Looking for Advice....

[NFLDERS]

I also... how to word this?

I'm seeing lots of references to "this is the right thing to do because" with references to the money and who got what, was it fair, etc.

To me, that has little to do with what's right here. OP insists she did this out of the goodness of her heart. But then goes into a lot about resentment because of what the siblings (or was it sibling?) got, etc.

That has to be put aside, IMO. It muddies the water.

Either you do something because it's the right thing to do, or you don't. That in and of itself, not the surrounding circumstances. Regardless of the rest.

No question, it's been a difficult journey for OP. Often it is the things which are most difficult that have greatest meaning and worth, in terms of life. I would advise OP to worrying so much about everything else other than her situation with her DM and that alone.

Once again, as I said in my first post on this thread. Just because you have the right to do something it doesn't necessarily follow that it's the right thing to do.

OP, you seem like a nice person. You need to search in your heart to figure out what, if any, obiligation your have to your DM. I sense that you are a bit torn about it. Don't make the mistake of making another mistake here. Don't act until you're absolutely certain what the right thing to do is. I don't think this has to be as black and white as is being portrayed here. Find the middle ground, whatever that might be. As I said before, life has a funny way of twisting and turning.

I have more of a universal view than a selfish one, myself. I sort of think that everything we do, and the situations we're placed in, are there for a reason. I know not everyone agrees with that. But I suspect you do. You are just a little confused, and probably overwhelmed, with all the details. (Understandably.) It's also hard when you have others around you egging you on in a way that doesn't jibe with the way you feel in your heart.

I read a good book not too long ago in which the author talked about how elders are revered in most other societies. Many of us here seem to have lost that somehow. Here it's me, me, me. Elders don't fit in with how we want to live ourselves. And dammit we have the right to be [fill in the blank]! Hey, I get it, it's hard! It's inconvenient! It downright sucks sometimes! But that - at least to me - doesn't change what I feel my obligation is, especially when I made a commitment. No way will I not be keeping up my end of the deal, even when life gets difficult.

Before my father passed away, one day he asked me to promise I'd always take care of my mother. I think I was college age, and he was sitting at my dining room table. I said of course I would, not giving it a whole lot of thought at the time. But I sometimes think back to that conversation of so many years ago. I've had a lot of life experiences since then and I understand now than ever more where he was coming from. We had a lot of problems in my family. It would've been nice if my father's business was more successful, or if he didn't have so many problems related to his service in WWII, or if my mother had a different type of personality or drive, etc., but that wasn't how it was. I've had to deal with the reality. The important part to me, in retrospect, is that all of those experiences made me who I am today, and I get it. Just because I grew up with difficult circumstances doesn't mean I have to perpetuate them. I'd rather strive to make them better while keeping in mind what matters most to me. YMMV. People can believe whatever they want to believe, but *I* believe that everything we do counts.

I imagine I'll get flamed for this post, but have at it. I'm more concerned the OP hears what I am trying to say.

And to be clear, I am not saying that the OP shouldn't necessarily not go forward with her plans. But I am saying things have to be done the right way. For everyone. (And so far, it's not off to a great start.)

I think what makes me the most sad about this whole situation is that the DM trusted the OP and her sib(s) to do the right thing by her. THAT is my takeaway. Trust, but verify.

^^^ This...

Pea-n-Me: My dad also asked me, and Dh the same thing. He too was a WWII Royal Navy Vet. He was so young when he left mom a new bride, and went overseas for 6 years. He sacrificed so much for love of his family, and Country. He returned with PTSD which brought him to war at home for years with Alcoholism. While he won that battle, and enjoyed 14 years of sobriety his heart took a tremendous toll.

He knew time was running out, and wanted my mom not to worry for her future. She also did not drive. We were not as young as you (29 & 30) and for that I greatly admire you. My dad was just 64 years young when he passed, and Mom 63. Mom was 88 1/2 when she left us to be with her beloved again.

 

[HarperLeigh]

Now I've seen everything. Appleplie, I'm going to say it again. You haven't done anything wrong. It is not your problem that people seem to have gotten overly invested in your thread and somehow gotten their feelings hurt while jumping all over you. I'm flabbergasted.

TBH, they sound jealous OP is finally living her life the way she wants to and on her terms. They don't have that luxury.

 

[AmberMK]

I don't generally rely on the virtues of honesty from anyone with a fake username.

