Daily joke thread......

[tellnotails]

Politics ( i hope nobody takes offense)

A young girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a staunch Republican.

One day she decided to challenge her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school?

She said she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all of the time, and never had time to go out and party. She didn't have a boyfriend and didn't have many college friends because she spent all of her time studying.

So her father asked how her friend Mary was doing? She replied that Mary was just barely getting by. She has a 2.0 GPA and never studies. She is very popular on campus and went to parties all of the time. Most of the time she does not so up for class because she is so hung over.

Her dad then asked why she didn't go to the Dean's office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 GPA and give it to her freind Mary? That way you would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter angrily fired back, "That would not be fair! I have worked really hard for my GPA and Mary has done nothing!"

The father sat back, smiled and said "Welcome to the Republican Party."

 

[tellnotails]

Why a box of Sharpies are not the best Birthday present for a 2 year old....

 

[VACAMPER]

OMG!

 

[tyiwara]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Shannone1]

Just wanted to say thanks for all of the jokes everyone...and keep them coming. My dh has been pretty down lately and I read one of these jokes to him and it's so nice to hear him laughing.

 

[AuburnJen92]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

[AuburnJen92]

MY LIVING WILL





Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


She's such a *****.

 

[des1954]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[des1954]

HELL EXPLAINED BYCHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand pro portionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[tellnotails]

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law were on vacation in Jerusalem when suddenly his mother-in-law became ill and died.

The man goes to the local funeral director to make the burial arrangements. The funeral director asks him if he would like to have her buried in Jerusalem or shipped back to the United States? He asks the funeral director for a price on each option.

The funeral director tells the man that he can bury his mother-in-law in Jerusalem for $5000, to have her shipped back to the United States will cost $20,000.

After thinking about it for a moment, the man tells the funeral director to have her body shipped back to the United States. Puzzled, the funeral director asks why he wants to spend an extra $15,000 dollars to have her buried in the United States?

The man replies, a long time ago a man died over here and arose 3 days after being buried..............
I JUST CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE....

 

[lisa8200]

So, Will I burn for laughing at that

 

[2goofycampers]

some good ones.

 

[AuburnJen92]

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

 

[tellnotails]

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take
this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the
limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 

[tellnotails]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember..

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss..the Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was
turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how
he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry
about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of
the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters
never point the wrong way.

 

[big kahuna1]

I cleaned this up a little to post here.

Drafting Guys over 60


New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

If you are over 60 the Armed Forces thinks you are too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some terrorist that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some
fanatical terrorist.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million tee'd off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

 

[Tent Camping Mom]

7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
-------------------------
7 year old Melanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--------------------------
7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
---------------------------
7 year old Toby - ' My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer ... And the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which Is a good thing.'
----------------------------
7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
----------------------------
7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
-----------------------------
7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks he burns the sausages on the barbecue, and they taste disgusting.'
-----------------------------
7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the dog, and he goes to sleep.'
-----------------------------

 

[homebrew2]

Subj: Grandpa is lost

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall and got very
frightened.
He approached a uniformed policeman and sobbed, 'I've lost my
grandpa!!!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

My grandson hesitated for a moment, wiped his tears onto his sleeve
and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with long legs"

 

[AuburnJen92]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

 

[BRDof3]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He sat up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.




My first post in this forum. A new delinquent has arrived.

Rob