Dating Red Flags?

[Lord Manhammer]

That's the DIS for ya!

I've come to really love this board and its wacky denizens.

 

[LSUmiss]

Really? you have a dox as well? You're the dog equivalent of my sister from another mister.

Yep! We have a red short haired dach & gold, golden retriever. I’ve had a doxie & golden together before with previous dogs & it’s the best combo! Both males. What color are yours?

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Yep! We have a red short haired dach & gold, golden retriever. I’ve had a doxie & golden together before with previous dogs & it’s the best combo! Both males. What color are yours?

Our girls are both blondies. We have a blonde long haired dox-sheltie mix. Our Golden is an English cream. We weren't sure how they'd get along but you're correct, it's a great combination!

 

[NYCgrrl]

He had coupons for Burger King... But I also knew he was making an effort to “treat” me to dinner.

Dang.
You made me call my youngest sister who is also in the dating pool.
She said at least he didn’t bring a jar of peanut butter to share.

Dinna have the heart to ask if this was a personal experience.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

This is truly my last thought in the topic. If your date says that this is their favourite YouTube channel? You put a ring on it. Zack morris IS trash.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRcB4n4CGcy_r21EedmNUOyVP_puToBfr&si=XWc_vDvDecwS-FhJ

 

[ScottOKW2K]

Same I have a 90lb golden retriever & we bought a leather sectional when we needed a sofa to make sure he had room!

I remember the first Golden that owned me. 90lb to 100lb was a healthy weight for him. He would jump up, put his paws on your shoulder and stare you straight in the eyes. Most gentle creature I've ever met and before he passed this wonderful creature had almost 500 therapy visits.

 

[Nancyg56]

While I get what the pp’s are talking about, I also think that people have to realize that others may have different ’core values’ too. Sure, they’re deal breakers for some. Especially lately.

Putting a foot down and refusing to discuss things would be a deal breaker for me.

I agree, a discussion is in order, however it is is clear to me that someone's core beliefs are diametrically opposed to my own, I would move on. You see, I do not think that you can change people. I think that red flags in blossoming relationships should be recognized. Some things you can discuss and perhaps the differences are not as profound as they seemed to be. Others are brought into bright light with a discussion.

 

[Nancyg56]

Imagine living in a world where every single person puts their feet down and refuses to discuss anything at all, saying, “There is no compromise on people’s rights”. (Oh, wait…)

Do people not see that everyone’s ’core values’ may vary?

And am I hearing that someone could end a 30 year relationship over something like this? Wow. Things may be worse than I thought.

Yes, I would. If my husband told me that he would disown a grandchild who was gay, and he was serious, I would be done. We have wide differences in many things. For instance, I am not in favor of the death penalty. He is. We have had many discussions on this subject, as well as several others that we simply do not agree upon, and that's fine. Disowning a child or grandchild over sexual orientation? Deal breaker.

For people that are very rigid, apparently.

I think there are reasons relationships break down over time, and one is that some people either ignore profound difference in values or beliefs, or they think that they can change that person. For a while it is possible to ignore the differences, but over time the resentment that builds can become toxic. That's why red flags should be recognized. Does that mean you simply walk? I don't think so. I do think that if that flag is something non negotiable for one of you, best to accept that and move on.

I know that there are a lot of issues that can be compromised on, but there are some that cannot. I dont think that you and I need to agree on what differences may be deal breakers in a relationship, but a person who may become my life partner and I need to be on the same page.

 

[Nancyg56]

Lol. You guys come on here guns ablazin’ about “people’s rights” and seem like everyone is supposed to think the same way you do. I am simply pointing out that there are other viewpoints. I guess some don’t like other opinions.

Here is the issue. We can agree that we do not all have the same opinions with regards to "people's rights" and that is okay. What some of us are trying to point out is that if it was clear early in a relationship that a dating partner was comfortable using racial or ethnic slurs, or thought that it was okay to disparage women, or was homophobic, some of us would not want to pursue that relationship. We are all entitled to our viewpoints, biases, etc, but it is probably best to acknowledge if the two of you might be at odds in a long term relationship.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Nancy, you talked pages back about growing up in the 70s. So did I.

