Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[del12]

I you aren’t happy alone you will never be happy.

I don't want to be alone in life. I still at least want to be married someday. I'm 35 and fifteen years ago when I moved into my own apartment and returned to college I had a lot of hope that I would be married and have kids later on. It hasn't happend and hurts like hell when I see others being married and having families. At one point, I even considered trying to adopt as a single parent, but then I realize it would be hard to find lawyers, agencies, and social workers willing to work with a single disabled man in a wheelchair.

 

[del12]

You.
Need.
To.
Tell
Your.
Friends.

Duds, you are 100% refusing to accept suggestions from numerous posters to get therapy or counseling. You. Are. Depressed. I'm saying this with no training or expertise.

You WANT to feel sorry for yourself. You WANT sympathy, even pity.

What don't you want? To help yourself.

Like I said before, I'm not to going to beg to be in friends' weddings.

I've tried to help myself in the past but getting professional pictures taken for datin site pictures, I tried to get stem cell surgery overseas to possibly improve my physical condition, and other things . I went to college so I could get a good paying job which I have. I do help myself. But, I'm not going go through the stigma of seeing a therapist and making myself only look more weak.

 

[Wendy1985]

I believe she meant she has "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt" referring to dealing with depression.

It's an expression: "been there, done that, have the [souvenir] t-shirt [to prove it]" .

Thank you both for explaining it

 

[Wendy1985]

Like I said before, I'm not to going to beg to be in friends' weddings.

I've tried to help myself in the past but getting professional pictures taken for datin site pictures, I tried to get stem cell surgery overseas to possibly improve my physical condition, and other things . I went to college so I could get a good paying job which I have. I do help myself. But, I'm not going go through the stigma of seeing a therapist and making myself only look more weak.

I dont know were you live but were I live it is a lot more accepting then it was in the past

 

[fly girl]

@del12, I learned this phrase a long time ago and it has served me well ... only you can create your own happiness.

You can be miserable. Or you can motivate yourself to improving. It is up to you on what action you want to take.

Sure, I believe there are women out there that won't date you due to your disability. Just like there were men out there that wouldn't date me because I was too short. Why waste your time on them, they are not the right ones. I have no doubt there is a woman out there looking for love and doesn't care if it is with someone in a wheelchair. All women are not shallow. We can see past a chair, but YOU have to let us. You have to generate a positive attitude that attracts women. By your posts on this thread I don't see you emanating a positive attitude. Sure, you could be down in the dumps and wanting to vent on here, but that only goes so far. Nothing gets changed.

You want change in your life ... DO IT! Be an active participant. Get out there. Quit wallowing in self pity. If you can't dig yourself out, then please seek help. No shame in that. None at all.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I was going to get snarky about how you don't want to be involved in a wedding anyway, but I think groomsmen have probably the easiest job, honestly.

So, anyway, that sucks.

 

[piccolopat]

I don't care if being in a wedding party is expensive and time consuming. I just wanted for once to be one of the favorites in the group who gets to be a part of their day and not stuck watching from the pews or chairs.

One thing that you might not be considering is that one of the roles of the groomsmen is to escort guests down the aisle to their seats. You friends may not think that is easy or possible for you. How about talking to them and express a desire to participate in some other meaningful way to honor your friendship?

 

[KayMichigan]

Just contact your friend and ask if there's anything you can do to help with the wedding. You're offering, not begging. He might have a great suggestion and that way you'll be involved.

 

[nkereina]

I don't care if being in a wedding party is expensive and time consuming. I just wanted for once to be one of the favorites in the group who gets to be a part of their day and not stuck watching from the pews or chairs.

I understand. I was just trying to help mitigate the hurt for you. Being in a wedding is not always what it's cracked up to be.

Some of your replies take on a defensive tone. But, you posted here to vent I assume, and if you've been around the Dis, you should know that opinions on certain matters will run across the full spectrum. I think people here have given you some valid ideas and perspectives. If you're not interested in changing the situation and just wanted to vent, then so be it, but don't feel like you need to repeatedly defend your position then.

