Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[Pea-n-Me]

DH and I were together for 15 years before our children were born. For most of those years we put up with these same annoying questions from everyone. We were quite happy with life as it was with work, school, fun, and our dogs keeping us plenty busy and fulfilled. Our standard answer to these inquiries was that we already had two kids (our dogs, LOL - that annoyed a lot of people right back).

Although most of our contemporary friends and family had children during that time, we weren't sure we wanted any and certainly weren't going to be pressured into it by anyone. Neither of us were "kid people" either, and the thought of being pregnant sent me over the edge. I did, however, always picture myself having a little girl (about 8yo ), and somehow as the years went on I knew that was something I had to figure out how to achieve despite my apprehension about pregnacy, babies and such.

One day we decided to throw caution to the wind and give it a shot, with (DH indulging) my still thinking about that little girl of my dreams. Lo and behold, no go. We hit the wall of infertility. It was then we realized the choice we once enjoyed about whether to have children was no longer there: in our case we couldn't. And that's what helped us realize we really did want a family. It took a long time but we were finally blessed with not only a little girl, but a little boy as well (twins). Those early years were tough and sometimes we wondered what life would have been like had we remained childless, but now that they're 8yo we can't imagine not having them and are grateful to God for giving them to us.

It all boils down to personal choice and what works for you.

Sometimes I hear my elderly mother say things to people like the things we're talking about and I cringe. I've thought about it a lot having experienced it myself, and I think that many people just aren't sensitive to others' feelings or respectful of others' choices. To them they can't imagine why someone would want to remain childless (or name one of the many other things that there could be insensitivity about). I don't think people do it to be rude or mean, they just aren't sensitive to others' situations.

 

[kellyanne731]

It fascinates me that so many people assume married couples want/are supposed to have kids. When I was 16 I knew I didn't want children. I'm now 27, engaged, in grad school, and looking to buy a house this spring. Kids still aren't anything I'm thinking about. DF likes kids when he can send them home with their parents, I'd just rather not be bothered at all. I think children are a life decision, and I get really offended by the people who tell me I should be starting a "family", or that I'll change my mind because everyone does. As far as I'm concerned, fiance, pets and I are a family.

We are the couple that avoids early movies so we're not around children, and asks to not be seated near children in restaurants. I get angry if there's a baby on my flight. But there are certain situations where I love being around children. I love seeing their faces light up and how much fun they're having when I'm at Disney. I also love being around them in learning environments like school. Which helps considering I'm getting my degree in school counseling.

Mom considers the dog to be her grandchild. My dad, on the other hand, desperately wants a grandchild. And since my brother lives on the other side of the world and can avoid the phone calls, I'm the one catching all of dad's longings for the pitter patter of little feet.

Every now and again I think that I might want a child, but I fail to see how that is anyone else's business. Whatever happens in my life will happen for a reason.

 

[Claudia Kellenberger]

I am 52 and do not have any children. It is very much a personal choice, you don't Owe anyone any answers. All three of my daughters were born premature and died. ( Two pregnancies ) Seeing that doctors could not really discover what exactly was wrong with me, I waited five more years, and then got my tubes tied. Although I still mourn for my children that I did have, I have never mourned for the other children I could have had.
My life is pretty full. When some rude person presses me for an answer,
I have answered: " I would rather have *NO* children, than another dead one".

 

[Kimberly815]

I am 25 and getting married next year. This is a subject that my fiancé and I have been discussing at length lately. We have several friends (couples) who you might call 'baby crazy'. Our friend was baby sitting the other day, and the baby was ‘in love’ with my fiancé. Our friend asked if my fiancé wanted to hold the baby, and his answer was “No, thank you. I don’t hold babies.” LOL. We just do not share such enthusiasm. I can see us possibly having a child, but we are still not sure if it is for us. Ironically, both his family and mine think that we will be the first in both families to have children after getting married.

There are so many things that I worry about when I consider us having children. I have my Bachelor Degree, my fiancé does not. I am the ‘breadwinner’, though my fiancé is a very hard worker and earns his fair share. Would someone stay home with the child? How would we afford it (we are doing alright, renting, saving a little, but no home)? On the other hand, would we be missing so many special moments? Will I change my mind and want one within the next few years (My fiancé seems to think I will once my ‘biological clock’ starts ticking!)? Do I want to go back for my Master's Degree? If I do, do I want to go before or after becoming a Mom? There are more questions than I could ever answer.