I asked you a question that you never answered, pages back.

Earlier in this thread I became alarmed at some of the things being said that are lines in the sand for many - and here’s the important part - that there seems to be little room for ANY compromise on.

As @ramee said, this seems to be a reflection of the way our world is today politically. Totally black or white thinking. If you don’t agree with me, you’re gone. Not just with dating or marital relationships, but friends and family, too, as well as, well, anyone! This really, IMO, isn’t a good way to be, or to live! How are we EVER going to fix the problems we have in our world if we can’t come to the table together to discuss them and work to effect change that everyone can live with?

I happen to believe that there is a LOT of space between A and Z. And that seems, to me, to be what is being overlooked.

And yes, I am seeing this more from a political perspective than a dating one! People trying to explain to me about dating relationships? I’m in agreement, of course! But I also think that when we “shut people down”, we lose out on a lot ourselves, and our world.

I take care of people from all over the world. I listen to their viewpoints whether I agree with them or not. Oftentimes I see there is some common ground. I am not the type of person who completely shuts someone down because their viewpoints differ from mine, and frankly, that’s something I just don’t really understand. I certainly don’t think it’s good for our society. I have to take care of people who murder, rape, steal, you name it, because they are people. And I have to treat them the same as any other person. Do I have feelings about that one way or another? Of course I do. But I can’t just shut them down or walk away. Granted, it’s a professional environment and all that. But even outside of work it’s just not how I am. As I said before, YMMV.

 

[Nancyg56]

Nancy, you talked pages back about growing up in the 70s. So did I.

I asked you a question that you never answered, pages back.

Earlier in this thread I became alarmed at some of the things being said that are lines in the sand for many - and here’s the important part - that there seems to be little room for ANY compromise on.

As @ramee said, this seems to be a reflection of the way our world is today politically. Totally black or white thinking. If you don’t agree with me, you’re gone. Not just with dating or marital relationships, but friends and family, too, as well as, well, anyone! This really, IMO, isn’t a good way to be, or to live! How are we EVER going to fix the problems we have in our world if we can’t come to the table together to discuss them and work to effect change that everyone can live with?

I happen to believe that there is a LOT of space between A and Z. And that seems, to me, to be what is being overlooked.

And yes, I am seeing this more from a political perspective than a dating one! People trying to explain to me about dating relationships? I’m in agreement, of course! But I also think that when we “shut people down”, we lose out on a lot ourselves, and our world.

I take care of people from all over the world. I listen to their viewpoints whether I agree with them or not. Oftentimes I see there is some common ground. I am not the type of person who completely shuts someone down because their viewpoints differ from mine, and frankly, that’s something I just don’t really understand. I certainly don’t think it’s good for our society. I have to take care of people who murder, rape, steal, you name it, because they are people. And I have to treat them the same as any other person. Do I have feelings about that one way or another? Of course I do. But I can’t just shut them down or walk away. Granted, it’s a professional environment and all that. But even outside of work it’s just not how I am. As I said before, YMMV.

You did ask me a question and I chose not to answer it. I am not going to discuss my personal opinions regarding fetal rights on a Disney message board. Whether a difference in opinion regarding abortion for a new couple dating could be regarded as a red flag for their future remains the same.

I honestly do not understand why you are alarmed by someone else's line in the sand. If a person has value that they do not want to compromise on, and if they choose not to pursue a relationship over that value or belief, that is a personal decision that should be respected. I did tell you that I do have lines in the sand, and IIRC you were appalled that I would end my relationship over one of them. Believe me, DH and I did not enter into our relationship on opposite ends of that spectrum, so if there was a radical change in his mindset, there would be a radical change in our relationship.

You say that you do not shut folks down becasue of differences of opinions, and in may cases neither do I. I believe that for purposes of this discussion we were discussing red flags in personal relationships, and how we would react to them.

