My Child invited on a Family trip , who pays for what?

[zoo2tycoon]

I took a friend to Disney when we were on high school in the 80’s. We stayed at the Contemporary in room with my parents. We drove down - my parents paid for (hotel and food). She just had souvenir and ticket.

I honestly never thought about this- I guess if my kids had been invited on a vacation with friends I’d never assume the other family would pay. I’d offer the cost and then if not accepted get a gift card or something for them. If I invited a kid on a trip I’d say we are going to XX and would like you child to come with us - they would need money for XX . Maybe this is all a regional thing like wedding gifts .

 

[lanejudy]

Mom said airfare and spend money when she first mentioned it. ...
... Shes asking for airfare, admission to parks and money for meals.
I havent told the mom yet but no way we can do that ...

I think the key here is that the other mom changed the agreement; maybe it was more expensive than they initially realized but her reasons for changing don't really matter. Regardless of the dollar value (every family has different limits), the initial ask involved airfare and spending money. Now she has tacked on admission to parks and money for meals. That is easily a reason to back out. But I do think you need to tell her sooner rather than later so they don't continue making plans that include your DD in the trip. They could end up with non-refundable expenses if you wait.

Your DD is a good sport to understand family finances can't always stretch for special extras.

 

[MrsPete]

That's the way it is "suppose to be" but honestly once it becomes hundreds of dollars I think the rules change. There is a huge difference between inviting & paying for a friend to the local water park or the movies vs a vacation that includes airfare.

Disagree. Whether it's a small-spend or a large-spend, if you invite, you pay. If you can't afford to pay, don't invite.

Most of the time, a child is invited for the benefit of the family’s child. I can’t imagine putting another family on the spot and asking if they would pay money to send their child on my family vacation.

Agree. Parents typically make these invitations because they have an only child /want the child to have a friend on the trip ... or some variation on this theme. Including the friend-child is to benefit the family.

 

[Nancyg56]

Disagree. Whether it's a small-spend or a large-spend, if you invite, you pay. If you can't afford to pay, don't invite.
Agree. Parents typically make these invitations because they have an only child /want the child to have a friend on the trip ... or some variation on this theme. Including the friend-child is to benefit the family.

I think you get to set the rules in your home, but you do not get to set the rules for others. In my home we always paid when we took friends, however I did not have to consider airfare on our trips. Today, our circumstances are different so if we invite someone we pay the entire amount and can now include air, so our destinations can expand.

If someone wanted to join us, and I had not extended a specific invitation, I am not sure how I would divide the expenses.

This is not a kids birthday party where you wonder if you should pay admission into the games offered, it is an expensive vacation destination.

 

[luvsJack]

Disagree. Whether it's a small-spend or a large-spend, if you invite, you pay. If you can't afford to pay, don't invite.
Agree. Parents typically make these invitations because they have an only child /want the child to have a friend on the trip ... or some variation on this theme. Including the friend-child is to benefit the family.

And the trip is a benefit to the friend. Its not like the friend is only going to help out the family.

And no, it doesn't have to be that the inviting family pays. That may be how you do it but not everyone.

We took dd's bff on many trips. In the first few, we paid for everything and then found out her grandmother was giving her a large sum of money to help pay her way that she was using for t-shirts and junk. So we started planning a bit differently and would come up with an amount that was her part. (mainly for food and attractions) Her grandmother gave us the amount we stated and gave her spending money.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The complicated nature of stuff like this was just another reason we never brought friends along on major trips (local outings, sure, but not vacations).

 

[Colleen27]

I don't think there's any right or wrong as to who pays, as long as the expectations are clear up front. We do pay for everything but souvenir shopping/spending money when we take the kids' friends with us on vacation, but that's because we're fortunate enough to be able to do so and some of the kids' closest friends come from families who can't afford much travel themselves. I traveled a lot with a close friend when I was a child and it was the same then - she was an only child and her parents were happy to pay for me to join them so that she'd have someone her own age to have fun with (and I didn't realize until I was a parent myself that this probably made the trips more relaxing for them too!).

