Best way of educating... *debate about potentially offensive word*

[KPeveler]

I find myself in a debate with people over the use of hte word "retarded." It is referring to an object that malfunctioned (i am not debating more appropriate terms for the learning or developmentally disabled). I am having trouble constructing an argument about why the use of the word in that manner is offensive, because to me it is obvious.

For all you out there who may have had to fight this battle either for yourselves or your children, have any of you found good arguments or tactics for explaining why this word is offensive, especially when referring to objects or as an insult? i.e. "you're so retarded" or "my computer is retarded."

I do not mean to insult anyone, and I apologize if I did. I NEVER use this word (i also never say things are "so gay" for the same reasons), especially never as an insult, but I have been told that apparently I am in the minority in finding it offensive, and asking someone not to use it in a forum such as a message board would be considered censorship. To me, it goes in the same category as the n-word... Am i alone in this thinking?

 

[ireland_nicole]

I have a son with a developmental disability, so believe me, I feel your pain; and to make it worse, I have heard educators in special ed use the word Plus, I have an older brother how had severe brain damage following a seizure, so I have some history with this. First of all, I simply tell kids that that is a mean word, or that it is not a nice or appropriate word. For adults, I explain that the word has been used in a derrogatory way, and that it is akin to using the F word to describe someone who is gay, or the N word to describe someone who is african american. We all know that using those words is wrong, but the disabled community always seems to be an easy target - maybe because some (like me) are a little slower moving : And I meant that only as humor about myself, and a lighthearted ending, not in any way to offend or be derrogatory, ; it's just that I feel the need to laugh about my situation where possible.

 

[leise]

I find it offensive too, and I can say it is not considered an appropriate term in the UK at all, and would only ever be used by ignorant children as an insult these days. Professionals here would talk about people having a learning disability or maybe about levels of functioning.
Over here, the term "handicapped" is considered inappropriate and derogatory too. Equally it is not ok to use the word "spazz" as a verb or noun, but I know these things are quite commonly used in the US and not considered rude at all. Funny old language, English!

 

[arminnie]

I think it has to do with the all too common usage of the word as a negative adjective in recent years. Many years ago no one would have ever referred to something as "retarded" with that meaning.

A close friend of mine in her 80s has a son with severe mental and physical developmental problems from CP. As many CP people have totally normal cognitive functions she will often add that he is "mentally retarded" after saying that he has CP.

Now she loves her son dearly and has fought for him to have a good life for decades (he's in his 50s). I love him too. I think she would be horrified for someone to think she was using a "bad word", but I do cringe when I hear her say it.

 

[Schmeck]

We use the word retard in the science world all the time - to mean the slowing down of a process, be it a chemical reaction or a phase change. That's about the only time it is appropriate, as I don't believe a human being is ever deserving of being labeled with any kind of label. As the kids in my school like to quote "labels are for jars", LOL!

But to label the word 'retard' as a bad word - not when used in proper context, it isn't. Unlike the N-word... Can't think of when the N-word has a proper context!

 

[ireland_nicole]

the word retard when used as a noun (or anywhere in the world outside of a science room or piece of classical music -where it's spelled differently) is wrong. It's extremely derrogatory. And we all know it. Playing semantics on this is just a time waster IMO

 

[angelbearmom]

I think we all come from different experiences where these words have different meanings; just because it's generally offensive to me or to the majority doesn't make it so to everyone. For example, both of my children are severely delayed. When I'd visit with my grandmother I'd cringe when I'd hear her telling someone that my dd was "retarded". But, I knew I'd never change my grandmother so ignored it-I didn't entirely ignore it when my father told a friend not to bother talking to dd because she was "brain dead". I yelled at that one (she was missing most of her brain but was definitely NOT brain dead).

And, in the last week my son's supplies seem to have been sent to the wrong address (3 separate boxes and deliveries) and on the box is written "can't u read r......" (they were delivered to an address a thousand miles or more away.

I don't know if we can ever totally educate everyone. I just try to be as pc as I can be. I remember once when I was doing in home support hearing a parent describe her child as being "profoundly retarded" to a dr. I remember thinking how horrible it was to say that about her child. Now I know it's a label that people were used to hearing for a certain segment of the population. And, have accepted it to describe ds by some people-not me!!!!!


jmo

 

[perla75]

As the kids in my school like to quote "labels are for jars", LOL!

