Parenting advice

OMG I can't tell you how many times we looked for car keys:hyper::hyper: Seemed to be fave thing to hide. Finally I made about 10 sets of keys and I played the hiding game:rotfl2::rotfl2:
Appearantly when I was a kid and my family members babysat me a common thing I would do is throw their keys outside in the grass :eek:

I don't even know how old I was but I'm positive I was at least the age to know better than to do that :laughing:
 
It's been trial by fire for sure, and I learn every day, but I could not love these kids, nor their dad anymore than I do, so I'll keep trying and learning.
I feel for you but I know you're trying.

My stepmom never had any kids before she met my dad but we were already 8/9 and 11/12 so it was a different type of parenting going on but still I remember the struggles she went through and also the support she gave me but I also remember the times she overstepped (certain things she did or said especially when it was to me about my mother :sad2:--which I know you're not doing just giving it as an example).

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice already on trying to limit hiding things he shouldn't be hiding. I know it's a fairly new position you're in (remembering the dating time and now marriage time) so take it easy on yourself.

I do think though that the relationship with your mother-in-law may need to be talked about only so that you can set up boundaries for the future. I get it when parents prefer to have their kids look dressed to a T but it's one thing if they are doing it because they want to and it's another when they are doing it to avoid someone else close to them criticizing them. If you're ok with the pressure then ignore that aspect of the thread but if you're not then I would at the very least talk it over with your husband and things that he may be able to do to ease that pressure or at least he can be the sounding board.
 
Have you tried explaining that it isn't kind to hide other peoples' things? Maybe give him a bin of super special hiding objects (not necessarily just toys-maybe some colorful socks, an old set of keys, a broken remote) and let him know that its ok to hide these objects, but not others.

As for his mother's things, I think 2 things should happen. A) she should jot send things that she would be upset to lose and B) The adults should put anything they don't want messed with out of reach. Maybe sister's leotard should be stored on the top shelf of the closet?

This is just a phase and he will grow out of it.

As for your MIL, I have never cared even a bit what someone else has to say about my parenting. I do what I feel is my best for my kid, and that's all that I can do. I'd reccommend you do the same. Wrinkled pants never hurt anyone, but you qre showing your MIL that she can bully you, and that is a bad precedent to set.
 
Oh my gosh---I SO do NOT miss getting everyone up and out in the mornings with little kids. It can be so stressful, and as you say, crazy. If you do even a bit of googling, I think you will find this is a tough time for many families and there is a lot of info out there about how to help things go smoother. If you are not sick of advice yet (I ramble, I know)--here are some ideas:

It is all about ROUTINE and preperation. Try to figure out a good system, then stick with it every weekday with the kids---it might take a few weeks (especially since they go back and forth to their mom's) so it becomes more automatic. Things I would recomend:

Do as much as you reasonably can the night before. Baths, backpacks packed, etc. If there is stuff to go to Mom's and one of you is driving in the morning, maybe put it IN the car/trunk the night before (if he cannot find it, he cannot hide it----yes he needs to be taught not to as well, but morning is not the time for that battle if you have an easy work around).

Breakfast should be simple/fast (I notice you mentioned him hiding things while you cook---saving cooking a hot breakfast for the weekends). Bagles, cereal, instant oatmeal, yogurt, fruit and the like are your weekday morning friends.

You adults need to adjust your routines when the kids are there----in most families I think at least one parent gets up early enough to shower and dress BEFORE the kids are up (or someone showers the night before)---I notice you also mention that your stepson hides things while you are bathing. This might mean getting up an hour or earlier than you do when the kids aren't there---which stinks. Then again, you get times they are not there to sleep in, that's something many of us do not have while in the little kid years!

The kids should have clothes they can dress themselves in (can the 3 year old botton those shirts?) and that need little to no adult work (like ironing)---better if most things mix and match well together and you can just tell then somehting like "today is a long sleeves and pants day" and let them choose and dress themselves (savse you work and also gives them some control over their lives).

