that are inaccessible, my patio is a mess with dirt all over it but no doubt it’ll flood again so I refuse to clean it up. I’m in north central Vic which seems to be getting hit more so than Melbourne. Gah!

 

[Christine]

I tend to agree with what you are saying. But there is good and bad with it.

I am soon-to-be 54 years old and back when I was in my early 20s, there was IMO excessive pressure on both sexes to be in a relationship and marry. I think the pressure was worse on women. In hindsight, even though I've been married over 30 years, I don't think it was necessarily a good thing. Trying on a few relationships wasn't overly encouraged.

Now I have two "children" that are navigating their way through this. To me, it is most disheartening to watch for my daughter. She is 26. I think she wants to be in a relationship at this point but the male pool of candidates she is choosing from absolutely do not. She has had about three, one-year relationships now and none of them want anything longer term than that and they all seem to have some issues. Maybe it's her and who she picks!! But I am finding it odd. Yet, within her peer group there have been a few that immediately paired off with someone from high school and they got married right out of college. So it seems to be real either/or and no in between. Again, I am seeing that the idea of a long-term relationship or marriage is ultimately decided by the man. I still get a sense that the women want it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Why want a relationship when you can get everything that a relationship gives without the commitment and work? I’ve heard the term “situationship.” You sleep together, hang out, go on dates, etc but there’s no commitment. You even get to see other people because you aren’t in a committed relationship. When that situationship gets boring it’s onto the next one. This is what i see most young people doing now. I’m 34 and i see a lot of people i went to HS with still doing this.


Regarding marriage. I have no scientific evidence to back this up but it’s just a theory of mine. Women now have careers. Their own money. Independence. Divorce isn't so taboo. So now when a woman is mistreated, cheated on, made to feel worthless....she leaves. She doesn’t have to stay like our grandmothers did. Women have choices now.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I didn't read the article, but I definitely think there is less pressure nowadays to marry, so maybe that leads to less serious relationships leading up to it?

I definitely think you are right about instant gratification changing people's outlooks/habits. We don't fix (or just live with) much of anything anymore, but replace stuff quickly, so I'm afraid that's creeping into how we think of people too. It's good in extreme cases like mi*vida*loca mentioned - someone being abused doesn't feel they have to just suffer. But in the smaller, day-to-day things, it makes us less tolerant of normal flaws and the ups and downs of daily life.

I also think a big part of it is time. People are so busy nowadays, and their lives so full, that investing time in a relationship means something else has to go.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

also maybe lots of these young people witnessed bad marriages with their parents and other family members. People who stayed in marriages because they felt they had to and now the younger generation is scared of marriage.

I’m divorced and sometimes wonder if my bad marriage will scar my children into not getting married. My son is 17 and says he wants marriage and children but that could change. My daughter is only 11 but i can definitely see her not getting married. She’s a free spirit that i can see never settling down.

 

[scrhsa]

I fear for my kids sake that this isn't what happens to them. My DH and I have been together since high school, we've lived apart a lot due to school and jobs. We had a few really bad years but fought for our marriage. Now after being married for close to 20 years I'm so glad we fought. I couldn't imagine not having him by my side. People don't realize that it's hard work sometimes and give up to easily.

Me too. My husband was in the Coast Guard and we spent a lot of time apart as well. We are almost at 30 yrs and my girls talk about seeing the ups and downs. That they were glad to see that you don't always have to like the person to still love them and stay committed. They have been lucky to witness very good, long, committed relationships in their life.Between family members marriages to grade school friendships. As a matter of fact they've only experienced one end of a long term relationship through me having to ending a friendship( she was crazy and I had to cut all ties).

I've tried to teach my girls that life is not easy and that there is no guarantee they'll get what they want. That if they don't get what they want it's because they didn't work for it. And sometimes, if you don't get it, well that's just too bad...offer it up!!!

 

[anniemae]

I agree, it is hard work and some give up too easily. I also feel like we, as humans, change so much as we grow and age. I was a completely different person at 25 than I was at 35. Your partner has to change and grow with you I believe.

 

[paisleys]

I tend to agree with what you are saying. But there is good and bad with it.

I am soon-to-be 54 years old and back when I was in my early 20s, there was IMO excessive pressure on both sexes to be in a relationship and marry. I think the pressure was worse on women. In hindsight, even though I've been married over 30 years, I don't think it was necessarily a good thing. Trying on a few relationships wasn't overly encouraged.