Well, then you shouldn't have much a problem with me, Pea-n-Me, cause it's my first name and my middle and last initial. I'm glad to know that you will be taking my ideas to heart and they might be useful for you though, thank you.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

TBH, they sound jealous OP is finally living her life the way she wants to and on her terms. They don't have that luxury.

Dude really? I feel like we've stepped off back into high school..because surely you're not saying that because people disagree and have an opinion on a subject (regardless if you agree with their take on the subject or not) that doesn't match the OP that the only possible reason is they are jealous?

 

[cabanafrau]

If there are any possible legal financial issues, then yes, the OP should seek some advice...
The DIS isn't going to get her the valid and important advice she needs.

Should the OP be obligated to live under the same roof as her mother, forever.
Certainly not, in any way shape form or fashion.
Ohhhhh, I am quite sure that this is what the mother wanted... That was her objective...
I am quite sure that this would be 'her side of the story'.
But that only makes me side with the OP even further.
IMHO, that is not a reasonable or appropriate expectation.
Not without extended discussion, legal and financial measures, etc... that are agreed upon by all parties.

If the mother wanted to make sure that the moneys invested in the house were covered, forever... Then she, along with the OP and DH, should have had a lien placed on the property.
That didn't happen.

OP, the issue that I see here is 'PRECEDENT'.
I am not a lawyer or legal person at all, but I understand that somebody actually residing in a residence for any length of time, in many states, gives them legal recourse...
Something like what is called 'Squatter's Rights'.
I don't think that anything could overided the presence of any legal paperwork, or absence of, other than that 'precedient'. That long term residency.

So, because of that, I will suggest that you seek some good legal counsel, right away!

Her long-term residency might be a huge legal factor, and you need to go into this with your eyes wide open, not with some kind of knee-jerk emotional actions.
So, again, this is my advice....
Do not take any major decisions too quickly, based on emotions...
That is what you did when you let her move into your home.
You do not want to make that mistake again.

To answer on a more personal level.... I would not feel any obligation here, at all... Other than to do everything that I could to make sure that she was set up in nice, independent, living arrangements.
You and your DH have every right to sell YOUR property and to live together independently.
No personal judgement call from people on a chat-board changes that.

Your stance on this confuses me. OP stated in her own words in her update on page 3 that the decision to move her mother in originated with OP and her husband, as it would make their lives easier. By her own words this arrangement was decided to suit their needs first and foremost. Interestingly enough, so is the plan to end the arrangement.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.... peeked back in here, seeing it is STILL on the front page.
Nice to know that folks are keeping this going, and still trying to question and flame 'me'.!!!
Still hanging on every word, that was posted days ago!!!
Almost flattering!

Cabanafrau, I do not know where you are coming from, trying to dig this up... But, there is absolutely no confusion here with my viewpoint.
I was never confused and have never changed my thoughts.
My viewpoint still remains exactly the same as it has since post one.
I do not feel that the OP and her husband have any binding life-long obligation here. (I do not think that kind of expectation is either realistic or respectful to anyone)
I do think that they have every right to make a change in their lives, and in their home, etc.

The mother has had her residence provided for nearly 20 years.
And, the OP is not proposing to put her mother out on the street (That infamous cold lonely iceberg) They are looking into future options.

It is questionable whether the money was even an 'investment', or if it was the OP's share of the proceeds of the mother's home 20 years ago, like an early inheritance. Which her siblings seem to have received.

Perhaps, most importantly: Last I was reading here, the OP did state that they were now considering/planning to give her mother financial proceeds.
NOTE: I actually suggested and applauded that.

It does not seem that there are any binding financial or legal agreements.
But, that does not mean that there might not very well be legal and tax issues that the OP would do well to look into, before making any big move or decision.
Heck, I don't know anything about real-estate and capital gains tax law, but there could be a possibility that 'paying back' the mother, and thus netting less on the sale of the property, and then the amount of funds being used to purchase of a new home... could end up saving the OP and her husband considerable taxes.

Just very simply... IMHO, one decision, made decades ago, out of very emotional circumstances and haste, IMHO, does not constitute a life-long commitment.

My advice to the OP has always been to not repeat the same mistake twice.
Do not take hasty action, based on emotion, stress, etc....
Take the time to get good legal and tax advice.

 

[cabanafrau]

Wow.... peeked back in here, seeing it is STILL on the front page.
Nice to know that folks are keeping this going, and still trying to question and flame 'me'.!!!
Still hanging on every word, that was posted days ago!!!
Almost flattering!