I really like that quote!! Mind if I borrow it?

 

[ireland_nicole]

slightly OT but another you might like, "normal is just a setting on your dryer." For some reason, that always cracks me up

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Here is how I explain it:

Retarded is a medical diagnosis. By saying something is retarded as a way of complaining about it or degrading it implies that being diagnosed with retardation means that you should be degraded. This term has also become a derogatory (sp?) term used to encompass any person with special needs, making it even more insulting.

 

[OneLittleSpark]

This is an interesting discussion! Before I start my post, I just want to make it clear that I'm about to go off on an academic musing. I always try my hardest (as I'm sure everyone here does) not to use language that would offend or upset anyone, and I don't believe for one second that a disability makes someone inferior to anyone else, in the same way that race, gender, sexuality or anything else doesn't. So, that said, off I go!

It's interesting how the meanings of words change. For instance, the term 'spastic' was originally another name for CP, and is still used as a medical definition for certain forms of CP (at least it is here, I have no idea about American medical terminology). The charity now known as SCOPE, used to be called the Spastic Society, and was in now way intended to demean those with CP. However now, it is used by some as an offensive term for anyone with a disability, or as an insult to anyone (in the same way as the r word is sometimes used). Also, the meanings of words are still changing, and certain words are becoming 'less acceptable'. As Leise said, the term 'handicapped' is now considered shaky ground over here.

Recently, SCOPE (sorry, I know that's 2 references to that one charity in this post, but I know a fair bit about it, as my mother works for them) published a leaflet outlining politically correct and incorrect language. We are no longer allowed to say 'disabled toilet' but must say 'accessible toilet'. OK, so I can see from a semantic point of view that, as the toilet isn't disabled, the original one is a little odd, but does this mean that other toilets are not accessible to anyone? Are they bricked in?

One of their 'politically correct' terms, actually offended me, though. They claim that you should no longer describe someone as 'able-bodied' but as 'non-disabled'. Now, in my mind, these are not the same thing at all! I have a friend with dyslexia, dyspraxia, OCD, ADHD, SSS, and probably a couple of other things that I have forgotten - he is certainly able-bodied (a little overly able, sometimes ) but is very far from being 'non-disabled'. The reason I find this offensive, is that it is implying that the only disabilities are mobility disabilities.

So I guess that brings me to the point that different people find different things offensive. This isn't an 'oh well, we shouldn't bother' type of statement, just that there are no easy answers (when are there ever?).

It's interesting the power that society gives to different words. The more something is used as a derogatory term, the more offensive people find it. I guess we could all adopt the 'sticks and stones' attitude, but you guys know as well as I do that words can hurt a lot more than bruises . Along the whole 'power of words' lines, Colours Wheelchairs produced a wheelchair called 'Spazz'. They did this to challenge perceptions of words, and the power we give them (also it gave them a bit of a 'bad boy' image ). It is now one of their best selling products.

Among my friends, I will happily respond to the term 'crip'. It's a running joke we have, and I know that they don't mean it to be nasty. In fact, when I am meeting people, I will sometimes say "but I'll also respond to oi crip" as a way to break the ice, and stop them feeling uncomfortable about the wheelchair. Now, I would never call anyone else 'crip' unless I was certain that they were in on the joke (I have a couple of friends with disabilities, who are perfectly happy to join in the banter), because I know that it can be a very hurtful term.

I guess the point I'm trying to get to is that, for me, I don't mind what people call me, but it's how they treat me that matters. Because I know that my friends can call me 'crip' and see me as an equal; when someone else could call me a 'wheelchair user', and think of me as inferior, or in need of patronising and mollycoddling. That doesn't mean that I'm not careful of the language I use for other people, as I know how much the 'wrong' words can hurt.

OK, I guess that's enough of my theoretical and academic wonderings, sorry it was rather an essay!

And back to the original point! Yes, the use of the r-word to describe things that aren't working properly can be very offensive. I think the things other people here have come up with are the best course of action. Explain that it used to be (and in some places or for some people, still is) a medical term, and that to use it as a derogatory term, is to insult all those for whom the 'medical term' would apply. It is the same as using the term 'gay' as an insult; it is implying that some people are inferior, just because of their sexuality.

