Dating Red Flags?

[ScottOKW2K]

I moved out at 18 and made my way. I put myself through nursing school and bought a condo at 26.
My kids moved out in their 20’s are all doing well.
My husband and I feel like if you don’t leave home you never grow up, get married, become independent. My ex lived with his mother until he was 28 and marrying him was a huge mistake. He was not mature even though he was a lot older. So when I hear someone over 21 is still at home my initial thought is wow, what a loser.

The average wage in the US these days in most locations cannot afford the average home. Wages have not increased as dramatically as home prices. I understand your feelings but the economics have changed dramatically in recent years. In addition a person at 21 is likely limited in wage earnings and likely had considerable education debt.

 

[goofyernmost]

I 100% disagree with you about staying home and not voting because you disagree on some things and sometimes cancel out each other's vote. I actually find that offensive. That is quite literally why it's important for everyone to have their vote counted. I certainly agree with you that the current atmosphere is divisive but feel that times like this make it even MORE important for people to vote.

I'm not talking about the general over all public, I'm talking about one household and one relationship. It will not affect the outcome if both are going to vote differently and they know it so in that singular case it really doesn't matter, I won't change or create anything. They will cancel each others vote out and one will be left feeling happy and the other will not. Never a good thing in a relationship.

As for the nation, of course it is important that every one vote so that the outcome will make a difference and a majority will be successful. But even if there are thousands of individual household couples that will be voting the opposite of each, their not voting will not change the outcome of it. In an election it is not the quantity of votes cast it is the difference between two votes that elect someone.

It is absolutely important that everyone have the opportunity to vote and it is the diversity of those people that creates the majority. Two exact opposite votes do not affect the outcome. Only the contrast of the votes matter. If two are going to vote the opposite of each other it will only affect the number of total votes cast not the winner. It isn't about anyone denying the rights of others to vote. I'm not sure why that offended you. I never said that those that want to vote should be denied that right, I'm just pointing out the mechanical reality of the system. (+1)+(-1)= 0

 

[hertamaniac]

Do you smoke? That was an immediate deal-breaker.

 

[shh]

If I ever had to do it again, being older and wiser, some of the red flags would be different.

This says it all. It reminds me of buying one's first house. "Must-haves" I thought were so important- had to have them - ended up unused/unimportant while others I didn't even consider turned out to be major issues or wants I should have considered.

I suspect that's behind most of the divorces that aren't related to any dramatic change like cheating, alcoholism,, etc. Just incompatibility.

Red flags and deal breakers can change so much with age and experience.

 

[dvcgirl67]

The average wage in the US these days in most locations cannot afford the average home. Wages have not increased as dramatically as home prices. I understand your feelings but the economics have changed dramatically in recent years. In addition a person at 21 is likely limited in wage earnings and likely had considerable education debt.

This is very true, and it's happened essentially in one generation, specifically with home prices. I just read an article about this that referenced the median U.S. income vs. the average home price. In 2000, when DH and I bought our first home in our early 30s, the ration was 4.24....meaning, the average home in America was 4.24 times the median income. Then it climbed pretty steeply to the peak of the housing bubble at 6.82. Then the bust and back down into the high 4's for a period of time.

Now...it's it's 7.26 times the median income! Average household income is around 70K. Average home price 495K.

https://www.longtermtrends.net/home-price-median-annual-income-ratio/

I think back to our first purchase...back then, in 2000, first house was 440K (in NJ)....and our income was right around 210-220K at that time. There is *no* way I would have felt comfortable purchasing that price of a home on a 70K household income. I can understand why younger people feel priced out.

 

[gmi3804]

My parents had dated, and broken up, in the early-50s, ten years before they eventually re-connected (my dad's mother died, mom visited the wake early one morning before my dad got there, he called to thank her, asked her out again) and married less than a year later. The clock was ticking. She was 35 and he was 38 when they married. They both still lived at home, but that was more common then, especially among children of Italian immigrants. My mom found out, years later, that Dad actually liked living at home before he got married, and then quipped that if she'd known that earlier she wouldn't have married him.

Back then, money was a big consideration. Dad was just starting his business after the war and college (we manufacture wood products, including Disney lollipop sticks!, a large custom of ours), and neither wanted to start a family until there was more financial stability. Different era, for sure.

 

[Chili327]

I'm not talking about the general over all public, I'm talking about one household and one relationship. It will not affect the outcome if both are going to vote differently and they know it so in that singular case it really doesn't matter, I won't change or create anything. They will cancel each others vote out and one will be left feeling happy and the other will not. Never a good thing in a relationship.

As for the nation, of course it is important that every one vote so that the outcome will make a difference and a majority will be successful. But even if there are thousands of individual household couples that will be voting the opposite of each, their not voting will not change the outcome of it. In an election it is not the quantity of votes cast it is the difference between two votes that elect someone.

It is absolutely important that everyone have the opportunity to vote and it is the diversity of those people that creates the majority. Two exact opposite votes do not affect the outcome. Only the contrast of the votes matter. If two are going to vote the opposite of each other it will only affect the number of total votes cast not the winner. It isn't about anyone denying the rights of others to vote. I'm not sure why that offended you. I never said that those that want to vote should be denied that right, I'm just pointing out the mechanical reality of the system. (+1)+(-1)= 0

Just wanted to throw it out there that there are more than 2 candidates on a ballot.