Your examples of how you treat people in your professional life are valid in a professional environment. In my profession I do the same, and I keep my personal opinions and feelings to myself. In a personal relationship, one that may lead to a long term commitment, I believe the guideposts can change. People know what they want to tolerate and if they know they don't want to deal with whatever red flag they see, they have every right to call it a day and move on. In a casual relationship tolerances may change.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You did ask me a question and I chose not to answer it. I am not going to discuss my personal opinions regarding fetal rights on a Disney message board. Whether a difference in opinion regarding abortion for a new couple dating could be regarded as a red flag for their future remains the same.

I honestly do not understand why you are alarmed by someone else's line in the sand. If a person has value that they do not want to compromise on, and if they choose not to pursue a relationship over that value or belief, that is a personal decision that should be respected. I did tell you that I do have lines in the sand, and IIRC you were appalled that I would end my relationship over one of them. Believe me, DH and I did not enter into our relationship on opposite ends of that spectrum, so if there was a radical change in his mindset, there would be a radical change in our relationship.

You say that you do not shut folks down becasue of differences of opinions, and in may cases neither do I. I believe that for purposes of this discussion we were discussing red flags in personal relationships, and how we would react to them.

Your examples of how you treat people in your professional life are valid in a professional environment. In my profession I do the same, and I keep my personal opinions and feelings to myself. In a personal relationship, one that may lead to a long term commitment, I believe the guideposts can change. People know what they want to tolerate and if they know they don't want to deal with whatever red flag they see, they have every right to call it a day and move on. In a casual relationship tolerances may change.

It was a rhetorical question meant to highlight that there can be variations on even something like ’abortion rights’.

I explained why it alarmed me. Because I still have hope we can come together. The more I hear to this effect, the more I think it might not be possible.

For the purposes of discussion. Well when people bring other things into the discussion, as they did here, then things can stray a bit, as we all know.

It’s kind of funny to me on some of these threads that people can offer all kinds of personal and political opinions yet when I do, I’m called ’antagonistic’. Seems to me like, for some people, there’s only one way of looking at things and theirs is the right way. Maybe we can just let it go now. We’re obviously on different pages with some of this stuff so we can agree to disagree.

 

[Nancyg56]

It was a rhetorical question meant to highlight that there can be variations on even something like ’abortion rights’.

I explained why it alarmed me. Because I still have hope we can come together. The more I hear to this effect, the more I think it might not be possible.

For the purposes of discussion. Well when people bring other things into the discussion, as they did here, then things can stray a bit, as we all know.

It’s kind of funny to me on some of these threads that people can offer all kinds of personal and political opinions yet when I do, I’m called ’antagonistic’. Seems to me like, for some people, there’s only one way of looking at things and theirs is the right way. Maybe we can just let it go now. We’re obviously on different pages with some of this stuff so we can agree to disagree.

A rhetorical question that you pointed out I chose to ignore.

I can agree to move on and I will, but before I do, I want you to know I never said you were antagonistic. I did not and do not understand why personal decisions others make hit a nerve with you, but I truly am not upset. I thought that we were having a discussion about our differences with regards to the decisions couple may make if they run into major ideological differences, and in no way meant to challenge your viewpoint.

 

[PollyannaMom]

when we “shut people down”, we lose out on a lot ourselves, and our world.

Absolutely!! And I am friends (really good friends) with a lot of people who have different viewpoints than me. I wholeheartedly believe it enriches my viewpoint and makes me a more understanding person.

...But I don't spend all my time with friends. Dating someone when you're looking for it to potentially end in marriage feels different to me. Forming a household together with huge differences in issues really important to you is setting yourself up to spend a lot of time either arguing, avoiding topics, or just tense in general, in what's supposed to be your safe place, so I can see people being hesitant. I can work out a lot of things that eventually come up or change in an established relationship, but I wouldn't want to start already way behind.

That said, I also agree that most people are nearer the middle than the loudest voices. (I liked the way you put it about a lot of room between A and Z!) And I think (hope?) that many people here who would dismiss someone as a potential mate wouldn't dismiss them as a friend, and certainly wouldn't think they were less of a person. - I would hope they would be curious as to how others arrived at their differing beliefs, even if they disagree with them.