I don’t know what we will end up choosing. I do know that we will never ‘try’ to have children. If we decide we want children, we will stop ‘preventing’ it, and let nature take its course (if it is meant to be, it will happen. Although I do completely understand those who do more in order to start their families. It is just not for us.).

However, I would like to thank everyone who has posted for such a fair and decent opinion for both sides. It helps people to know that, no matter what they chose, life is wonderful and happiness is to be found regardless.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I am 52 and do not have any children. It is very much a personal choice, you don't Owe anyone any answers. All three of my daughters were born premature and died. ( Two pregnancies ) Seeing that doctors could not really discover what exactly was wrong with me, I waited five more years, and then got my tubes tied. Although I still mourn for my children that I did have, I have never mourned for the other children I could have had.
My life is pretty full. When some rude person presses me for an answer,
I have answered: " I would rather have *NO* children, than another dead one".

Claudia Kellenberger I am sorry. We just got the news that my SIL is no longer pregnant. I am so sad for them.

 

[DVCJEN]

DH and I are both 33 and we have struggled with the "do we or don't we want children" question. We have a great marriage and are best friends. We have been married for 10 years. When we first were married, we said "someday" but so far someday hasn't come. I love children I have a neice and nephew I adore and two godsons that are great. I love being around them but I have never really felt my biological clock ticking. Sure I have had a shot of "hmmm maybe a baby would be nice" but it has never really went beyond that. I believe we would be good parents if we chose to do so but so far it has not been a priority or a desire. Will this change? I don't know. Right now we have a very happy life.
It does bother my very traditional family. They like to ask personal questions such as "is there something wrong with one of you?" "who will take care of you when you are old?" or my favorite--- "do you hate kids?" I love my family but they really don't seem to undersand being married without children. I guess we are a bit of a curiosity among some people but that's ok, we are happy.

 

[las3888]

Just wanted to mention my experience as far as the biological clock. I really didn't feel it until late 30's...early 30's, mid 30's, I always felt I had plenty of time and just put off making any decisions (20's forget it - kids were not even a blip on the radar). For those of you that are not nearing 40 yet, don't be surprised if one day you hear that clock ticking!! I also want to add to not take that the wrong way...not having kids is easily the route we could have gone and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Some very interesting answers on this thread, I too am very proud of how civil it is.

One comment. While no one every feels bad for couples in their 20's 30's 40's and 50's with out kids, I always felt sad for couples in their 70's and 80's and above with no kids.

Me too!! I always joke around with the people that I work with that I'm going to be one of those white haired old ladies on those tour group buses with all of the other old ladies who go to places like Colonial Williamsburg (Of course I used to live 10 min. from there and I loved it growing up) and hold hands when they walk around. It is kind of sad thinking about when I get older and my parents are gone and my DFi is gone that all I'll have is my little old lady friends but then I can look back at all of the memories I have and what a wonderful life I had and be able to let it go. Anyways, my wonderful co-workers tell me I'm going to be that old lady that peeks out from her windows staring at her neighbors and yells at kids to get off her lawn. Something to look forward too.

 

[cnaumann]

Is it our duty to populate an already over-populated world?

Sometimes I tell people with all the problems this planet has with overpopulation, we are being socially responsible by not having children.

As for me I would like to have children, but I don't know about conciously bringing one into our world. I would much rather adopt, but sadly that is very expensive.

I used to believe all the hype about overpopulation. I don’t believe it anymore. Population is a very delicate balance. If the birth rate is just over that magical 2.0 the population grows exponentially. If it is just under 2.0, the population sinks exponentially. Extrapolating any current trends will lead to all sorts of scary predications. The world population today has not reached the dire predications of overcrowding and mass starvation that were made in the 1960’s. In fact, in many areas, populations are actually shrinking at a rather alarming pace. Population is an amazing balance; we are on a razor’s edge and are simultaneously at risk for both severe over population and severe under population.

No one should feel obligated to have kids. Similarly, it fine to have kids as long as you are able and willing to raise them. People’s willingness to have kids and willingness not to have kids are what keeps the population from either growing out of control or shrinking out of control. Don’t feel there is some social obligation or need to either have kids by conception or adoption or not to have kids. Be selfish! Do what you want to do as long as you are capable.

