WWYD?

[Luv Bunnies]

We're finding ourselves in a situation that may be a simple oversight, but it's kind of bugging me. The girl across the street is getting married in June. We moved into our house 19 years ago and have been close to her family ever since. Their girls are a few years older than our boys (theirs are 24 and 22, ours are 21 and 18). We've been to their graduation parties, gone to watch each other's kids in shows, picked up each other's mail, driven each other's kids places, etc. Our DS18 took a dance class that was taught by the older girl who is getting married. She is also the choreographer for a musical theater group that he's performing with, so they know each other well.

The other day, we got a "save-the-date" card for her wedding. It was addressed to DH, me and DS18. Our DS21 was not listed. DS21 has Asperger's Syndrome, so he is far less social than his younger brother. He has never been to a wedding and is curious about what it's like to attend one. He has asked me a few times if I thought we would be invited to the neighbor's wedding. I told him we would have to wait for the invitation, but I thought we probably would be invited.

When the save-the-date card came and DS21's name was left off, I didn't know what to make of it. They definitely know him. Lately the dad has been hiring him to pick up their mail when they go out of town since DS18 has a job and DS21 doesn't. It gives DS21 a way to earn a few bucks. I'm wondering if perhaps they thought he wouldn't be interested since it will be a large social gathering and he's not very social. But wouldn't it make sense to include him on the invitation and let him decide if he's comfortable attending or not? I don't think they're afraid of him being disruptive. He's can be a pretty vocal guy about things that interest him, but he knows how to sit quietly in church and in theaters. He would not make noise or be otherwise inappropriate. He may not be interested in much of the food since he's a picky eater, but he can make his own choices and deal with them.

So what do we do? Wait a few more months for the actual invitation and see if he's included on that? Ask the mom, the dad or the bride if it was a simple oversight (at the risk of putting them in an awkward situation)? If he's not included on the invitation, do we just tell him he wasn't invited and go without him? That would just about break my heart since he has so little interest in social situations and he specifically expressed an interest in this one. We end up going a lot of places with just DS18 because DS21 doesn't want to go. I would hate to leave him behind, and I know it would make him feel sad to know he wasn't invited.

I should add our neighbors are a really great family. We have always had a good relationship and we help each other out whenever we can. They have always been very nice to us and both of our boys. That's why this situation is surprising and has me a bit stumped.

 

[3Gsandme]

Does your eldest son live at home?

 

[wilkeliza]

Random question but did your 18 year old graduate high school already? In some circles a 21 year old child would get their own invitation but an 18 year old still in high school would be included with mom and dad.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Does your eldest son live at home?

Yes. He lives at home with us.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

I'd ask, but that's me.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Random question but did your 18 year old graduate high school already? In some circles a 21 year old child would get their own invitation but an 18 year old still in high school would be included with mom and day.

Interesting thought. DS18 is a senior in high school. I guess I assumed that older DS would be included on the family invitation since he lives with us. He did not receive a save-the-date card of his own.

 

[wilkeliza]

Interesting thought. DS18 is a senior in high school. I guess I assumed that older DS would be included on the family invitation since he lives with us. He did not receive a save-the-date card of his own.

I would ask. I'm going through this right now and was told if they are in high school they go on their parents invitation but an adult child even living at home would receive their own save the date and invitation. Asking can't hurt especially since you seem to know the family pretty well. Also maybe DS18 got an invite because he know the daughter well but DS21 doesn't? Whatever the case it still seems odd to invite 3 of the 4 unless it was just a mailing thing and DS21 does have a save the date it just hasn't come in.

 

[kimblebee]

I don't think there's any way to approach it without someone feeling awkward. I would ask, but that puts them in the position of possibly having to say he isn't invited. Then, that might make you feel awkward about why he's not invited. Maybe they just don't think he'd enjoy it..

 

[Disneylover99]

We're finding ourselves in a situation that may be a simple oversight, but it's kind of bugging me. The girl across the street is getting married in June. We moved into our house 19 years ago and have been close to her family ever since. Their girls are a few years older than our boys (theirs are 24 and 22, ours are 21 and 18). We've been to their graduation parties, gone to watch each other's kids in shows, picked up each other's mail, driven each other's kids places, etc. Our DS18 took a dance class that was taught by the older girl who is getting married. She is also the choreographer for a musical theater group that he's performing with, so they know each other well.

The other day, we got a "save-the-date" card for her wedding. It was addressed to DH, me and DS18. Our DS21 was not listed. DS21 has Asperger's Syndrome, so he is far less social than his younger brother. He has never been to a wedding and is curious about what it's like to attend one. He has asked me a few times if I thought we would be invited to the neighbor's wedding. I told him we would have to wait for the invitation, but I thought we probably would be invited.

When the save-the-date card came and DS21's name was left off, I didn't know what to make of it. They definitely know him. Lately the dad has been hiring him to pick up their mail when they go out of town since DS18 has a job and DS21 doesn't. It gives DS21 a way to earn a few bucks. I'm wondering if perhaps they thought he wouldn't be interested since it will be a large social gathering and he's not very social. But wouldn't it make sense to include him on the invitation and let him decide if he's comfortable attending or not? I don't think they're afraid of him being disruptive. He's can be a pretty vocal guy about things that interest him, but he knows how to sit quietly in church and in theaters. He would not make noise or be otherwise inappropriate. He may not be interested in much of the food since he's a picky eater, but he can make his own choices and deal with them.

