Newlyweds Chastise Wedding Guest Because Gift Wasn't Sufficient

[barkley]

A few years ago we attended our neighbors son's wedding. We were told the reason we did not get a thank you was because the happy couple only sent them to folks whose gift "measured" up.

we once received a thank you note over 3 years AFTER the wedding-the sealed and addressed envelope was placed inside another envelope with a printed 'apology' note claiming the bride and groom upon recently moving had 'stumbled over' a box and to their 'surprise' found a number of completed thank you notes that had never been timely mailed.......... um nope-the address on the inside envelope was the same as on the one they mailed it in- which was for the home we had moved to a full 2 years after the wedding........

funny how they miraculously found them just in time to mail them a week before the invite to their upcoming baby shower arrived

 

[Nancyg56]

we once received a thank you note over 3 years AFTER the wedding-the sealed and addressed envelope was placed inside another envelope with a printed 'apology' note claiming the bride and groom upon recently moving had 'stumbled over' a box and to their 'surprise' found a number of completed thank you notes that had never been timely mailed.......... um nope-the address on the inside envelope was the same as on the one they mailed it in- which was for the home we had moved to a full 2 years after the wedding........

funny how they miraculously found them just in time to mail them a week before the invite to their upcoming baby shower arrived

Lol!!!! I know! I prefer no more to hearing we did not give enough or were not worthy of the time or stamp. Just say you don't write thank you! I'm okay with that!! No showers gifts for that couple!!!

 

[goofinoff]

Parents with small children take note.....this is what happens when you raise spoiled, entitled kids! They become spoiled, entitled adults!!!!! Hope her parents are proud!

 

[goofinoff]

we once received a thank you note over 3 years AFTER the wedding-the sealed and addressed envelope was placed inside another envelope with a printed 'apology' note claiming the bride and groom upon recently moving had 'stumbled over' a box and to their 'surprise' found a number of completed thank you notes that had never been timely mailed.......... um nope-the address on the inside envelope was the same as on the one they mailed it in- which was for the home we had moved to a full 2 years after the wedding........

funny how they miraculously found them just in time to mail them a week before the invite to their upcoming baby shower arrived

I had a friend who got married a year and a half before I did (total bridezilla) and never did any thank you notes for her shower or wedding. At my shower I was given some hand made thank you notes from another friend who also attended bridezillas wedding. After I opened my gifts we were all mingling and I told my thank you note friend that I loved them. She made a comment in front of Zilla about how she knew that I would put them to use. Wouldn't you know 2 weeks later thank you note friend, her parents, my parents and I all got thank you notes. She give the same excuse, she found some that hadn't gotten mailed.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A friend of DMIL's sent us a wedding gift before the wedding and was miffed that I hadn't acknowledged it some three weeks later. um, hullo? After DMIL told us her friend had complained, I mailed out a thank you note so she received it -- before the wedding. All of our gifts were acknowledged well within the recommended time frame.

 

[NYDisGuy]

Do people still think you should pay for your plate or is the consensus that the bride/groom should be happy if they get anything? I'm confused by some of these responses. The story in the OP is outrageous but I did get miffed at some of my family/friends when they didn't give anything or no showed.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Do people still think you should pay for your plate or is the consensus that the bride/groom should be happy if they get anything? I'm confused by some of these responses. The story in the OP is outrageous but I did get miffed at some of my family/friends when they didn't give anything or no showed.

I would be annoyed (unless there was a good reason) if someone didn't show, but no way did I care if someone didn't give a gift. To me, the reception is a party and I'm to pay for everything. I don't expect my guests at a party to chip in for refreshments, etc

 

[sk!mom]

Do people still think you should pay for your plate or is the consensus that the bride/groom should be happy if they get anything? I'm confused by some of these responses. The story in the OP is outrageous but I did get miffed at some of my family/friends when they didn't give anything or no showed.

I do not subscribe to the "cover your plate" school of thought. In my view, you give whatever gift you can afford/want to give. I don't get to choose the cost of the party so don't expect me to pay for your choice. That being said, I think my gifts are usually enough that no one would be insulted.

I'm going to a destination wedding next weekend. By the time I pay for a hotel, a weekend of eating out, and a plane ticket for DD19 to fly in from college, I've already spent way too much to attend this wedding. Not to mention, it's on a Sunday so DH is using a vacation day to drive home on Monday. I'm taking a gift but it is much less generous then I would have given if attending the wedding had been less costly.

 

[Vijoge]

Do people still think you should pay for your plate or is the consensus that the bride/groom should be happy if they get anything?

A good many people seem to adhere to the "pay for your plate rule", gifting the happy couple that amount plus some additional. I had never heard of this until I married my former husband many years ago. He said that's how they always did it in his family. (My family was more of "Give what you can comfortably afford"

So if Cousin Sue had her reception at a place that charged $150 a plate, he would feel we needed to give about $400, $300 to cover the cost of our meal and $100 as a gift. But if Cousin Henry chose a more moderate venue the $$ were to be adjusted accordingly.

I didn't think this was fair at all so I told him we would decide together how much to budget for wedding gifts and that every couple would receive the same amount whether they had an elaborate event or a picnic in the back yard.

