Any adult children of a new step-parent?

[hollybearsmom]

They aren't getting hitched just yet, but my widowed father has a special someone and I cannot get over myself. I am hurt and suprised and shocked and even angry. Anyone face this??

 

[Mskanga]

I did , not exactly as an adult because I was 17 but it still doesn't make it any easier. To top it all off he was a jehovah witness and had two children from another marriage ( he was a widow too ) and the first few years were quite a challenge , my stepdad was the first one to withdrawl from the religion and the children followed not long after that.
It was a lot of mixed feelings for me at first , lI saw it as someone wanting to take my dad's place but eventually I started thinking my mom had always taken care of my dad and now it was her turn to be happy , that made things easier.
My relationship to my stepsiblings is now non existent , basically a hello when I see them and that's that.
My stepdad , I am kind of hurt with him right now , my mom is living in a nursing home because she has alzheimers and he is no longer able to care for her ( I understand that ) but he also has always told me that my kids would not feel like he was their grandfather biologically and since my daughter was diagnosed with cancer , not once he has called to ask how she is doing. I have called him but I won't anymore.

 

[hollybearsmom]

Mskanga, thanks for the reply. I am so upset right now. This lady has not been married before, but my dads grandkids are mostly young and I just can't get past them thinking that she belongs there. That is my moms place and I don't want to see her displaced. Someone else touching my moms things, dishes, photos of our family, etc. It is sickening to me, so much that I want my dad to move out of his house if they do stay on this course. I have already been told that it is really selfish but there is just no way I can think of it anyother way right now. Maybe in a year or two, but not today.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

My mother died when I was 21 and dad has been married twice since then (I'm 39 now). I love his current wife; the first one, not so much.

The bottom line is that your dad has a right to be happy and if he can find someone to make his life better you need to try really, really hard to accept it. He's not trying to replace your mom, he just wants love (and who wouldn't).

Was your mom's death relatively recent?

 

[safetymom]

Speaking as a widow I hope my children would wish me well. You don't know how alone you feel when you lose a spouse. If he has found love again you should celebrate. I am sure he hasn't forgotten your mother.

My late husband told me if he should ever die I should be sad for about a year and then I should go on and find someone else to love. I did date but I haven't found that special someone yet.

Is is fair he should live his life alone since his wife died? Just take it day by day and realize she isn't trying to replace your mother.

 

[hollybearsmom]

It has not been two years yet. I have been dealing with a lot of issues as I had postpartum when she died unexpectedly. I just can't picture him holding hands and smiling and laughing.

I don't want to sound ugly about this. I am in shock for sure. and so close to him, I am certainly jealous, but I really don't want anyone to make my mom less important. AmI explaining this well?

 

[safetymom]

How would you feel if you were in your fathers shoes/

 

[hollybearsmom]

I don't know. How would he feel in mine?

This is such a small family, my brother and his kids, plus me and mine all moved here two years ago when my parents did to be near them in their retirement. We had no idea there would be nine months before mom died and now in less than 15 more he has found a "companion". I cannot fathom how feelings change so fast. Isn't this just a rebound or something. I won't talk him out of it, but I don't know if I will want to visit anymore either. I am so sad. I don't want to plan the trip with these factors in mind. I just can't see reserving a room for Mr & Mrs. It isn't right. To me.

 

[barkley]

don't know if it's a common belief anymore, but in years past many viewed a remarriage by a widower in a relativly short period of time as a tremendous compliment to their previous marriage and spouse. i never understood this as a kid but the way it was explained to me was that it demonstrated that the prior marriage and relationship had brought happiness and fullfillment to the man that he could'nt imagine continuing on without.

i realy wish my mom would have even considered dating after my father died. she's now been a widow for longer than she was single or married. she and several of her friends lost their husbands after long and happy marriages and have spent as many as 40 years without companionship that no adult child can provide. i honestly do not believe that is what my father or any of the other husbands would have wanted.

 

[safetymom]

hollybearsmom, I don't how he would feel in your shoes. I can tell I have many friends that I met after my husband died that have remarried.

All of them still love and talk about their first spouse even though they are remarried to others. Their new spouses talk about their first marriage. I could tell you stories about all of them.

They are very happy. I wish I could bring you comfort. All I can tell you that the gift of time eases many hurts.

I will be praying for you.

 

[hollybearsmom]

thank you all for your challenges and your support. I broke down last night and talked to my dad about some of the issues I was having facing this. He acknowledged them all and was surprised by a couple.
He is probably going to bring her down to visit in two weeks. But they won't be staying together. So that is helpful to me. I understand them being adults, but we are quite strong in our religion and some of the issues are around that background. The rest are purely selfish, but I just feel very "left out". His life is moving forward too fast, and I'm just taking baby steps forward.
Thank you for giving me a shoulder to lean on, I need it!

