I am a big mean mom..

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Nope, you summed it up perfectly.


There's always threads here around Christmas filled with people saying that they count toothpaste and deodorant as Christmas presents. That's not something I do, but they're not my kids so it's not my business. If the thread asks specific questions I give my opinion.

I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, I'm the one who asked the questions. But, calling my parenting into question is just troll behaviour that gets ignored.

LOL. You were the original OP questioning your own "mean" parenting. Give your head a shake.

 

[lancermom]

@kimblebee Am I missing something? You said she can take her test and get her license, but she has to pay for it, right? And that you don't want her driving your car until she's more experienced? Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding any of that.

I'm baffled as to why you're getting such a strong push back. You haven't said you don't think she should drive at all, just that you're not paying for the expenses of it. People can disagree with that, but telling your child they have to pay for their own driving test/ license does not make you a bad parent. And not driving your car? If she has a job, can't she start putting money aside to save for her OWN car? I know plenty of parents who don't want their teens driving their cars, either because of how nice/expensive the car is, it's temperamental or not safe enough, or simply because if it gets wrecked (which happens too often with new drivers), then the parent is left without transportation to get to work, etc.

I just don't get some of these responses.

You can't get a license without actually learning how to drive. You can't get experience without adequate time behind the wheel. It's very difficult to do when you won't allow your kid to drive your car (and thus, you aren't taking your kid out to drive), and are relying on other people to do it with their cars. You just can't get adequate practice that way.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Every family is different. Some of you are making it sound like OP's daughter will never be able to practice driving unless OP lets her drive her car. That's ridiculous. My cousin recently got her license. Her mom didn't like taking her out to practice or having her drive her van, but there were plenty of other people in the family to take her out driving in their vehicles.

It's ridiculous to suggest that someone can't get adequate experience driving simply because one parent doesn't let the teen drive her car, when OP said there are others that will take her.

 

[Skippy918]

Can the OP have her daughter take driver's ed? Back in my day, this was a class offered in high school and it was driving instruction and classroom instruction. We took our road tests after the program finished. For me, it was much better going this route than having my parents teach me. My mom was overly paranoid and my dad got impatient easily.

 

[lancermom]

Many schools have eliminated drivers ed.

 

[ronandannette]

Can the OP have her daughter take driver's ed? Back in my day, this was a class offered in high school and it was driving instruction and classroom instruction. We took our road tests after the program finished. For me, it was much better going this route than having my parents teach me. My mom was overly paranoid and my dad got impatient easily.

Lord knows we tried to do our "duty" with our son. But the countless hours we spent in the car with him were kinda traumatic for all of us for exactly the reasons you mention. I was very nervous and over-reactive; I just couldn't help myself. To this day, it's impacted my comfort level as a passenger, no matter who's driving. Worst of all, it didn't turn DS into a competent driver - it took a professional instructor to do that.

 

[goofy4prez]

My daughter is going to be 17 in a few weeks and she has all of a sudden decided she wants to get her drivers licence.

She asked if I would pay for her beginners and test and I said no. To me, driving is an option, not a necessity and I think she should start to have to pay for things.

We still pay for her cell phone and any other expenses she has. She does have a job and pays for her clothes but that's because she is a shoe and clothing horse. She has sooo many clothes lol

Also, if she drives our car after she gets her license she won't have to pay for insurance because our insurance covers the car, not the driver. We'd maybe ask for gas money once in a while.

In all honesty, I don't want her driving our car at all. It's old, held together by rust and is very powerful. I always think of it as a boys car because it does have a ton of power lol

To practice driving, my dad and one of my brothers has offered to take her out in their cars.

So, am I a meanie?

Speaking as someone who in the past has spent years in the insurance business including owning my own agency with a large company (Good Hands, LOL) for many of those years, you are only partially correct here. You are correct, insurance follows the car not the driver. An example is lending your car to a friend to run down to the store. But once your insurance company finds out your daughter has her license (and they will find out), they will make you add her to the policy. The reason for this is they want to collect their premium based on the risk they are insuring. Right or wrong, it's how it's done.

As for the boys car and a ton of power... I'm not even going to touch that one at all. LOL

 

[AppleDumpling]

Didn't read all posts but answered your poll. We paid and never gave it a thought; it was just part of raising a child. However, I respect your right as a parent to make a different choice.

