Dating Red Flags?

[Lord Manhammer]

A valid passport can be your only entry into another country, should the need arise. If you don't already have a valid one ready to go, you'll wait weeks, even months - assuming a purchase is still allowed.

Some will think I'm over-dramatic, and I hope they are proven right. But few U.S. citizens understand how fragile their freedom really is. What seems unimaginable can become frightening reality.

Millions of citizens have lived in other countries with democracies similar to ours and thought:" Oh, this could never happen here." Until it did. Then they weren't alive to "think" anything at all. Because they didn't get out in time.

This is SO true. Being prepared is essential because anything can happen at any point. When I lived in Poland in 2022, we were there when 2 missiles entered Polish airspace and killed 2 Poles. That was 4 hours away from us by car. A little too close for comfort. We were up most of that night watching the news but if war broke out, we had a plan to flee to Germany and then get back to the US. In this day and age, and the way geopolitics is going, having a passport may be one of the most essential things to possess.

 

[Chili327]

Haha. Yes, pretty good video too. Of course, he's hawking his financial tracker . And it's a bit doom and gloomy, and I tend to see the financial future for many Americans as sort of gloomy.

I guess one way to bring it back to "dating red flags" would be....to ask for your perspective date's net worth statement . Kidding....kind of.

Definitely agree, he is still trying to make money off his stuff, but it was interesting regardless.

I do think a potential partner’s finances are important to a degree at least. Do they have tons of debt? Are they struggling to make ends meet? All play a part. Their debt becomes your debt if you get married.

Level of education is so unimportant to me personally - it doesn't measure intelligence. I've met people with master's degrees and doctorates that were morons or severely lacking in common sense or integrity - and high school grads with a strong curiosity, intelligence, big hearts, strong work ethic.

Also agree 110% (pun intended, sort of lol) Finances are much more important than education level. You can tell pretty quick about intelligence, regardless of a diploma, or degree.

 

[Brian Noble]

If he ever uses the words bling bling it's time to dump dump.

Even if quoting Ron Stoppable?

https://genius.com/Will-friedle-the-naked-mole-rap-lyrics

 

[frog3101]

Just a little humor...I personally don't care for pineapple on my pizza, but would still consider dating someone who does. Brave, I know. LOL

To be a bit more serious, @Buzz Rules, I can respect your religion and whatever set of dealbreakers/rules you have for dating or not dating someone. I want to point out that not everyone who is divorced chooses to be divorced. I had zero choice. I was in my marriage for the long haul (emotional and mental abuse and all...which is another post altogether as to why I would stay with a narcissist who was/still is abusive and controlling...for those who have been there, they may understand, for those who have not, I hope you never have to understand.) I begged and pleaded to work on our marriage and to get counseling, went myself even when he refused. He filed, and I had no choice. Please don't think that just because someone is divorced, they chose it, or if they did choose it, it was because they just gave up. I do, for the most part, believe marriage is forever. However, when one person neglects to hold up the end of their vows or what their chosen religion (if there is a religious aspect) says marriage should be, things can get dicey quickly. Cheating, abuse, neglect, control, I can't see how any religion can say that is ok. Again, I am not knocking you, Buzz, or your religion; we all have different expectations, things we are willing to compromise on, and things we have a hard line drawn and won't cross. After all I have been through and after talking to leaders in my realm of spiritual/religious beliefs, I just can't understand how any religion, especially those that preach love above all, finds it acceptable for people to stay in marriages where abuse, cheating, addictiveness ( i.e., when a person who has a substance abuse issue that is causing harm to the family or themselves refuses help), is better than getting a divorce. I give you props for being so dedicated, but please don't lump all of us who are divorced into one category. I was drowning in my marriage and so depressed I was barely alive. Yet, I would have stayed. Not healthy on any level for me or my kids, but that was my reality.

