Leaving a teen behind.....Update pg 12, we are back!

[ronandannette]

LOL! I bought him lots of his favourite foods before we left. We really didn't want to leave him with much cash (we ended up giving him $50 cash, $50 in gas cards and $50 in Walmart cards) because we felt he might use it irresponsibly. He had more then enough food to get by for the week and then he used the gift card to buy some stuff he wanted, he could have easily went the whole week without buying a thing. In fact we came back Saturday night and I didn't go grocery shopping again until this morning and our whole family was able to get by what we already have, with lots of teens coming and going in this house I usually keep it pretty well stocked.

Almost exactly what we did with our DS when he stayed home alone. Frankly, now that he's 20, we wouldn't even bother to do that.

Honestly, I can't imagine trusting a teen home alone for a week if they weren't someone I could trust some extra cash with.

Glad it worked out though.

Not necessarily about trust; more the fact that everybody "lives on a budget" of one kind or another. What she left him was more than adequate under the circumstances.

LOL, do some of you forget what being a teen was like?
I remember that age, yup, the dishes would pile up until the last minute when I knew parents were coming home. $50 for groceries, ok, that is for me and my friends to go to the movies and mcDs one night.
Sleep at 6:30 PM- that would have been a no way.
Late for school- check.



I forget though, the kids of the DISers are perfect. If they are left alone for a week they would act exactly like they act when they are home with their parents. Perfect angels, not in the least bit irresponsible, or even a tiny bit rebellious, doing everything they were suppsoed too, just the way mom and dad told them too, at exactly the time they were supposed to do it.

Totally. When and how our DS managed to get the house back under control was of no concern to me, as long as it got done before we were back. And as for the money? Blow it all on whatever he wanted and then live with not having any for a few days was fine - a great learning experience actually.

 

[quandrea]

You know I managed quite well to take care of things too. I also had some hiccups, like most teens. That was my point, we, even you, and your own kids, are not and will not do everything right all the time. We also learn and grow from our experiences. I pitty those who don't get those experiences, they never learn how to grow IMO.

And I'm not sure what you mean by "prolonged absence"? A week vacation and letting a 17 year old stay home alone? Thinking there is something wrong with that is ludicrous in my book.

I said prolonged adolescence not absence. I agree with you that at 17 being home alone is a no brainer. No reason why things at home shouldn't run as normal.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Honestly, I can't imagine trusting a teen home alone for a week if they weren't someone I could trust some extra cash with.

Glad it worked out though.

If I had a fridge full of food I would leave $50 too. That's enough to eat out 5-6 meals. No need to eat out every single meal. To me that's a waste of money. My plan when I go away is to leave him $50. If I would leave more he would spend it on more junk food and crap and not eat the stuff that I already bought and stocked up on. If he wants to use it to go to the movies with his friends I'm fine with that too. But once it's gone, it's gone.

 

[mom2rtk]

Not necessarily about trust; more the fact that everybody "lives on a budget" of one kind or another. What she left him was more than adequate under the circumstances.

Not sure what living on a budget has to do with my comment? And I didn't say anything about the amount being adequate or not.

My only point was that if she didn't think he was responsible enough to handle the money, I would have concerns about him being responsible in more important ways (like getting to school on time every day).

 

[mom2rtk]

If I had a fridge full of food I would leave $50 too. That's enough to eat out 5-6 meals. No need to eat out every single meal. To me that's a waste of money. My plan when I go away is to leave him $50. If I would leave more he would spend it on more junk food and crap and not eat the stuff that I already bought and stocked up on. If he wants to use it to go to the movies with his friends I'm fine with that too. But once it's gone, it's gone.

See my post above. I never said it was inadequate.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

See my post above. I never said it was inadequate.

I guess it matters on how the OP doesn't trust him with the money. Does she think he'll buy alcohol and have a keg party or does she think he would just spend it on nonsense and she doesn't want to fund 25 bags of Doritos?

 

[Canooknic]

Exactly! Let kids be kids while they can (I'm talking dirty dishes and an off sleep cycle). They have their entire lives to be adults. It's not the end of the world to make a mess or be late to school or be a bit rebellious when mom and dad aren't looking. They'll have a funny story to tell their kids when they get older. Everything doesn't have to be so dull and by the book.

Absolutely!!! Don't get me wrong, my 8 year olds will load/unload the dishwasher, make their beds, put laundry away etc without being asked but if they miss it sometimes that's ok - they have their entire adult life to 'enjoy' those tasks!!

Kids do need to learn to be responsible....but they still need to be kids too. There has to be a happy-medium somewhere between expecting everything and expecting nothing from them.

