Did your son or daughter go on a "grand adventure" after high school?

[crazymama]

Thanks for the wide array of responses! Kids really do feel the pressure to figure it out quickly it seems. My DD feels "old" and worried about her path... making the right career decisions right now. She's only 17 for goodness sake. I remember feeling the same way at her age but not to the same degree.

 

[DaisyJ]

Yes, it was called college.

 

[dish rag]

No they started university within a few months of graduating. They had lots of adventures growing up and had been to many places. I figured this would give them the incentive to get right to schooling to prepare for a decent future.

 

[luvsJack]

Thanks for the wide array of responses! Kids really do feel the pressure to figure it out quickly it seems. My DD feels "old" and worried about her path... making the right career decisions right now. She's only 17 for goodness sake. I remember feeling the same way at her age but not to the same degree.

They really do feel that pressure. To the point that some think if they don't have it all figured out at hs graduation, they are going to be a failure.

 

[LisaR]

I admit I snicker when most people say "gap year." Unless the person has an large sum of money, most gap years end up with the kid working some boring job and arguing with their parents the entire time. I've read about kids that have truly grand adventures, but I don't actually know any of them personally. Everyone I know can barely afford college and they most certainly aren't willing to fund an adventure for their kid. If my kids wanted to do a meaningful gap year and did the research, made the plans, and had a means to fund it, I would absolutely support that. But babysitting or busing tables at the local cafe while they lived at home? Nope. That isn't a gap year and that's the reality of everyone I know personally who has tried for the gap year "adventure."

 

[dosekies]

As another 24 year old with no kids who recently graduated, I see nothing wrong with taking a 'gap year'. During high school years, it was pushed that you needed to go to college or you would be a failure. My school made it seem like even going to our local community college was a joke. I look back now and honestly the amount of pressure on 17 and 18 year olds to figure out their lives right away is kind of ridiculous. If you have been in school from pre-K through high school, why not take a little break!? Work, travel if you have the money, save money to pay for the school you'll attend next year. Not only does it take off the stress from the pressure that you HAVE to go to college right away, but if she is working, it can also help with paying for it. It's really hard to realize how much college actually costs until you are getting those loan bills every month!

Sorry, I ranted a bit, but I say she should take that year off from school if she likes!

 

[mamacatnv]

They really do feel that pressure. To the point that some think if they don't have it all figured out at hs graduation, they are going to be a failure.

This is so true. DD's high school from the get-go freshman year wanted them to select a pre-college path so they would zoom right off to college. Not every single kid is able to handle that kind of pressure. We are really learning this lesson the hard way with DD
Also, my kids are 10 years apart in age and went to high school in different parts of the country, my DS did not experience any where near the amount of pressure that DD has to "know" what she wants to do etc.
I never thought I would be a parent supporting a gap year until I found myself in the shoes of a parent whose child NEEDS a gap year just to get her bearings out of high school.
DD had a very rigorous high school career and despite all the AP/IB and "pre" life planning, she is still at a loss. Its time to take some time to breath, not shove her into another 4 years of hard core academics.

 

[mefordis]

In my opinion the best time to travel is in your early 20's. In your 20's you can do lots of things and "recover" or make up the time easily. Once you start in the workforce, most people don't want to interrupt their career to travel, hike the PCT, work at a ski resort, or any number of things that are incredibly fun and life enriching. College will always be there. Youth goes fast.

Also, if I had a HS graduate who was hesitant to start college, I'd be hesitant to pay for it.

 

[dosekies]

This is so true. DD's high school from the get-go freshman year wanted them to select a pre-college path so they would zoom right off to college. Not every single kid is able to handle that kind of pressure. We are really learning this lesson the hard way with DD
Also, my kids are 10 years apart in age and went to high school in different parts of the country, my DS did not experience any where near the amount of pressure that DD has to "know" what she wants to do etc.
I never thought I would be a parent supporting a gap year until I found myself in the shoes of a parent whose child NEEDS a gap year just to get her bearings out of high school.
DD had a very rigorous high school career and despite all the AP/IB and "pre" life planning, she is still at a loss. Its time to take some time to breath, not shove her into another 4 years of hard core academics.