Relationships of any type take work. I don't care what anyone says. People change, and their views on life change as we age and face new situations and circumstances. When you are in a marriage or long-term committed relationship, if you don't do the maintenance, there is a high chance it's going to fail. I was not blameless in my marriage ending; we all have areas we can improve upon, but my former husband was the one who chose to walk away and quit.

I have kids; I know that is a red flag to many. At my age, it would be a miracle to find someone who does not have kids. It makes me a bit sad to know that I am being dismissed by many for that reason, but I get it. I really do, as I know, most people I would want to date will also have kids, and that does scare me a bit. Blending families is a tough job, and its own beast. I often wonder if I am up for the challenge. I don't expect anyone I date to "raise" my kids or be their dad, but just as I would respect a relationship they have with their kids, I'd expect the same in return. If the person and my kids hit it off and have a "deeper" relationship, that is great, but I would never push that one someone. I just want them all to like each other enough to be able to spend time together without drama, but that doesn't mean they have to have a deep bond. Hope that makes sense.

I wish anyone looking for someone the best of luck; it is a jungle out there.

 

[Chili327]

@frog3101 Excellent points!!
And FWIW, I love Pineapple & Pepperoni Pizza.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

View attachment 825498
Just a little humor...I personally don't care for pineapple on my pizza, but would still consider dating someone who does. Brave, I know. LOL

To be a bit more serious, @Buzz Rules, I can respect your religion and whatever set of dealbreakers/rules you have for dating or not dating someone. I want to point out that not everyone who is divorced chooses to be divorced. I had zero choice. I was in my marriage for the long haul (emotional and mental abuse and all...which is another post altogether as to why I would stay with a narcissist who was/still is abusive and controlling...for those who have been there, they may understand, for those who have not, I hope you never have to understand.) I begged and pleaded to work on our marriage and to get counseling, went myself even when he refused. He filed, and I had no choice. Please don't think that just because someone is divorced, they chose it, or if they did choose it, it was because they just gave up. I do, for the most part, believe marriage is forever. However, when one person neglects to hold up the end of their vows or what their chosen religion (if there is a religious aspect) says marriage should be, things can get dicey quickly. Cheating, abuse, neglect, control, I can't see how any religion can say that is ok. Again, I am not knocking you, Buzz, or your religion; we all have different expectations, things we are willing to compromise on, and things we have a hard line drawn and won't cross. After all I have been through and after talking to leaders in my realm of spiritual/religious beliefs, I just can't understand how any religion, especially those that preach love above all, finds it acceptable for people to stay in marriages where abuse, cheating, addictiveness ( i.e., when a person who has a substance abuse issue that is causing harm to the family or themselves refuses help), is better than getting a divorce. I give you props for being so dedicated, but please don't lump all of us who are divorced into one category. I was drowning in my marriage and so depressed I was barely alive. Yet, I would have stayed. Not healthy on any level for me or my kids, but that was my reality.

Relationships of any type take work. I don't care what anyone says. People change, and their views on life change as we age and face new situations and circumstances. When you are in a marriage or long-term committed relationship, if you don't do the maintenance, there is a high chance it's going to fail. I was not blameless in my marriage ending; we all have areas we can improve upon, but my former husband was the one who chose to walk away and quit.

I have kids; I know that is a red flag to many. At my age, it would be a miracle to find someone who does not have kids. It makes me a bit sad to know that I am being dismissed by many for that reason, but I get it. I really do, as I know, most people I would want to date will also have kids, and that does scare me a bit. Blending families is a tough job, and its own beast. I often wonder if I am up for the challenge. I don't expect anyone I date to "raise" my kids or be their dad, but just as I would respect a relationship they have with their kids, I'd expect the same in return. If the person and my kids hit it off and have a "deeper" relationship, that is great, but I would never push that one someone. I just want them all to like each other enough to be able to spend time together without drama, but that doesn't mean they have to have a deep bond. Hope that makes sense.

I wish anyone looking for someone the best of luck; it is a jungle out there.