My feeling is, if you can't afford to feed x number of guests at $150 pp then you either need to trim the guest list or choose a less expensive option. Expecting your guests to pay for it is no different than inviting friends over for dinner and then handing them a bill with their coffee and dessert.

I do think if you RSVP to a reception and then don't show you should definitely "cover your plate plus gratuity" because your lack of manners should not cost the bride and groom money.

 

[Vijoge]

I'm going to a destination wedding next weekend. By the time I pay for a hotel, a weekend of eating out, and a plane ticket for DD19 to fly in from college, I've already spent way too much to attend this wedding. Not to mention, it's on a Sunday so DH is using a vacation day to drive home on Monday. I'm taking a gift but it is much less generous then I would have given if attending the wedding had been less costly.

A co-worker has been invited to a destination wedding next spring. She and her husband will have to burn a week's vacation and just the trip alone is going to run them around $3000. That doesn't include clothes or a wedding gift.

 

[Aliceacc]

Yeah, not a fan of destination weddings. If you want to elope, then knock your socks off. But please don't expect your loved ones to burn through their savings and vacation days to take the "vacation" YOU choose for them.

 

[goofinoff]

I HATE the "cover your plate" rule. If the bride and groom choose to have a dinner that costs $150.00 a plate rather than one that costs $50-$75.00 that's on them. It's not up to me to help them pay for it. If they can't "cover the plates" of their guests, then they need to choose something different. I can't afford to give a $300.00 wedding gift. It's like having a dinner party and then charging admission.

 

[Vijoge]

Yeah, not a fan of destination weddings. If you want to elope, then knock your socks off. But please don't expect your loved ones to burn through their savings and vacation days to take the "vacation" YOU choose for them.

Yeah, there have been some issues already. It's my co-workers BFF from when they were in high school but now the bride wants to cruise to Belize to scuba dive. Apparently none of the 20 or so anticipated guests are certified divers-just the bride and groom. So guests would be forking out a whole lot of cash for a vacation that doesn't even interest them.

 

[sunshinemelody]

I had a friend who got married a year and a half before I did (total bridezilla) and never did any thank you notes for her shower or wedding. At my shower I was given some hand made thank you notes from another friend who also attended bridezillas wedding. After I opened my gifts we were all mingling and I told my thank you note friend that I loved them. She made a comment in front of Zilla about how she knew that I would put them to use. Wouldn't you know 2 weeks later thank you note friend, her parents, my parents and I all got thank you notes. She give the same excuse, she found some that hadn't gotten mailed.

I actually have friends who never mailed out thank you notes for their wedding. At all.

Even if you don't say thanks for the gifts, you could still say thanks for attending! Their academic advisor was pissed because she'd never received a note and bride was complaining and wondering why she had to do so in the first place. OH IDK CAUSE THEY TOOK THE TIME AND MONEY OUT TO COME TO YOUR WEDDING?! Ungrateful.

 

[Disney Doll]

A wedding invitation is just that...an invitation, not a summons. If you don't want to go for some reason, you simply need to send in the response card with "no" on it.

Cover your plate is a guideline some people use...not a rule. Obviously if someone's wedding cost them
$500/plate and they invite me, I'm not going to give them a $1000 gift. I couldn't afford that. But if they're having a relatively normal wedding in our area, the cover your plate guideline will work.

It is the height of tacky rudeness to send a note to your guest belittling their wedding gift. It is also the height of tacky rudeness to not send a thank you note for a wedding gift.

 

[tzolkin]

Do people still think you should pay for your plate or is the consensus that the bride/groom should be happy if they get anything? I'm confused by some of these responses. The story in the OP is outrageous but I did get miffed at some of my family/friends when they didn't give anything or no showed.

Cover-your-plate is a regional thing (guessing from your username that your're from NY). In most places across the country that has never been the expected norm. So it's not necessarily that people are changing this tradition, it is simply not a concept most people have ever even heard of. However, since people are moving around more than they did in the past, you're going to get more people from different backgrounds attending the same functions but their upbringings give them completely different expectations of what's "normal"

Personally, I believe that if you are hosting an event that you are completely responsible for hosting (and all the costs that go along with it). When DH & I invite people over, we like to provide everything as a "gift" to our guests because we enjoy spending time with them. (I don't expect them to bring food, drink, gifts, etc) I see a wedding/large birthday/anniversary party the same way. I am providing a party (food, atmosphere, etc) and inviting guests simply because I want to share the event with them. I do not expect anything in return.

That said, I am sure that the cash gifts I have given have been more than adequate to "cover my plate" at every wedding I have attended (raised in a NY Italian family). But-- I didn't give the amount based on the type of wedding. It didn't matter if it was a super-formal expensive event or a backyard BBQ. What I gave was what I wanted to give the couple as a gift, not something I gave out of an obligation to help them pay for a wedding they couldn't afford (that expectation is extremely infuriating to me).

To be completely honest, I am often moved to give more to a couple who has a super simple wedding than a huge "cover-your-plate-expected" type wedding. Two factors here: 1. They need the money more than someone who can afford a lavish wedding and/or 2. They are more financially sensible and will maximize the gift to the benefit of their new family.

 

[AtlantaDisneyDreamer]

This thread makes me want to never attend another wedding.

For fear of offending someone or violating some custom I have never heard of or just appearing downright rude, I think I will just play it safe and stay home.