Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[del12]

A close friend of mine is getting married in December. They finally made plans on who's going to be in their wedding party and I'm not in it. I know wedding parties are stressful and cost money. I've never had the experience and I suspect the reason I get left out of this stuff is in large part because I'm disabled and use a wheelchair. I know it's sounds ridiculous that I'm upset, but it just hurts that I'm never really good enough to be a part of major events in the lives of friends and relatives. I'm just tired of being nobody's favorite friend, nobody's favorite brother, nobody's favorite nephew, nobody's favorite cousin etc. I understand that everyone gets left out in life, but for me it has never been my time to get included in anything. I'm also feeling down as upcoming trips to WDW and to Mexico have put on hold and I really could use some getaways to clear my head.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I don't know what to say, except, "I'm sorry".

 

[QueenIsabella]

Um, you may be reading way too much into this. Back in the Stone Age, my BFF and I were getting married, three weeks apart. She was in my wedding. I was supposed to be in hers, but it ended up that she had to buy the dresses RIGHT NOW, and she couldn't reach me (pre-cell phone). So, she made the decision to cut me out of the wedding party. She probably did me a favor--her wedding was the weekend after we got back form our honeymoon. Plus, she had 3 sisters and a SIL to include, it's not like the altar looked barren. I went to her wedding, had a good time, and we're still BFFs, 33 years later.

If it would make you feel better, you can talk to your friend, but only if you can do it without the self-pity or a layer of guilt. It's okay to make a self-pitying post here--I get that you're hurt--but you don't get to convey that to the bride, who may have had a dozen considerations that never entered your mind. Put a big, fake smile on your face if you have to, and try to sound sincere when you wish her well.

 

[del12]

Um, you may be reading way too much into this. Back in the Stone Age, my BFF and I were getting married, three weeks apart. She was in my wedding. I was supposed to be in hers, but it ended up that she had to buy the dresses RIGHT NOW, and she couldn't reach me (pre-cell phone). So, she made the decision to cut me out of the wedding party. She probably did me a favor--her wedding was the weekend after we got back form our honeymoon. Plus, she had 3 sisters and a SIL to include, it's not like the altar looked barren. I went to her wedding, had a good time, and we're still BFFs, 33 years later.

If it would make you feel better, you can talk to your friend, but only if you can do it without the self-pity or a layer of guilt. It's okay to make a self-pitying post here--I get that you're hurt--but you don't get to convey that to the bride, who may have had a dozen considerations that never entered your mind. Put a big, fake smile on your face if you have to, and try to sound sincere when you wish her well.

I'm friends with the groom, not the bride. I should have put that in my original post. I'm just hurt that I never gotten to be a groomsman at least one time. I 've always gotten envious and jealous of friends who get to almost always be in weddings and get to be a part of bachelor or joint with bachelorette parties, wedding party get togethers tic.

 

[kymom99]

I have a nephew. He’s 37 years old and has a million friends. A very likable and social man. He went to many wedding and was never in one until finally his best friend got married. He is actually very close with the groom who is his best friend and the bride who is his cousin. He was best man in the wedding. My point here is you can have a lot of friends but sometimes logistics prohibit you from making the cut. I have only been in one friend wedding myself. The rest were relatives. God to the wedding and have a great time.

 

[del12]

I have a nephew. He’s 37 years old and has a million friends. A very likable and social man. He went to many wedding and was never in one until finally his best friend got married. He is actually very close with the groom who is his best friend and the bride who is his cousin. He was best man in the wedding. My point here is you can have a lot of friends but sometimes logistics prohibit you from making the cut. I have only been in one friend wedding myself. The rest were relatives. God to the wedding and have a great time.

I can't see myself having a good time at the wedding because it will just be depressing for a number of reasons one being that I'm not married either and I will be sad seeing other friends in the wedding party having fun and being honored by the bride and groom. It's more about always being left out and time has pretty much run out as I don't see any remaining unmarried friends or relatives asking me to be in their weddings if they were to get married.

 

[low-key]

I hope they get a divorce

 

[spiders]

If he's a really close friend and if it really important to you then maybe you should just talk to him and tell him how you would really like the opportunity to be a groomsman.

You suspect it's because of your wheelchair but you don't know. He might be horrified to know that you feel you are excluding him. Maybe he just thought you wouldn't want to do it. Maybe he doesn't want you in the wedding party, maybe he didn't think of it, maybe he'll add a spot for you. But if you don't talk to him then you'll never know. No point in beating yourself up thinking about "why" when there is still an opportunity to ask.

 

[del12]

If he's a really close friend and if it really important to you then maybe you should just talk to him and tell him how you would really like the opportunity to be a groomsman.

You suspect it's because of your wheelchair but you don't know. He might be horrified to know that you feel you are excluding him. Maybe he just thought you wouldn't want to do it. Maybe he doesn't want you in the wedding party, maybe he didn't think of it, maybe he'll add a spot for you. But if you don't talk to him then you'll never know. No point in beating yourself up thinking about "why" when there is still an opportunity to ask.