Thank you for such a raw and personal post. I relate to more of it than I'd like to share here but I think that you raise very good points about people who are divorced. I would suspect, and this is not a knock against @Buzz Rules , but I think that they may be an experience differential here. When someone says flat out that they won't date a divorced person, I suspect that the person may be fairly naive or inexperienced with the dating world as a whole. There are LOTS of interesting people out there, including those who are divorced.

 

[goofyernmost]

Just wanted to throw it out there that there are more than 2 candidates on a ballot.

I don't see how that matters to couples. It still is a conflicting choice. It might seem to favor the odd number of names on the ballot, but it doesn't decrease anyone. Nothing really moves at all just one more vote for each, but the third party wasn't going to get their vote anyway. They still have to have a majority to win.

 

[Chili327]

I don't see how that matters to couples. It still is a conflicting choice. It might seem to favor the odd number of names on the ballot, but it doesn't decrease anyone. Nothing really moves at all just one more vote for each, but the third party wasn't going to get their vote anyway. They still have to have a majority to win.

If one of the people within a couple was to vote "other" & the other one vote red or blue it most certainly makes a difference and does not cancel each other out.

 

[disykat]

I'm not talking about the general over all public, I'm talking about one household and one relationship. It will not affect the outcome if both are going to vote differently and they know it so in that singular case it really doesn't matter, I won't change or create anything. They will cancel each others vote out and one will be left feeling happy and the other will not. Never a good thing in a relationship.

As for the nation, of course it is important that every one vote so that the outcome will make a difference and a majority will be successful. But even if there are thousands of individual household couples that will be voting the opposite of each, their not voting will not change the outcome of it. In an election it is not the quantity of votes cast it is the difference between two votes that elect someone.

It is absolutely important that everyone have the opportunity to vote and it is the diversity of those people that creates the majority. Two exact opposite votes do not affect the outcome. Only the contrast of the votes matter. If two are going to vote the opposite of each other it will only affect the number of total votes cast not the winner. It isn't about anyone denying the rights of others to vote. I'm not sure why that offended you. I never said that those that want to vote should be denied that right, I'm just pointing out the mechanical reality of the system. (+1)+(-1)= 0

It's not YOU or your right to your opinion I find offensive, but I just totally disagree. I think voting is just so incredibly important and find it hard to fathom anyone over 18 not exercising that right.

I know that my husband and I don't ALWAYS cancel out each other's votes, but that we do at times. I don't care if the only vote we agree on is for the local coroner, we will both always vote. It's that important.

Not just you, but I find it interesting on this thread that some people are assuming that when I (or anyone else who has said the same) say that they don't always agree politically with their spouse, they jump to conclusions that we're talking about the #1 current divisive situation. Certainly isn't the case in our situation. We may not be agreeing on the same candidate at this point, but we still won't be just canceling out each other's vote. There are also other races and other issues.

I just saw above that Chili327 was addressing this. I replied before continuing down the thread!

 

[Buzz Rules]

View attachment 825498
Just a little humor...I personally don't care for pineapple on my pizza, but would still consider dating someone who does. Brave, I know. LOL

To be a bit more serious, @Buzz Rules, I can respect your religion and whatever set of dealbreakers/rules you have for dating or not dating someone. I want to point out that not everyone who is divorced chooses to be divorced. I had zero choice. I was in my marriage for the long haul (emotional and mental abuse and all...which is another post altogether as to why I would stay with a narcissist who was/still is abusive and controlling...for those who have been there, they may understand, for those who have not, I hope you never have to understand.) I begged and pleaded to work on our marriage and to get counseling, went myself even when he refused. He filed, and I had no choice. Please don't think that just because someone is divorced, they chose it, or if they did choose it, it was because they just gave up. I do, for the most part, believe marriage is forever. However, when one person neglects to hold up the end of their vows or what their chosen religion (if there is a religious aspect) says marriage should be, things can get dicey quickly. Cheating, abuse, neglect, control, I can't see how any religion can say that is ok. Again, I am not knocking you, Buzz, or your religion; we all have different expectations, things we are willing to compromise on, and things we have a hard line drawn and won't cross. After all I have been through and after talking to leaders in my realm of spiritual/religious beliefs, I just can't understand how any religion, especially those that preach love above all, finds it acceptable for people to stay in marriages where abuse, cheating, addictiveness ( i.e., when a person who has a substance abuse issue that is causing harm to the family or themselves refuses help), is better than getting a divorce. I give you props for being so dedicated, but please don't lump all of us who are divorced into one category. I was drowning in my marriage and so depressed I was barely alive. Yet, I would have stayed. Not healthy on any level for me or my kids, but that was my reality.

