NFLDERS
Stay Safe
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2013
I also... how to word this?
I'm seeing lots of references to "this is the right thing to do because" with references to the money and who got what, was it fair, etc.
To me, that has little to do with what's right here. OP insists she did this out of the goodness of her heart. But then goes into a lot about resentment because of what the siblings (or was it sibling?) got, etc.
That has to be put aside, IMO. It muddies the water.
Either you do something because it's the right thing to do, or you don't. That in and of itself, not the surrounding circumstances. Regardless of the rest.
No question, it's been a difficult journey for OP. Often it is the things which are most difficult that have greatest meaning and worth, in terms of life. I would advise OP to worrying so much about everything else other than her situation with her DM and that alone.
Once again, as I said in my first post on this thread. Just because you have the right to do something it doesn't necessarily follow that it's the right thing to do.
OP, you seem like a nice person. You need to search in your heart to figure out what, if any, obiligation your have to your DM. I sense that you are a bit torn about it. Don't make the mistake of making another mistake here. Don't act until you're absolutely certain what the right thing to do is. I don't think this has to be as black and white as is being portrayed here. Find the middle ground, whatever that might be. As I said before, life has a funny way of twisting and turning.
I have more of a universal view than a selfish one, myself. I sort of think that everything we do, and the situations we're placed in, are there for a reason. I know not everyone agrees with that. But I suspect you do. You are just a little confused, and probably overwhelmed, with all the details. (Understandably.) It's also hard when you have others around you egging you on in a way that doesn't jibe with the way you feel in your heart.
I read a good book not too long ago in which the author talked about how elders are revered in most other societies. Many of us here seem to have lost that somehow. Here it's me, me, me. Elders don't fit in with how we want to live ourselves. And dammit we have the right to be [fill in the blank]! Hey, I get it, it's hard! It's inconvenient! It downright sucks sometimes! But that - at least to me - doesn't change what I feel my obligation is, especially when I made a commitment. No way will I not be keeping up my end of the deal, even when life gets difficult.
Before my father passed away, one day he asked me to promise I'd always take care of my mother. I think I was college age, and he was sitting at my dining room table. I said of course I would, not giving it a whole lot of thought at the time. But I sometimes think back to that conversation of so many years ago. I've had a lot of life experiences since then and I understand now than ever more where he was coming from. We had a lot of problems in my family. It would've been nice if my father's business was more successful, or if he didn't have so many problems related to his service in WWII, or if my mother had a different type of personality or drive, etc., but that wasn't how it was. I've had to deal with the reality. The important part to me, in retrospect, is that all of those experiences made me who I am today, and I get it. Just because I grew up with difficult circumstances doesn't mean I have to perpetuate them. I'd rather strive to make them better while keeping in mind what matters most to me. YMMV. People can believe whatever they want to believe, but *I* believe that everything we do counts.
I imagine I'll get flamed for this post, but have at it. I'm more concerned the OP hears what I am trying to say.
And to be clear, I am not saying that the OP shouldn't necessarily not go forward with her plans. But I am saying things have to be done the right way. For everyone. (And so far, it's not off to a great start.)
I think what makes me the most sad about this whole situation is that the DM trusted the OP and her sib(s) to do the right thing by her. THAT is my takeaway. Trust, but verify.
^^^ This...
Pea-n-Me: My dad also asked me, and Dh the same thing. He too was a WWII Royal Navy Vet. He was so young when he left mom a new bride, and went overseas for 6 years. He sacrificed so much for love of his family, and Country. He returned with PTSD which brought him to war at home for years with Alcoholism. While he won that battle, and enjoyed 14 years of sobriety his heart took a tremendous toll.
He knew time was running out, and wanted my mom not to worry for her future. She also did not drive. We were not as young as you (29 & 30) and for that I greatly admire you. My dad was just 64 years young when he passed, and Mom 63. Mom was 88 1/2 when she left us to be with her beloved again.
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