If you ask me, ‘all the problems this planet has’ has little to do with over population and everything to do with people that cannot see beyond their own lifetimes.

I'm not married, I'm 25, so relatively young,

In terms of lifespan, you are relatively young. In terms of fertility, you are already middle aged. You are almost half way through your most fertile years. There is a growing trend to put off baby making until later in life. Many people assume that they will still be able to conceive well into there 30’s and even 40’s. Unfortunately, nature often has other plans.

I get annoyed too when everyone says "Oh! You'll change your minds! Kids are the greatest blessings!"

It is always annoying when people tell you how you are should think or how you going to think.. It is very much like DisneyPhD’s example of a second grade boy’s opinion on kissing a girl. Some change their mind, some don’t. But nobody wants to be treated like a second grader.

I've participated in similar threads where it ends up breaking down into the parents vs. the childfree people.

There is a huge gap between parents and childfree people. It is not surprising that it breaks down that way. When we were younger and single, we used to hang around other single people our age. I though that might change after we were married, but it did not, we still hung around the same people. Then we had a kid. That changed everything. We no longer hung around non-parents. When we did go out, it was also with other parents and we always ended up talking about changing diapers and toilet training.

I have read this thread, and I understand that lots of people do not like to be asked if they are planning on having kids. I still do not understand why this is such a taboo subject. I think it is probably one of the most important decisions that a couple can make. If one partner wants kids and the other does not, the relationship is pretty much doomed. So there should be a simple answer, be it ‘yes we want to get started soon’, ‘yes, but maybe not right away’, or a simple ‘no’ or we haven’t decided. Why is this considered such a deep and personal question? Is it any more deep and personal than asking a couple if they are planning on buying a house? Is it answering the same question over and over again that is the issue? Is it the follow-up lecture on how you will change your mind later? Is it the constant pressure from grandparent-want-to-be’s? Or is something else entirely? Maybe the partners are not quite on agreement with each other, and it is an uncomfortable question.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

One comment. While no one every feels bad for couples in their 20's 30's 40's and 50's with out kids, I always felt sad for couples in their 70's and 80's and above with no kids.

I have many friends who are older and they have their 'children' living with them,not to help, but to be helped.

I have one dear friend whose only son and dil tricked her into signing everything over to them and then they abandoned her in a nursing home. Luckily one of her brothers got her out and moved her to Florida to be with him. She is 56.

I visit another friend in a nursing home who devoted her entire life to her adopted daughter and now she lies alone and forgotten.

Having children does not guarantee a thing either way.

I am for having children, or not, as you want. It is sad to see children who are not wanted. I work at the local Community Center and see a wide range.

If you have them, enjoy them and make sure that you take care of your retirement so that you are not a burden or worse yet, at your child's mercy.

I had two children. I have not seen my son in nearly 4 years and while I am very close to my daughter's two children and they are with me often I cannot say we have a wonderful relationship.

Would I do it again? Yes, love is an odd thing. I have a lot of children in my life and greatly enjoy them. It is as close to heaven as I will get on Earth.

Slightly Goofy

 

[TDC Nala]

Why is this considered such a deep and personal question? Is it any more deep and personal than asking a couple if they are planning on buying a house? Is it answering the same question over and over again that is the issue? Is it the follow-up lecture on how you will change your mind later? Is it the constant pressure from grandparent-want-to-be’s? Or is something else entirely?

I think it is because marriage and children is a major societal expectation; almost everyone does it. When you don't follow the expectations, a lot of persons who already did want to know why you aren't going along. I'm not clear on their reasons for wanting to know, unless it affects their life and their family (such as a parent who always expected grandchildren). I was just relieved when I got old enough that people (and I don't mean family members, I mean relative strangers) stopped asking when I planned to get married. If I said anything that sounded like I had no plans to get married, they seemed put out, and I don't know why since my choices couldn't possibly have any effect on them. Never got past the marriage thing so I never had to deal with the questions about children, but those would have been next.

I'll never have children and will most likely never have a spouse. If that makes you sad, why? If it ticks you off, what's the deal? I'm not you, I'm not your family, you don't even know me, and it shouldn't bother you what I do either way.

But when the question is "why not?", and the real answer is "I don't want to," the reaction to that answer is generally something verbal or non-verbal that seems to translate to "boy, are YOU weird" and it's not uplifting to be made to feel that way.