I do think there is a right and wrong in how to handle making the offer, though. I would never involve the kids until after I spoke with the parent(s) and knew we were all on the same page, just to avoid any unnecessary resentment and hurt feelings. And once everyone has agreed and the trip has been presented to the kids, it is wrong to change up the "terms", IMO. I wouldn't want to put a friend's parents in the position of being the "bad guy" and saying no to something the kids had gotten all pumped up about by not being clear on the cost or changing those costs after the trip was approved.

 

[Meglen]

To be fair.. if this trip is longer than 2 days 700$ is cheap. Airfair alone can be 500 round trip than the tickets are already 100$ a day and who knows about room costs and food. For a 5 -6 day trip paying for just her part would be closer to 1400$.

For this parent to not say this upfront is rather sketchy and to ask the child before working out the details with the parent is also a huge no no.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

There is not right or wrong here. They told you what they would expect for you to pay and now you can make an informed decision.

But surely before building up a child’s hopes, the hosting parents should discuss the planned invitation with the guest’s family? This is what I have always done, even though I generally pay for everything (other than flights when the guests are not travelling on the same flight as us).Parents may have many reasons to refuse an invitation, other than cost and it seems unfair to invite a child without a parent’s prior approval.
I always appreciate a thank you on our return from holiday and will accept and appreciate the offer of a drink from the child guest, as a thank you. I have found that usually the guest’s parents return the invitation at a later date.

 

[anniemae]

But surely before building up a child’s hopes, the hosting parents should discuss the planned invitation with the guest’s family? This is what I have always done, even though I generally pay for everything (other than flights when the guests are not travelling on the same flight as us).Parents may have many reasons to refuse an invitation, other than cost and it seems unfair to invite a child without a parent’s prior approval.
I always appreciate a thank you on our return from holiday and will accept and appreciate the offer of a drink from the child guest, as a thank you. I have found that usually the guest’s parents return the invitation at a later date.

I don't think so. I mean these kids are 16, almost adults. If we were talking 9 or 10 year olds maybe, but at 16 I think they can handle an honest conversation about why they can or cannot go. It's life. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they just don't. I feel like a 16 year old should be part of the discussion and decision making process.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

This past December, DD18 wanted her bestie to come to NYC with us. They've been friends since Pre-K. I called the mother, said you pay airfare for her, and one show ticket for her daughter - I got the rest. I paid for the room (we were going anyway), car service to and fro the airport (again, we were going anyway) and food. Bestie bought some bagels, snacks and one dinner for us all. It much easier when the agreement is upfront.

OP - sorry it didn't work you

 

[mamamary]

It's good that now you have all the info. up front. A few years ago when my dd was about 17 her friend invited her to the Jersey Shore for a few days. My dd was told that they would be staying at some kind of assisted living facility that has rooms for rent that family members can stay at. While I thought it was kind of a weird set up apparently that's what they do when her friend visits her grandmother. I was surprised when my daughter got home and all her spending money was gone. Apparently my daughter had to pay half of the room price. They put my daughter and her friend in their own room. Yes it was our fault for not getting the details ahead of time and we would have let her go anyway. We did get a chuckle that her long weekend was spent staying in an assisted living facility.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

So typical for myself and my friends when we were teens (which was 10 years ago) and we would invite our friends to join us on family vacations.

Family typically pays for accommodations
If flying, invited friend pays for airfare unless told otherwise by inviting family
If driving, family drives and pays gas
Invited friend pays for meals - probably just in a rounded lump-sum at the end of the day or end of the trip (but the family will probably at least once say "no, on me")
Family pays for groceries (if staying in a vacation rental)
Friend pays for souvenirs

 

[Praying Colonel]

I know there have been threads about this in the past but I havent been on here in a while and for some reason my search isnt working
So my 16 yo DD was asked to go on vacation with a friend
Mom said airfare and spend money when she first mentioned it
I told her it would depend on cost because we have a pretty big family vacation planned ourselves and DS 's college tuition is due soon.
So today i find out the total would be about $600-700 minimum for DD to go, which is way more than airfare and spend money
Shes asking for airfare, admission to parks and money for meals.
I havent told the mom yet but no way we can do that, plus Im a little surprised. If i asked a friend to go , I may expect something but not all that
DD is disappointed but she completely understands
Thoughts?

