Foster kids and Christmas- how does it work?

[Grumpy's Gal]

Fostering is such a blessing and so very hard. There are always reasons that they can not be with their birth families and each case is so different. I can say my family and those we know love the kids in their care as their own whether for one day or for years. Most kids come with a black trash bag with anything they were able to bring. Every positive action into their life help with the all the negative. Lists might be simple but most likely very well thought out if the child is older. Thank you for choosing to bless this child interntionally.

This little girls list is very simple. A doll of her own and NEW PAJAMAS with monkeys on them! Oh yes, we can do that and more! We are planning a shopping trip over the weekend and I'm so excited. We have her first name and I'm absolutely positive it's not something that you can find on a personalized ornament so we're having one made for her. We can tie it on her present.

 

[Mizzoufan]

This little girls list is very simple. A doll of her own and NEW PAJAMAS with monkeys on them! Oh yes, we can do that and more! We are planning a shopping trip over the weekend and I'm so excited. We have her first name and I'm absolutely positive it's not something that you can find on a personalized ornament so we're having one made for her. We can tie it on her present.

What a blessing you are going to be for her

 

[SC Minnie]

Not all kids in foster care are placed in homes yet. They may be in a transitional group home setting until an individual foster home is available.

 

[OneOftheB's]

In Atlanta, one of the radio celebrities has a toy & gift drive for the foster kids in Georgia and beyond. We usually shop for a child as a family. I think it's a great way to open my 7 & 10 year olds eyes about how fortunate they are. The lists that the foster kids (or foster parents if the kids are too young) really touch my heart; we've seen everything from the hot new toy to luggage so they don't have to transport their few items in garbage bags when they are moved to a different foster home.

There are some amazing foster families out there who do as much as possible for their kids, but sometimes money is really tight. Then there are some foster families who only provide the basics paid for by the state.

 

[SG131]

My two foster girls will have TONS of presents because not only am I Christmas crazy but my extended family all shops for the kids and they are treated the same as any other kid in the family.

Unfortunately, I know this isn’t usually the case. I was told every kid from our agency has to register for a present from them. I tried to opt out because I know there are kids that need it and my girls will probably end up with too much as it is... They wouldn’t let me, so I just put one item on their wish list. I feel awful taking away from those kids that really don’t get treated the same or are in a placement that can’t afford as much for the holidays.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I think each foster situation is different so ita difficult to say exactly how it works.

Exactly.

A little different from fostering, but we are in a situation of having just taken guardianship of our 11 year old great-nephew. When we took guardianship, we fully expected to take on the entirety of his care including vacations, Christmas gifts, everyday needs, extracurricular activities, etc.

Then we found out that his mother and maternal family (and parts of his paternal side as well) consider the definition of "raising" a child gifting him with everything under the sun with expensive gifts and cash, but letting everyone else actually raise him. We have had him since August and he gets a card with $100 cash every month from some aunt, Amazon deliveries every few weeks with toys, video games, pricey gym shoes and Halloween costume pieces, and has come home from his mother's house on the weekends with a new phone and bluetooth earbuds, among other things. He came to us with a minimal amount of clothing so I went out and bought enough to get him through at least a week of laundry, then he tells he later that he has at least 3x as many clothes at his moms house (it came up when I told him to pack a bag for the weekend the first time he went there for the weekend). My fault, I guess, for not clarifying it with the mom, but I would have thought she would have sent most everything he has since he is with us 5-6 days and with her 1-2 day a week, if that!

We actually had to tell his mother to tell everyone to stop sending stuff to our house and send it to her instead because my own 11 year old who has been a GREAT sport about the whole thing, is now sharing his entire life (bedroom, belongings, school, classes, friends, etc) with nephew and is getting discouraged at his own life turned upside down while his cousin is getting the best of all worlds (in DS11's eyes, at least. We understand the reality)

Anyway, nephew told us that he has 4-5 relatives that he gives a Christmas List to, who usually buy everything he asks for (this year he is asking for a laptop and hoverboard, among other things). So, DH and I revised our plans to be "fair" and make sure he is on par with what we get our kids, down to 2 gifts - one is an early gift of theater tickets to see White Christmas on Nov 28th in downtown Chicago (my kids LOVE that movie, so we are surprising them with tickets on T-giving, and Nephew will be with us since it's a weeknight) and dinner before the show at Sugar Factory. His 2nd gift will be a college-themed shirt/sweatshirt for the college he likes. He will be with his mother for Christmas so we will give him his gift before he leaves for her house Christmas Weekend.