 

[Heather07438]

I used to be hopeful about life, but in the past few years it's hard to have hope when most of my friends are married and having families and I'm not there. It's hard being behind everyone else in a lot of things. It's hard to be happy when you want to be married and have kids, but can't because not many women are willing to marry someone who is disabled.

I go on vacations and do things. I do adaptive skiing in the winter, wheelchair basketball during the fall and winter. I'm happy when i do those things but it hurts when I have to go home to an empty house at the end of the day or at night. Being alone is what hurts me a lot in addition to being left out of major events.

It's great to hear that you already get out because it's a solid base to branch out from. As the years pass, we can get stuck in comfortable. Try mixing it up and adding new things that aren't comfortable. That's the point. If you're basically doing the same stuff for 5 or 10 yrs, expand your horizons. Feeding your soul gives fuel to other areas of your life.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I don't want to be alone in life. I still at least want to be married someday. I'm 35 and fifteen years ago when I moved into my own apartment and returned to college I had a lot of hope that I would be married and have kids later on. It hasn't happend and hurts like hell when I see others being married and having families.

I'll just point out there are those of us (me included) who didn't marry until 40 and still had kids. You have time.

And, I'm in the "get a therapist" camp.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I can't see myself having a good time at the wedding because it will just be depressing for a number of reasons one being that I'm not married either and I will be sad seeing other friends in the wedding party having fun and being honored by the bride and groom. It's more about always being left out and time has pretty much run out as I don't see any remaining unmarried friends or relatives asking me to be in their weddings if they were to get married.

The wedding isn’t about you or the bridal party.
It’s about the couple.
If you can’t get past that I would stay home.

 

[Kitty 34]

OP, so sorry you're feeling down about your friend's upcoming wedding. But it sounds like you are depressed on a whole different level then just feeling left out. You said you don't want to to go to a therapist because they wouldn't understand what you're going thru (with your disability I assume) so why not try a forum with other disabled people who probably can relate with you on many things. I know we have one right here on the DIS. Good luck to you.

 

[cabanafrau]

Like I said before, I'm not to going to beg to be in friends' weddings.

I've tried to help myself in the past but getting professional pictures taken for datin site pictures, I tried to get stem cell surgery overseas to possibly improve my physical condition, and other things . I went to college so I could get a good paying job which I have. I do help myself. But, I'm not going go through the stigma of seeing a therapist and making myself only look more weak.

Seeking treatment for an emotional ailment is no more weak than seeking treatment for a physical one. It's a lot of work and will likely strengthen you.

As far as saying you've gotten out and done fun things, enjoyed them and yet still find yourself alone, consider putting yourself out there in different ways where you will meet different pools of people. Volunteering for causes you're interested in will give you less time to wallow and might give you a chance to be out there doing stuff with and meeting people who have common interests to your own. Even if you only wind up making more friends, that's a win. It will get you farther than bitter wallowing ever will.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't want to be alone in life. I still at least want to be married someday. I'm 35 and fifteen years ago when I moved into my own apartment and returned to college I had a lot of hope that I would be married and have kids later on. It hasn't happend and hurts like hell when I see others being married and having families. At one point, I even considered trying to adopt as a single parent, but then I realize it would be hard to find lawyers, agencies, and social workers willing to work with a single disabled man in a wheelchair.

If you aren’t happy, you will not find love. Finding a partner and having kids isn’t a given. I have a good friend who is pretty, smart, funny and kind, 53 and still single. It’s not where she saw herself, but she is happy, maybe with some regrets.

 

[Wendy1985]

OP, so sorry you're feeling down about your friend's upcoming wedding. But it sounds like you are depressed on a whole different level then just feeling left out. You said you don't want to to go to a therapist because they wouldn't understand what you're going thru (with your disability I assume) so why not try a forum with other disabled people who probably can relate with you on many things. I know we have one right here on the DIS. Good luck to you.