We all know that using those words is wrong, but the disabled community always seems to be an easy target - maybe because some (like me) are a little slower moving : And I meant that only as humor about myself, and a lighthearted ending, not in any way to offend or be derrogatory, ; it's just that I feel the need to laugh about my situation where possible.

Humour is sometimes the best way to deal with the rougher bits of life. I completely understand (as I'm sure everyone here does) that sometimes you need to laugh at yourself and your situation, to make it easier to deal with. Also, if we are able to laugh at ourselves, we'll always have a joke, whatever situation we're in

 

[Schmeck]

the word retard when used as a noun (or anywhere in the world outside of a science room or piece of classical music -where it's spelled differently) is wrong. It's extremely derrogatory. And we all know it. Playing semantics on this is just a time waster IMO

No, I'm not trying to 'play semantics' - just saying that the word is used properly in scientific settings. It's not appropriate to use it as a noun, especially towards another human being. I just brought it up because when the science classes get to the part about catalysts in reactions, the word 'retard' is in the text.

 

[mechurchlady]

retard and spazz and spastic ha come to be used negatively. Whta a spazz or that is so retarded are the norm and I am verbally attempting to halt such bad usage of those words.

I hate the word retard as I have lingering bad memories as a kid of being on one end of the abuse or seeing others insulted. I am not retarded. I am different and never tested so anyone who uses that word around me will get their ears boxed verbally. It hurts when you are different and do not know why. It hurts when you cannot figure out how to be normal. It hurts deeply when you cannot stop from doing things like USE YOUR INDOOR VOIOCE. I dont have one. so stop telling me to use it. It hurts to be labelled abnormal.

 

[ChrizJen]

I can certainly sympathize with you, OP.
I can only tell you the argument I use when someone says "That's so gay!"

My response is usually something like "Oh! It's gay? Then it must be REALLY cool!!"
I tell them that gay is what I am. It is a part of my identity, and I'm proud of it. I politely ask that they don't use the word "gay" as an insult. That usually gets the message through (for a while, anway-until I have to remind them again).

I completely understand those who cringe when a mom refers to her child as retarded. But the sad thing is that there really isn't anything wrong with the word "retarded". No more than there is anything wrong with the word "gay". The words, when used properly, are completely harmless and innocent. So, while I know that there are better terms for the developmentally delayed, I wouldn't be so hard on people who use the term "retarded" in its proper context. I agree that to call a machine retarded because it's not functioning properly is WRONG, but there's nothing wrong with using it as a scientific term for slowing down a proccess (in my opinion). It is, after all, part of the definition of the word. We should focus mostly on correcting those who use the terms as an insult. If we can take the "bad" out of the bad word, then we can bring it back to its original, harmless meaning.






...What I don't understand is a mother (someone I know) whose son has Down syndrome telling me that the new rules at work are "retarded"!!
I know that some habits are hard to break, but I was caught completely off guard by that remark!! I wouldn't think that I would have to explain to HER why the use of that word in that context is offensive!

 

[SandrainNC]

I have said something to more than one person who has spouted out one of those words. My oldest has Down syndrome and as he gets older, the sting when I hear them is a little less. I still hate them, but it used to be when I heard it it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I mean, I felt it in my stomach. I also feel hurt more by it when I hear it from someone who knows me and who knows about my son. It is like, you know my son has Down syndrome, how could you say that??? But to them if they use it all of the time, it is no big deal. I think it is a very big deal. I actually had someone here at work who said it twice. I got upset both times. She felt I should apologize to her for my getting so upset. I think not! Human Resources did not agree with her take on the situation.

And yes, educators who spout that word out drive me absolutely crazy! I heard someone who called into the radio one time and she was a teacher and said it and I'm like, you work with children and should know better!!

The correct term is actually "mentally retarded". So without the mentally in front of it, it isn't right. However, if someone is speaking about their own child and says that I'm not going to freak out. Only if it is used as slang. I myself usually say cognitively delayed or something like that. I have never used the "r" word for him because it is used in such bad ways. Also, the schools (here anyway) do not use that term (MR) anymore. I can't remember what they use though.

