What do you do when therapy doesn't work?

[Deparfea]

Things have been difficult this past year between some extended family members. The people involved finally agreed to go to therapy in recent months. However, it simply isn't working. Without getting into specifics, there are basically two sides to the situation, with multiple people on each side. One side has admitted to their role in creating this strained relationship. I am on that side. The other side continues to insist that they've done nothing wrong and are simply the victims in the situation.

I am so angry, frustrated and sad. Every attempt we have made to get the other people involved to understand that there are issues on BOTH sides, has been met by resistance. I am ready to throw in the towel and sever all relations with the other people involved. So many accusations and harsh words have been thrown back and forth, and I'm ready to be done with it. I'm sick and tired of being told I am wrong about EVERYTHING which is absolutely not true.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you had to disown relationships with any extended family members? I just worry how it will impact the rest of the family, when they've done nothing wrong. Any insight or advice would be very much appreciated.

 

[quasar4legs]

I don't have any experience with this situation but I think if the people involved are not willing or able to resolve their differences then there is not much you can do.

Is it possible for you to remain neutral and continue to see all family members?

I'm afraid I don't have any answers but I do hope your family can resolve their issues.

 

[mommasita]

I am praying that you can all resolve this. I know it won't be easy, and perhaps a professional can offer guidance from here?

I can tell you that my sister decided to cut off the rest of the family about 5 years ago. Not extended like you mentioned, but I will give you how it has worked for us.

I have watched my mother spiral DOWNHILL fast since this happened. All that is left is myself, my 2 children, and my husband. My parents have divorced many years ago, and we have NO extended family. Basically this is slowly killing my mother. IT is heartbreaking to watch. I have lost her, and so have my children, because of my sister. She has made zero effort to reach any of us, and all our calls, letters, anything have gone unanswered.

Slowly, I have accepted it, I have no option, but my mother just can not fathom or recover, and although she is in therapy, I doubt it will happen.

So, rather long, and sorry for that. I just wanted to give you how it "might" feel for some family members.

God bless you for trying as hard as you are.

 

[brat]

glulp, yes.

not fun but it is hard when folks you love do not want to admit they play their role in the dysfuntion.Remember that those who think they are victims also think they do not need to do anything.So if they admit their part that means they have to do something. Find people who bring out the best in you and support you.Work with those in your family that are willing to work and know just because the others are not willing now does not mean they will not later. Somethimes they just need to see you come out the otherside better
to trust the process.

 

[clandrum]

I have been in this situation and I am going through it now. While I have not "disowned" any of the family members I do not talk to them. I have come to the realization that just because we are family does not mean we have to be in a relationship. I am happier and a lot of my other family members are hapier to because they are no longer dragged through the drama that went with the constant arguing. If someone brings up that family member I just simply say I hope they are doing well but I choose not to discuss them. It took a while to get used to doing that but it is so easy now. I do wish we were able to have a relationship but that simply can not happen until they change their lives so until that happens I pray for strength.

I hope you are able to come to some sort of arangement that brings you peace.

 

[DisneyFairytale]

Things have been difficult this past year between some extended family members. The people involved finally agreed to go to therapy in recent months. However, it simply isn't working. Without getting into specifics, there are basically two sides to the situation, with multiple people on each side. One side has admitted to their role in creating this strained relationship. I am on that side. The other side continues to insist that they've done nothing wrong and are simply the victims in the situation.

I am so angry, frustrated and sad. Every attempt we have made to get the other people involved to understand that there are issues on BOTH sides, has been met by resistance. I am ready to throw in the towel and sever all relations with the other people involved. So many accusations and harsh words have been thrown back and forth, and I'm ready to be done with it. I'm sick and tired of being told I am wrong about EVERYTHING which is absolutely not true.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you had to disown relationships with any extended family members? I just worry how it will impact the rest of the family, when they've done nothing wrong. Any insight or advice would be very much appreciated.

You can't do anything else if those who need help, refuse to use it. If this is becoming a verbally or mentally abusive, you should not have to put up with it. It's unfortunate because it usually takes a really unfortunate situation to occur for people get a different light on things and change their ways, but unless they are willing to work with other in solving differences, you can't do much else.

Try to keep your chin up. Know you're not alone.

 

[Christine]

I have not been in a group therapy session such as you describe.

But the one thing I know about the "therapist" is that they almost act like a mediator of sorts. Often times, one side is wrong and other isn't and it's up to a good therapist to point that out.

In your case, what does the therapist have to say about the side who thinks they've done no wrong? Is is true? It could be entirely possible that they truly don't have a huge role to play in this dysfunction (just being a devil's advocate here).

A good therapist will show each side where their failings are and guide them to recognizing it. Is it possible that the therapist has failed?

 

[wifey1220]

Unfortunatly family is hard. My husband's family has never liked me. Every couple yrs they pretend like they like me and then they start fighting with me. They go to my husband and complain and tell him all the things they hate about me. They twist everything I say. I started only texting and emailing them on important topics (like the time of a family party, ect). That way I have prove of what I actually said. They are always trying to set me up. It is a terrible relationship but after 14yrs I have finally learned to live with it. Over the yrs they caused me terrible anxiety and depression. I would cry and beg my husband to let me stay home. I never wanted to visit them. I don't want to be somewhere when I am not wanted. My mil and sils act like the mean girls movie. But I think family is very important. I am not going to let them hurt me emotionally ever again. I pray every night to have the strength I need to deal with all the crap. Right now my husband is angry with the family. He doesn't want to see or talk to them. I keep telling him to call and I am going to take the kids to see their Grandma for mom's day. Even if she does hate me I am going to be the better person and do what is right.
I hope your family can work things out or at least fake it untill the crisis blows over. Family is very important. Try to keep your relationships. At the end of the day just be proud of the way you acted. Dont stoop to their level. Over the yrs I have noticed one thing about my family they will eventually get over. But never forget.