Difficulties planning 2 family trip

If your DH is against it from the start it won't work. Only you know how to word this to you brother without offending him but this would be a great time to "throw Disney under the bus" so to speak. Make WDW the bad guy about how difficult ADR's are and how hard it is to stay together.

I planned a vacation for 13 with my sister's family and, even though I had complete control and everyone was super co-operative, it is a lot of work. Linking MDE's, getting FP+ for everyone and the ADR's are a nightmare! We had to split up into parties of 6 and 7 for almost everyone one. Although, I had to get to the podium early they did most places put us as one big table. I couldn't imagine doing it with small children or demanding adults.

Why don't you plan another trip with your brother for later?

I understand difficult families, but also your husband. I understand you don't want to tell your brother the reasons, but putting your brother's wants and needs before your own and your husband's (at least, most of the plan, it seems). This can only go wrong if not with your brother than with your husband and as you are spending the rest of your life with your husband, I would seriously look into how to accommodate your husband more. Nothing worse than a trip home with the deathly silences.

Also think how this could influence future trips. If you now let your brother bully you into do all the work according to his plans, he will probably not hesitated to do it a second time.

Keep your hotel and restaurant plans, tell your brother it wasn't possible to add them on certain things.

If you must fake a headache and go back to hotel with your family to get some down time together without hurting your brother's feelings.

Oh boy. I was coming on here as I am also planning a multifamily trip with my brother and was hoping for tips.

Yours sounds like there are already complications

I get where you are coming from though. I wouldn't be able to tell family they couldn't come with either. And I know many PPs suggested a lot of "firm stance" type of thing that I wouldn't be able to do either. I bet like a PP said that your DH just doesn't like to see the stress you put yourself under.

You are there for a week and he is there 4 days. So you do have 3 days of "family-only" time, which will help. I would take a deep breath and put together a rough plan so you can see how the whole trip will look and just how much you have to compromise.

Here's what I suggest (and yes, I am a people-pleaser who loves to make things happen for folks):
- Resort: I would tell him, "for your first trip I highly recommend you guys stay at CSR for the whole trip, especially since yours is a short trip. Don't worry - we have hoppers and are very used to moving around WDW so we can easily meet up with you at the parks. We only go back to the hotel to sleep anyway and after talking to my DH (I bet your DH won't mind being the bad guy sometimes), he thinks the switch to Pop works best for us. I think CSR is awesome for you especially with your littles who will need an afternoon break".

- Tickets: Base tickets are PERFECT for you guys - littles + first trip. No point for you to pay extra for hoppers. TRUST ME - with a 1 yr old, you'll want a break for your sanity. These are our plans - how about you plan a resort break/early bedtime while we hop to xx park? (will you/he have any interest in the 5 yr old tagging along with you while he and SIL care for the 1 yr old? If so, you could offer to take her along. That way he only has to upgrade hoppers for 1 person).

- Itinerary: your brother's midday breaks will be perfect for park-hopping/alone family time. Also, ask your brother what he DOESN'T like to do. If there's something your family likes but they don't, then just say - no problems. I'll help you plan to do xx that you like while we go do XX that you don't like. We'll arrange to meet up after here to do XX that we all like.

- Dining: your brother know that unfortunately you weren't able to add him to one, maybe two of your carefully planned must-do reservations? That will make Disney the bad guy and give you a somewhat graceful "out". Just say, "I'm SO sorry - and this is a huge must-do for DH (make him the bad guy too lol!). If we can't get you in, why don't I plan for you to do XX and we'll meet you after?".

- Rope Drop/Park arrival: This is BIG. Don't let yourself get sucked into getting tied to their departure time, even if you are staying at the same resort. It has the potential to drive you BATTY. my last trip was with my girlfriend. The first morning I was up and ready and raring to go (although I had planned a sleep-in morning). I suggested I go out and grab her a coffee first but my friend said she'd be ready in 10 mins and we'd just go down together. Nearly 30 minutes later (with me twiddling my thumbs but biting my tongue HARD and refusing to rush her), we left the room. The next 2 mornings, I warned her the night before that she should sleep in if she wanted to, but that if I was up early, I'd be out the door and would meet her at the park. She would have to be at XX location by XX time but otherwise, enjoy the morning! It worked out amazing (tip: tell them a time 15+ mins BEFORE any plans...as I was dancing around with impatience, stressed that my careful plans were falling apart when she was a few mins late), and I loved my solo mornings. Truth be told, my family can sometimes take forever to get out too so I think next trip, I'm going to tell them the same thing. That is the big perk of staying onsite.