Relationships of any type take work. I don't care what anyone says. People change, and their views on life change as we age and face new situations and circumstances. When you are in a marriage or long-term committed relationship, if you don't do the maintenance, there is a high chance it's going to fail. I was not blameless in my marriage ending; we all have areas we can improve upon, but my former husband was the one who chose to walk away and quit.

I have kids; I know that is a red flag to many. At my age, it would be a miracle to find someone who does not have kids. It makes me a bit sad to know that I am being dismissed by many for that reason, but I get it. I really do, as I know, most people I would want to date will also have kids, and that does scare me a bit. Blending families is a tough job, and its own beast. I often wonder if I am up for the challenge. I don't expect anyone I date to "raise" my kids or be their dad, but just as I would respect a relationship they have with their kids, I'd expect the same in return. If the person and my kids hit it off and have a "deeper" relationship, that is great, but I would never push that one someone. I just want them all to like each other enough to be able to spend time together without drama, but that doesn't mean they have to have a deep bond. Hope that makes sense.

I wish anyone looking for someone the best of luck; it is a jungle out there.

I totally understand what you are saying and respect that. In those circumstances, my faith would consider the marriage annulled (anything that violates the marriage vows or egregious immoral can invalidate the marriage's legitimacy faith based wise). Obviously, it's a more complicated process for religious people in general but my faith does not believe people in an abusive relationship have to stay together. I don't judge anyone divorced (civil or religiously based). I know there is a story behind each divorce, I just know 99 percent of the time most don't want to be involved with divorced people (rightly or wrongly). For the record, I am truly sorry you went through that in your marriage.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I totally understand what you are saying and respect that. In those circumstances, my faith would consider the marriage annulled (anything that violates the marriage vows or egregious immoral can invalidate the marriage's legitimacy faith based wise). Obviously, it's a more complicated process for religious people in general but my faith does not believe people in an abusive relationship have to stay together. I don't judge anyone divorced (civil or religiously based). I know there is a story behind each divorce, I just know 99 percent of the time most don't want to be involved with divorced people (rightly or wrongly). For the record, I am truly sorry you went through that in your marriage.

If I said by excluding divorced people you are potentially missing out on the relationship of a lifetime (my wife married me and I'm a pretty cool fella), I would assume that you would point out that I'm doing the same by excluding religious people (except non-observant Jews - they are my exception). But I'm genuinely curious, I assume you're single (and looking otherwise you wouldn't ask for so much dating advice here) so are you more willing to stay alone and not compromise on your list at all (except for soccer). America is becoming more and more secular, so I imagine that it would become much harder to find a mate given your stringent criteria (unless, like I suggested, you date someone from your church).

 

[Buzz Rules]

If I said by excluding divorced people you are potentially missing out on the relationship of a lifetime (my wife married me and I'm a pretty cool fella), I would assume that you would point out that I'm doing the same by excluding religious people (except non-observant Jews - they are my exception). But I'm genuinely curious, I assume you're single (and looking otherwise you wouldn't ask for so much dating advice here) so are you more willing to stay alone and not compromise on your list at all (except for soccer). America is becoming more and more secular, so I imagine that it would become much harder to find a mate given your stringent criteria (unless, like I suggested, you date someone from your church).