So what do we do? Wait a few more months for the actual invitation and see if he's included on that? Ask the mom, the dad or the bride if it was a simple oversight (at the risk of putting them in an awkward situation)? If he's not included on the invitation, do we just tell him he wasn't invited and go without him? That would just about break my heart since he has so little interest in social situations and he specifically expressed an interest in this one. We end up going a lot of places with just DS18 because DS21 doesn't want to go. I would hate to leave him behind, and I know it would make him feel sad to know he wasn't invited.

I should add our neighbors are a really great family. We have always had a good relationship and we help each other out whenever we can. They have always been very nice to us and both of our boys. That's why this situation is surprising and has me a bit stumped.

I'm hoping it was an oversight on their part. Or maybe they are asking you, your husband and your 18 year old to save the date because you are often busy and they figure if you guys save the date, they assume you'll bring your older son? I don't know. Hopefully he'll be on the wedding invitation.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

That's a tough one. I think I would wait to see what the formal invitation says and decide from there. If they purposely did not include your 21 year old, I think that is tacky at best, and downright cruddy at worst. From what you have said, you have a good relationship with the neighbors so I doubt you would be this friendly with cruddy types. It may have been an oversight or maybe your 21 year received his own save-the-date without you knowing? I agree with a PP that a 21 year old should receive his own invitation but a high schooler might still be on the parents' invite.

If the actual invitations come and DS21 isn't invited, I would cross that bridge then. In the meantime, you might inquire with the neighbors about how the planning is going and see if they open up on their own about the invitation list.

 

[Marchand63]

Well being the DIS, get offended, storm over get an explanation then ignore it & cut them out of your lives.


I would simply ask I am betting you get a rational explanation & an assurance he will be invited. I wouldn't wait for wedding invite. If they felt he wouldn't enjoy it they may not have table room by then. Good luck

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

Well being the DIS, get offended, storm over get an explanation then ignore it & cut them out of your lives.


I would simply ask I am betting you get a rational explanation & an assurance he will be invited. I wouldn't wait for wedding invite. If they felt he wouldn't enjoy it they may not have table room by then. Good luck

I want to change my answer, I like this idea better.

 

[sonnyjane]

I don't think there's any way to approach it without someone feeling awkward. I would ask, but that puts them in the position of possibly having to say he isn't invited. Then, that might make you feel awkward about why he's not invited. Maybe they just don't think he'd enjoy it..

If someone ENJOYING a wedding was a contingency of being invited to the wedding, there's a lot of people that would never be invited to weddings!

OP, I would *hope* it's an oversight but prepare for it having been intentional. I agree that I'd probably wait until the actual invitation before asking. If he isn't invited then I would honestly be inclined to decline the invitation entirely.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'd say it was deliberate, unfortunately. They probably had to make choices to keep costs down, and your DS didn't make the cut, probably for a combination of several of the reasons mentioned above. I don't think I'd ask them about it. But I might be busy that day. ("Oh, darn, we're going out of town that weekend!")

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I'd say it was deliberate, unfortunately. They probably had to make choices to keep costs down, and your DS didn't make the cut, probably for a combination of several of the reasons mentioned above. I don't think I'd ask them about it. But I might be busy that day. ("Oh, darn, we're going out of town that weekend!")

I totally understand having to
make cuts due to space, etc. I had to make some to my own wedding way back when. But I can't imagine leaving off one member (who happens to be the one with a disability) of a 4-member family that you've lived across the street from for 19 years. That doesn't seem to be in character with this family.

 

[Marchand63]

I totally understand having to
make cuts due to space, etc. I had to make some to my own wedding way back when. But I can't imagine leaving off one member (who happens to be the one with a disability) of a 4-member family that you've lived across the street from for 19 years. That doesn't seem to be in character with this family.

If you think this really out of character, I would definitely ask. It may have been as simple as a brainfart, as we call them. Sometimes things are just an error. Don't assume the worst immediately

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Wouldn't it have been easier for them to just address the card to the "Luv Bunnies Family" than it would have been to go to the trouble of naming you individually, ie, "Mr. Luv Bunnies", "Mrs. Love Bunnies", and "Luv Bunnies DS18", if they really meant to invite the whole family? I think the way it was worded signifies intention. JMO. It doesn't mean I think it's right, btw. I think they should've just invited the whole family and I can understand how you'd feel having your DS21 left out by these people you seem to have a close relationship with.

 

[Southernmiss]

I wonder if they had a service address the save the dates and a simple mistake was made.

We are planning ds's wedding in August. Our family gets 100 people to invite. Brides family gets 100 to invite and ds and bride each get an additional 50 people to invite. I have 110 on my list, mostly family. How and who to cut is very tricky.

 

[Poohlove]

I would think that if the whole family were invited it would have been addressed to "The Smith Family" instead of listing everyone individually. I would definitely ask and it would prbably go something like Hey, we got our save the date card - thank you! DS was not named on the invitation and he has expressed a genuine interest in attending, I understand if he isn't invited but wanted to discuss it with you rather than assume either way. It's an awkward situation no matter how you slice it.

 

[SMD]

It sounds like your younger son has a closer relationship with the bride than your older son has. You'll never know if you don't ask, but I would definitely wait a few weeks due to mail delays and not sadding to a neighbor's possible holiday stress.

I would think that if the whole family were invited it would have been addressed to "The Smith Family" instead of listing everyone individually. I would definitely ask and it would prbably go something like Hey, we got our save the date card - thank you! DS was not named on the invitation and he has expressed a genuine interest in attending, I understand if he isn't invited but wanted to discuss it with you rather than assume either way. It's an awkward situation no matter how you slice it.

Even if you acknowledge that you understand if he isn't invited, using shame or trying to guilt them isn't the way to go when asking to be invited to someone's wedding. I agree it's awkward to ask, but don't say this.