Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Hello del! I notice two things that you have said that might tell a lot. The first thing is how you just said like It hurts like hell. And yes It does! Of course it does! Sometimes things can hurt that much. So I am not gonna say just get over it, or move on, or just deal. You have a reason and a right to feel the way you do! I am not disabled like you. So I can’t say anything. But I have had my problems too. Things that like everybody else has or can do that I simply might not ever. I do know how it can hurt that bad

Then you mentioned like being a favorite person. Everybody wants to be included. It hurts to be left out. That can be the worse. But when this kind of crosses over to using the word favorite that is where things are going wrong.

We like totally understand that you are upset and hurt! That is okay. I would be too. But you should not just think about that. You should think about how you can deal with all of this in a good way. That is what I don’t think you are really doing.

I know that you are right that a therapist might not work or might not be good. But what you need is a good therapist. The right therapist. Not all of them are good. For sure. Maybe you can look for some recommendations from your friends and people online in the disability groups? Maybe that would be a start?

I think it might take some work and time and change. But then good things can come.

 

[del12]

I'm not sure where you're from and you don't have to tell us, but here in the US when it comes to therapy, there's patient/client confidentiality. No one HAS to know that you'd be going to therapy unless you told them. And the therapist isn't allowed to tell others you are seeing him or her. It's similar to medical information privacy.

In my personal opinion, I think it takes a pretty wise person to recognize that they need help and go seek out help in the form of a support group, talk therapy, etc. If you personally feel that there's a stigma to seeing a therapist and if you feel that it makes you look weak, that's really unfortunate. Just because somebody goes to see a therapist doesn't mean you have to go forever. Many times, it's just on a temporary basis to help one sort through some things.

You probably have a lot of experience navigating through the minefield of medical doctors, how to find a good specialist who can help treat your spinal injury medical problems. You could apply that same sort of problem-solving skill set to this other area of life.

I'm sorry that it's so frustrating. I'm sorry that you feel like you'd be less of a man if you went to therapy. If other people in your life are giving you a hard time about that, then, well, they need to get a grip.

A "real man" recognizes when he has a problem...and if he feels that he could benefit from some talk therapy, then he'd go and do that. And he'd tell the naysayers in his life to go pound sand if they don't like it. A guy with a chip on his shoulder: (a) recognizes that he could use some therapy; (b) refuses to go because 'what will people say'; (c) refuses to go because he thinks he'll look weak; and (d) continues to wallow in self-pity and misery.

YOU have the power to do something about this. You are a strong individual. Look at how much you've been through. You can do it! Happiness comes from within. Having a spouse won't necessarily make things better...or worse.

You know what? My sister is 45 years old. She's never been married. She'd love to get married some day, but has kissed a lot of frogs and never quite found her prince. She's been to and been in MANY weddings of friends over the years. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. A month ago, she got a dog. And she said since getting the dog, she's been the most content that she's been in a long time. It's gotten her out of her comfort zone. She's met new people while walking the dog every day. She loves it.

My advice, if you want it, is to start with a dog. Better yet, get a certified therapy dog if possible and then your furry companion can go with you literally everywhere.

Take care, my friend. Best wishes to you. And I totally understand being bummed about no WDW trips. We were supposed to go to DL in March. It got postponed to April, May, June. Now I'm just hoping to be able to go in July. It's frustrating. We had another summer trip planned that we had to postpone to next March. Everyone in my household has cabin fever in a bad way! Totally understand how you probably feel about that!

I'm from the US and I understand about HIPAA. But, it's a personal stigma for me if I went to a therapist.

 

[morgan98]

I am going to get flamed for saying this, but I think we are being punked.

 

[focusondisney]

I don't want to be that age and not married. I could probably deal with not having kids. But, I don't want to die alone.

The point is, getting married isn’t a given for anyone. Disability or not. We all have things in our lives that we are not happy about & many of those things are out of our control. But how we deal those things is up to us & within our control. The simple fact is, not everyone ends up married or finds their life partner. The more bitter & depressed you get over things you can’t change, the less attractive you become. To friends & potential life partners. So you can’t change your disability. Right now you can’t change your romantic situation. But you can change how you react to those things. But that requires work in your part. If you won’t go for counseling, consider self help books or groups to change your attitude. Or don’t do anything & continue living the same life you currently are. And who knows, you might just push away your friends & family & end up really alone.

 

[Moliphino]

I don't want to be that age and not married. I could probably deal with not having kids. But, I don't want to die alone.

Things don't always go as planned. I didn't expect to still be single at 33, but here I am and my life is fine. There are benefits to being single, too. Better to be single than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, in my opinion.