I have several disabilities and I think my councilor understands me just fine

 

[del12]

One thing that you might not be considering is that one of the roles of the groomsmen is to escort guests down the aisle to their seats. You friends may not think that is easy or possible for you. How about talking to them and express a desire to participate in some other meaningful way to honor your friendship?

I think you are confusing groomsmen with ushers. Most of the weddings I've been to have two ushers(who aren't groomsmen) who escort people to their seats.

 

[del12]

If you aren’t happy, you will not find love. Finding a partner and having kids isn’t a given. I have a good friend who is pretty, smart, funny and kind, 53 and still single. It’s not where she saw herself, but she is happy, maybe with some regrets.

I don't want to be that age and not married. I could probably deal with not having kids. But, I don't want to die alone.

 

[VandVsmama]

Like I said before, I'm not to going to beg to be in friends' weddings.

I've tried to help myself in the past but getting professional pictures taken for datin site pictures, I tried to get stem cell surgery overseas to possibly improve my physical condition, and other things . I went to college so I could get a good paying job which I have. I do help myself. But, I'm not going go through the stigma of seeing a therapist and making myself only look more weak.

I'm not sure where you're from and you don't have to tell us, but here in the US when it comes to therapy, there's patient/client confidentiality. No one HAS to know that you'd be going to therapy unless you told them. And the therapist isn't allowed to tell others you are seeing him or her. It's similar to medical information privacy.

In my personal opinion, I think it takes a pretty wise person to recognize that they need help and go seek out help in the form of a support group, talk therapy, etc. If you personally feel that there's a stigma to seeing a therapist and if you feel that it makes you look weak, that's really unfortunate. Just because somebody goes to see a therapist doesn't mean you have to go forever. Many times, it's just on a temporary basis to help one sort through some things.

You probably have a lot of experience navigating through the minefield of medical doctors, how to find a good specialist who can help treat your spinal injury medical problems. You could apply that same sort of problem-solving skill set to this other area of life.

I'm sorry that it's so frustrating. I'm sorry that you feel like you'd be less of a man if you went to therapy. If other people in your life are giving you a hard time about that, then, well, they need to get a grip.

A "real man" recognizes when he has a problem...and if he feels that he could benefit from some talk therapy, then he'd go and do that. And he'd tell the naysayers in his life to go pound sand if they don't like it. A guy with a chip on his shoulder: (a) recognizes that he could use some therapy; (b) refuses to go because 'what will people say'; (c) refuses to go because he thinks he'll look weak; and (d) continues to wallow in self-pity and misery.

YOU have the power to do something about this. You are a strong individual. Look at how much you've been through. You can do it! Happiness comes from within. Having a spouse won't necessarily make things better...or worse.

You know what? My sister is 45 years old. She's never been married. She'd love to get married some day, but has kissed a lot of frogs and never quite found her prince. She's been to and been in MANY weddings of friends over the years. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. A month ago, she got a dog. And she said since getting the dog, she's been the most content that she's been in a long time. It's gotten her out of her comfort zone. She's met new people while walking the dog every day. She loves it.

My advice, if you want it, is to start with a dog. Better yet, get a certified therapy dog if possible and then your furry companion can go with you literally everywhere.

Take care, my friend. Best wishes to you. And I totally understand being bummed about no WDW trips. We were supposed to go to DL in March. It got postponed to April, May, June. Now I'm just hoping to be able to go in July. It's frustrating. We had another summer trip planned that we had to postpone to next March. Everyone in my household has cabin fever in a bad way! Totally understand how you probably feel about that!

 

[mjkacmom]

I think you are confusing groomsmen with ushers. Most of the weddings I've been to have two ushers(who aren't groomsmen) who escort people to their seats.

Every wedding I’ve ever been to (including mine) have the groomsmen as ushers.