Only one time has is been said to me. My son had his 3 year old psychological testing done. I went in for the results and the woman very slowly and calmly says "we think Ryan may be mentally retarded." And she said it like she was breaking very bad news. I told DH I wanted to say "you think?" I mean, he has Down syndrome after all. I just looked at her and nodded.

Sandra

 

[Schmeck]

Here in Massachusetts, we've finally gotten rid of the 'Department of Mental Retardation' label - it will cost some money to redo stationary, etc, but it is certainly worth every penny to do so!

You know, when I hear someone using the term retard to mean stupid/slow I tell them the proper definition, and how the word can be used properly, and how mean it is to use it as an insult. Oh yes, and when you use the word 'retard' in a scientific setting, the accent is on the second syllable, as it is used as a verb.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I work with kids, so I find that I need to be blunt. When a child uses that term in that way in my presence I say something along the lines of the following:

" I have family members and friends with developmental disabilities, people who would have been called retarded in the old days. When you use the word 'retarded' to describe something bad or something you don't like it insults them, it makes them think that you think they're bad or unlikeable, which they aren't. It also hurts me to hear you insult someone I love. I'm not angry this time, because I know you didn't know, but now that you do know I don't want to hear you use that term again." Often it leads to conversation, which is a good thing.

 

[Momma2dakidz]

When i hear "thats retarded!" or an insult of "retard" i go off tehdeep end. I politely ask them "is being mentally retarded a bad thing?" they say "no" so i then reply with "then dont use it as a bad insult" then i make a comment in regards to something they are wearing or hair color. and say was that justified does that mean all people wearing a red shirt are negative? usually they give me a look of annoyance and walk away. only one time did i have someone defend there "right" to say "retard". At that point i called customer service manager in and had them properly reprimanded for insulting me, a paying customer.

 

[Vijoge]

.

And yes, educators who spout that word out drive me absolutely crazy! I heard someone who called into the radio one time and she was a teacher and said it and I'm like, you work with children and should know better!!

Sandra

I used to work in a group home for adults with developmental delays.
We had a number of people with severe behavioral issues. One in particular would frequently punch holes in the wall and kick holes in his door.

One time the head of our agency was giving a tour of the home and someone asked about the damage. This very well known and respected person was heard telling the visitors "Yeah, that's what retards do".

In that instant I completely lost all respect for that man.

 

[arminnie]

It's interesting the power that society gives to different words.

That is so true. I think of the word "idiot. A century ago it was used to describe a person with mental disabilities. Because it is never used that way anymore and hasn't been for a long, long time I don't feel like I am insulting a person with a disability. I think of a person who uses the term "retard" as an idiot. But maybe I am wrong.

I completely understand those who cringe when a mom refers to her child as retarded. But the sad thing is that there really isn't anything wrong with the word "retarded". No more than there is anything wrong with the word "gay". The words, when used properly, are completely harmless and innocent. So, while I know that there are better terms for the developmentally delayed, I wouldn't be so hard on people who use the term "retarded" in its proper context. I agree that to call a machine retarded because it's not functioning properly is WRONG, but there's nothing wrong with using it as a scientific term for slowing down a proccess (in my opinion). It is, after all, part of the definition of the word. We should focus mostly on correcting those who use the terms as an insult. If we can take the "bad" out of the bad word, then we can bring it back to its original, harmless meaning.

Good point.

But I sometimes hesitate to use the words "developmentally delayed" because someone like my friend who is in his 50s - there is not a "delay". Delayed to me implies that it just takes longer to get someplace. He is not going to get any better - we love him and accept that this is it. But I guess that the term "mental retardation" also means a slowing.

Or like my SIL's sister who had a traumatic brain injury at the age of 23. She was not delayed at all - but she has significant impairment. She has functioned about like a 3 year old for the past 25 years since the accident.

I work with kids, so I find that I need to be blunt. When a child uses that term in that way in my presence I say something along the lines of the following:

" I have family members and friends with developmental disabilities, people who would have been called retarded in the old days. When you use the word 'retarded' to describe something bad or something you don't like it insults them, it makes them think that you think they're bad or unlikeable, which they aren't. It also hurts me to hear you insult someone I love. I'm not angry this time, because I know you didn't know, but now that you do know I don't want to hear you use that term again." Often it leads to conversation, which is a good thing.

That is really good. I'll have to remember that.