My out of state family does a pick-a-name for the grandkids, so each kid gets one gift at our annual Christmas party. Nephew is not included in that as he will not be there for the party (he will be at his mom's) and he has several aunts and uncles in his family who get him gifts (see above). If this wasn't the case, and he was coming to the party, he would be included in the gifts. I don't think my mother will be getting him anything because she has never met him. Nephew's grandparents do not get my kids anything - his maternal grandfather is my kids' uncle and he has never bought my kids a gift for any occassion.

If my nephew didn't have the steady stream of gifts from his family, we would make sure he had an appropriate ratio of gifts to what we give our kids. I feel it comes with the responsibility and honor of taking care of a child. IN this case, though, nephew is getting more in both qty and value than my three put together! I cannot justify splitting my gift budget by 4 instead of 3 when one of them will get way more than my kids will ever have.

 

[stsomewhere]

I just fostered a teen for 3 weeks while the CPS investigation took place. She came with the clothes on her back. We gave her a backpack and school supplies, the high school had a clothes closet, which she received a lot of clothes. We bought her shoes, a winter coat, cell phone, phone cards , personal products, etc. I bought her a nice suitcase to keep her stuff in when she went to her permanent home. I think i spent about $500 total , not including food and family outings.

 

[cabanafrau]

Exactly.

A little different from fostering, but we are in a situation of having just taken guardianship of our 11 year old great-nephew. When we took guardianship, we fully expected to take on the entirety of his care including vacations, Christmas gifts, everyday needs, extracurricular activities, etc.

Then we found out that his mother and maternal family (and parts of his paternal side as well) consider the definition of "raising" a child gifting him with everything under the sun with expensive gifts and cash, but letting everyone else actually raise him. We have had him since August and he gets a card with $100 cash every month from some aunt, Amazon deliveries every few weeks with toys, video games, pricey gym shoes and Halloween costume pieces, and has come home from his mother's house on the weekends with a new phone and bluetooth earbuds, among other things. He came to us with a minimal amount of clothing so I went out and bought enough to get him through at least a week of laundry, then he tells he later that he has at least 3x as many clothes at his moms house (it came up when I told him to pack a bag for the weekend the first time he went there for the weekend). My fault, I guess, for not clarifying it with the mom, but I would have thought she would have sent most everything he has since he is with us 5-6 days and with her 1-2 day a week, if that!

We actually had to tell his mother to tell everyone to stop sending stuff to our house and send it to her instead because my own 11 year old who has been a GREAT sport about the whole thing, is now sharing his entire life (bedroom, belongings, school, classes, friends, etc) with nephew and is getting discouraged at his own life turned upside down while his cousin is getting the best of all worlds (in DS11's eyes, at least. We understand the reality)

Anyway, nephew told us that he has 4-5 relatives that he gives a Christmas List to, who usually buy everything he asks for (this year he is asking for a laptop and hoverboard, among other things). So, DH and I revised our plans to be "fair" and make sure he is on par with what we get our kids, down to 2 gifts - one is an early gift of theater tickets to see White Christmas on Nov 28th in downtown Chicago (my kids LOVE that movie, so we are surprising them with tickets on T-giving, and Nephew will be with us since it's a weeknight) and dinner before the show at Sugar Factory. His 2nd gift will be a college-themed shirt/sweatshirt for the college he likes. He will be with his mother for Christmas so we will give him his gift before he leaves for her house Christmas Weekend.

My out of state family does a pick-a-name for the grandkids, so each kid gets one gift at our annual Christmas party. Nephew is not included in that as he will not be there for the party (he will be at his mom's) and he has several aunts and uncles in his family who get him gifts (see above). If this wasn't the case, and he was coming to the party, he would be included in the gifts. I don't think my mother will be getting him anything because she has never met him. Nephew's grandparents do not get my kids anything - his maternal grandfather is my kids' uncle and he has never bought my kids a gift for any occassion.

If my nephew didn't have the steady stream of gifts from his family, we would make sure he had an appropriate ratio of gifts to what we give our kids. I feel it comes with the responsibility and honor of taking care of a child. IN this case, though, nephew is getting more in both qty and value than my three put together! I cannot justify splitting my gift budget by 4 instead of 3 when one of them will get way more than my kids will ever have.