Cabanafrau, I do not know where you are coming from, trying to dig this up... But, there is absolutely no confusion here with my viewpoint.
I was never confused and have never changed my thoughts.
My viewpoint still remains exactly the same as it has since post one.
I do not feel that the OP and her husband have any binding life-long obligation here. (I do not think that kind of expectation is either realistic or respectful to anyone)
I do think that they have every right to make a change in their lives, and in their home, etc.

The mother has had her residence provided for nearly 20 years.
And, the OP is not proposing to put her mother out on the street (That infamous cold lonely iceberg) They are looking into future options.

It is questionable whether the money was even an 'investment', or if it was the OP's share of the proceeds of the mother's home 20 years ago, like an early inheritance. Which her siblings seem to have received.

Perhaps, most importantly: Last I was reading here, the OP did state that they were now considering/planning to give her mother financial proceeds.
NOTE: I actually suggested and applauded that.

It does not seem that there are any binding financial or legal agreements.
But, that does not mean that there might not very well be legal and tax issues that the OP would do well to look into, before making any big move or decision.
Heck, I don't know anything about real-estate and capital gains tax law, but there could be a possibility that 'paying back' the mother, and thus netting less on the sale of the property, and then the amount of funds being used to purchase of a new home... could end up saving the OP and her husband considerable taxes.

Just very simply... IMHO, one decision, made decades ago, out of very emotional circumstances and haste, IMHO, does not constitute a life-long commitment.

My advice to the OP has always been to not repeat the same mistake twice.
Do not take hasty action, based on emotion, stress, etc....
Take the time to get good legal and tax advice.

As far as my "digging things up", I'm simply reading the thread and responded to something you posted. (Note, I believe I'm only on page 4 or so at this point.)

I didn't say you were confused, I said I was confused by your stance. My confusion is that you seem to accept the portrayal of the mother as manipulative when OP herself stated on page three that the plan to move her mother in emanated from OP and her husband, because it would be easier on them per her words, not mine, not from anybody else except OP. To me it sounds like another idea created in the vacuum of OP and her husband's making, much as the one to end the arrangement. The difference at that time being there did seem to be an upside for both the mother AND OP and her DH, whereas this time it's unclear if there is any upside for her mother.

I have no idea what you are talking about as far as early inheritance, but perhaps that will be clear when I read on.

ETA: To be clear, commenting on a prior comment you, or anyone, has made isn't flaming. It's simply responding to a part of the discussion that I have a question or a comment about.
I don't understand why that gets you so wound up, isn't that the whole point of a discussion? Questioning your viewpoint and illustrating with reasons I see the situation differently isn't an attempt to take up arms. It's simply, hey, you said this and I'm confused because of X or X and Y.
Are we to take your frequent use of !!! and ALL CAPS as you being very emotionally invested in your responses and that's why you want everyone to refrain from disagreeing? More and more and more I see you responding to threads with the fact that you're being flamed and I believe in this thread you may have referenced judgmental haters. More than once I've run across this and gone back up in the thread to try and figure out what I missed only to be left wondering if I'm too stupid to understand or if things have been removed from a thread.
Quoting you in a discussion is merely to note where a response fits in, especially when the discussions run multiple pages. Disagreeing isn't flaming, personal or judgmental hate. It's just a different viewpoint, and that's okay. Maybe on a different thread we see things from a similar vantage point, and that's okay too.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've known many ladies widowed and no one was swindled by their kids. Sure it happens but probably the exception not the rule.

OP says that is NOT the case here. Why not stop adding in what you THINK happened and just listen to the OP>

To the OP - now I realize that the addition was your inheritance I don't think you owe anything to your Mom financially. If she can afford to winter south every year she can afford to support herself.

Sorry, I see elderly people swindled by their children on a monthly, if not weekly basis. It absolutely is not uncommon, not at all, not in the least.

 

[ronandannette]

...Many of you commented about me using a new username. I created a new user name because my previous user name included information and posts that would possibly make me identifiable. I have shared very intimate feelings and details about my mother, my brother and myself. Besides, aren’t we all posting anonymously??? I guess it makes it much easier to spew nastiness to one another.

