08-12-2007, 08:07 PM #1
MIdanceMom
DIS Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 929 Beth's WW Journey. (Comments Welcome)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, my name is Beth. I have been lurking on WISH for a couple of weeks. I have been so inspired by you all, that I have decided to start my own journal.
I am a wife and mom to Kate(7). I am a RN working part-time in an outpatient surgical clinic and full-time chauffeur to dance class.
I have always struggled with my weight, but I kept it mostly under control until my
second pregnancy in 2005. I lost my baby at 26 weeks, and went into a major depression. With the help of medication and therapy, I am back among the land of the living
04-30-2005, 09:48 PM #262
Strings
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Auburn Hills, MI
Thanks for the thoughts and praers for my sister. It is hard. (
I have had multiple miscarriages), but I really think that God was involvd here.Beth
03-28-2005, 07:38 PM #131
Strings
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Auburn Hills, MI
Posts: 3,790 Hi there,
I'm just here to post a quick update, and then I will do journals tonight.
I had my favorite doc check me out on Friday. I had to have an xray, and I have a mild pneumonia. I am on antibiotics, and I'm starting to feel better.
I remember when you were so sick and I remember you were not pregnant.
05-31-2005, 01:26 PM #346
Strings
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Auburn Hills, MI
Posts: 3,790 Hi All,
I did stay OP though, and that is amazing considering how tired I was. Oh, forgot o mention
TOm showed up on Saturday. I was in bed by 9, and got up with Pez at 2 and 4 AM. I got to slle in until730 though.
Beth
__________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
08-01-2005, 08:22 PM #494
Strings
DIS Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Auburn Hills, MI
Posts: 3,790
I wanted to thank everyone who has come to check on me. I have had a bit of a surprise the last 3 weeks. I'm pregnant, but things are not going well. I am having heavy bleeding and am on bedrest. I am allowed to go to the bathroom and to shower once daily, no stairs. However, things are changing. We've figured out why I'm bleeding. THe pregnancy is stressing my liver again, so my coags are off. My ob says I have about 30% chance of carrying to viability, and my gi doc thinks that I will end up on the transplant list, if I continue with the pregnancy.
After a ton of discussions we have decided to terminate the pregnancy. I wasn't sure that I should share any of this, but I decided that I needed to write it down. Unfortunately, my father is very black/white prolife, and isn't speaking to me. I will need to take a couple of weeks off from exercise post procedure. I am not looking to healthy living until August 30th when Katie starts school.
Take care,
Beth
__________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away
Didn't you go to WDW in December 2005 and meet up with Tracy and Pearlique?
09-11-2007, 11:39 PM #95
MIdanceMom
DIS Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 927 Hi Everyone,
Thanks for stopping by. I am sorry that I have not made it to journals. I hope to get to them tomorrow.
Warning.
I am having major issues right now. I am angry and feeling sorry for myslef.
I received a letter yesterday, and it upset me terribly. In my first post, I said
I lost a child at 26 weeks. I had undergone 7 invitro cycles to conceive. What wasn't said is that I was rearended by a man who was too busy texting on his cell phone to know that there were cars stopped in front of him. He admitted to going 45, speed limit 40. Based on my injuries, he was going 60. I had placenta abruption, multiple pelvis fractures, a dislocated hip, and femur fracture, and a fractured skull with icbleed. It does explain my sense of humor. The guy who hit me had to pay a $2500 fine and his license was suspended for 6 months.
I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and 3 months in rehab. It was a dark time for me, and my family. None of us are the same.
He wrote me a letter asking me to forgive him. This has been really hard on his family, and he is sorry that he hit me. If he could change it, he would. Can I please forgive him?
The letter is all about the hardships he has had since the accident. I am so angry that I want to scream. HE has suffered. He has lost his cushy job. I am so sorry to hear that. I lost my baby. I lost 4 months of my life. I was in a major depression for over a year. I still wake up thinking I need to check on my baby. The baby I never got to hold. My daughter didn't know if her mom would live, and lost her brother. My relationship with DH is changed forever. There are days when I cannot manage to get out of bed, literally.