Also, I notice you post a lot about what YOU do and should do for the kids in the mornings. If I recall correctly both you and your DH work, right? He should be just as invovled as you are. I hope


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I think that’s a good point for all the ppl who are saying they can’t get things done AND watch the kids. I get up early & go to bed late so that I can get stuff done. That’s just how it is.
 
Yep. My 3rd son (we had 3 boys in 5 years then their sister by year 7) was riding his tricycle down our busy neighborhood street in only his diaper at age 2 before I knew he got out. Face palm. Deadbolts locked at all times after that.

He was our quiet one, but sneaky. I would lose him in the house to find that he had just fallen asleep somewhere dead in his tracks, hallways, climbing the stairs, under beds.

Yep, this one will go to sleep in bed and we'll wake up to him under OUR bed.

I feel for you but I know you're trying.

I do think though that the relationship with your mother-in-law may need to be talked about only so that you can set up boundaries for the future. I get it when parents prefer to have their kids look dressed to a T but it's one thing if they are doing it because they want to and it's another when they are doing it to avoid someone else close to them criticizing them. If you're ok with the pressure then ignore that aspect of the thread but if you're not then I would at the very least talk it over with your husband and things that he may be able to do to ease that pressure or at least he can be the sounding board.

TY, and my DH has my back on his mom. We keep trying with her because the kids love her. If I have to have the kids perfect, I'll keep doing it for now.

Damn! I think you need a spinoff for this issue lol She sounds like a real pill

See above, she can be super critical, but she loves the kids, so I can iron and make sure the house is perfect. DH really helps, especially with the house, so, I shouldn't complain too much.
 
Young mothers, that's what they do. The child can't learn to think, reason or figure things out on their own.
They also aren’t as likely to have “accidents” that could be tragic, etc. Supervising your children adequately doesn’t prevent them from learning to think. When kids go to preschools or daycares are they left alone to fend for themselves?? No, b/c they need almost constant supervision. Btw I am far from being a “young” mother.
 
I'm intrigued. What do you mean by this statement?
I’m just saying keeping them in your site more or less at certain ages doesn’t equate to hovering, imo. There was a pp who thought it was crazy that the 2 parents watched the 2 yr old constantly. I think it’s crazy NOT to watch them. Wouldn’t literally follow them if that’s what the pp actually meant. But, we firmly believe they should mostly within sight for the most part. We have doors locked & gates to block stairs in case he gets away faster than we anticipate (mosy applies to the stairs). But, other than that we don’t child proof. We watch. Like I said, ppl would expcect a daycare facility to know where their child is at all times so why wouldn’t that apply at home?
 
I’m just saying keeping them in your site more or less at certain ages doesn’t equate to hovering, imo. There was a pp who thought it was crazy that the 2 parents watched the 2 yr old constantly. I think it’s crazy NOT to watch them. Wouldn’t literally follow them if that’s what the pp actually meant. But, we firmly believe they should mostly within sight for the most part. We have doors locked & gates to block stairs in case he gets away faster than we anticipate (mosy applies to the stairs). But, other than that we don’t child proof. We watch. Like I said, ppl would expcect a daycare facility to know where their child is at all times so why wouldn’t that apply at home?
I gotcha..but respectfully that still didn't answer the question.

You stated: "They also aren’t as likely to have “accidents” that could be tragic, etc." and based on the PP's comments I'm assuming it was in reference to young mothers. So I was wondering what you meant by young mothers aren't as likely to have "accidents" that could be tragic and what "accidents" you were referring to. And if you weren't referring to young mothers but rather parents who watch their children by never ever letting them leave their sights or whatnot what "accidents" were you referring to? Just intrigued by the comment is all.
 