- Extra: how about enjoying some of the side perks of having your brother along? Ask him if he would be willing to take your 3 yr old for one morning/afternoon/evening (to do kiddy rides or to go back to the hotel) so that you and your DH can focus on your 9 yr old doing the stuff she wants. I bet your 9 yr old would be THRILLED - ask him if he can do it as a pre-birthday gift for the 9 year old. Another thing you can ask is to swap adult date nights. This way, you don't get just the drawbacks of accommodating another family....but some of the perks too!

Another thing you can do is keep bringing up that if they want different things, etc - you'll be happy to help him plan it all out. That you don't just want him to do what your family likes. You want to make sure their family has an awesome time too.

I'm going to have to come back here multiple times to read all the advice you get (including my own!) as I know i'm going to run into a couple of tricky situations with my own trip with my brother! I always put SO much pressure on myself to make sure everyone's trips are perfect. Do keep us updated as plans proceed as I think I am going to learn a LOT from this.

Op tell your brother you will ask him what he wants to do with HIS FAMILY maybe you could meet up for rides but your trips is about your family and your oldest birthday not him his trip should be about him maybe spend one whole day together out of the three days his is their but don't change for him your have yours plans set in stone.

You need to tell your brother that while you look forward to his family coming, you have specific plans that you won't be changing. If he wants to stay in the same resort, he can book where you booked. If he wants to eat with you he can try and get ADR's at the same place and time, otherwise he needs to book what he can get for his family. Same goes for FP+ when the time comes for you to book those. Last, tell him that you will be park hopping and he can either buy those tickets and do the same or you will go separate ways when you are ready to change parks.

Frankly I would tell him this is your vacation and he isn't in a position to dictate what your family does, especially since your plans are already set. I can understand your husband's reluctance to include them with that attitude.

Some of these responses are great advice. I am going to use a lot of it. I will try to compromise while making everyone as happy as possible, but I will not change certain things. I did just make a change that will make everyone happy and hopefully make things a little easier. I changed our POP reservation to Wilderness Lodge, so we will be staying there on our MK and EPCOT days. I might change our CSR reservation to POP to offset the price change. If I change to POP and he doesn't want to stay there, it's his decision. I will take advantage of the fact that he has base tickets and I will be utilizing hoppers for reservations at different parks for time "we" (really my husband) want to spend apart.

Glad you are feeling better about the plans ahead.

I would suggest you keep emphasizing to your brother how much better it will make his trip to stick with base tickets and one resort. But be aware that he MAY change his plans to match yours when you stand firm.

I just sent a lengthy note to my brother and SIL telling them how much I want our trip to be enjoyable for everyone. And suggesting we give ourselves the freedom of not doing every attraction/meal together. AND telling them to please give me a kick when I become a Disney know-it-all hyperplanner. I do have to be careful to balance myself. I want to pour all my energies this trip on my little niece who I adore. And to make sure my brother and SIL have an amazing time. But I also know my family needs and wants me too. I have promised my DH a date night, my son and I at least one morning alone together, and my DD several late nights doing coasters together. I would dearly love to also fit in some one-on-one time with my SIL (she has mentioned before that she rarely gets to spend time with me because my family is always needing my attention). Then my DH mentioned that if either my Dad or my Mom comes, he thinks my brother and I should try for some time for just us and our parent (that just about made me cry as I never even thought of that and that would be amazing!).

OK - I just looked at all that and even with a 14 night trip, I'm going to be burning the candle at both ends. I guess I'll sleep when I get home?

- Extra: how about enjoying some of the side perks of having your brother along? Ask him if he would be willing to take your 3 yr old for one morning/afternoon/evening (to do kiddy rides or to go back to the hotel) so that you and your DH can focus on your 9 yr old doing the stuff she wants. I bet your 9 yr old would be THRILLED - ask him if he can do it as a pre-birthday gift for the 9 year old. Another thing you can ask is to swap adult date nights. This way, you don't get just the drawbacks of accommodating another family....but some of the perks too!


