Dating Red Flags?

My FIL just passed at 96, leaving behind a 95 year old widow. He was an incredible man, so involved in everything until he passed, wake and funeral were full. He met his second wife through the Catholic Church (both were widowed and were married to each other 40 years). My entire family on my mom’s side lived in Jersey City, my grandmother was the last (all Irish). We have in town Irish and Italian clubs here, plus the Italians seem to join the Elks while the Irish seem to prefer the knights of Columbus. I think if your dad was in assisted living he’d have a very active social life!

Your FIL sounds like mine :). He's so active now, it's hard to imagine him being *more* social in an assisted living community. He's still driving, grocery shops, cooks for himself, golfs...etc. He just got over a bout with Covid...spent five days at home and then back to his bowling league championship game...lol!
 
It’s weird. The generation below mine is waiting so long for everything. For example I had both kids by 27 but my kids are in their 30’s and no sign that I will ever have more than a grand puppy!
I am around that age range and I only know 1 person who has kids. Everyone else is either waiting and/or focusing on their career or they don't want kids at all.
 
Your FIL sounds like mine :). He's so active now, it's hard to imagine him being *more* social in an assisted living community. He's still driving, grocery shops, cooks for himself, golfs...etc. He just got over a bout with Covid...spent five days at home and then back to his bowling league championship game...lol!
Lol my FIL was driving up until last year when he fell asleep and rolled through a fence. A few months before he passed he lead an exercise class at his community center, and ran community events, and just received an award from the Lions club.
 
In every situation I know about, there has always been another woman.
I can think of a few exceptions. But they all have some things in common. Usually they have some important social support circles or activities with purpose outside of the marriage and work. They also tend to have been in therapy and/or on some significant spiritual journeys of transformation. They’ve also had some time living alone and taking care of themselves, either earlier in life or during a separation preceding the divorce, and maybe both.
 
...Anyway, he's now joining new clubs to try and find a friend as he hasn't found one to suit him in the bowling league, bocci team, or in the Jersey City or Hudson County club. So...he's joining the Irish Club, which made us chuckle because he's 100% Italian. We asked him if you had to be Irish, but he said, "No, they'll let anyone in, you just have to like Irish people." Gotta give him credit though....he hasn't dated in 72 years. He met my MIL when she was 17 and he was 20.
:lovestrucLOVE this...thanks for the smile this morning. :teeth:
 
I am around that age range and I only know 1 person who has kids. Everyone else is either waiting and/or focusing on their career or they don't want kids at all.
Interesting. If you’re in your late 20’s then you’re about 10 years older than my college students. Most of them don’t want kids either, for a variety of reasons. And it’s not “I’ll think about it” it’s a hard pass.
 
Interesting. If you’re in your late 20’s then you’re about 10 years older than my college students. Most of them don’t want kids either, for a variety of reasons. And it’s not “I’ll think about it” it’s a hard pass.
I'm in the hard pass camp too. My parents will enjoy Dr. Pepper as their grand puppy 😅
 
My parents, having married later, started having us kids at 36 and 39, so their friends' kids were mostly ten years or so older than us. That was annoying when we were young, but now those kids are in their late-60s.
 
::yes:: I've seen several stats about remarriage after widowhood. Apparently very happily-married men look for another spouse quickly, wanting to maintain that aspect of their lives. Happily-married women? Not near so much... :scratchin
My maternal grandmother was widowed at about 60, never had any interest in finding another man.
My paternal grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 5 kids. I'm not sure how happily married she was, as she always told my sisters and I to never get married. She didn't like being told what to do and enjoyed her independence until the day she died (in her 80s).
 
My maternal grandmother was widowed at about 60, never had any interest in finding another man.
My paternal grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 5 kids. I'm not sure how happily married she was, as she always told my sisters and I to never get married. She didn't like being told what to do and enjoyed her independence until the day she died (in her 80s).
My mom was widowed at age 44. I was 9. I only remember her going on one date. Years later she said my dad was the only man for her and that it seemed like every man her age was looking for a nurse for a maid! She did an amazing job taking care of my dad in his cancer battle that lasted 2 years, and raising me. I can see where she might want to have all her time to herself. She wanted the freedom to do what she wanted, when she wanted, so much show that she didn't get another pet after her dog died when she was 60.
 
Lol my FIL was driving up until last year when he fell asleep and rolled through a fence. A few months before he passed he lead an exercise class at his community center, and ran community events, and just received an award from the Lions club.
Incredible. My FIL has definitely aged....he does that old man kind of shuffle now. He finally gave in and moved up to a certain color on the golf tee after his 80-something year old buddies told him it was ok.....though he won't go to the next tee because that's where the ladies hit from ;).

I don't know what will happen with him and his dating quest though. We think he may have "missed his window". We've had other older male relatives lose their spouse, but in their 70s. They were snatched up very quickly in their communities. We always expected the same with my FIL. He's a handsome little Italian guy who drives and cooks! But...he's 92, and I fear other candidates might fear that they may end up caring for him in some way. So, I guess we'll see what happens. I'll never count him out though.....he was a salesman, and can talk the balls down off of a pool table ;). If any 92 year old can find a lady, he can.
 