Guardianship is treated differently in Michigan than foster care. Even in foster care situations, when children are placed with family who are NOT officially licensed with DHHS as a foster parent there is no financial stipend from the State, the financial burden is entirely on the foster parents.

You are very definitely in a very sticky situation with a child who receives no real "structure" from his nuclear family, yet loads of material things. That's very unusual and I can see why it's such a difficult balancing act with your own child that same age who's watching this. There is no reason his mother shouldn't send significantly more of his wardrobe to your home at the very least. The judge overseeing the guardianship would probably approve some financial support being supplied by the parents, but I can understand that filing the request will no doubt bring plenty of accusations of your money hungry motivations from the very people who won't lift a finger to truly raise this kid but want to shower him with ridiculous materialism -- the means for which would no doubt evaporate if they were asked to financially provide for his actual upkeep or put it away for his future educational needs. Those types of situations almost beg for a swift kick in the pants for people who should know better, and would know better if they even partially engaged their brains.

 

[BLAZEY]

This little girls list is very simple. A doll of her own and NEW PAJAMAS with monkeys on them! Oh yes, we can do that and more! We are planning a shopping trip over the weekend and I'm so excited. We have her first name and I'm absolutely positive it's not something that you can find on a personalized ornament so we're having one made for her. We can tie it on her present.

Be careful with the name. Are you 100% sure it's her actual name and not a "code name". I work for a christmas wish tree charity and for reasons of confidentiality, we use code names on our wish bears. the only thing real on them is the gifts the child wishes for and the age and gender. We have many unique names in order to meet the coding criteria.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Guardianship is treated differently in Michigan than foster care. Even in foster care situations, when children are placed with family who are NOT officially licensed with DHHS as a foster parent there is no financial stipend from the State, the financial burden is entirely on the foster parents.

You are very definitely in a very sticky situation with a child who receives no real "structure" from his nuclear family, yet loads of material things. That's very unusual and I can see why it's such a difficult balancing act with your own child that same age who's watching this. There is no reason his mother shouldn't send significantly more of his wardrobe to your home at the very least. The judge overseeing the guardianship would probably approve some financial support being supplied by the parents, but I can understand that filing the request will no doubt bring plenty of accusations of your money hungry motivations from the very people who won't lift a finger to truly raise this kid but want to shower him with ridiculous materialism -- the means for which would no doubt evaporate if they were asked to financially provide for his actual upkeep or put it away for his future educational needs. Those types of situations almost beg for a swift kick in the pants for people who should know better, and would know better if they even partially engaged their brains.

Right....here too, as far as foster vs guardianship. We are allowed to apply for "Child Only" benefits through the state for health/dental care and TANF benefits (which is only like $100-200 a month, if that), but in order to do so, the court will go after the parents for child support, which will go to us for him, if they can collect it. The child only benefits do not take into account my or DH's income - just the child's imcome, which of course is zero. But we have been leery about applying for the exact reasons you stated - the mother has been "OK" about giving us money....$25 about once a month for snacks, as she says, and she has paid for his extracurricular fees. She said she wanted to know about any expenses that come up, and while I have not expected her to actually pay them she has been pretty good about it. Mostly I just don't tell her that a $10 field trip fee is due, or that he needs crazy socks for spirit day, etc, but we have told her about the school registration fees and sports registrations and she has paid them.

The school fees would be waived if he gets state medical, and he would get free lunch, but pretty much everything else would still be an expense, and although I would say we have a polite texting relationship as of now, if she feels we betrayed her by getting state benefits (and thus "going after her" for child support) I am afraid that will change. DH says she is being on her best behavior right now but it will change as soon as she goes through one of her downward-spiral "episodes" again, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is a REASON he is with us...if they were good parents to begin with, he would still be with them. So we should apply for the benefits, because who knows when the helpfulness from his parents (ha...I mean, mother. His father is a true deadbeat dad) will end, and at the very least we can put away the stipend from the state and use it for things like his 8th grade school trip (Wash DC - and it's very expensive), a car when he is 16, or as a savings toward college.

 

[DisneyOma]

Yes - exactly what she said. Very manipulative.