I’m just saying keeping them in your site more or less at certain ages doesn’t equate to hovering, imo. There was a pp who thought it was crazy that the 2 parents watched the 2 yr old constantly. I think it’s crazy NOT to watch them. Wouldn’t literally follow them if that’s what the pp actually meant. But, we firmly believe they should mostly within sight for the most part. We have doors locked & gates to block stairs in case he gets away faster than we anticipate (mosy applies to the stairs). But, other than that we don’t child proof. We watch. Like I said, ppl would expcect a daycare facility to know where their child is at all times so why wouldn’t that apply at home?
Sure, I guess if you have one kid. Those 20 months were the easiest of my 22 years of parenting, so easy!
 
Sure, I guess if you have one kid. Those 20 months were the easiest of my 22 years of parenting, so easy!
No I get if you have multiple young children. But we also made a choice for us to only have the number of children we thought we could parent they way we thought they should be parented. B/c someone is not able or willing to supervise their child to the extent that we can, does not mean that my choice to supervise more a bad choice that will result in my child being unable to think. My comment was made in response to the pp who stated that.

ETA: I agree that it is much much easier & that’s a choice we made. I have no desire to do it any other way.
 
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We're all just doing our best! I have 3 kids... 18 months apart each. We are doing pretty good I think. I'm definitely not perfect. No one is. Keep reaching out, get some ideas, use what you can and forget what you can't. As long as you have the children's best interests at heart above everything else, you'll be OK.

My mom has always tried to give me helpful advice. I am an only child. She has NO concept of what 3, let alone at the age span is like so I take what she can give me and leave the rest. I appreciate her and love her. But everyone's experience is going to be different.
 
I gotcha..but respectfully that still didn't answer the question.

You stated: "They also aren’t as likely to have “accidents” that could be tragic, etc." and based on the PP's comments I'm assuming it was in reference to young mothers. So I was wondering what you meant by young mothers aren't as likely to have "accidents" that could be tragic and what "accidents" you were referring to. And if you weren't referring to young mothers but rather parents who watch their children by never ever letting them leave their sights or whatnot what "accidents" were you referring to? Just intrigued by the comment is all.
Nothing about young mothers at all. I ignored that aspect. But, I do think if you are constantly watching your children they are less likely to have serious tragic accidents. Not impossible b/c they can move faster than us often! The pp pointed out what she thought were the disadvantages of watching children constantly & I pointed out a possible advantage. Has nothing to do with the OPs situation directly. My comment was more in response to pp who said that kids are supervised well can’t think. That’s absurd.
 
Nothing about young mothers at all. I ignored that aspect. But, I do think if you are constantly watching your children they are less likely to have serious tragic accidents. Not impossible b/c they can move faster than us often! The pp pointed out what she thought were the disadvantages of watching children constantly & I pointed out a possible advantage. Has nothing to do with the OPs situation directly. My comment was more in response to pp who said that kids are supervised well can’t think. That’s absurd.
Ok but what tragic accidents were you speaking about? And what information were you using to get that conclusion?

I think logically there are some accidents that can be prevented by watching your children period vs not watching them at all but I also think some very serious accidents are ones that can happen to any parent even if they are trying to be vigilant.

I understand where you're coming from, I understand where the previous person is coming from (though I wouldn't use young mothers either as a qualifier) though I think the most reasonable and probably widely utilized parenting way is in the middle of the two (extremes are often outliers) however you stated that "They also aren’t as likely to have “accidents” that could be tragic, etc." It's just I'm genuinely interested in the information you stated and where it came from. If you don't want to answer, or in the thread I get it and it's no worries if you don't. Like I said was just intrigued by your comment.
 
Ok but what tragic accidents were you speaking about? And what information were you using to get that conclusion?

I think logically there are some accidents that can be prevented by watching your children period vs not watching them at all but I also think some very serious accidents are ones that can happen to any parent even if they are trying to be vigilant.