Some others mentioned inconsistencies in my story-yet the only inconsistency brought up is that I said I had multiple siblings when I only have one. What difference does it make how many siblings I have?? I really just didn’t want people that may know me to recognize me. My story has never changed-I’ve just had to provide more details at every turn because nobody could believe that it was what is was. I never thought I had to explain why I moved her in and why I think it’s time for her to move out. I’m even having trouble remembering every detail of what was said or done 19 years. That was never what I was asking opinions about.

I did receive from very valuable advice from some of you that I have taken to heart. One of them is to include my mother in the decision process and to have an open adult conversation with her-which is what I intend to do. I just wanted to get some advice and have my ducks in a row beforehand. There are nuances, dynamics and many details that are specific to my situation that I could never list or fully explain in an internet post. Please stop flaming me and assuming the worst about a situation that will I will never be able to fully explain to someone that has had a totally different set of conditions. Sometimes you just have to believe.

Expanding on details and answering specific questions is NOT changing the story. I think you've gotten a bit of a rough ride there. And as for a second username? Not sure it's within board guidelines, but I can understand people doing it under circumstances like yours if your regular profile has a lot of easily identifiable information. And if I was ever tempted to create a new profile myself I'd definitely do what you did and change some particulars, like say I had a DD instead of a DS or that I lived in a different part of the country or whatever.

This topic seems to hit home with a lot of posters here and emotions are running high. It's human nature for us to want others to affirm the decisions we've made, especially in what a PP aptly termed "dark places". People making different choices can seem like a threat, to some. And some people are the types who perhaps through their own difficulties, learned things the hard way and really need to redeem those experiences by having them benefit others.

Right from the beginning this thread was more than you bargained for - asking about the financial aspect only and not expecting the huge onslaught of opinions about the entire situation was a pretty unrealistic expectation. I doubt much of it has actually been impactful; hindsight can't change the past. I agree 100% with your newfound willingness to deal with this directly with your Mother. It will be difficult on many levels, but it's really the only way forward, no matter what the outcome. Grace and peace to all of you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I kept thinking of this thread today. I think if the scenario presented were only slightly different, the response would be unanimous:

20 years ago a 54 year old woman was suddenly widowed. That woman had always depended upon her husband for things like basic household maintence (even changing lightbulbs), yard work, pumping gas into the car and handling property tax bills. In her grief the woman was lost and feeling helpless and turned to her married adult daughter who lived in town for help. The daughter and her husband picked up much of what her dad used to do---they dropped by to mow the lawn, they came over on weekends when needed to handle maintence and even to fill her gas tank. They even paid the property tax bill---intercepting it before the widow even knew it was there. They never asked for payment for any of this and are, to this day, adamant that they do not want/expect it. The daughter even included her grieving mother in family dinners for the first year or two, but eventually becamse resentful of this and told her mom to start making her own meals and eating at home. The mother and adult daughter have a strained relationship and get on one another's nerves quite a bit.
Now, the adult daughter and her husband no longer like the town---it's changed and they are empty nesters. They want to move away and have found the perfect dream home to move into. Having not discussed it at all with their mother (who is both physically and mentally fit) they've decided she should sell her home and move into a 55 plus community, since they will not be there to help her with these basics anymore. Furthermore, they've decided they they get to keep the proceeds of the sale of her home so that they can use that to pay for their new home. After all----they did all that maintence and paid all those taxes so clearly they are owed the money from selling her home, right?

I mean seriously, I cannot fathom one poster here defending the above, even though it is a very similar situation. In fact, in the OP's situation the maintence and tax costs (in both time and money) to the OP'S family would be much lower than if it were a seperate home.



So, I go back to that it is FINE to no longer want to live together and FINE to want to move. HOWEVER, it is wrong not to include the mother on the discussion from the begining and to help her move into whatever situation SHE chooses for herself---and it is very wrong not to pay her her share of proceeds from the sale of the home, which is her home as well as OP's (one she, the mother, paid for).