He wants my forgiveness. I know that I should try to be mature and forgive him. It is the Christian thing to do. No. He can have my anger and hatred, and even pity. Pity that he honestly believes that his suffering compares to mine. He can't have my forgiveness. He doesn't deserve it. Let him live with his guilt. Have you accepted the same? To live with your guilt over lying to all of us and hurting all of us by letting us believe you were dead? Or are we supposed to live like God would want us to, to be Christians and forgive? It seems you are not full of forgiveness yourself, but will accept it when others are kind enough to give it to you, even if you are not deserving of it.
I know I repeated myself below but I needed to ramble with the many different emotions that were occurring. I hope anyone else who reads this will have understood the need to connect the dots to a very sad, disturbing drawn out story so that the different versions were crystal clear once and for all. The bonus question that no one will ever know is the why of it all? That's ok, this has taught me a very good lesson about online friendships and deceit. Lesson learned.
This is what I don't understand Beth, all the inconsistencies of the above. You told us when you were Strings that you had gotten pg in August 2005, were surprised, you really aren't surprised when invitro is used, and then had to terminate the pg. We all mourned with you and it broke our hearts for you and your family. You said you had multiple miscarriages and I felt bad. Having a baby die at 26 weeks is considered a loss/death and not a miscarriage. I don't think I am splitting hairs here and I am trying to understand.
So how close were you to the hospital when this accident occurred? After all with placenta abruption it is life-threatening to both mother and child. Do you remember anything? I have seen mother's bleed out in minutes. I guess you were lucky that they got to you so quick and were able to stablize you. So how did you recover from your emergency c-section? I have also seen a doc get a baby out in 30 seconds due to placenta abruption and with a classical incision (vertical cut vs. horizontal cut for those of you who don't know) and that requires more healing because of the wound/trauma to the area. It seems you exercised all year long in 2005 and with a c-section like that you would have required time off, again you and I both know that.
How long did your baby live? How long in the NICU? I have seen placenta abruption kids live for many, many months and one close to a year. I have also seen them die quickly. We had one child in our NICU for 8 months. I didn't see the mother for weeks come down to the NICU because she was so ill and in the ICU? Same for you?
But see when did this happen? I spoke to you online from 2003 when you started your first journal. You were online all the time and didn't miss weeks, yet alone months.
You went on with your life after your termination of the pregnancy in August 2005 and you posted several times a week about what you were doing until January 2006. Quite lengthy explanations of a full life I might add. It didn't sound like a person in rehab to me. After Jan 2006 you went over to the
d-e n t i t y site (no longer around) and continued to post about your life. So when did this second pregnancy that resulted in a loss of a 26 weeker happen? You said in 2005, when then?
You said that the pg that affected your Liver was your 2nd pregnancy, August 2005. What perinatal doctor would assist in any invitro procedures with a woman that just had a pregnancy that affected her major organ? You and I both know, not one. There is too much liability and risk involved. You said in your original journal that you were on bedrest for many, many months, 6 I think, and that was why your weight was now so out of control. Not that it matters, but was that even true?
This pregnancy that affected your Liver happened you posted in August 2005, but yet you lost a 26 weeker in 2005? When? I read your journal from 2003 and there was no accident that involved a loss like that. There was no pregnancy that you wrote about. You know I would have remembered that, given what I do for a living.
I remember all the problems with PG, or those that you posted, the trip you planned for WDW, the pneumonia, the many hours you worked, the sabatoge from your MIL, the "trying to take Katie", the wanting her to have a Korean name for Korean school, etc. so it's not like my memory is bad. I would especially remember prominent things that happen in a person's life, like having to bury a 26 week old, fully formed baby boy.
Fine, Won didn't want his information posted all over the internet, I accept that and really don't fault him for that. I still think that you were the one to post about the car crash, but we are all entitled to our own opinions and only you know why you did this. If you needed your space, fine, but why die? If you were depressed, why lie? All of the depressed people I have ever cared for could barely brush their teeth and get out of bed in the am, yet alone fabricate stories. You know that being a nurse.