I will say this as well, I was the kid from elementary school through high school that had to be perfect. I got amazing grades, was in band, played a bunch of sports, never went out partying or getting in trouble. It really made the stress so much worse and definitely made college worse, too. If you feel that she needs that year, then definitely let her know. My stress and pressure followed me into college and spiraled into major depression and anxiety because I felt that I was not as perfect as I was in high school. Had I had a year to slow down and really think about what was going on and what I wanted, I think it would have helped immensely. I absolutely love that you seem so open to this and seem to understand what she is going through, because it doesn't feel like most parents are like that right now!!

 

[mamacatnv]

I will say this as well, I was the kid from elementary school through high school that had to be perfect. I got amazing grades, was in band, played a bunch of sports, never went out partying or getting in trouble. It really made the stress so much worse and definitely made college worse, too. If you feel that she needs that year, then definitely let her know. My stress and pressure followed me into college and spiraled into major depression and anxiety because I felt that I was not as perfect as I was in high school. Had I had a year to slow down and really think about what was going on and what I wanted, I think it would have helped immensely. I absolutely love that you seem so open to this and seem to understand what she is going through, because it doesn't feel like most parents are like that right now!!

Thank you - I admit, it took us awhile to realize that she needs some time and I have to say, she has a plethora of plans for this year of hers. She is going to explore, travel independently on her own dime, swap physical labor for room and board etc. I think at this point, this is the best decision for her and ultimately, its not about anyone else's expectations (mine included) this is about her. She is 18 years old, the world of opportunity is not going to cease to be available just because she takes a year to define what is next.

We also have to remember that the time frame of a year is pretty much dictated by our higher education system. Starting college on a spring semester is tough due to the prerequisites from the fall semester and if going away to college, housing mid year can be hard to come by, thus this breather has morphed into a year. 2 semesters, 2 semesters in the grand scheme of life is something I can deal with.

 

[crazymama]

In my opinion the best time to travel is in your early 20's. In your 20's you can do lots of things and "recover" or make up the time easily. Once you start in the workforce, most people don't want to interrupt their career to travel, hike the PCT, work at a ski resort, or any number of things that are incredibly fun and life enriching. College will always be there. Youth goes fast.

Also, if I had a HS graduate who was hesitant to start college, I'd be hesitant to pay for it.

Agreed. I was a bit of a pill in my first year of university. I was immature and discovered boys and beer (not necessarily in that order lol) and blew a lot of money on pathetic grades. I wasn't a bad kid... just a bit of an idiot "feeling my oats". I pulled it all together in my second year but that first year? What a waste.

 

[mom2rtk]

I admit I snicker when most people say "gap year." Unless the person has an large sum of money, most gap years end up with the kid working some boring job and arguing with their parents the entire time. I've read about kids that have truly grand adventures, but I don't actually know any of them personally. Everyone I know can barely afford college and they most certainly aren't willing to fund an adventure for their kid. If my kids wanted to do a meaningful gap year and did the research, made the plans, and had a means to fund it, I would absolutely support that. But babysitting or busing tables at the local cafe while they lived at home? Nope. That isn't a gap year and that's the reality of everyone I know personally who has tried for the gap year "adventure."

I agree. I think this is one of those things that is very much going to depend on one's financial resources. No families around here can afford to help with college and fund an adventure before starting.

 

[luvsJack]

I admit I snicker when most people say "gap year." Unless the person has an large sum of money, most gap years end up with the kid working some boring job and arguing with their parents the entire time. I've read about kids that have truly grand adventures, but I don't actually know any of them personally. Everyone I know can barely afford college and they most certainly aren't willing to fund an adventure for their kid. If my kids wanted to do a meaningful gap year and did the research, made the plans, and had a means to fund it, I would absolutely support that. But babysitting or busing tables at the local cafe while they lived at home? Nope. That isn't a gap year and that's the reality of everyone I know personally who has tried for the gap year "adventure."

I think it depends on what the kid and parents define as adventure. It doesn't have to mean leaving the country. It could mean many different things to different people.

I know for my own child, it will mean basically traveling all over the southeast with a group. Sometimes having to pool their money to keep gas in the car and buy a pizza to split. And it means chasing a dream. It also means her working to support this chase.

Now admittedly, her time is coming a bit later as she is a year out of high school but she gets free tuition now and I don't plan to work forever so she needed to complete those two years first. Besides her age required it too.

For another kid it could mean working with a charitable organization for a year and helping people in need right in their own city. Or being a starving artist trying to make it on Broadway or selling their art or whatever.