I'm not opposed to dating/marrying a non-Roman Catholic woman, my parents are of mixed faith families. If I dated/married a secular person who was supportive of me practicing my faith and open to allowing our future kids to learn about my faith, there would be no issue. My "rules" aren't restrictive based but more of guidelines of respect and tolerance. Roman Catholicism is still growing in the world and immigrants from those countries are still coming to the USA. In 1000 years, (assuming global warming or WW3 hasn't ended us) I believe the RC church will still exist in the USA. Call me foolish but my faith is not going away anytime soon.

 

[goofyernmost]

It's not YOU or your right to your opinion I find offensive, but I just totally disagree. I think voting is just so incredibly important and find it hard to fathom anyone over 18 not exercising that right.

I know that my husband and I don't ALWAYS cancel out each other's votes, but that we do at times. I don't care if the only vote we agree on is for the local coroner, we will both always vote. It's that important.

Not just you, but I find it interesting on this thread that some people are assuming that when I (or anyone else who has said the same) say that they don't always agree politically with their spouse, they jump to conclusions that we're talking about the #1 current divisive situation. Certainly isn't the case in our situation. We may not be agreeing on the same candidate at this point, but we still won't be just canceling out each other's vote. There are also other races and other issues.

I just saw above that Chili327 was addressing this. I replied before continuing down the thread!

Well, that is a whole different thing that what I was talking about. The mechanics is still true and mostly for a two person race, but it still becomes a stagnant thing if anyone, not just a couple votes. It is the total quantity of votes for a single person that elects them.

For example, lets say there are two candidates on a ballet and the husband votes for candidate A and the wife votes for candidate B then they have cancelled each other out. The only difference is that if they didn't then vote each candidate would have one less vote. The only time that it would matter would be in a very close election. where both sides received one more vote than the other, that single vote would win the election. It is which of the two candidates receives the majority of the votes.

We were discussing how much stress that could put on a relationship, especially if both voters were emotionally committed to their candidate. One of them is going to have their candidate lose and the other is going to have an emotional high of winning. It can be a deal breaker in a relationship. I know of two couples that have actually split up because of their strong political opinions. So my theory is if one knows that their significant other is voting against their strong desire it will cause problems and not really make a difference in the outcome of the election.

In the event of more than one candidate, no matter if it is candidate A, B or C and the couple knows that they are not voting for the same person they then one has a possibility of going for the winner but it is also possible that they both do not get their candidate. Then at least they can both say, will it wasn't my fault because I didn't vote for the person that won. This is less risky and it might change the fortune of one of those three that are running, but it isn't likely to make either one a winner. Again the election would have to be nose to nose to make any difference and the outcome can legally be determined by less than 51% vote. If it is less than it wouldn't really matter. I suppose it would matter more in its connection with the Electoral College even though that itself is a lousy way to run an election.

That all said, it is just my thoughts of how voting mathematically works and I don't want it misunderstood that I think people shouldn't vote. I believe strongly that everyone should vote but we were talking about red flags and disagreement like that in a relationship, especially in our current political state of mind, can be disasterous for any relationship. And I have to say that the political climate in this country is at an all time explosive high. More anger than I have ever seen in all my years of voting. It has cause families and couples to have so much anxiety that nerves are frayed and compatibility gets really shacky. Not everyone, but far more than I have seen in the past.

 

[kyton]

After reading all the posts two things I know for sure (a) thank goodness I’ve been with my husband since 1989 and (b) should something ever happen in our marriage I will happily remain single for the rest of my days.

 

[mjkacmom]

When DW and I first started dating I had come to a realization that I shared with her; When people are dating, they are basically lying to one another. You dress nicer than you normally do, you express interest in things that don't really interest you, you show off wealth you don't necessarily have by paying for dates and gifts - all of that and so much more. We informally established a ground rule; you keep your friends and family and keep doing the things that are important to you, and be honest - if you don't like something, say so. If the relationship works, great, if not, no hard feelings, It wasn't ever really going to work anyway. It worked for us.