To post about the loss of a son and to go into great detail about it? That is unforgiveable, even if the rest one day is. I have seen families hold their dead 26 week old and it is heart wrenching. It is a loss that no parent should have to endure. It is something so sacred that no one has the right to say this happened to them if it didn't. It is a pain so great that it is deafening. It is a pain that not even time lessens.
I just don't understand the change of stories. Why the tangled rewrite of history? It is bad enough that we mourned your "death" but now to read your new journal and say "huh" when did that happen, is downright mean and yes, as I stated in my pm, I am angry. I am also insulted. Why would anyone do that? We all supported you and loved you for who you were. Did you laugh at all of us when we mourned you? Oh, that's right, Won did that and you were too embarrassed to come clean. Did you read the tributes to you? I had for over a year in my signature "your quote" about life and the moments of it. I have since removed it because I can not even look at it again. I even had a RIP Beth for the longest time. Did you laugh at that? Did you get the attention that you needed? I feel like a fool. I cried real tears over your "death."
So now I sound like an uncaring, harsh jerk because I am calling you on the carpet to explain and not giving you unconditional support and dispensation like I always did before. I can't, I just can't. I know you will be accepting of this and it will look like I attacked you. I did not. I just gave examples of the different stories to put in writing that I am not losing my mind or not remembering correctly and for the "truth" to really be seen.
I am being honest with you, just as I always have been. Some will actually pity you and give you God's forgiveness. That is their option as everyone is entitled. But can anyone ever say with certainty that they can believe anything that you post again? I don't think so. Sometimes the truth just hurts doesn't it?
The least you can do, don't you think, is now to be honest finally? I just could never in good conscience, when I know others care and worry about me, post things that are untrue. The Beth I "knew" couldn't either, or so I thought. I guess you really showed me who you are. What is that saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Again, I feel like a fool because I fell for everything hook, line and sinker. I think the ONLY reason you came clean is because you knew the jig was up when Doreen and I both pm'd you yesterday. It seems the charade would have continued with constant half truths if you hadn't realized "it" was over.
Did you think your other journals had disappeared? Go back and refresh your memory, because they haven't. Another poster pointed me in their direction as I did think they were gone. That other poster thought they were losing their mind, so I received a pm to ask about you. I still sadly said how it was such a tradegy, you were such a great person and sorely missed. How it was painful to have such a bright light out forever. How I tried to track down Won to send him a sympathy card and money for Katie.
That person pointed me in the direction of your journal, the new one and old ones. That person didn't want me fooled any longer. That is when I started reading and I knew for sure. At first I was so relieved you were alive and figured there must be a logical reason for doing what you did. Then I read about your baby boy dying and I remembered about your other pregnancy and things started not to jive. That is when I sadly saw what was the real truth.
Like I said, I very much mourned you and I guess I can mourn again, because you definately are not the same person with wonderful qualities of love, tact, humor, character, strength, empathy or caring that I "thought" I knew; actually you probably never were and now the truth and the "real you" are out. What you did and what you are doing now is downright cruel. You have and are playing with people's emotions with your "stories" and you have no right to do that.
I don't wish you harm, and never have. That is the ironic thing, I would have never hurt you like you are hurting and have hurt others.
Only you know the truth and you are the only one that will have to live with this. I hope one day you can have peace in your life.
Focusing on you is not selfish at all. As you said, it will help the common good at your house. 
A few days of solitude sounds heavenly! I feel the same way when I walk into my house. Too many projects and too little time. It can become quite overwhelming.
I cannot even begin to count the ways. 
Over the months since that posting on the other board, we continued to pray for your family, especially Won and Kate. 
Oh man, Beth. C'mon, now. What were you thinking????? This has got to be the craziest thing I've ever heard! I have to be honest with you. . .I don't know what to believe any more--what parts of your story may be real and which are fictious. . .I can't begin to imagine!