A few added thoughts---OP, maybe it will turn out that your mom has wanted to move permanently to her winter residence but has felt she could not ask you to come up with the money to buy out her share of the house and she'll be relieved. Maybe the cost of lliving where she winters is only twice as much for a full year (long term, permanent) as it is for only 3 months in the high season. Who knows? There could be some good things which come from this for all involved IF you treat your mom fairly in the money issues and talk with her and help her plan her life instead of talking to her planning it for her

 

[CdnCarrie]

I kept thinking of this thread today. I think if the scenario presented were only slightly different, the response would be unanimous:

20 years ago a 54 year old woman was suddenly widowed. That woman had always depended upon her husband for things like basic household maintence (even changing lightbulbs), yard work, pumping gas into the car and handling property tax bills. In her grief the woman was lost and feeling helpless and turned to her married adult daughter who lived in town for help. The daughter and her husband picked up much of what her dad used to do---they dropped by to mow the lawn, they came over on weekends when needed to handle maintence and even to fill her gas tank. They even paid the property tax bill---intercepting it before the widow even knew it was there. They never asked for payment for any of this and are, to this day, adamant that they do not want/expect it. The daughter even included her grieving mother in family dinners for the first year or two, but eventually becamse resentful of this and told her mom to start making her own meals and eating at home. The mother and adult daughter have a strained relationship and get on one another's nerves quite a bit.
Now, the adult daughter and her husband no longer like the town---it's changed and they are empty nesters. They want to move away and have found the perfect dream home to move into. Having not discussed it at all with their mother (who is both physically and mentally fit) theyV'e decided she should sell her home and move into a 55 plus community, since they will not be there to help her with these basics anymore. Furthermore, tehy'Ve decided they they get to keep teh proceeds of the sale of her home so that they can use that to pay for hteir new home. After all----they did all that maintence and paid all those taxes so clearly they are owed the money from selling her home, right?

I mean seriously, I cannot fathom one poster here defending the above, even though it is a very similar situation. In fact, in teh OP's situation the maintence and tax costs (in both time and money) to the OP'S family would be much lower than if it were a seperate home.



So, I go back to that it is FINE to no longer want to live together and FINE to want to move. HOWEVER, it is wrong not to include the mother on the discussion from teh begining and to help her move into whatever situation SHE chooses for herself---and it is very wrong not to pay her her share of proceeds from the sale of the home, which is her home as well as OP's (one she, the mother, paid for).

A few added thoughts---OP, maybe it will turn out that your mom has wanted to move permanently to her winter residence but has felt she could not ask you to come up with the money to buy out her share of the house and she'll be relived. Maybe the cost of lliving where she winters is only twice as much for a full year (long term, permanent) as it is for only 3 months in the high season. Who knows? There yould be some good things which come from this for all involved IF you treat your mom fairl in the money issues and talk with her and help her plan her life instead of talking to her planning it for her

Or imagine yourself widowed at a young 54 years and when your married daughter offers to take you in your think to yourself "yippee I don't have to pay rent"!!! That to me is the clincher. That Mom paid no rent for 20 years. That probably accounted for MORE than half the house she had sold.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Or imagine yourself widowed at a young 54 years and when your married daughter offers to take you in your think to yourself "yippee I don't have to pay rent"!!! That to me is the clincher. That Mom paid no rent for 20 years. That probably accounted for MORE than half the house she had sold.

but the OP did not "take her mother in" She allowed her mother to pay to build an addition on her property and live there, paying her own uliltities, etc. The property the mother lived in belonged to the OP, but it would not be able to be rented out otherwise, so no income was taken from the daughter--though I do feel teh value of the land itself should be factored in when determining how much of the proceeds the mother gets from teh sale of her home versus the daughter from the sale of hers.

I am not sure why you feel the mother should have been paying rent to her duaghter for somehting she (the mother) had already bought and paid for?

 

[sam_gordon]

I kept thinking of this thread today. I think if the scenario presented were only slightly different, the response would be unanimous:

20 years ago a 54 year old woman was suddenly widowed. That woman had always depended upon her husband for things like basic household maintence (even changing lightbulbs), yard work, pumping gas into the car and handling property tax bills. In her grief the woman was lost and feeling helpless and turned to her married adult daughter who lived in town for help. The daughter and her husband picked up much of what her dad used to do---they dropped by to mow the lawn, they came over on weekends when needed to handle maintence and even to fill her gas tank. They even paid the property tax bill---intercepting it before the widow even knew it was there. They never asked for payment for any of this and are, to this day, adamant that they do not want/expect it. The daughter even included her grieving mother in family dinners for the first year or two, but eventually becamse resentful of this and told her mom to start making her own meals and eating at home. The mother and adult daughter have a strained relationship and get on one another's nerves quite a bit.
Now, the adult daughter and her husband no longer like the town---it's changed and they are empty nesters. They want to move away and have found the perfect dream home to move into. Having not discussed it at all with their mother (who is both physically and mentally fit) they've decided she should sell her home and move into a 55 plus community, since they will not be there to help her with these basics anymore. Furthermore, they've decided they they get to keep the proceeds of the sale of her home so that they can use that to pay for their new home. After all----they did all that maintence and paid all those taxes so clearly they are owed the money from selling her home, right?