 

[metivier]

It fascinates me that so many people assume married couples want/are supposed to have kids. When I was 16 I knew I didn't want children. I'm now 27, engaged, in grad school, and looking to buy a house this spring. Kids still aren't anything I'm thinking about. DF likes kids when he can send them home with their parents, I'd just rather not be bothered at all. I think children are a life decision, and I get really offended by the people who tell me I should be starting a "family", or that I'll change my mind because everyone does. As far as I'm concerned, fiance, pets and I are a family.

We are the couple that avoids early movies so we're not around children, and asks to not be seated near children in restaurants. I get angry if there's a baby on my flight.

Your description sounds like me and DH (then DF) when I was 27. I had received my Master's degree, was happily working, looking to buy a house. I pretty much avoided kids and DH liked to "coo coo" at kids and then send them on their way. We got married 4 days after my 28th birthday.

We, too, got "the question" over MANY years. My first replies were along the lines of "Why do you ask?" When the replies got way too personal, I would either reply "It's none of your business" or perhaps turn the tables and ask a very private question back (along the lines of what "position" they preferred ) in the hopes of shocking them back to reality.

When I was 36, DH and I began to change our minds about children. It took us a "while" after we decided to head down the quest for baby route, but now I'm 42 with two great children. I would NOT trade our time "pre-children" for anything. I also would not trade our time now for anything. They are just different stops along the journey.

I guess what I am saying is do what you and your partner want, and always be willing to listen to your heart and alter your journey/path a little.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I have many friends who are older and they have their 'children' living with them,not to help, but to be helped.

I have one dear friend whose only son and dil tricked her into signing everything over to them and then they abandoned her in a nursing home. Luckily one of her brothers got her out and moved her to Florida to be with him. She is 56.

I visit another friend in a nursing home who devoted her entire life to her adopted daughter and now she lies alone and forgotten.

Having children does not guarantee a thing either way.

I am for having children, or not, as you want. It is sad to see children who are not wanted. I work at the local Community Center and see a wide range.

If you have them, enjoy them and make sure that you take care of your retirement so that you are not a burden or worse yet, at your child's mercy.

I had two children. I have not seen my son in nearly 4 years and while I am very close to my daughter's two children and they are with me often I cannot say we have a wonderful relationship.

Would I do it again? Yes, love is an odd thing. I have a lot of children in my life and greatly enjoy them. It is as close to heaven as I will get on Earth.

Slightly Goofy

You only quoted part of what I said, I also said:

"Of course there are MANY people who had kids, and their now adult children and grandchildren don't visist or care for them when they are older so that isn't a promise."

You are right many people have had adult age, but not adult matureity children continue who to mooch off them and use instead of help their parents in old age. There are many reason for this. (some has to do with the persons orgianl parenting skills, some don't.) You know kind of "Cat in the Cradel" thing, or always codling the kid so they never learn to stand on their own. Sometimes the nicest people, don't make the best parents (too nice, come on we all know an example of this.)


cnaumann, you have some very interesting points. I think one reason it is so touchy is people feel very stronly about their reasons, and sometimes are still tying to work them out themselves. I think one of ther reasons it comes up so much is it is universal, or at least something that ties perfect strangers together. (much as it is bond between adults who don't want kids on this this thread "Finally someone who feels the same way." It is natural progression of a marriage (but not as assumed as it was a few generations ago as many pointed out.) When you do have kids and you ask another person if they have kids, they say yes and you know they "get it". I admit I don't have as much to talk about with my friends who don't have kids, because they don't understand my day to day trials and issues as much (and normally don't appericate my mondane stories like other mom's do.)

TDC Nala, I guess the qoute that comes to mind is "Never say Never". You just never know. (not so much about not having kids, but never having a spose.) Sometimes life throws you for loop.

 

[kennancat]

I have read this thread, and I understand that lots of people do not like to be asked if they are planning on having kids.