I understand where you're coming from, I understand where the previous person is coming from (though I wouldn't use young mothers either as a qualifier) though I think the most reasonable and probably widely utilized parenting way is in the middle of the two (extremes are often outliers) however you stated that "They also aren’t as likely to have “accidents” that could be tragic, etc." It's just I'm genuinely interested in the information you stated and where it came from. If you don't want to answer, or in the thread I get it and it's no worries if you don't. Like I said was just intrigued by your comment.
I was speaking in general about tragic accidents. To me, tragic is something that would seriously injure the child, not coloring on the wall. I guess if pressed for an example, we have a pool. We have locks on the backdoors & even a 2nd door to get through b/c we also have a solarium that we keep locked. But, it only takes minutes of no supervision for that to be a tragic accident. It happens all the time. Not worth the risk, imo. If others think it is, then that’s their decision. But, being overly cautious about my child drowning does not mean that he will be unable to think for himself.
 
Young mothers, that's what they do. The child can't learn to think, reason or figure things out on their own.
I was 24 when I had my now 15 year old only child. I did NOT follow her around at 3. I worked full time and had too much to do for that to be workable.

It isn't bad parenting to not hover over them every second. It's ok to let a toddler play in the living room while you cook in the kitchen as long as your home is set up to a toddler's needs. Bottom line is that we CAN'T watch them every minute, it isn't practical, and in a lot of cases it carries over to older kids and does cause problems.

DD has a friend whose mom has always hovered. She is 14 now and still doesn't do anything without mom. Mom has always read every chapter in the child's school books and wrote study questions for her, always chaperones every field trip and school dance, never lets her visit friends homes only her cousins. She will not even let the child go the restroom in a restaurant without an escort. She has never been to the mall, a move ect without mom or an adult family member right there.

This mom was horrified that I sent my 15 year old into the grocery store by herself for a gallon of milk. "she could have been snatched". I reminded her that in a year they will both be able to drive themselves to the store, and i thought she was going to panic on me. I don't know what is going to happen to this kid when she has to step into the real world. She is utterly unprepared. She is scared of everything because her mother tells her all the bad things that can happen constantly. She generally talks to me about things that happen at school ect that aren't 100% positive because her mom cannot handle it and would be at the school trying to "fix' it. I am seriously concerned that when she goes off to college bad things are going to happen.
 
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I was speaking in general about tragic accidents. To me, tragic is something that would seriously injure the child, not coloring on the wall. I guess if pressed for an example, we have a pool. We have locks on the backdoors & even a 2nd door to get through b/c we also have a solarium that we keep locked. But, it only takes minutes of no supervision for that to be a tragic accident. It happens all the time. Not worth the risk, imo. If others think it is, then that’s their decision. But, being overly cautious about my child drowning does not mean that he will be unable to think for himself.
Ok

I think in the case of a pool and accidental drownings it can only take a split second of looking away. I've rarely, if ever honestly, heard of parents who watch their children in pools for hours on end without ever looking away meaning their eyes were constantly 100% on their child 100% of the time. I think there's a difference between a parent who has had a prolonged absence and one who just briefly looked away. Both could end in a 'tragic accident' but only one of which most people will feel more responsibility lies with the parent or caregiver (the prolonged absence).

One of the things I remember hearing that I was shocked about earlier this year was that many parents don't have carseats properly installed (sorta reminds me in a less serious way how many women are wearing the wrong bra size). In the case of a vehicle accident that could be very important and have zero to do with watching their children every minute. Or also in the case of an accident that parents are buckling up their children in carseats with too many layers on the child and so the restraints aren't working properly. And now the new recommendation for longer rear-facing time.

I've no doubt that parents who are watching their surroundings, watching their children in general, etc prevent accidents because they do to a point. However, I don't think the converse of always watching your children every second of their lives prevents accidents, in some cases very serious ones. Not letting your child get access to tide pods doesn't mean they won't ever suffer from accidental poisoning from something and somewhere for example. Watching your child and not letting them out of your sight doesn't mean they won't ever fall down and suffer minor, serious or fatal injuries. But never watching your child ever I can agree with is an issue.