Without a plan or a goal for the year, I agree with you that it may mean bussing tables. But without a goal, school could mean a low gpa, academic suspension or financial aid suspension and a whole lot of trouble getting back in school.

 

[ols386]

If a young adult wants a gap year, why not take it right after they graduate from college?

 

[Westcoastwild]

Oh man, what a timely thread!

My DD graduates from high school in June and the past 8 months have been consumed with the college process. After all, her brother went right to college, then on to grad school and is now working in the field he always wanted. We had the same expectations for DD, however, DD is not her brother and she needs to find her own way. It took me awhile to come to this conclusion.

When it came down to the wire, 3 days ago, DD had only applied to schools that we really could not afford.
Believe me, she "knew" the budget, she "knew" what we were willing to do etc. etc. etc. but she did not listen.

This all came to a head the other night. I was stressed beyond stressed as we were facing either DD not going to school in the fall or all of us taking on a tremendous amount of debt which we had sworn up and down we would not do nor would we allow her to do via co-signing etc. We sat DD down and told her that we could not/would not make her choices happen.
So now what? Tears, two days of not going to school and hiding at BFF's house etc. I let her lick her wounds and then I tackled what I finally understood to be the real issue which DD confirmed.

She is not ready to head off to college, by only choosing unreachable schools (financially) she put herself into a position of not being able to go. By choosing a University in New York City, it gave her access to the city where she would like to intern/shadow a chef. She viewed college as a means to her adventure not wanting to consider the costs. She has absolutely no idea what she wants to do. She thinks she might like to be a baker, a lawyer, a politician or maybe an advocate of some sort - she is clueless and the idea of having to pick a path had her running for the hills, making lots of bad decisions etc.

Once we all realized this (sometimes us parents can be a bit slow) we took a deep breath and listened to what DD wanted.
She is going to take a Gap year, she wants to shadow/intern a chef as she really thinks culinary is in her future AND she is going to go off and travel a bit via WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms). I honestly had no idea she wanted to do this but I guess in retrospect, we have been so college focused that we didn't hear or see this. Fortunately we have connections in a few major cities to help aid in housing while she pursues an internship in culinary and we have a very close family friend who is very high up in the industry who can help her in this endeavor. We bought her a membership for WWOOF Hawaii and she is planning a few months in the islands on various farms.

We are not funding this like a grand tour of Europe nor are we funding this much in general. She has an 8 week residential job already lined up for the summer, that along with her savings will fund airfare and spending money to Hawaii - WWOOF farms will provide some sort of housing and some/all meals. She is planning 3-4 months in Hawaii at various farms. Her Grandfather thinks this is a wonderful idea and has offered up $100 a month deposited to her bank account for "pocket money".
Then she will return home where she will work for a few months, save her money and then set off on some sort of culinary adventure. She will work/travel over the next year.

We are going to revisit college applications in the fall for the fall of 2018 with a completely different mindset.
We maintain that no matter what she does, we will not support a decision that will leave her with major debt at such a young age.

Surprisingly to me, once we realized what was really going on and what we needed to do, the fog lifted, the stress was gone and I am totally ok with this path for DD.
The whole house slept much better last night.

This is super, super smart. Good for you. My parents admit now that they made the mistake of forcing me to go to a 4 year university when I was not ready. They still claim that it was because "their generation" had a negative view of community college.

But all it ended in is debt for both me and them. It turned out all right. I grew up a lot, living on my own, and I gained a lot of self confidence. Discovered what I was really passionate about and met some incredible professors. But at 18, in hindsight, perhaps I should have fought with them until I got my own way, even if it caused irreparable damage to our relationship. They need saving from themselves. A mentor in high school told me I had to learn to say NO to my mother because parents don't always know best. Learned that lesson about 6 years too late, unfortunately.

You know, though, I don't think gap year is the way to go, unless she's go a specific plan. Maybe she should take a few classes at the local community college. And then I would encourage her to do something like study abroad. Seeing how people live in different regions or countries was such a huge eye opener. I really regret I never did study abroad as an undergrad. I started to learn so much about myself when I started to travel solo. My mother was super anxious over it. But it gave me a lot of confidence in myself and took away a lot of my fear of other people and new situations.

 

[powellrj]

My oldest joined the army and went to Iraq. He came back motivated to go to school and will graduate next month.