I'm not going to beg him for a role in the wedding. It would be too embarrassing for me to talk him and admit that I'm feeling left out. I have told him in the past(years before he was even with his fiancee) that I was about never being a ring bearer in weddings as kid for relatives' wedding and that I was really upset and hurt when my brother left me out of his wedding in addition to always being left out of weddings for various friends and relatives. It's not that I wanted to be in every wedding, I just wanted to be in one wedding at least once to know that I really matter to at least one friend or relative.

 

[disneychrista]

I'm not going to beg him for a role in the wedding. It would be too embarrassing for me to talk him and admit that I'm feeling left out.

That's too bad that you don't feel you can talk to him and let him know that you are feeling left out. Obviously you shouldn't beg to be included. But a simple "Hey John, I'm disappointed that you didn't include me in your wedding" isn't begging. Maybe all the other groomsmen are cousins. Maybe there are only 3 bridesmaids and they just don't have room for another groomsmen.

BTW - I can top you. I have never even been invited to ATTEND a wedding.

 

[del12]

That's too bad that you don't feel you can talk to him and let him know that you are feeling left out. Obviously you shouldn't beg to be included. But a simple "Hey John, I'm disappointed that you didn't include me in your wedding" isn't begging. Maybe all the other groomsmen are cousins. Maybe there are only 3 bridesmaids and they just don't have room for another groomsmen.

BTW - I can top you. I have never even been invited to ATTEND a wedding.

He's having five groomsmen and a best man. They are all friends. He doesn't have siblings and his parents are immigrants and most of his relatives live in Germany. His fiancee is having a maid of honor and five bridesmaids

 

[QueenIsabella]

My advice still stands. You have no way of knowing what the decision process was. Heck, there are grooms who hardly get a say in their own weddings. There may have been other issues at play--you just have no way of knowing.

Honestly, it sounds to me like there's a lot more of your personal baggage affecting your reaction to what is, in the general scheme of things, a minor thing. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about your overall feelings--like you'll never get married, you're always excluded, and so forth. It seems like you could use a little help, sorting through your feelings. I mean that in the nicest way possible--sometimes an objective eye can help you see that you're overreacting. Or not--but you still have to learn to deal with the circumstances in front of you.

 

[disneychrista]

He's having five groomsmen and a best man. They are all friends. He doesn't have siblings and his parents are immigrants and most of his relatives live in Germany. His fiancee is having a maid of honor and five bridesmaids

I still say you should talk to your friend.

 

[del12]

My advice still stands. You have no way of knowing what the decision process was. Heck, there are grooms who hardly get a say in their own weddings. There may have been other issues at play--you just have no way of knowing.

Honestly, it sounds to me like there's a lot more of your personal baggage affecting your reaction to what is, in the general scheme of things, a minor thing. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about your overall feelings--like you'll never get married, you're always excluded, and so forth. It seems like you could use a little help, sorting through your feelings. I mean that in the nicest way possible--sometimes an objective eye can help you see that you're overreacting. Or not--but you still have to learn to deal with the circumstances in front of you.

I'm not overreacting. Trying putting yourself in my situation. You get left out since childhood and always have to see others getting picked to be in weddings, funeral pallbearers, and other major events. After awhile it hurts especially once you suffer a major injury that leaves you disabled for the rest of your life and that disability is turn off to a lot of people. I'm not overreacting about this.

 

[Jennasis]

Whether or not you are overreacting is irrelevant. You are clearly affected in a profound way that sounds a lot like you would benefit by speaking to someone about your feelings. A therapist can help you sort through it all.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Just want to say how sorry I feel for you OP.....

 

[FigmentSpark]

The only wedding I was ever asked to be in (besides, of course, my own) was my sister's. And she spent most of the time on her day elsewhere, not with me. So I was just the placeholder. She's my sister, so I don't hold any grudges, but at the time, I was hurt.

Given things are settled up and you aren't interested in asking why (I get it, no one wants to be that person), why not offer to do a speech about the groom? I know that's often left to the best man, but there could be two.

I have a dear (male) friend that was not included in our wedding party, but I had him give the speech my maid of honor would have given (which was fine by her), so that I could honor that relationship. So if you think you are close enough to the groom, that might be a way to participate without making a big deal about being passed up for the wedding party.

Or, offer to be the master of ceremonies, if you think you're up to it.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

If you're really that bothered by it, I would talk to your friend. If you're close enough to feel left out, you should be close enough to say something to him.

If it makes you feel better our (male) cousin didn't ask my brother to be in his wedding (even though he was in my brother's), but the did ask my brother's wife to be in the wedding party, who they only knew through my brother. Talk about hurt feelings!

 

[Carol_]

Buy him one of the cheapest things on his gift registry. That’s the polite way to get back at him.

 

[okeydokey]

I’m so sorry. I feel your hurt and understand how you feel. It’s not just THIS wedding, it’s all the events. I am hearing that you don’t feel valued as a friend or relative. Do you have friends to share life with? Are there other groups you can join, shared interest groups or volunteer groups?