I think this is an awesome idea! There are some perks to this you can sell your husband with

I did tell him about potential date time and using child swap, so we can actually go on rides like Rock N Roller Coaster together instead of taking turns with our 9 year old or by ourselves if she isn't up to it.

You've gotten a lot of great advice here already. I did a family trip - 6 adults, 1 kid and 2 babies - back in March 2016 (is March the month for extended family trips or something?!) When I was first reading I thought your brother was a Disney expert too, and had specific ideas based on his experience and he was trying to impose them on you so you did EVERYTHING together. I would frame it with him as, trust me - our families will have different things that they enjoy more, and so I am going to put some plans in place for your family that are specially tailored so your family will enjoy them. And we will work in some together time at the parks as well. Some ADRs are notoriously hard to get and I told my sister (who wanted to "wing it") that I had made a few hard to get reservations before they were confirmed to come and so I could try to add them on but couldn't guarantee anything, and I wasn't going to trash them completely because they were things that DD really enjoyed. We also toured in a different way from how we usually did - we did a little more QS meals and some of the TS meals we did at the monorail resorts so my family, who didn't have hoppers, wouldn't have to take that into consideration when deciding which park they were going to that day.

I wonder if your brother might be especially clingy about the trip because he's overwhelmed about what to do/when to do/how to do everything and if he sticks with you ALL the time then he won't miss anything. For my sister and parents, I actually made an Excel spreadsheet with each day on a different page, printed, that listed all the things that were planned (meals, FPs, any shows etc we wanted especially to catch). Having that visual helped them see how there we big blocks of time each day we'd be together, etc.

Also - my elderly parents (mom has dementia) and my sister all had no problem meeting us and taking Disney transportation on their own. If they could do it, your brother can. It probably seems more challenging and overwhelming, and once he's actually there, they'll be enjoying themselves so much they won't notice.

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"My brother is very picky and impatient, so I am very nervous about the trip going smoothly and living up to their expectations."

OP, this was the sentence that concerns me the most! Don't set yourself up to provide them with the perfect vacation that lives up to their expectations. You are not responsible for their vacation happiness. You can't make them have a good time and you might end up having a terrible time trying to make certain they have a good one. It creates an unhealthy dynamic and the planner (you) ends up miserable while the others enjoy watching you jump through hoops to keep them happy.

RachaelA said:

If your husband says no, I don't understand why you are not telling your brother no. It's your husbands vacation time, both your money. It's extremely rude to basically steamroll over his wishes and force your brother and your brother's wishes on your husband.

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I think this kind of sums up what your HD may be thinking. I don't know the answer, but I do know that on the few occasions my DH say no, I generally try to acquiesce.

HopperFan said:

I have traveled to Disney with a variety of family members on both sides of the family. I have seen the good, bad and UGLY. Your trip has already started on the ugly path. I have learned, the hard way, there are people I will not travel with, even if we do fine hanging out together at home.

I am 100% with your DH. Based on your description of your brother and his attempt to take over your trip I see two options:



I just don't get folks inviting themselves on to other folks vacations, uber rude.. A group discussion to plan a trip together in advance is fine, we do it, but never would I ask to go along with someone who has a planned trip.

Sounds like your brother needs to vacation on his own, his way. He might be miffed now but sounds like this trip could lead to a bigger blowup.

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You said it!!
When my DGD was 4 the family planned a trip to WDW. My DD, Kady's Mom, only had one request, she wanted to stay at AKL. Done. I was my DGD caregiver, so I was home with her and able to spend a lot of time researching what was our first trip back as a family since my own children were little. My first husbands sister wanted to come along. Fine. She loved Kady, wanted to experience her first trip, so why not? OMG!!!! Why??????? She was a frequent WDW visitor and had her own idea of how to vacation there. It was not what my DD and DSIL wanted, and it did not consider that my DH had not been on a vacation in 11 years. When you begin a trip with obvious differences, it can only go two ways.....better or down the drain. It did not get better. The resort? no. The DDP? no. CL Level? no. Right down to how her friend used to book rooms was a discussion. Finally, before a full mutiny took place, I had to tell her enough!!!! We had already made decisions before she decided to join us, and she had a choice. Come with us, stay home, or stay with the niece and join us when she wanted. But she had to stop upsetting my daughter, or the decision would be taken out of her hands.