I'd manipulate that woman right out of my family I've actually done it to a few relatives over the years. It sure feels nice to have some peace and quiet and kindness during the holidays!

 

[Wubar]

Yes - exactly what she said. Very manipulative.

Wow. That's awful.

 

[VAfamily1998]

I've seen a few posts referencing foster children arriving at foster homes with their belongings in a trash bag, so I wanted to mention a charity that I am aware of, started by a man who is somewhat local to me. It's called Comfort Cases and it provides foster children with a backpack or or other bag filled with some new items (blanket, pajamas, book, etc.) It's a really great cause. https://www.comfortcases.org/

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

My two foster girls will have TONS of presents because not only am I Christmas crazy but my extended family all shops for the kids and they are treated the same as any other kid

YES! I love this. These are kids. They didn't choose this situation.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Be careful with the name. Are you 100% sure it's her actual name and not a "code name". I work for a christmas wish tree charity and for reasons of confidentiality, we use code names on our wish bears. the only thing real on them is the gifts the child wishes for and the age and gender. We have many unique names in order to meet the coding criteria.

No, I'm not sure.

 

[descovy]

Yes, definitely pajamas, also a piece of luggage. It doesn’t have to be large. Kids luggage is usually pretty fun. And socks and underwear. Just because “your own” pj socks and underwear can be hard to come by

 

[punkin]

Right....here too, as far as foster vs guardianship. We are allowed to apply for "Child Only" benefits through the state for health/dental care and TANF benefits (which is only like $100-200 a month, if that), but in order to do so, the court will go after the parents for child support, which will go to us for him, if they can collect it. The child only benefits do not take into account my or DH's income - just the child's imcome, which of course is zero. But we have been leery about applying for the exact reasons you stated - the mother has been "OK" about giving us money....$25 about once a month for snacks, as she says, and she has paid for his extracurricular fees. She said she wanted to know about any expenses that come up, and while I have not expected her to actually pay them she has been pretty good about it. Mostly I just don't tell her that a $10 field trip fee is due, or that he needs crazy socks for spirit day, etc, but we have told her about the school registration fees and sports registrations and she has paid them.

The school fees would be waived if he gets state medical, and he would get free lunch, but pretty much everything else would still be an expense, and although I would say we have a polite texting relationship as of now, if she feels we betrayed her by getting state benefits (and thus "going after her" for child support) I am afraid that will change. DH says she is being on her best behavior right now but it will change as soon as she goes through one of her downward-spiral "episodes" again, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is a REASON he is with us...if they were good parents to begin with, he would still be with them. So we should apply for the benefits, because who knows when the helpfulness from his parents (ha...I mean, mother. His father is a true deadbeat dad) will end, and at the very least we can put away the stipend from the state and use it for things like his 8th grade school trip (Wash DC - and it's very expensive), a car when he is 16, or as a savings toward college.

I've been there. It's so hard to find a balance and walking on eggshells is not in my character. In the end it didn't matter. No matter what we did, we were the bad guys.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I would have told her that if she ever did that she would not be welcome in my home. So sad that anyone can think that way.

+1

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Yes, definitely pajamas, also a piece of luggage. It doesn’t have to be large. Kids luggage is usually pretty fun. And socks and underwear. Just because “your own” pj socks and underwear can be hard to come by

Yep! Years ago the lady who arranges for adopt a families said many of these kids have never had NEW underwear. Only hand me downs. So she's getting new underwear. And we're also buying pkgs of new underwear for 5 more kids in an adopt a family we're working with. I'm sure the person checking me out at the store will wonder.....underwear in six different sizes " man that lady must have a lot of kids!"

 

[ronandannette]

My two foster girls will have TONS of presents because not only am I Christmas crazy but my extended family all shops for the kids and they are treated the same as any other kid in the family.

Unfortunately, I know this isn’t usually the case. I was told every kid from our agency has to register for a present from them. I tried to opt out because I know there are kids that need it and my girls will probably end up with too much as it is... They wouldn’t let me, so I just put one item on their wish list. I feel awful taking away from those kids that really don’t get treated the same or are in a placement that can’t afford as much for the holidays.

What would you think about involving your girls in choosing a "Wish Tree" child of their own? If you could swing it, not only would you be giving back into the system (not that I think it's necessary, mind you) but I could see it really meaning something to the kids to be blessing another child with whom they could identify. Merry Christmas to all of you!