Baby shower

[osopecoso]

needs some advice/opinions here. We have someone who comes to our house once a week to clean/laundry/cook/etc. she has been with us since my daughter was a few months old (she was our nanny until daughter started school). She is pregnant and due at end of December. She is not going to be with us for a while after the baby is born. We want to throw her a baby shower/going away party at our home. They do not have a lot of money. They said ok to the baby shower. We told her to invite whoever they wanted. We will take care of the food and decorations. They just need to show up and give us a ballpark number on the amount of people attending.

This is where it gets uncomfortable. Her mother called us and asked if she can stop by and bring something for my daughter (she sews the nicest dresses for my daughter). She gives us an envelope with $500. She wants to contribute towards the party. We said no thank you. We told her our gift was the party. She insisted and started crying. We said ok. I told my wife to save it and give it to her daughter at the baby shower (not in front of everyone though). Is that ok to do. Do not want to insult anyone.

 

[sksjasams]

needs some advice/opinions here. We have someone who comes to our house once a week to clean/laundry/cook/etc. she has been with us since my daughter was a few months old (she was our nanny until daughter started school). She is pregnant and due at end of December. She is not going to be with us for a while after the baby is born. We want to throw her a baby shower/going away party at our home. They do not have a lot of money. They said ok to the baby shower. We told her to invite whoever they wanted. We will take care of the food and decorations. They just need to show up and give us a ballpark number on the amount of people attending.

This is where it gets uncomfortable. Her mother called us and asked if she can stop by and bring something for my daughter (she sews the nicest dresses for my daughter). She gives us an envelope with $500. She wants to contribute towards the party. We said no thank you. We told her our gift was the party. She insisted and started crying. We said ok. I told my wife to save it and give it to her daughter at the wedding shower (not in front of everyone though). Is that ok to do. Do not want to insult anyone.

Aw, that's sad. Maybe she wished she could give her daughter a nice shower. Have the invitations already been sent? If not, can you give her co-hosting credit on the invite?

 

[sasywtch]

I'm thinking, gosh what happened to a shower with a cake and some snacks. $500? Anyway, I would deposit the money and give that amount plus your own amount at the wedding. That way the mother will never know how much you would have given had you not chipped in that $500. (I don't think you give money at a shower? You could if you put a note, hope this helps with the wedding or whatever you want to say) I'm guessing they are getting married shortly after the baby is born by your post.

 

[osopecoso]

Aw, that's sad. Maybe she wished she could give her daughter a nice shower. Have the invitations already been sent? If not, can you give her co-hosting credit on the invite?

We are not going to put our names on the invite. We only put her moms name and husbands name with our address for location.

 

[osopecoso]

I'm thinking, gosh what happened to a shower with a cake and some snacks. $500? Anyway, I would deposit the money and give that amount plus your own amount at the wedding. That way the mother will never know how much you would have given had you not chipped in that $500. (I don't think you give money at a shower? You could if you put a note, hope this helps with the wedding or whatever you want to say) I'm guessing they are getting married shortly after the baby is born by your post.

Accidentally put wedding. It's a baby shower.

They have a large family and many friends. Food and parties down in Miami are not cheap. We are going to have it catered.

 

[hereyago]

That is very kind of y'all to throw her the shower. And yes it is fine to give her the money at the shower in private.

 

[sksjasams]

We are not going to put our names on the invite. We only put her moms name and husbands name with our address for location.

That is so nice. Maybe you could say something like the shower didn't end up costing as much as you thought it would and try to give it back to her again. If she won't take it again, say you feel bad keeping it since the cost was lower than you thought, but maybe the two of you could go shopping together for things off the daughter's registry? Or maybe express how much her daughter means to you, and that it would mean so much to you if she gave that money to her daughter. Maybe you could cry a little...

I think her feelings might be hurt if you give the money to her daughter.

 

[osopecoso]

That is so nice. Maybe you could say something like the shower didn't end up costing as much as you thought it would and try to give it back to her again. If she won't take it again, say you feel bad keeping it since the cost was lower than you thought, but maybe the two of you could go shopping together for things off the daughter's registry? Or maybe express how much her daughter means to you, and that it would mean so much to you if she gave that money to her daughter. Maybe you could cry a little...

I think her feelings might be hurt if you give the money to her daughter.

Yea we just don't want to give it back. They are like a second family to us. We would be insulting her if we give it back. I figure if we pull her daughter to the side and explain what happened then it will be ok (she can use the $$ towards something else or open a savings acct for the baby).

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I wouldn't try returning it to the mother or giving it to the nanny along with a private conversation about where it came from. Just write a check for any amount equal to or greater than $500 and gift it to/for the baby. You'll know you didn't keep it, the mother gets to feel like she contributed, and the new parents/baby will benefit from it which is ultimately what everyone wants anyway.

 

[Wendy31]

$500 is a nice sum & could purchase a lot of different things for either the woman's daughter or her new grandbaby.

If I were you, instead of giving the money directly to your former nanny, I might try again to give the money back one more time to the mother. Like another PP suggested, you might mention that the shower won't cost as much as originally thought & suggest that she use the $500 to get her daughter a really nice gift for the shower - a nice stroller, a crib, the crib bedding, etc. - some kind of lasting gift that the daughter will treasure, especially knowing that it came from her mother.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

If you are comfortable with it, I would ask the mom if she would like to help with the baby shower- help hang decorations, pick out food, plan games, whatever. Is it possible that maybe she feels like the baby shower should have been hers to give and just wants to feel like she's contributed to it? Then maybe you could see if she wants to go shopping with you for items off the registry closer to the shower and you guys can pick out some things together with that money from the "leftover" registry items.