The trip itself was awesome! My DS and DDIL were able to join us as a surprise, and my first husbands niece and nephew did as well. DH paid for all OOP expenses for everyone, tips. meals, and alcohol. He never said a word while we were there until the last day. He said "Never again." Turns out my family all said the same thing. "If she goes, we stay home."

SO we plan a trip the following year, and do not include her. That was a nightmare in itself, and I ended up planning an additional trip so she and I, along with my niece could take Kady. That was a disaster.

OP- You have a choice in how you handle this situation, but beware that you do not fall into the trap I fell into. Your brother may say he wants you to plan, but what he is demonstrating is that he already has made his mind up about how you all will vacation. My sis IL said one thing, but her actions on both of those trips were in direct contrast with her words. It sounds like your brother is much the same way. He wants to be in control, and while that would be fine if both families wanted the same thing, your families are not on the same page. When you add that he is not Disney knowledgeable and wants you to be his guide, but has already set terms, all I see is a disaster in the making.

I think you have two choices. You can tell your brother what your plans are....and I see you are already making changes.... help him make his, and you meet when you can.

Or, and this is what I would do, incidentally if I could convince DH to go along, ...and I am a people pleaser...tell brother that if he comes he needs to understand that you are on two trips. Yours and his. You can meet when it is convenient, but you have made plans that are pretty much set in stone. I'll be honest, my husband would most likely choose to stay home unless I made huge changes in this trip.

Nancyg56 said:

I think this kind of sums up what your HD may be thinking. I don't know the answer, but I do know that on the few occasions my DH say no, I generally try to acquiesce.



You said it!!
When my DGD was 4 the family planned a trip to WDW. My DD, Kady's Mom, only had one request, she wanted to stay at AKL. Done. I was my DGD caregiver, so I was home with her and able to spend a lot of time researching what was our first trip back as a family since my own children were little. My first husbands sister wanted to come along. Fine. She loved Kady, wanted to experience her first trip, so why not? OMG!!!! Why??????? She was a frequent WDW visitor and had her own idea of how to vacation there. It was not what my DD and DSIL wanted, and it did not consider that my DH had not been on a vacation in 11 years. When you begin a trip with obvious differences, it can only go two ways.....better or down the drain. It did not get better. The resort? no. The DDP? no. CL Level? no. Right down to how her friend used to book rooms was a discussion. Finally, before a full mutiny took place, I had to tell her enough!!!! We had already made decisions before she decided to join us, and she had a choice. Come with us, stay home, or stay with the niece and join us when she wanted. But she had to stop upsetting my daughter, or the decision would be taken out of her hands.

The trip itself was awesome! My DS and DDIL were able to join us as a surprise, and my first husbands niece and nephew did as well. DH paid for all OOP expenses for everyone, tips. meals, and alcohol. He never said a word while we were there until the last day. He said "Never again." Turns out my family all said the same thing. "If she goes, we stay home."

SO we plan a trip the following year, and do not include her. That was a nightmare in itself, and I ended up planning an additional trip so she and I, along with my niece could take Kady. That was a disaster.

OP- You have a choice in how you handle this situation, but beware that you do not fall into the trap I fell into. Your brother may say he wants you to plan, but what he is demonstrating is that he already has made his mind up about how you all will vacation. My sis IL said one thing, but her actions on both of those trips were in direct contrast with her words. It sounds like your brother is much the same way. He wants to be in control, and while that would be fine if both families wanted the same thing, your families are not on the same page. When you add that he is not Disney knowledgeable and wants you to be his guide, but has already set terms, all I see is a disaster in the making.

I think you have two choices. You can tell your brother what your plans are....and I see you are already making changes.... help him make his, and you meet when you can.