 

[CarolAnnC]

As Barkley stated above, it is a testament to the first marriage when a widowed individual is able to find love again and go on.

In fact, I have also read that those who were the happiest in their marriages were able to go forward and were the most likely to find love again after widowhood. Not to say that everyone has the opportunity to find the right person right away again, but it can and does happen.

Life is a series of phases. Nothing ever stays the same. We grow up as children with our parents, mature and leave to make our own homes and start our own families. But life holds a series of doors that open and close. Sometimes change is good and sometimes change takes a while to get used to.

Please don't make a parent feel guilty for finding love again after losing their spouse. Being widowed is a horrible thing to go through and if one can find some more happiness in life then god bless them. We never "replace" people but we open our hearts and love grows and includes more people, however, we never forget those who are gone....

 

[jann1033]

my parents were divorced, my mom single for 10+ yrs when she met my stepfather. his first wife had died after a long( 20+ yrs) time in a nursing home( had a stroke when her daughter( my step sister) was born, ss is close to 50 now) funny everyone but the daughter was happy for them...daughter has been a pain, mean to my mother, nothing my mother has done has been good enough ( my mother is they type who gives all the kids more than she should, including stepdaughter and her kids,) regular spoiled brat attitude..moral of the story, it's driven a wedge between her and her father and who does she have to blame except herself? getting remarried shouldn't be a battle , imo i'm glad my mother found someone to live her remaining yrs with.

 

[hollybearsmom]

i am super close to my father. a real daddy's girl. Especially dependent on each other anytime my mom was ill and I stepped in to help out. Part of the ministries in his last church before he retired from full-time preaching. We did a lot of stuff together. He has helped my family out in crisis, babysat at times, he and I travel together to conferences sometimes. Just really close friends as well as my daddy. Things in the daddy side haven't been the same since mom died, and I miss that because I feel like I lost them both. Now he has a new friend. I'm not sure where I fit in. I hear you say that I will always be his daughter and come first, but it doesn't seem like that. I know I feel left out, but I've seen the remarriage situation not work out so well before, in that case his kids were treated like dirt and hers were the hot snot. I know there are happy endings too. I am just shocked to the core about this and scared too. Thanks for everyones input, it helps.

 

[lovemygoofy]

My married when I was 18. I had a canitption fit to say the least. I was NOT NOT happy and I made sure everyone in the house understood. It had always just been me and mom except for my grandparents. I did not want to share her and I always wanted to come first.

It took me a long time to come to grips with her getting married but I love my stepdad now as if he was my real dad. I did put them through the wringer though.

OP, you mentioned you feel left out. Imagine how your father feels. He was part of a couple for so many years. He had companionship and love and someone there at night. It's awful hard when that goes away and nothing, not even a child's love can fill that void. Imagine how your father feels when he sees you with your husband or your brother with his wife. Nothing truer has been spoken than saying "one is a lonely number." I imagine your father was married for a long time and honestly part of that is the generation where they feel like they "need" someone to be there to take care of them and to take care of someone. It's just how they were raised.

I think it speaks highly of your father that someone who has never married before has decided that your father is the one worth sharing the rest of the life with. He sounds like a special man and maybe getting to know his new friend can help come to terms with what is happening. Would your mother really want your father to be alone? Please give it sometime. I hope things get better for you.

 

[kdzgon]

...I hear you say that I will always be his daughter and come first, but it doesn't seem like that....

I am sorry you are feeling this pain, but I think if you step back you might see the above statement from a different viewpoint. We will always love our children, but in reality our children should come after our partners, not before. Our love for our children is not less; it is just different than that we share with our partner. This does NOT diminish our love for our children, but children need to leave the nest and start their own lives, and it happens much more quickly than we can imagine. It's not always so easy to stop putting our children first, but it really is necessary and healthy to do so.

Please try to look at it from the opposite side: when a child takes a spouse, that spouse should become #1, and parents essentially move to slot #2 (that does not mean you love your parents any less!). If that doesn't happen, the grown child cannot fully commit to creating his or her own family, as loyalties will always be split. If partners cannot form a strong primary bond, they will not have enough strength to support their children. Without a strong partner bond, they can neither properly raise nor "launch" the child when it is time.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your father for following a natural instinct to find a partner with whom he can find companionship in a relationship that is different from (but cannot replace) his love for you. He needs both kinds of love in his life, and that's no reflection on you or what you mean to him.

I also hope your dad can recognize when you really need him and be there for you. Don't be afraid to offer him a gentle reminder now and again, if need be - just try not to phrase it as an "either/or" choice, because that's not what it really is.