I think my mom felt slighted a bit when my aunt hosted my baby shower, even though I doubt my mom would have hosted one that included big sides of the family, or that she could have afforded one. For various reasons, it wouldn't have worked out with my mom helping to plan the shower, but she did feel better helping to pass out the gifts and clean up wrapping paper, etc during the shower. She just didn't want to feel like someone was taking over her role as mother. I explained to her that by her not having to plan a big party, that freed her up to help me with various things I needed my mom for during the last few months, like advice, helping with shopping, etc.

I would just sit down and talk with the mom and try to understand where she's coming from and maybe let her know that you're just trying to help to make things easier on her and her daughter by throwing the shower.

 

[Nancyg56]

I woudl thank the Mom, ask her if she wants to help with the planning, etc, and then when the baby is born or just prior, give a check to your friend as a baby gift. The mother wants to contribute, so let her. You now have $500 more than you would have had for a baby gift. The money is still going towards this family.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would take the money and either give the daughter couple different gift cards to add up to $500. Give a gift card at the shower and then another gift card when baby is born. Acknowledge that gift cards and party is a JOINT gift from all of you as hosts and hostess.
Or put the money in a college savings account for the baby.

 

[earfulofmagic]

If using any of the aforementioned subtle tactics to return the $ to the mother didn't work out... I would try my hardest to drive up in the middle of the night and slip it in their mailbox, probably.

Or, give it to the mom-to-be as a going away bonus, tucked in with whatever card you want to give her. Give it to her as she's leaving and let her open it at home -- or when you volunteer to help load gifts in her car, slip your card in then, and she'll get it at home. (So, yes, it is totally fine to discreetly give her the money at the shower.)

Or, place it in an envelope with a nice card and message, address it "To Baby" on the envelope,
give it to mom-to-be and let her know not to open it until the baby's born.

The idea is not to create opportunity for another refusal/insistence situation. The sticking point: I would feel uncomfortable giving mom-to-be the money without explaining it is from her mother -- would feel almost like taking the credit away from the mother. But that part I can't really comment on handling.

If all else fails, invest it in the meantime and send it as a present ("bonus") come holiday season.

 

[ronandannette]

Aw, that's sad. Maybe she wished she could give her daughter a nice shower. Have the invitations already been sent? If not, can you give her co-hosting credit on the invite?

She could have, for $500. I'm with @sasywtch in not quite being able to grasp the scope of this event. . And as for all the PP's mentioning the mom wanting to host the shower, isn't it a DIS cardinal sin to host a shower for a close family member? Pretty sure I've heard it derided as a "gift grab" lots of times on here.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

She could have, for $500. I'm with @sasywtch in not quite being able to grasp the scope of this event. . And as for all the PP's mentioning the mom wanting to host the shower, isn't it a DIS cardinal sin to host a shower for a close family member? Pretty sure I've heard it derided as a "gift grab" lots of times on here.

I know that it used to be an older unwritten rule that the mother should never host the shower precisely because it comes off as a "gift grab" as you say. I think that it's becoming a lot more common lately for it to happen though, because sometimes there just isn't anyone else who offers to do it, or has the means to do it, etc. Most of the baby showers that I've attended in the past 10 years have been hosted by either the mother or mother-in-law.

 

[Nancyg56]

I know that it used to be an older unwritten rule that the mother should never host the shower precisely because it comes off as a "gift grab" as you say. I think that it's becoming a lot more common lately for it to happen though, because sometimes there just isn't anyone else who offers to do it, or has the means to do it, etc. Most of the baby showers that I've attended in the past 10 years have been hosted by either the mother or mother-in-law.

Years ago it was considered tacky for a mother to host any shower for a child. I am 61 and remember the rare occasion that a mother put her name on an invitation. Holy gossip! However, do not kid yourself, every one of those gossips knew that in most cases mothers were paying for and planning the showers and having a daughter or friend put her name on the invitation. It was silly then, and silly now. What purpose is a shower if not to have a party that includes gifts?

When my daughter was pregnant my cousins all told me to make sure she was given a shower, they were all coming to "help out" in the same way that I "helped out" their kids during all of their special occasions. I gave her a shower, and enjoyed every minute of it. And I was glad that in my family we all understand that there is no shame in supporting our kids for special events. I think that it is better today. No need for a parent to pretend to have no interest in a special event for a child.

 

[ronandannette]

FTR, I'm not against family members hosting showers for one another. I didn't actually know it was a problem until the DIS.

 

[osopecoso]

Well this is actually a surprise. The nanny's 2 sisters are going to help decorate the house and the mother is going to make a few dishes that her daughter loves.

We have catering company come out to make Paella on-site. Everyone can watch it being made. It's really good and fun. They also do grilling and tapas. we will also take care of beverages.

 

[Pooh2]

Returning the $500 gift to the mom would be an insult. Use it toward a baby gift (crib, dresser, or gift card?).
Be sure the mother-to-be knows her mom her was a great help in putting the shower on.
It sounds like you have a wonderful party planned for the family! Enjoy celebrating the new arrival!