A friend's 18 year old son passed away just before Christmas - completely unexpected - and I assure you that she would love to see his dirty dishes in the sink and wet towel on the bathroom floor right now! It's really put my parenting in perspective these last few weeks

 

[North of Mouse]

Wow, some parents expectations are sure low when it comes to teens!! You usually 'get' what you expect!

My parents were strict to a degree (which I totally respect), but they were also very fair.
We raised our three the same - they're raising theirs the same and all are turning out responsible adults.

To each their own parenting styles, but this scenario would have driven me afraid and insane. I could not have enjoyed my trip under these conditions.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Glad it worked out, but honestly, the bf of your dd is a snitch. He should have stayed out of it.

Completely agree. Why did he wake him up??

 

[mombrontrent]

Wow, some parents expectations are sure low when it comes to teens!! You usually 'get' what you expect!

My parents were strict to a degree (which I totally respect), but they were also very fair.
We raised our three the same - they're raising theirs the same and all are turning out responsible adults.

To each their own parenting styles, but this scenario would have driven me afraid and insane. I could not have enjoyed my trip under these conditions.

I admit I'm fairly easy going and it takes a lot to really rattle me.

 

[Hikergirl]

I said prolonged adolescence not absence. I agree with you that at 17 being home alone is a no brainer. No reason why things at home shouldn't run as normal.

Yes you did, LOL!
As a parent I would hope things run as normal, but as a parent of a teen I do understand that that may not be the case, and its not the end of the world. Its a learning experience, and making mistakes is part of that, and that is very normal for 17 year olds. Doesn't make anything 'prolonged'

 

[Hikergirl]

Wow, some parents expectations are sure low when it comes to teens!! You usually 'get' what you expect!

My parents were strict to a degree (which I totally respect), but they were also very fair.
We raised our three the same - they're raising theirs the same and all are turning out responsible adults.

To each their own parenting styles, but this scenario would have driven me afraid and insane. I could not have enjoyed my trip under these conditions.

I was raised very strictly, and alot was expected of me. That in turn made very rebellious. I won't tell you the things I did when I was left alone at 17.
Somehow I managed to become a responsible adult raising great kids. How did I ever do it.

 

[mombrontrent]

Completely agree. Why did he wake him up??

I explained earlier that dd's boyfriend had texted me to let me know he was going over to the house to wait for us to come home. He knows he's always welcome but he had texted me as we were driving home as a heads up and I told him that he was welcome to go in but that I was scared about what condition the house might be in! He then texted me to tell me there was a huge mess and that DS was sleeping so I told him to wake DS up and tell him to get cleaning. Which he did and DS started cleaning, it wasn't done in a malicious way to get DS in trouble. The two of them get along very well and they both knew that me and dh wouldn't actually be too angry about a messy kitchen. We expected it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Wow, some parents expectations are sure low when it comes to teens!! You usually 'get' what you expect!

My parents were strict to a degree (which I totally respect), but they were also very fair.
We raised our three the same - they're raising theirs the same and all are turning out responsible adults.

To each their own parenting styles, but this scenario would have driven me afraid and insane. I could not have enjoyed my trip under these conditions.

I don't call it low expectations. I just know kids will not be 100% all of the time, especially when mom and dad are away. If knowing my son will wait until 20 minutes before I get home to clean or have a crazy sleep schedule is low expectations so be it. He's a great kid in a lot of aspects of his life and he has a lot of expectations. I just choose not to sweat the small stuff.

I did the same crap when my mom left me home alone as a teen and I'm the most responsible out of all of my cousins (all 15 of us) and siblings.
I still act up when left alone. You should see the stuff I do when my SO is away. Eating cookies in bed, turning the AC really low and eating out every meal. All things that would drive him crazy.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Honestly, I can't imagine trusting a teen home alone for a week if they weren't someone I could trust some extra cash with.

Glad it worked out though.

I agree.

Now, my son is an adult. When we went to Disney and left him, he was 21. But he has always lived at home, and is pretty coddled.

I left him with my debit card. He didn't use it. But he had it in case there had been an emergency. If I couldn't trust him with my debit card to use in an emergency, then I wouldn't have trusted him with my house. And keys to my car.

And the house was a disaster? A total mess? No way. That is not a win. That would have simply shown me that he wasn't ready for the responsibility. And next time, there would be no way that I would leave him alone. The boy is 17, but it sounds like he needs a babysitter.

I read the update from page 12 to my son and he had no words. About half of the time I was reading it, he had his head in his hands. The rest of the time he was looking at me in total amazement and shock.

 

[robinb]

I left him with my debit card. He didn't use it. But he had it in case there had been an emergency. If I couldn't trust him with my debit card to use in an emergency, then I wouldn't have trusted him with my house. And keys to my car.