My other 2 went to college right out of high school, but one is still under employed 3 years after graduating.

 

[FrenchGirl]

I wouldn't be funding a gap for my kids to travel for a year. Although my daughter did delay starting college by one semester, but she was working during that semester. I don't see what benefits there would be for my 18 year to go traveling around the world or country.

I think there are a lot of benefits! Education is not confined to a classroom; There is a whole big world out there! If I could afford to, I would send my girls on a trip through Europe- France, Spain, Germany, the Netherlands, etc. So many cultures represented in a relatively small area.

I also think traveling promotes independence. I think if I'd had that opportunity as a young person my life would have followed a very different path.

 

[godders]

I didn't take a gap year but I have spent plenty of time abroad gaining work experience for my career and travelling. I was able to develop skills in leadership (managing 60 volunteers daily), teaching (making sure they didn't kill themselves or the animals), project management (enclosure building), conflict management, time keeping, diary management, research skills, personal safety, how to deal with emergencies, the list goes on and on.

I am tougher, more independent (I will travel anywhere alone for anything), more focussed, and learnt not to give into peer-pressure from travelling abroad.

OP and anyone else thinking of encouraging your child to get out into the world a bit - please encourage them to do it, it is an amazing world out there but do not pay for it (contribute a bit if you can or match their own contributions). Your kids will learn more and appreciate the trip because they have earned it. Seriously, the number of volunteers I've worked with who were sent by their parents and caused a hell of a lot of trouble would shock you. Ownership of their trip is really important and will help them in the long run with budgeting, earning money, target setting and the like.

 

[Felicis]

Where I come from (New Zealand), it is pretty common to take 2 years out to live and work in the UK, travelling through Europe on a shoestring. I know that as soon as I was old enough to know about it, I planned to do it. And yes, I did it. Only thing is that we tend to do it after getting our bachelor degrees (so 22ish), rather than at 18ish. Best of both worlds. Get some study and skills under your belt, travel and refine what you want to do, or move into your career (we can work in the UK with the ways our visas work, and yes, move forward in careers for a certain amount).

Travelling a wee bit older than straight from school meant that I funded the entire thing - which IMO is the right way to do it. I never expected parental support (and in truth, wasn't possible anyway). Dealing with managing finances in order to live over seas and see the world set me up so well for managing finances for my life (I didn't have an out, if I was broke, there was no back up at home, it was all on me) and I know that it is behind many of my choices and successes in life.

 

[Branflakes]

My oldest went straight to college. He worked full time over the summer for as much extra money as possible for his freshman year. And subsequently each summer, and Christmas break when home, he worked full time hours. What else would he be doing? He and his brother always had part time jobs once old enough, around 15 and so they had a strong work for what I want ethic. They had everything though. A little spoiled. We paid for school, and very lean "spending money". He saved his money for the fun side of college that we weren't funding.
As for travel. He did. He went on all the "alternative spring break trips" Jamaica, Australia, England and back to Jamaica. He saved and went on various vacations with friends. His job was college, so that was the priority. Had he chosen to do a Gap Year, and travel and such, that would have been on his dime not mine. He graduated and is amazingly successful for his age.
My youngest joined the Air Force. He knew he didn't want to go straight to college. And, he intentionally waited to leave for boot campuntil the following February. He worked full time, spent a lot of time with family and friends. And went on a few small trips and one big one to Disney, family graduation trip.
He is gaining rank fast, driven and a leader and immensely happy with his choice. And also is taking college classes after all. Funny how it all works out.

Our kids were given a choice.
Go to college WITH A PLAN. I'm not paying for you to "find yourself" for the foreseeable future. Or go and find a way to pay for it yourself if you don't want to have a direction.
Join a branch of military that suits you. Don't care which one. Don't care what kind of job you pick, just be committed.
Get a full time job somewhere, a roommate and find an apartment within 6 months of graduating HS. Sitting on my couch, with a Red Bull and a game controller isn't happening.

So, that's how it went down in my home. Travelling and so on is great. But I wasn't going to even entertain the idea of paying for a year of world travels and fun, while I'm at home and we are the ones who have earned the right to the world travelling. It amuses me parents that do to be honest. I mean, they're 17,18. What have they done in life in those short years to warrant globetrotting? A nice graduation trip is cool. But, 7 am on Monday happens every week. Indefinitely.