 

[Buzz Rules]

That's the DIS for ya!

And I didn't go off topic about soccer.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Yes, I would. If my husband told me that he would disown a grandchild who was gay, and he was serious, I would be done. We have wide differences in many things. For instance, I am not in favor of the death penalty. He is. We have had many discussions on this subject, as well as several others that we simply do not agree upon, and that's fine. Disowning a child or grandchild over sexual orientation? Deal breaker.

I think there are reasons relationships break down over time, and one is that some people either ignore profound difference in values or beliefs, or they think that they can change that person. For a while it is possible to ignore the differences, but over time the resentment that builds can become toxic. That's why red flags should be recognized. Does that mean you simply walk? I don't think so. I do think that if that flag is something non negotiable for one of you, best to accept that and move on.

I know that there are a lot of issues that can be compromised on, but there are some that cannot. I dont think that you and I need to agree on what differences may be deal breakers in a relationship, but a person who may become my life partner and I need to be on the same page.

Very well said. Thank you.

 

[PolymerSkywalker]

It’s been a hundred years, but my three big red flags were smoking, being mean to wait staff, and their relationship with their family. I hate the way cigarettes smell and suffer from allergies so that was a no go. Also, if they are mean / unreasonable to people serving them…..it’s only a matter of time before they are mean and unreasonable to their date / partner. If you can’t find common ground and get along with the people you share blood kinship to, it’s a pretty big red flag to me.

My family is majorly screwed up, but we can put that all aside and love one another anyway during the important times.

 

[PolymerSkywalker]

Yes, I would. If my husband told me that he would disown a grandchild who was gay, and he was serious, I would be done. We have wide differences in many things. For instance, I am not in favor of the death penalty. He is. We have had many discussions on this subject, as well as several others that we simply do not agree upon, and that's fine. Disowning a child or grandchild over sexual orientation? Deal breaker.

I think there are reasons relationships break down over time, and one is that some people either ignore profound difference in values or beliefs, or they think that they can change that person. For a while it is possible to ignore the differences, but over time the resentment that builds can become toxic. That's why red flags should be recognized. Does that mean you simply walk? I don't think so. I do think that if that flag is something non negotiable for one of you, best to accept that and move on.

I know that there are a lot of issues that can be compromised on, but there are some that cannot. I dont think that you and I need to agree on what differences may be deal breakers in a relationship, but a person who may become my life partner and I need to be on the same page.

I think open and honest discussions are the key. My wife was raised much more conservatively than me, but we can talk most things out. I have a respect for her beliefs and she respects mine. Sometimes we can find common ground and sometimes we just agree to disagree.

I wouldn’t trade her for 1000 gold bricks, so I we make it work.

 

[shh]

I can work out a lot of things that eventually come up or change in an established relationship, but I wouldn't want to start already way behind.

This is an interesting point. Not all, but many people do grow more conservative as they age and with life experience.

That diehard blue state, left-leaning teen or 20-something may morph into a die-hard red-state middle ager or senior. Or more likely purplish - somewhere in the moderate middle.

I have seen this with quite a few people. They've skewed far right (or in a few cases, far left) of where they were decades ago. But if I still love or care about this person and want them in my life, I have to find ways to listen, communicate, compromise on occasion and - my #1 favorite - "agree to disagree".

I like the latter tactic, because it usually lets us both have our say and feel heard, but without the never-ending arguments that will rarely change either's opinion.

 

[goofyernmost]

I am aware of that and that baffles me given so many people seem to be apolitical these days.

It's not really the differences, it is the extremes. There is a proper side and each one thinks it is whatever they think they are and it generates a lot of anger, distrust and fear. It has broken up a number of families, including my own briefly, but we still are unable to talk ideology without real anger instead of just disagreement. It has been far worse then I have ever seen it in my lifetime. Even the upheaval that existed during the Vietnam era, it was nothing like it is now except for the dark skinned people who had every right to be angry. And the worse part of it is that life in this country has never been better except for the made up problems that keep everyone fired up. It is sad that we have come to this when we have nothing to gain and everything to lose. I do mean everything.