I just think generally speaking most people do a balance and do what they can (how else do parents go to the bathroom lol unless they always for years and years take their kids into the bathroom with them in their homes, how else do parents take showers unless they always for years and years take their kids into the bathroom with them in their homes and ensure they always have eyes on their child, how else do parents get any sleep at all unless they are constantly awake watching their children, etc).

The PP didn't bring up accident prevention you did so that's why I commented. I do think there's some issues with so-called helicopter parenting (and I'm using that term as most people understand what it means in terms of descriptions) and there's some issues with so-called free-range parenting. But again those types of people are generally outliers and extremes.
 
I think when it comes to "watching children", there are extremes, but the vast majority of us probably fall somewhere in the middle. And the middle is probably pretty large with room for lots of variation.

The personalities of the children also need to be taken into account. I remember a girl I worked with before I had children myself saying that her toddler daughter would sit in the back yard for a half an hour digging in the dirt with a spoon! I'd hoped for something like that when I had my own kids, but alas, God gave me two very active twins that kept me on my toes every moment. The first time I let them out of their stroller to walk in the mall, one ran one way, into a store and under a rack of clothes, while the other ran down an opposite hallway toward the door to outside. :scared: I had to make a split-second decision so I ran after the one headed for the door, temporarily leaving the one in the store and hoping she wouldn't run further away.

At home I also remember them being missing and running around looking for them after my going to the bathroom or something. Couldn't find them until I heard laughter outside - despite the bitter cold and I think a dusting of snow, they were out on the swing set naked having a heck of a time. I wasn't one to hover, but I did need to use the eyes in the back of my head when my two were little because their personalities were such that they were each very active. A friend of mine who used to watch my kids for me sometimes, who had children two or three years apart herself, noted that (let's see if I can say this right)... with twins, they are both around the same intellectual level and you can't generally ask one to help with the other one or go do something the way you can with an older and a younger child. I had never thought about it that way, but it may help account for some of the craziness you feel with two or more the same age.

One of the problems for me, also (so I understand where LSUMiss is coming from) is that I spent three years working in a pediatric ER and saw things that nobody ever wants to see - a foot in a potato salad container that had been severed by a lawnmower, a drowned 3yo, lots of severe lacerations, abuse cases, burns from hot liquids, car accidents and hit by car, critical illnesses, etc. These aren't things you can just remove from your consciousness when you have kids yourself. All these years later I still remember details - parents' faces, screams, sorrow. Safety was always a pretty high priority for me. At home we have a multi-level house but it was pretty safe as we had lots of gates and child proofing, until they learned to climb over gates or otherwise move to a different area. Outside our yard was fenced, and I had certain ways of getting the kids into and out of the car so one didn't run off into traffic (as I'd seen in one particular tragedy from the ER). Pools and the beach were probably the place I was least comfortable because even if other people were around, it was practically impossible to keep an eye on both children at all times (so in those situations, they generally wore vests). That period only lasted for a relatively short while, overall, until they were reliable not to run away and/or could swim on their own.

I think a pp, @firefly_irs, got it right when he or she said we're all doing our best.
 
Amberpi, why in the heaven's name would you try to keep the kids "perfect" for your mother-in-law? That's just so unnecessary and detrimental to the kids. Let the kids be kids. I'm trying to be on your side but making the kids dress or be a certain way for someone else is going to backfire. Stand up for the kids and tell the woman to keep her comments to herself.
 
Amberpi, why in the heaven's name would you try to keep the kids "perfect" for your mother-in-law? That's just so unnecessary and detrimental to the kids. Let the kids be kids. I'm trying to be on your side but making the kids dress or be a certain way for someone else is going to backfire. Stand up for the kids and tell the woman to keep her comments to herself.

I'm coming around to this...but new wife, new step mom, if keeping the kids all ironed makes the woman less tiresome, I'm ok with it for a bit longer. I have made some boundaries about not just "stopping by" but Rome wasn't built in a day, right? And right now I'm having to pick my battles. That's what I keep telling myself at least:)
 

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