DiannaVM
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2015
Ok, I don't know exactly why but I've been in a bit of a rut for the last two weeks with absolutely no prompting that I can think of. Since I was like 10, I had on and off dealt with some anxiety issues, except I only ever saw a therapist as a child, not as a teenager or an adult.
I think the main reason why I get anxious is because I am so self-aware (as in, I feel as if I can feel everything that happens to/in my body and therefore I am constantly afraid I am sick or feel like I am dying and stuff. Very annoying to say the least).
However, I have found myself feeling depressive and extra down on myself lately. I've always had a low-self esteem and as a child my teachers would give my mom advice on ways to get me to "break out" but none of them really worked to be quite honest. I always figured as I grew I'd slowly come out of it, but now as an adult I just feel like I am getting worse. Because I have low self-esteem I have had run-ins with persons who took advantage of this or even made me feel worse by holding me overly accountable for my actions because of my low self-esteem (not that I am saying that being this way should be an excuse, but I just wish sometimes people who are supposed to know me well enough would be a little more understanding). Because of this rut I have been in, I have thought about the possibility that the anxiety and low self-esteem maybe correlated and wondered what others thoughts were on this.
Before my wedding, I told my primary care physician about my anxiety and she prescribed some Xanax saying that we should probably consider putting me in therapy down the road. I don't feel the need to take the Xanax all the time (she told me only to take it when I felt I really needed it), but because I am so self-concious I don't want anyone being aware that I go to therapy.
In all honesty, I just wish my mind would stop turning on me. Every time I do something wrong or make a mistake, my brain turns it into a big deal. Like earlier I did something at work that I immediately regretted, and while I don't think anyone feels like it was a big deal or anything to fuss about, the mere fact that I did it is tugging at me. My mind keeps playing scenarios on what my co-workers might say behind my back or if I'll be confronted by it, and because of that every other thing I've done since then I feel like I am just making even more mistakes or effing things up more and more, eventhough rationally I am not because I've followed protocol. When I have moments like this I feel like utter failure, and I feel constantly at war with my own mind. I only wish I knew why although I know no one will ever be able to give me that answer.
I think the main reason why I get anxious is because I am so self-aware (as in, I feel as if I can feel everything that happens to/in my body and therefore I am constantly afraid I am sick or feel like I am dying and stuff. Very annoying to say the least).
However, I have found myself feeling depressive and extra down on myself lately. I've always had a low-self esteem and as a child my teachers would give my mom advice on ways to get me to "break out" but none of them really worked to be quite honest. I always figured as I grew I'd slowly come out of it, but now as an adult I just feel like I am getting worse. Because I have low self-esteem I have had run-ins with persons who took advantage of this or even made me feel worse by holding me overly accountable for my actions because of my low self-esteem (not that I am saying that being this way should be an excuse, but I just wish sometimes people who are supposed to know me well enough would be a little more understanding). Because of this rut I have been in, I have thought about the possibility that the anxiety and low self-esteem maybe correlated and wondered what others thoughts were on this.
Before my wedding, I told my primary care physician about my anxiety and she prescribed some Xanax saying that we should probably consider putting me in therapy down the road. I don't feel the need to take the Xanax all the time (she told me only to take it when I felt I really needed it), but because I am so self-concious I don't want anyone being aware that I go to therapy.
In all honesty, I just wish my mind would stop turning on me. Every time I do something wrong or make a mistake, my brain turns it into a big deal. Like earlier I did something at work that I immediately regretted, and while I don't think anyone feels like it was a big deal or anything to fuss about, the mere fact that I did it is tugging at me. My mind keeps playing scenarios on what my co-workers might say behind my back or if I'll be confronted by it, and because of that every other thing I've done since then I feel like I am just making even more mistakes or effing things up more and more, eventhough rationally I am not because I've followed protocol. When I have moments like this I feel like utter failure, and I feel constantly at war with my own mind. I only wish I knew why although I know no one will ever be able to give me that answer.