I always say to start to learn about who a person really is around the one year mark, and loving someone means wanting to be with them in spite of their faults. I started dating my husband over 35 years ago, and that first year yes, I went camping.

 

[ronandannette]

After reading all the posts two things I know for sure (a) thank goodness I’ve been with my husband since 1989 and (b) should something ever happen in our marriage I will happily remain single for the rest of my days.

I've seen several stats about remarriage after widowhood. Apparently very happily-married men look for another spouse quickly, wanting to maintain that aspect of their lives. Happily-married women? Not near so much...

 

[mjkacmom]

It’s weird. The generation below mine is waiting so long for everything. For example I had both kids by 27 but my kids are in their 30’s and no sign that I will ever have more than a grand puppy!

I had my oldest in 1996 (a year after we got married), only a couple of friends had kids that early (we were 29). My oldest will turn 28 this year, has a handful of very recently married friends, none have kids or even talk about having kids. Oh, and our #1 was an oops, never thought we’d be having kids before 30!

 

[mjkacmom]

I've seen several stats about remarriage after widowhood. Apparently very happily-married men look for another spouse quickly, wanting to maintain that aspect of their lives. Happily-married women? Not near so much...

And from what I’ve learned from divorced friends/family, if the man asks for a divorce, he’s already got his replacement. My sister has been divorced for about 7 years, dates a lot, says she will never marry again (financially in a very good place), Her ex is living with her replacement. In every situation I know about, there has always been another woman.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I've seen several stats about remarriage after widowhood. Apparently very happily-married men look for another spouse quickly, wanting to maintain that aspect of their lives. Happily-married women? Not near so much...

Very true! My 92 year old father-in-law has been a widower for over a year now. He's very active in his community and is, as we say in our house....he's on the prowl . He's lonely and would like a companion. He talks often about his next door neighbor who is an attractive early 80-something. She lost the love of her life ten years back, but now has filled her life with a group of lady friends, also widows. They have cocktail parties, travel together...etc. He knows she's not interested in dating, and this stumps him...lol. We told him that she's in a different place....that he shouldn't take it personally.

Anyway, he's now joining new clubs to try and find a friend as he hasn't found one to suit him in the bowling league, bocci team, or in the Jersey City or Hudson County club. So...he's joining the Irish Club, which made us chuckle because he's 100% Italian. We asked him if you had to be Irish, but he said, "No, they'll let anyone in, you just have to like Irish people." Gotta give him credit though....he hasn't dated in 72 years. He met my MIL when she was 17 and he was 20.

 

[mjkacmom]

Very true! My 92 year old father-in-law has been a widower for over a year now. He's very active in his community and is, as we say in our house....he's on the prowl . He's lonely and would like a companion. He talks often about his next door neighbor who is an attractive early 80-something. She lost the love of her life ten years back, but now has filled her life with a group of lady friends, also widows. They have cocktail parties, travel together...etc. He knows she's not interested in dating, and this stumps him...lol. We told him that she's in a different place....that he shouldn't take it personally.

Anyway, he's now joining new clubs to try and find a friend as he hasn't found one to suit him in the bowling league, bocci team, or in the Jersey City or Hudson County club. So...he's joining the Irish Club, which made us chuckle because he's 100% Italian. We asked him if you had to be Irish, but he said, "No, they'll let anyone in, you just have to like Irish people." Gotta give him credit though....he hasn't dated in 72 years. He met my MIL when she was 17 and he was 20.

My FIL just passed at 96, leaving behind a 95 year old widow. He was an incredible man, so involved in everything until he passed, wake and funeral were full. He met his second wife through the Catholic Church (both were widowed and were married to each other 40 years). My entire family on my mom’s side lived in Jersey City, my grandmother was the last (all Irish). We have in town Irish and Italian clubs here, plus the Italians seem to join the Elks while the Irish seem to prefer the knights of Columbus. I think if your dad was in assisted living he’d have a very active social life!