I don't have an issue with making her pay the expenses, as long as she has the means to do it. I also think it's fine having her grandfather and uncle teach her.

I guess what threw me off a bit is the way you described the situation. You say in your OP that your daughter is almost 17 and "all of a sudden" wants a driver's license. Is this a surprise to you? That a teenager wants to drive? Sounds pretty normal to me. It's great that you get around on public transportation, but for most of us that's just not possible or practical, and driving IS a necessity. IMO, your daughter is being smart, responsible and realistic. You should be proud.

 

[kimblebee]

Speaking as someone who in the past has spent years in the insurance business including owning my own agency with a large company (Good Hands, LOL) for many of those years, you are only partially correct here. You are correct, insurance follows the car not the driver. An example is lending your car to a friend to run down to the store. But once your insurance company finds out your daughter has her license (and they will find out), they will make you add her to the policy. The reason for this is they want to collect their premium based on the risk they are insuring. Right or wrong, it's how it's done.

As for the boys car and a ton of power... I'm not even going to touch that one at all. LOL

Speaking as someone who's not even American, you are 100% incorrect. My province has no fault insurance...as has already been pointed out upthread. Thanks for pitching in, though LOL

 

[kimblebee]

Didn't read all posts but answered your poll. We paid and never gave it a thought; it was just part of raising a child. However, I respect your right as a parent to make a different choice.

I don't have an issue with making her pay the expenses, as long as she has the means to do it. I also think it's fine having her grandfather and uncle teach her.

I guess what threw me off a bit is the way you described the situation. You say in your OP that your daughter is almost 17 and "all of a sudden" wants a driver's license. Is this a surprise to you? That a teenager wants to drive? Sounds pretty normal to me. It's great that you get around on public transportation, but for most of us that's just not possible or practical, and driving IS a necessity. IMO, your daughter is being smart, responsible and realistic. You should be proud.

It really was 100% all of a sudden. Her friends all have their licence so she gets where she needs to go if she's out with them. Her boyfriend lives within walking distance so she doesn't need to drive to see him. We cover the rest of the time when she needs a ride to or from somewhere. She doesn't even need a license for government I.D. because we can get an ID card for $10 or $15.

 

[indimom]

We paid and it was worth every penny for them to be able to handle their own transport. We're just as busy as they are and it's awesome when they can handle their own schedule.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think that as parents, it behooves us to set our kids up for success when it comes to their first driving experiences because driving is such a Herculean safety risk if they're not well-prepared. You could say it's good to get experience driving different cars, but I think there's a lot to be said for getting used to the one she's going to be driving most once she's licensed. Think about yourself when it comes to renting a car - it can take a little while to get used to the feel of it, and the controls, etc. What happens if an inexperienced driver hits a sudden rainstorm in traffic and can't find the wiper controls? Or the emergency flashers? Or the high beams? Sure, orient them to each car their driving, but will it really be instinctual when seconds count? Anyone could get a little confused - but bam, too late. These are just my thoughts when reading this thread. Call me crazy but as mine we're leaning to drive, we watched videos on hydroplaning and read articles about how with teens, accident rates go up with each other person in the car due to distraction, and stuff like that (that's what happens when you work in an ER and see all the bad things that can happen). We also spent a lot of time with them driving everywhere and practicing in snow, etc. We paid for driver's ed in their HS as we had two doing it at once and it was about $250 (each) cheaper that way than doing it privately. (We paid $500 each!) I did like the class, though, as they stressed the importance of how serious it was - if they missed even one class they had to wait until the next class came around to make up that once class, which caused big delays in their getting their licenses. They also spent part of one class going out into the parking lot with the instructor and going through the different parts of the car and what they do, how to change a tire, looking under the hood, how to put gas in, etc., and I thought that was a great feature to get them comfortable with the basics of a car. On their last day, they made them drive in the chaos of Boston but made it fun by going for ice cream. So yes, we happily paid for that education. We make them pay for other expenses related to driving, but to me, that's different.