My thoughts are it's OK to back out if you don't want to pay that much, since you told her from the beginning it would depend on final cost.

 

[cedricandsophie]

We have a disabled adult daughter and we always take her best friend. I have never and would never ask for money. It’s for our daughter’s pleasure. We have done lots of DWD trips, cruises and an annual trip to Aulani. We are lucky to be able to afford an extra person. And her friends family could never afford to pay much if anything toward her trips. She does bring a small amount of money for souvenirs.

 

[disykat]

I don't think the friends necessarily changed their offer, you just got down to talking details. It's good to get the details. Airfare and spending money is what they said. I tend to consider the ticket prices to be spending money. I think the definition of spending money will differ by person. Sounds like a communication glitch.

Some people might think it only means souvenirs, some might think it means everything they will spend outside of transportation and housing and food, some might think anything outside of transportation and housing, some might even include housing in "spending money." I also think the terminology could change based on age. If mom was talking to the other adult and said "spending money" she might be thinking expenses, but if she was talking to the child about "spending money" I'd assume she meant things like souvenirs.

Basically the mom is only offering housing and perhaps a seat in a rental car - and is expecting the child to pay all other expenses. Personally I would never offer that, but everyone is different. I'd just let her know it won't work out for her to join them.

I've been involved in the planning of youth trips at church and we are always very clear of exactly what the kids are expected to have money for. (if at all, because expecting kids to have money is not always smart!) x number of meals that will cost about x, etc. Otherwise some poor kid could find themselves at a steakhouse with a fast food budget. (Not that our kids eat at steakhouses, but you get the drift!)

 

[1GoldenSun]

I'm in the "you invite, you pay" camp, although the invited should have money for discretionary items like souvenirs, drinks, and snacks. And if it's a really big, expensive trip it might be nice to at least offer to cover a meal for the family.

When I pay hundreds of dollars for my child to take a vacation I intend to be there to enjoy the experience with her.

I could see maybe with older teens making an offer for them to come along if they can cover their own expenses, but it should not be phrased as an "invitation" as much as an "offer." And if my daughter wanted to take them up on it she'd have to raise the money herself or raid her savings account.

 

[stsomewhere]

When my son was a sophomore in high school, he was invited to a weekend long concert. They asked us to buy the concert ticket $200. He was asked months before the concert and we were planning on paying for meals and spending money. They were camping on site. A week before the concert, his friend's mom asked us for a crazy amount of money. ($1500 on top of the ticket money) They were driving from Michigan to NY. The mom wanted us to split the gas money , tolls, parking, a second hotel room for the boys,etc. I was so irritated. My son ended up not going. He did not want/could not to pay the difference and it was not in our budget due to other vacation plans. We told her to keep the concert ticket and try and sell it.

 

[mickeyboat]

I saw this exact post on a Facebook group this morning. Interesting ....

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When my son was a sophomore in high school, he was invited to a weekend long concert. They asked us to buy the concert ticket $200. He was asked months before the concert and we were planning on paying for meals and spending money. They were camping on site. A week before the concert, his friend's mom asked us for a crazy amount of money. ($1500 on top of the ticket money) They were driving from Michigan to NY. The mom wanted us to split the gas money , tolls, parking, a second hotel room for the boys,etc. I was so irritated. My son ended up not going. He did not want/could not to pay the difference and it was not in our budget due to other vacation plans. We told her to keep the concert ticket and try and sell it.

That's where I tend to see it differently for at least some of that stuff.

They would be driving and having to pay tolls regardless so asking to have you guys help cover that wouldn't be what I would do. The gas I guess I maybe could see that if they had to get a rental and upgrade with the added friend if the new car had crappy gas mileage (still would come off not so nicely to ask I think).

They would still be paying for parking regardless so asking to have you guys help cover that wouldn't be what I would do. Hotel room that's different. If it was the added person meant another room then I can understand asking for assistance. But to randomly decide to get another hotel room and ask you to help cover that's not so nice to ask.

Regardless that all should have been ironed out in advance so asking for all that extra a week before is sucky.