Now I have two "children" that are navigating their way through this. To me, it is most disheartening to watch for my daughter. She is 26. I think she wants to be in a relationship at this point but the male pool of candidates she is choosing from absolutely do not. She has had about three, one-year relationships now and none of them want anything longer term than that and they all seem to have some issues. Maybe it's her and who she picks!! But I am finding it odd. Yet, within her peer group there have been a few that immediately paired off with someone from high school and they got married right out of college. So it seems to be real either/or and no in between. Again, I am seeing that the idea of a long-term relationship or marriage is ultimately decided by the man. I still get a sense that the women want it.

Yes, I remember this pressure in the 1980's! My brother was married at 18, as was one of my best friends and most of my cousins. They were like royal weddings with all of the moms topping each other. I didn't get married until I was an elderly 34 and was considered the black sheep of the family until then even though I was the only college graduate (self financed) and had a nice career where I traveled. When I got married and had kids all of a sudden family took interest in me. Ridiculous! we eloped and relatives I hadn't seen or heard from in years were all up in arms about us not having a reception.

 

[Disney Ron]

I fear for my kids sake that this isn't what happens to them. My DH and I have been together since high school, we've lived apart a lot due to school and jobs. We had a few really bad years but fought for our marriage. Now after being married for close to 20 years I'm so glad we fought. I couldn't imagine not having him by my side. People don't realize that it's hard work sometimes and give up to easily.

I thank god every day that my ex wife gave up 12 years ago.

 

[gmi3804]

Who knows if relationships are on the decline, and who cares what any of us “think” or how it “seems?” Any discussion like this is just that, without any concrete numbers to prove anyone’s feelings.

The plural of “anecdote” is not “data.”

 

[Disney Doll]

There are times when divorce is a necessary evil. No one should stay in an abusive relationship...physical or emotional. Infidelity is probably also a deal breaker for some, although not all.

But I also do think that some people divorce too easily. I have heard brides- and grooms-to-be say “well if it doesn’t work out I can get divorced”.

I think, in general, commitment is not quite as strong of an ideal as it used to be.

 

[Colleen27]

Oh, lookie! Another "article" devoid of research, facts, or support, bashing millennials for being the Worse. People. Ever. That's refreshingly original.

Of course younger generations aren't enamored with relationships and marriage. Many grew up with bitter divorced parents or unhappily married parents, many others with successful single parents. Most were raised with a constant refrain of "Don't get serious/married until you've finished your education, established a career, traveled, lived alone, and had some time for yourself", the unspoken message in all of that being that education, career advancement, travel, and prioritizing yourself all end when a committed relationship begins. Then the very generation that taught those lessons wants to act appalled by the fact that young people are getting the takeaway that relationships aren't necessarily a positive addition to their lives.

My daughter has been really articulate about this. My husband and I are mostly happily married, though we've had some rough patches, and she knows that on whole I view my marriage as a very positive thing even without taking into consideration the kids. But she also sees all the compromises involved in that relationship, and doesn't want to make them herself. I don't blame her for that. Maybe she will "outgrow" it, maybe she won't - many of my peers didn't, and are still living a single life where they are free to relocate for career advancement and live abroad for periods of time without having to account for a partner's needs and opinions. My generation grew up watching our mothers try to do it all and seeing how exhausting it was for them, how they suffered personally for trying to add career to home and family without a real shift in the balance of domestic labor, and a lot of us opted out of that hamster wheel. I think DD's generation sees more clearly the sort of trade-offs involved in big life decisions, without the idealized "have it all" veneer, and I can't fault them for taking those trade-offs into account in their personal lives.

 

[DawnM]

Thankfully not all young people live like this or hold to these values. Some of our kids want the traditional marriage and kids and monogamy and companionship.

 

[palavra]

Thankfully not all young people live like this or hold to these values. Some of our kids want the traditional marriage and kids and monogamy and companionship.

I'm not sure why this is something to be thankful for? As a woman in her early 50's, I am thankful that young people have more choices today. The traditional marriage and family route does not work for everyone. Your answer seems to imply that traditional marriage and kids is the gold standard that everyone should want, and all other relationship choices are somehow substandard.