I mean seriously, I cannot fathom one poster here defending the above, even though it is a very similar situation. In fact, in the OP's situation the maintence and tax costs (in both time and money) to the OP'S family would be much lower than if it were a seperate home.

I agree that's similar but with one glaring difference... the mother living with daughter & husband. IMO, that does change the dynamic because with the children selling the home, the mother now HAS to find (presumably with relatively short notice) other living arrangements. Changing the story so the children are living separately than the mother changes things significantly.

So, I go back to that it is FINE to no longer want to live together and FINE to want to move. HOWEVER, it is wrong not to include the mother on the discussion from the begining and to help her move into whatever situation SHE chooses for herself---and it is very wrong not to pay her her share of proceeds from the sale of the home, which is her home as well as OP's (one she, the mother, paid for).

This is my biggest issue. I totally get the OP wanting to move and not wanting to take the mother with them. I think it's "bad" to not discuss this with the mother. If the mother doesn't accept that (that's about the worst that can happen), then it's "mom, this is what's happening whether you like it or not." Of course, the OP has to do that anyway, but the key is how much time the mother has to make arrangements.

 

[cabanafrau]

Or imagine yourself widowed at a young 54 years and when your married daughter offers to take you in your think to yourself "yippee I don't have to pay rent"!!! That to me is the clincher. That Mom paid no rent for 20 years. That probably accounted for MORE than half the house she had sold.

Earlier on in the thread you said you've known many widows, but none who have been taken advantage of by their kids. This response kind of makes it seem you feel the more anticipated scenario is the widowed parent taking advantage of their kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree that's similar but with one glaring difference... the mother living with daughter & husband. IMO, that does change the dynamic because with the children selling the home, the mother now HAS to find (presumably with relatively short notice) other living arrangements. Changing the story so the children are living separately than the mother changes things significantly.

.

Oh yes--it means that the mother is forced to move if her child wishes to do so---no doubt. It puts the mother in a much more vulnerable situation. But I do not think it changes the financial situation much----the fact that the homes are attached to one anotehr doesno't make it more OK for the OP to keep the proceeds from selling both than it would if the homes were across town from one another

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh yes--it means that the mother is forced to move if her child wishes to do so---no doubt. It puts the mother in a much more vulnerable situation. But I do not think it changes the financial situation much----the fact that the homes are attached to one anotehr doesno't make it more OK for the . OP to keep the proceeds from selling both than it would if the homes were across town from one another

Let's say mom sold her house and rented an apartment, $700 a month (cheap). Over 19 years, that's about $160,000. Over the past 19 years, I've paid over $200,000 in property taxes alone, not to mention upkeep. How muck did mom shell out for her apartment addition?

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I also... how to word this?

I'm seeing lots of references to "this is the right thing to do because" with references to the money and who got what, was it fair, etc.

To me, that has little to do with what's right here. OP insists she did this out of the goodness of her heart. But then goes into a lot about resentment because of what the siblings (or was it sibling?) got, etc.

That has to be put aside, IMO. It muddies the water.

Either you do something because it's the right thing to do, or you don't. That in and of itself, not the surrounding circumstances. Regardless of the rest.

No question, it's been a difficult journey for OP. Often it is the things which are most difficult that have greatest meaning and worth, in terms of life. I would advise OP to worrying so much about everything else other than her situation with her DM and that alone.

Once again, as I said in my first post on this thread. Just because you have the right to do something it doesn't necessarily follow that it's the right thing to do.

OP, you seem like a nice person. You need to search in your heart to figure out what, if any, obiligation your have to your DM. I sense that you are a bit torn about it. Don't make the mistake of making another mistake here. Don't act until you're absolutely certain what the right thing to do is. I don't think this has to be as black and white as is being portrayed here. Find the middle ground, whatever that might be. As I said before, life has a funny way of twisting and turning.

I have more of a universal view than a selfish one, myself. I sort of think that everything we do, and the situations we're placed in, are there for a reason. I know not everyone agrees with that. But I suspect you do. You are just a little confused, and probably overwhelmed, with all the details. (Understandably.) It's also hard when you have others around you egging you on in a way that doesn't jibe with the way you feel in your heart.