I think the OP said that she would have been able to transfer money to her son if he had an emergency. My DD has her own bank account that is connected to our family account (so far, I'm not sure what happens whens he turns 18) and I transfer her allowance into it. She has her own debit card on the account that she uses for movies/shopping/etc. I would have been able to transfer any amount to her in less than 5 minutes.

 

[mombrontrent]

I agree.

Now, my son is an adult. When we went to Disney and left him, he was 21. But he has always lived at home, and is pretty coddled.

I left him with my debit card. He didn't use it. But he had it in case there had been an emergency. If I couldn't trust him with my debit card to use in an emergency, then I wouldn't have trusted him with my house. And keys to my car.

And the house was a disaster? A total mess? No way. That is not a win. That would have simply shown me that he wasn't ready for the responsibility. And next time, there would be no way that I would leave him alone. The boy is 17, but it sounds like he needs a babysitter.

I read the update from page 12 to my son and he had no words. About half of the time I was reading it, he had his head in his hands. The rest of the time he was looking at me in total amazement and shock.

I admit my kids aren't perfect and neither am I. It just goes to show what one person considers a success the next would consider a failure. Me and my dh were pleased with the outcome and that's all that matter I guess. I had realistic expectations and the messy kitchen didn't faze me, to me a teenage boy leaving a mess in the kitchen doesn't constitute a failure.

We told him if he handled this trip well he could stay home alone when we went away for a week this summer. However he decided that he wants to travel with us this time, if he had decided to stay behind again I would been fine with it.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I think the OP said that she would have been able to transfer money to her son if he had an emergency. My DD has her own bank account that is connected to our family account (so far, I'm not sure what happens whens he turns 18) and I transfer her allowance into it. She has her own debit card on the account that she uses for movies/shopping/etc. I would have been able to transfer any amount to her in less than 5 minutes.

My son also has his own account with a debit card. He uses it for gas, books, and like your daughter, shopping and movies.

But it only has his money in it. And in an emergency, it would only take a few minutes, after I found out about it, to transfer money. And I guess that was my thought. If he had my debit card, it would be like cash in hand. Rather than calling Mom and Dad, telling them the problem, then waiting for them to transfer the money. I simply trusted him to do what needed to be done.

 

[mjkacmom]

I expect my kids to go to school, and clean up their messes. The OP said she expected her ds to miss more school than he did, and to leave a mess. Sometimes kids do what we expect.

 

[jt'smom]

Wow, some parents expectations are sure low when it comes to teens!! You usually 'get' what you expect!

My parents were strict to a degree (which I totally respect), but they were also very fair.
We raised our three the same - they're raising theirs the same and all are turning out responsible adults.

To each their own parenting styles, but this scenario would have driven me afraid and insane. I could not have enjoyed my trip under these conditions.

I'm 51, and when I was a kid my parents travelled a lot and left me with my older teenaged siblings. Generally, it would be a wild week of my brother's football team drinking, my sister's pot smoking, druggie friends getting stoned all week and me wandering the neighborhood doing whatever. We all grew up, had wildly successful careers and ended up raising well-adjusted kids ourselves, so I guess my parent's didn't totally suck, lol. None of us have ever been in jail, and one of us was a pretty well established community leader known for charitable work. I raised my son pretty much the same, and I'd put up his responsible nature and independence against my loser adult nephews anytime, given that they are in their 20's, still live at home, can't even balance a checkbook or hold a full time job, even though they were raised in a hyper-strict home with "high expectations".

I agree.

Now, my son is an adult. When we went to Disney and left him, he was 21. But he has always lived at home, and is pretty coddled.

I left him with my debit card. He didn't use it. But he had it in case there had been an emergency. If I couldn't trust him with my debit card to use in an emergency, then I wouldn't have trusted him with my house. And keys to my car.

And the house was a disaster? A total mess? No way. That is not a win. That would have simply shown me that he wasn't ready for the responsibility. And next time, there would be no way that I would leave him alone. The boy is 17, but it sounds like he needs a babysitter.

I read the update from page 12 to my son and he had no words. About half of the time I was reading it, he had his head in his hands. The rest of the time he was looking at me in total amazement and shock.

Different strokes for different folks. The OP could have come home to a sparkling clean house and later found out her kid was hosting keg parties and getting laid every night in her bed. And I would sincerely hope a 21 year old adult could function "at home" when mommy and daddy travel. I would also wonder why he didn't have his own debit card? At 21, even a coddled, still living at home "child" should be financially independent enough in my opinion that mom doesn't need to leave her debit card for him to feed or support himself! I'm shaking my head in amazement while reading your response!

OP, sounds like your experiment was a success! And kudos to him for the smoothie in a casserole dish, lol. I remember in college using all sorts of weird things to use for cups and bowls, when we hadn't run the dishwasher and everything was dirty!