 

[tzolkin]

Reading through this thread I realize I have quite different views than most. I believe driving is a privilege, not a right. I don't feel I have to pay for every extra my child wants (cell phones, and cars are not necessities). I also don't believe the pressure to drive and make split-second, life-changing decisions should be placed on most teenagers. I waited until my early 20's to drive and will encourage my kids to do the same. (and yes, I grew up in the country with no transit and my parents did not taxi me around)

Regarding paying for their own expenses-- that's exactly what we have done. DD didn't get a cell phone until she was a senior in HS (and she is paying a portion of the monthly bill) and she didn't get her license until she was in a position where the benefits outweighed the cost. DH and I both paid for our own expenses as teenagers (and had way more responsibility than DD does), but it is certainly not the norm. When we were at the insurance agent's office, DD and I were asking specifics about the expense and mentioned that she was going to be paying for the addition of her car. The agent thought that was great and that DD would learn some valuable life skills, but everyone in the office really made it seem like DD is the ONLY teenager they work with whose parents don't just pay for the entire cost of insurance.

As far as the waiting to drive, DD just got her license this summer at 18 (between her first and second year of college). Had she not needed the car to commute to a job she has, she likely would have waited a bit longer. We certainly didn't think it was necessary for her to get her license as soon as possible. However, she did take drivers ed and get her permit 3 years ago. Even if she wasn't going to get her license while in HS, I did want her to have some driving time while she was still living in our home with DH and I so we could ensure that she really knew how to drive safely.

 

[klacey1]

It really was 100% all of a sudden. Her friends all have their licence so she gets where she needs to go if she's out with them. Her boyfriend lives within walking distance so she doesn't need to drive to see him. We cover the rest of the time when she needs a ride to or from somewhere. She doesn't even need a license for government I.D. because we can get an ID card for $10 or $15.

I gotta say, as someone who got their license very late and had to bum rides from friends for a long time, this will get old. I had wonderful, generous friends in high school (whom I'm still friends with today), and even they'd get totally reasonably resentful that I could never take a turn driving. Not getting my license at 16 is a huge regret of mine.

 

[AppleDumpling]

It really was 100% all of a sudden. Her friends all have their licence so she gets where she needs to go if she's out with them. Her boyfriend lives within walking distance so she doesn't need to drive to see him. We cover the rest of the time when she needs a ride to or from somewhere. She doesn't even need a license for government I.D. because we can get an ID card for $10 or $15.

That's great, but maybe it occurred to her that sometime in the not-so-distant future, she might be living on her own. Maybe she'll go away to college, take a job outside your city, or move for any number of reasons. And she wants to prepare for that possibility now. As others have said, it's easier learning now than when she's older.

Who wants to rely on getting rides from friends or parents all the time? If I were you, I'd be happy that she wants to be self-sufficient. It's one step towards becoming an independent adult.

 

[HarperLeigh]

It really was 100% all of a sudden. Her friends all have their licence so she gets where she needs to go if she's out with them. Her boyfriend lives within walking distance so she doesn't need to drive to see him. We cover the rest of the time when she needs a ride to or from somewhere. She doesn't even need a license for government I.D. because we can get an ID card for $10 or $15.

It isn't her friends responsibility to get her where she needs to go.

 

[mom2rtk]

Who wants to rely on getting rides from friends or parents all the time?

Exactly. Our daughter is allowed to give rides to friends, but is not allowed to be anyone's "regular ride". It's not her (our our) job to provide transportation for everyone else.

If I were you, I'd be happy that she wants to be self-sufficient. It's one step towards becoming an independent adult.

And exactly that.

 

[cvjw]

We pay for everything for our 18 and 21 year old sons. One is a senior in high school and one is getting his master's degree. Neither have ever had to chip in for any expenses. They can start supporting themselves when they are out of college with a full time job.

 

[mjkacmom]

Can the OP have her daughter take driver's ed? Back in my day, this was a class offered in high school and it was driving instruction and classroom instruction. We took our road tests after the program finished. For me, it was much better going this route than having my parents teach me. My mom was overly paranoid and my dad got impatient easily.

My kids have to take it before getting a permit, it's $100 an hour, 4 hours mandatory. Kids are expected to drive at least 30 or so hours before testing. It would be terrifying if kids got a drivers license after only driving for 4 hours!

 

[msjprincess]

The Driver's Ed course my son is taking is 24 hours in the classroom and 24 hours of driving.