I read a good book not too long ago in which the author talked about how elders are revered in most other societies. Many of us here seem to have lost that somehow. Here it's me, me, me. Elders don't fit in with how we want to live ourselves. And dammit we have the right to be [fill in the blank]! Hey, I get it, it's hard! It's inconvenient! It downright sucks sometimes! But that - at least to me - doesn't change what I feel my obligation is, especially when I made a commitment. No way will I not be keeping up my end of the deal, even when life gets difficult.

Before my father passed away, one day he asked me to promise I'd always take care of my mother. I think I was college age, and he was sitting at my dining room table. I said of course I would, not giving it a whole lot of thought at the time. But I sometimes think back to that conversation of so many years ago. I've had a lot of life experiences since then and I understand now than ever more where he was coming from. We had a lot of problems in my family. It would've been nice if my father's business was more successful, or if he didn't have so many problems related to his service in WWII, or if my mother had a different type of personality or drive, etc., but that wasn't how it was. I've had to deal with the reality. The important part to me, in retrospect, is that all of those experiences made me who I am today, and I get it. Just because I grew up with difficult circumstances doesn't mean I have to perpetuate them. I'd rather strive to make them better while keeping in mind what matters most to me. YMMV. People can believe whatever they want to believe, but *I* believe that everything we do counts.

I imagine I'll get flamed for this post, but have at it. I'm more concerned the OP hears what I am trying to say.

And to be clear, I am not saying that the OP shouldn't necessarily not go forward with her plans. But I am saying things have to be done the right way. For everyone. (And so far, it's not off to a great start.)

I think what makes me the most sad about this whole situation is that the DM trusted the OP and her sib(s) to do the right thing by her. THAT is my takeaway. Trust, but verify.

I think I get what you are saying but you cant give someone 20 dollars if you only have 5 well I take that back you could if you have credit

 

[NHdisneylover]

Let's say mom sold her house and rented an apartment, $700 a month (cheap). Over 19 years, that's about $160,000. Over the past 19 years, I've paid over $200,000 in property taxes alone, not to mention upkeep. How muck did mom shell out for her apartment addition?

sigh--yet again, the mother did not rent. She paid for the construciton fully at the time---paying cash up front is always cheaper than rent or a mortgage over that long of a time period. And I would be stunned if a small apartment on a small bit of land near a larger home would cost $200,000 in property tax over the years.
That said, it would have been reasonable for the OP and her husband to look at the difference between the property tax the year before the addition was built and the year after and ask the mother to cover her share, and as taxes rose through the years continue to ask her to pay that percentage each year. However, they chose to never mention it. OP says she never wanted her mother to pay that. And to ask for it as a "lump sum" 20 years later while selling someone's home and not igving that someone the proceeds of the sale is jsut plain morally wrong IMO.
I go back to my example---IF the homes were located on seperate lots and the OP had chosen to intercept and pay property tax bills for her mother, would you feel itwas OK for the OP to now tell her mother when the home sells she (OP) gets all the proceeds becuase of that? Or any?

 

[mjkacmom]

sigh--yet again, the mother did not rent. She paid for the construciton fully at the time---paying cash up front is always cheaper than rent or a mortgage over that long of a time period. And I would be stunned if a small apartment on a small bit of land near a larger home would cost $200,000 in property tax over the years.
That said, it would have been reasonable for the OP and her husband to look at the difference between the property tax the year before the addition was built and the year after and ask the mother to cover her share, and as taxes rose through the years continue to ask her to pay that percentage each year. However, they chose to never mention it. OP says she never wanted her mother to pay that. And to ask for it as a "lump sum" 20 years later while selling someone's home and not igving that someone the proceeds of the sale is jsut plain morally wrong IMO.
I go back to my example---IF the homes were located on seperate lots and the OP had chosen to intercept and pay property tax bills for her mother, would you feel itwas OK for the OP to now tell her mother when the home sells she (OP) gets all the proceeds becuase of that? Or any?

I think it really depends on how much mom paid for the addition. If mom kept her home, she would've been paying taxes and maintenance on it. How much money does mom have left? Those over 55 places that provide food, laundry, housekeeping, activities are expensive, and it's not clear what type of senior housing the OP is talking about. The OP did indicate that she would be helping her mom out financially.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Hmm. Just joined, 20 posts. I wonder if we're being...... Aaaaaak OOOOHHHH NO!!!!