 

[gmi3804]

Just wanted to throw it out there that there are more than 2 candidates on a ballot.

I'll let someone else take this one.

 

[Dreams&wishes]

Definitely needs to have the same level of education, political views, religion, no over drinking, no smoking and no videogames/phone addictions.

 

[Chili327]

The average wage in the US these days in most locations cannot afford the average home. Wages have not increased as dramatically as home prices. I understand your feelings but the economics have changed dramatically in recent years. In addition a person at 21 is likely limited in wage earnings and likely had considerable education debt.

This is very true, and it's happened essentially in one generation, specifically with home prices. I just read an article about this that referenced the median U.S. income vs. the average home price. In 2000, when DH and I bought our first home in our early 30s, the ration was 4.24....meaning, the average home in America was 4.24 times the median income. Then it climbed pretty steeply to the peak of the housing bubble at 6.82. Then the bust and back down into the high 4's for a period of time.

Now...it's it's 7.26 times the median income! Average household income is around 70K. Average home price 495K.

https://www.longtermtrends.net/home-price-median-annual-income-ratio/

I think back to our first purchase...back then, in 2000, first house was 440K (in NJ)....and our income was right around 210-220K at that time. There is *no* way I would have felt comfortable purchasing that price of a home on a 70K household income. I can understand why younger people feel priced out.

Of course the YouTube algorithm hit me immediately after reading these posts. lol

Good video though!!

 

[Chili327]

I'll let someone else take this one.

Yea voting for the “lesser evil” seems to work out great.

 

[ronandannette]

Yea voting for the “lesser evil” seems to work out great.

Not a voting thread, I realize but boy, even when a couple's views closely align, there can be quite a bit of "lively discussion" over whether to make a principled-vote that will do nothing or a hold-your-nose-and-be-pragmatic vote to try and effect change.

 

[Chili327]

Not a voting thread, I realize but boy, even when a couple's views closely align, there can be quite a bit of "lively discussion" over whether to make a principled-vote that will do nothing or a hold-your-nose-and-be-pragmatic vote to try and effect change.

Nothing except change the outcome, unless enough people do it then it changes it for the better not worse. (depending on which way you lean and which side of the aisle you’re on)

The real issue is that more people need to vote in primaries.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Of course the YouTube algorithm hit me immediately after reading these posts. lol

Good video though!!

Haha. Yes, pretty good video too. Of course, he's hawking his financial tracker . And it's a bit doom and gloomy, and I tend to see the financial future for many Americans as sort of gloomy.

I guess one way to bring it back to "dating red flags" would be....to ask for your perspective date's net worth statement . Kidding....kind of.

 

[disneychrista]

Haha. Yes, pretty good video too. Of course, he's hawking his financial tracker . And it's a bit doom and gloomy, and I tend to see the financial future for many Americans as sort of gloomy.

I guess one way to bring it back to "dating red flags" would be....to ask for your perspective date's net worth statement . Kidding....kind of.

I do think a potential partner’s finances are important to a degree at least. Do they have tons of debt? Are they struggling to make ends meet? All play a part. Their debt becomes your debt if you get married.

 

[shh]

My passport lapsed for many years because I couldn't afford overseas travel, and it was a ridiculous thing to spend money on under those circumstances.

Not directed at NotUrsula: I understand her point above. Apologies for getting a bit grim and off-topic, but a valid passports isn't just for travel. It's insurance against the unimaginable.

I hope never to see it here, but history shows that no nation is 100% safe from their democracy overthrown or an enemy takeover. Improbable in US, but certainly not impossible.

A valid passport may be the only escape option , should the unlikely need arise. If you don't have one, you'll wait months in a long line of panicky people - if you can even still get one.

Millions of citizens have lived in countries governed by democracies similar to ours, convinced nothing like that could ever happen there. Until it did.

 

[shh]

Definitely needs to have the same level of education, political views, religion, no over drinking, no smoking and no videogames/phone addictions.

Level of education is so unimportant to me personally - it doesn't measure intelligence. I've met people with master's degrees and doctorates that were morons or severely lacking in common sense or integrity - and high school grads with a strong curiosity, intelligence, big hearts, strong work ethic.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I do think a potential partner’s finances are important to a degree at least. Do they have tons of debt? Are they struggling to make ends meet? All play a part. Their debt becomes your debt if you get married.

Oh....1000%. I'm not sure when I'd ask for an inkling of their net worth, but probably not too long into the game if I was 50+.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Level of education is so unimportant to me personally. I've met people with master's degrees and doctorates that were total morons or severely lacking in common sense or integrity - and high school grads with a strong curiosity, intelligence, big hearts, strong work ethic.

This is true. I wouldn't say it's level of educational degree that's important, but the degree to which a partner can hold a conversation at your level. It's like tennis....you have to play with a partner who is mostly on your level, or it's no fun.

 

[Marrila]

This is true. I wouldn't say it's level of educational degree that's important, but the degree to which a partner can hold a conversation at your level. It's like tennis....you have to play with a partner who is mostly on your level, or it's no fun.

I think it helps to be open minded and curious. In our case I learned about his interests and he learned about mine.
We've meshed those interests over the years so most of them we now both enjoy.