 

[RJSG]

I think I understand what you are going through as I am going through a similar situation. My mother passed away 9 months ago; my mother in law 20 months ago. We didn’t expect either to go and now, both my dad and my father in law are now in relationships. My FIL waited about a year and a half, but my dad started dating his girlfriend only a few months after my mom passed away. There is no doubt that it is rough to see either of them with someone other than my mom or my MIL. It has been easier with my FIL, after all it's not my parents. But I was very close with both of them and loved them. He waited a lot longer than my dad and he's taken it a lot slower. But I think it's what has been right for him.

As for my father... I know my parents had a good relationship and I know that they loved each other. I also know that my father was extremely lonely and he needs companionship. As he worked a lot when I was growing up, I'm grateful that he hasn't thrown himself into that. My father was very open with us early on that he didn't intend to spend the rest of his life alone. Nor would I want him to. But I also know that whomever he ends up marrying will not be my mother. I do not have to call her mom. But I do need to respect my father's wishes and choice in a *potential* second wife. Hopefully it’ll be someone who makes him happy and he can retire with her. And hopefully, it will be someone insightful enough to realize that she can’t replace my mom It has helped that he and I have talked about the situation on a couple different occasions and I haven't been afraid to tell him that while I think his girlfriend is a nice person and I am so glad he is happy, he may be moving to fast for me and my siblings. I think it’s important for everyone in my family to realize that we are all handling the situation differently and everyone moves at their own pace. I think it's about respecting each other and your feelings. And while it's ok for me to grieve and miss my mom (who was my best friend), it is not ok for me to hold back my father's chances for happiness. It sounds like you and your dad may be talking a bit and that's good. Keep it up, I know it's rough.

As your feelings regarding the grandchildren and your father’s new companion not belonging, I hear you there too. The one thing that gets me every time was that my children will not know my mom or MIL. They were wonderful people and fantastic grandmothers. But no amount of wishing will bring either one back. I can, however, work at keeping their memories alive. And when I have children, I will do exactly that. I also hope both my dad’s pick good people because my future children deserve grandmas.

Sorry for the long post. But I hope it helps you. I always find that it helps to talk… have you tried your brother? I was pleasantly surprised with mine.

 

[kayleighnik]

I'm going to have both a new step-dad and step-mother.

My future step-dad is a complete and utter...muppet...I don't want to swear but I would call him every name under the son if I could. He is manipulative, a lier and has my Mom wrapped around his little finger. He has two children (14 (male) and 18 (female)). I'm 20, with a 12 year old brother...we both hate him, literally.

My future step-mother is 8 years older than me..

 

[Sugarfoot]

I think men tend to move on quicker than women do. My father-in-law started seeing someone not long after my mother-in-law passed away after battling ALS for several years.

I know my situation wasn't the same as what you're going through, but I still had some unhappy-about-it-feelings. I dearly loved my mother-in-law, and when my father-in-law remarried one year after she died, it was hard to "get used to" having a new mother-in-law. But actually I guess I never really did "get used to it" because I call her by her first name, she's not "Mom" to me like my mother-in-law was.

My Dad passed away a few months ago, but my Mom is nowhere near ready to start "dating" again and she says she will never get married again. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it though, but it's hard to think of having a step-father and step-siblings possibly. Yikes.

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time dealing with everything.

 

[hollybearsmom]

Things aren't really that great, but not really that bad either I guess.
My dad seems happy. But then I haven't seen him since April, and he wasn't calling for awhile. He actually went into the hospital and had to have another heart cath. I didn't find out until four days after he went in, on the day off the cath, after it started, by e-mail. Yeah. That did not go over well. I ranted and stomped and yelled and he laughed about it.

I don't know if he is thinking that his absence in our lives now will make it easier when he passes. Or if he just is on some high and living the rest of his days insanely with this lady. Or if he thinks the once a week call is just fine. I just am really displaced by the whole thing and I do not know how to communicate with him now. It is a strange relationship shift.

I am deeply hurt and even the children have gotten put out by not seeing him or hearing from him. i sent him a lengthy email explaining how hurt I was that my children were not going to get to spend anytime with him this year, and if this is to be our last Christmas together, it really would mean a lot more to be together. i explained how hurt I was that I wasn't even told about him being sick even though I have been the one to sit at both my parents bedsides whenever there was illness. And how my brother is feeling with his son starting kindergarten in the fall and no parent to talk to about it. (He's in the middle of a divorce) The result was no answer to my email, but my dad has been calling twice a week now, once to check in with me, and once to talk to the grandkids.

I really don't know what to do. I am hoping that when he comes to the beach in Aug for a drs appt, that he will spend some real time with all of us. But I don't even want to tell the kids incase something comes up. And he won't give me the dates that they are going to join us in disney either. I'd really like to know, but he just won't say. I don't know if she is in control of the calendar--or if he is sicker than he lets on--or what. And I get no answers, just more worries and frustrations and tears.

I really appreciate all the insight from other people. I need another perspective, especially the positive ones. Thanks for sharing with me.