I can really go either way on this one. I don't see any issue with asking somebody if they do have kids - to me that's simple getting-to-know-you chit chat. Asking if you are planning to have kids can be sensitive for a couple of reasons. In the thread I referenced earlier, I thought one poster had a really good point about couple who have reached the kid age and don't have any: A) it's either because they don't want any or B) they want them and they're having trouble getting them. With B, I think it's clear why that question could be hurtful. If it's A, asking the question can automatically put people on the defensive - I know it does for me. It really depends on if the person is genuinely interested in my reasons, or if he or she is just waiting to tell me that I'm wrong. This is assuming of course, that this is a close enough friend to even be inquiring about it. I do think it's different than asking about buying a house because it hits closer to what my core values and opinions are, and I don't discuss those with people that I don't know decently well. Unless they're perfect strangers on the internet, of course

 

[TDC Nala]

TDC Nala, I guess the qoute that comes to mind is "Never say Never". You just never know. (not so much about not having kids, but never having a spose.) Sometimes life throws you for loop.

Well, this is what I mean, it kind of seems as though you felt the need to reassure me about some shortcoming I have. I understand stuff happens, this is why I put "most likely" in my post. But I'm not really interested in acquiring a spouse, and I'm not looking for one, and it really only bothers me that I don't have one when others emphasize how different I am because I don't. That might be kind of like the questions others get about children when they genuinely don't want to have them.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Well, this is what I mean, it kind of seems as though you felt the need to reassure me about some shortcoming I have. I understand stuff happens, this is why I put "most likely" in my post. But I'm not really interested in acquiring a spouse, and I'm not looking for one, and it really only bothers me that I don't have one when others emphasize how different I am because I don't. That might be kind of like the questions others get about children when they genuinely don't want to have them.

I don't feel any choices you have made in your life are shortcomings (as you said you seem to get this a lot form people who it really shouldn't matter at all, it is your life not theirs.) I also don't think if someone doesn't get married they aren't as good as people who do, or there is something wrong with them.

So maybe what you mean is "if you never have kids or never get married you won't feel like your life is incomplete or not as good as someone elses who did" or something along those lines. You just don't see it heading in that direction and that is fine with you.

I just meant, you never know what life has ahead for you.

 

[pearlieq]

Well now I've got something new to think about--why is it OK to ask whether someone has kids, but not whether they're planning on kids? Hmm...

I guess "do you have kids?" is easily answered with yes or no and the line of questioning usually ends there. It's a purely informational question like are you married, where do you life, or where do you work.

To me "are you planning on kids" takes it one step too far. You don't get to know my plans--I may not even be sure of my plans. It seems to query into the intent and reasons behind my behavior, which isn't really out for public examination. Plus, people seem to take your answer, if you choose to give one, as an invitation to offer commentary and opinions.

Interesting question, though. I know I'll keep thinking about it for a while.

 

[HaleyB]

Just had to jump in and say, even having kids will not prevent this sort of question...

"So, when are you guys going to have another baby?"

I feel your pain. So far as I know the only right way to respond to rudeness is not to. I am not a hardliner, though, I do roll my eyes (follwed by the arched brow) whenever I get that question.

 

[cnaumann]

When you don't follow the expectations, a lot of persons who already did want to know why you aren't going along. I'm not clear on their reasons for wanting to know, unless it affects their life and their family

When I was yonger, before I had kids of my own, I did ask co-workers and other people that were not really close friends about their views on kids. Part of it was just casual conversation, part of it was gathering information for my own use. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, and I was really looking for input. As I am now a whole lot older and just a little bit wiser, I try not to ask people about there plans for having kids.

I would say that I never ask, but I did recently ask a co-worker I he was thinking about having kids. There was nothing any more judgemental in my question than there would have been if I was asking if he liked roller coasters.

But when the question is "why not?", and the real answer is "I don't want to," the reaction to that answer is generally something verbal or non-verbal that seems to translate to "boy, are YOU weird" and it's not uplifting to be made to feel that way.

That make sense. I think that people who don't like rollercoasters are wierd, but I guess it is different when someone gives you the " boy are you wierd" look for not liking rollercoasters than it is when someone gives you that same look for not wanting to have children.

 

[kymma]

I get asked a lot about kids. I am 38 and have been married to my DH for 11 years. We don't get the question as often anymore but we still get it.

I even had someone ask me why we even bothered getting married if we aren't going to have kids.

On our recent Disney Cruise we also encoutered the question along with what I considered rudeness. While we were eating in Palo, the couple sitting at the table next to us asked us "Are your kids in the clubs, too?". We replied "We don't have children". And the guy said "oh what do you have dogs or cats or something" then laughed. His wife kinda gasped at his rude remark. I couldn't believe it.