 

[cabanafrau]

I am going to get flamed for saying this, but I think we are being punked.

It's entirely likely.

 

[disneychrista]

I you aren’t happy alone you will never be happy.

I have many of the same struggles as the OP. Never feeling included, always feeling like I’m on the outside, that I’m an after thought, feeling like I’ll always be alone,etc. But I agree with your statement 100%. That is what I am currently working on. Being happy by myself.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't want to be that age and not married. I could probably deal with not having kids. But, I don't want to die alone.

Then do something for yourself and see a therapist.
If you aren't willing to do what it takes to help yourself be happy then you can't expect anyone to be happy with you. I've dated miserable people and it made me miserable. And even though you think you are happy go lucky around friends believe me they can tell you aren't.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I am going to get flamed for saying this, but I think we are being punked.

I considered that possibility too. It reminds me a bit of the guy who didn't want to let his child go to Disney with her (his?) friend's family because he couldn't afford to pay back the favor.

It could very well be real though, and if so I'm in the "get therapy" camp.

 

[TippyThomas]

Group therapy might help you find exactly what you're looking for on many levels.

 

[focusondisney]

I am going to get flamed for saying this, but I think we are being punked.

Well, just in case he storms off in a huff, the rule!

A close friend of mine is getting married in December. They finally made plans on who's going to be in their wedding party and I'm not in it. I know wedding parties are stressful and cost money. I've never had the experience and I suspect the reason I get left out of this stuff is in large part because I'm disabled and use a wheelchair. I know it's sounds ridiculous that I'm upset, but it just hurts that I'm never really good enough to be a part of major events in the lives of friends and relatives. I'm just tired of being nobody's favorite friend, nobody's favorite brother, nobody's favorite nephew, nobody's favorite cousin etc. I understand that everyone gets left out in life, but for me it has never been my time to get included in anything. I'm also feeling down as upcoming trips to WDW and to Mexico have put on hold and I really could use some getaways to clear my head.

 

[mjkacmom]

Things don't always go as planned. I didn't expect to still be single at 33, but here I am and my life is fine. There are benefits to being single, too. Better to be single than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, in my opinion.

My friend married her ex at 33, she admits it was a mistake, she felt like he was her last chance. She is so much happier after her divorce.

 

[VandVsmama]

But, it's a personal stigma for me if I went to a therapist.

Group therapy might help you find exactly what you're looking for on many levels.

I've been to group therapy for 2 situations in my life and both times, it helped me SO MUCH to compare notes with other people who were going through the same things I was. It was often SO validating just to hear directly from others that they really understood how I was feeling.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So you want to be invited for the sole reason of being invited but not to actually support the wedding couple because you'll be upset about being alone and not included in the actual wedding party? Alrighty then..

 

[Wendy1985]

Yes counciling is not forever if you dont want it to be

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

If you want to say personal stigma then that is all on you. The hurt and pain are real. But everything else here is all on you. Just you. Only you. Not fate. Not everybody else. Just you.

 

[Donald13]

I’d advise against talking to him about it. He made his decision. And yes it’s tough to be left out i know but don’t put him on the spot.

 

[Heather07438]

You seem like you want a partner for companionship and have that special someone to share life with and be in each other's corner. To help give your life goals and meaning. Though in essence, those thoughts could straddle thinking a partner could rescue us.

Only we can save ourselves from our hang-ups. A partner can support us working on things but they can't and never will save us. Most of that has to come out of us individually. That's a huge step towards finding a functional relationship. A relationship doesn't fill in the gaps, it multiples the positives or negatives. Working toward a better fulfilled version of self increases the happiness, quality and likelihood of finding a partner and maintaining a healthy relationship. Finding a partner is the first hurdle but the quality is what makes it or breaks it. In the end it always comes back to us and how prepared we are to contribute and share a life together.

Some of those friends marrying will divorce or be miserable because of these hurdles. So what if you arrive later if your arrival is solid. That's what matters more to your happiness.

 

[skittles67]

Please, please, please, talk to a therapist. I am begging you to please talk to someone. That feeling of helplessness and not being happy with the life you have been dealt is too much to try to get through on your own. You can say things to a therapist that you can never say to a friend or relative. You have to get those feelings out and learn how to deal with them.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I think you are confusing groomsmen with ushers. Most of the weddings I've been to have two ushers(who aren't groomsmen) who escort people to their seats.

Every wedding I’ve been to, including my own, the groomsmen were the ushers as well. Maybe it’s a regional thing?