My maternal grandmother was widowed at about 60, never had any interest in finding another man.
My paternal grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 5 kids. I'm not sure how happily married she was, as she always told my sisters and I to never get married. She didn't like being told what to do and enjoyed her independence until the day she died (in her 80s).

Ha, well, my maternal grandmother never told my sisters and I to avoid getting married, but she did tell us..."never rely on a man for your financial well-being". We all paid attention to that I guess because none of us were ever dependent on our spouses....meaning, we'd all be fine financially if we split up, but none of us has done so. So, I guess there was something to that wisdom. We all stay in our marriages because we want to be there....not because we have to.
 
I know it's a tangent (though on civics, not politics), but I *really* hate it when people buy into the "canceling each other out" concept and decide to just skip voting on that basis.

While it makes some sense if you're a straight-ticket voter, most people are not, at least when it comes to local races, and you never know, you may walk in intending to vote straight-ticket, but look over the ballot and make some individual choices.

The right to vote is a very precious thing, and if you start blowing it off just because you and your spouse disagree on a marquee race, you are throwing away your chance to influence your community and the wider world that you live in.

Go vote, people! It doesn't matter who your spouse is likely to vote for; you are your own person and if you have the right to vote, you should exercise it on your own behalf, not someone else's.
 
Incredible. My FIL has definitely aged....he does that old man kind of shuffle now. He finally gave in and moved up to a certain color on the golf tee after his 80-something year old buddies told him it was ok.....though he won't go to the next tee because that's where the ladies hit from ;).

I don't know what will happen with him and his dating quest though. We think he may have "missed his window". We've had other older male relatives lose their spouse, but in their 70s. They were snatched up very quickly in their communities. We always expected the same with my FIL. He's a handsome little Italian guy who drives and cooks! But...he's 92, and I fear other candidates might fear that they may end up caring for him in some way. So, I guess we'll see what happens. I'll never count him out though.....he was a salesman, and can talk the balls down off of a pool table ;). If any 92 year old can find a lady, he can.
I think if my FIL wasn’t married, he would’ve been snatched up in a heartbeat! Everyone loved him. In his 80’s he had to get his second hip replacement and had to give up reffing sports, which he did his entire life. Someone my age told the story that they were about to argue with him, but then realized who they were arguing with, and if course they they were wrong, because there wasn’t a more honest and trustworthy ref than my FIL (baseball, softball, soccer), and he also golfed. His parents came to the US from Italy as young adults, but he was born here. What woman doesn’t love a nice Italian man!
 
I think if my FIL wasn’t married, he would’ve been snatched up in a heartbeat! Everyone loved him. In his 80’s he had to get his second hip replacement and had to give up reffing sports, which he did his entire life. Someone my age told the story that they were about to argue with him, but then realized who they were arguing with, and if course they they were wrong, because there wasn’t a more honest and trustworthy ref than my FIL (baseball, softball, soccer), and he also golfed. His parents came to the US from Italy as young adults, but he was born here. What woman doesn’t love a nice Italian man!

That's great. Sounds like a great guy :). My FIL's parents also came here from Italy, but separately and then met here. My husband's grandfather was actually born in 1873! He emigrated here from Sicily in 1910 at age 37 with his brother, who was 35. They met and married sisters....who were 19 and 20....lol! And they both went on to have many children. My FIL was the last of five children and was born when his father was 59! My husband is the youngest of all the grandchildren, born in 1969. He never met his paternal grandfather....he passed just two years before he was born...in 1967. He smoked cigars and made wine in the basement of the building where they had an apartment....and still lived to 94. I can see my FIL going for several more years at least.

We both married nice Italian men it seems :).
 
It’s weird. The generation below mine is waiting so long for everything. For example I had both kids by 27 but my kids are in their 30’s and no sign that I will ever have more than a grand puppy!
Not weird to me. My mom had her first at age 28 in 1949. The men were off fighting the war. I had my first at age 28 in 1990, and I was the first of my friend group to have a child. DD had her first at age 31. Women are going to college and establishing careers before kids. My other 2 kids (31 and 28) are unmarried and not settled, and that’s OK.
 
This American Life posted something to Facebook today, which made me think. Here is what they said: "People in the dating scene: When you’re on the apps or meeting people out in the wild, do you have a go-to question you ask prospective dates that brings red flags to the surface? A question that seems harmless, but the answer tells you what you need to know about your potential compatibility with a mate?"

There were tons of questions that people asked but I don't think anyone asked mine: do you believe in god? When I was dating I asked this very regularly as I am a fervent atheist and had no desire to date a religious person (of any faith) as religious incompatibility was a contributing factor to my first divorce.

For those of you who are single (or were), do/did you have any go to questions that would help you select a potential suitor? What were they? Did you ever break your rule because you just wanted a date with someone?
I was only a rule breaker when it came to someone I completely felt no rules applied. Know anybody like that Lord M?
 

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