Or, and this is what I would do, incidentally if I could convince DH to go along, ...and I am a people pleaser...tell brother that if he comes he needs to understand that you are on two trips. Yours and his. You can meet when it is convenient, but you have made plans that are pretty much set in stone. I'll be honest, my husband would most likely choose to stay home unless I made huge changes in this trip.

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You have given me perfect plans for our next trip to Disney. DH and I already know that FIL is going to invite himself along. We already avoided it on our last trip by not telling him before we went, and it resulted in him not speaking to us for months. Luckily DH doesn't really want his dad along either, so we're on the same page. We will acquiesce with the conditions you've outlined: this is our trip, these are our plans, we will not be changing any of it, nor will you upset any of us with your behavior, because we will never again spend more than 2 hours with you if you think you can run any of this show. Never. Again. That's my new mantra.

IrishNYC said:

You have given me perfect plans for our next trip to Disney. DH and I already know that FIL is going to invite himself along. We already avoided it on our last trip by not telling him before we went, and it resulted in him not speaking to us for months. Luckily DH doesn't really want his dad along either, so we're on the same page. We will acquiesce with the conditions you've outlined: this is our trip, these are our plans, we will not be changing any of it, nor will you upset any of us with your behavior, because we will never again spend more than 2 hours with you if you think you can run any of this show. Never. Again. That's my new mantra.

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I think that there are times when you just have to play hard ball, and vacations with difficult people are those times. WE vacation as a large family often and all of us do well together, but that's because we all discuss the "must do" aspects of trip, plan meals we all will enjoy, and then call it a day. As an example of what we were dealing with that first trip: my DD and DSIl lived with us at the time as they saved to buy their own home. I knew that they could have gone on this trip just the three of them for no other reason but to have alone time as a family, but they wanted us to join them. I made it clear that I expected them to split off as their own little family as often as they wanted, planned or no plan....just go off and enjoy their little girl. Holy Hellfire from my sis il!!!! How dare they go off alone???? Back off Bessie! Be glad they included you at all. It was the little things I guess that added up....I dont notice much, but the rest of the family did, and that trip was the beginning of the rift they had with her.

I hope that your FIL understands that there is a vast difference between joining you on the vacation and enjoying a family vacation, and barging in and trying to control someone else's vacation. WIthout mutual respect for one another's expectations it will be a disaster that cannot be repaired. Tell him to call me! DH and I are invited on almost every vacation our DD and our DS goes on, and I almost always accept. We are included because we truly enjoy them, we want them to have fun as their own family, and we never try to tell them how to vacation. The less we say, the more influence we seem to have.

@Nancyg56 unfortunately my FIL will want to spend every minute attached to us. Will want to be in every picture. Will want to ride every ride with DD. And of course DD adores him, and will want to go on every ride with her pop, and it will turn into "Pop and DD's trip" and DH and I will end up being the unhappy spectators. My blood pressure is already rising! If we lay out the rules we'd like before, like limits on time spent together, that we need alone time as a family, etc., FIL will be insulted and hurt and make everyone miserable for the foreseeable future.

Multi-family trips are certainly not easy unless everyone is on board with the same vacation styles and philosophies!

IrishNYC said:

@Nancyg56 unfortunately my FIL will want to spend every minute attached to us. Will want to be in every picture. Will want to ride every ride with DD. And of course DD adores him, and will want to go on every ride with her pop, and it will turn into "Pop and DD's trip" and DH and I will end up being the unhappy spectators. My blood pressure is already rising! If we lay out the rules we'd like before, like limits on time spent together, that we need alone time as a family, etc., FIL will be insulted and hurt and make everyone miserable for the foreseeable future.

Multi-family trips are certainly not easy unless everyone is on board with the same vacation styles and philosophies!

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Well that stinks! I dont envy you or your DH. YOu both are better people than I. If I had to plan this trip I woudl plan a three day max, and deal with that. That would be it.

DisneyHardin said:

Sorry. I mis-read when you said "what my brother wants out of the trip" as "my brother now wants out of the trip".

My apologies.

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I read it the exact same way, lol.

Your brother doesn't get to put all the planning on you but then ask for changes to suit him. He can join you or not. You can choose to compromise if you wish, but don't let him take over. It will end up pleasing no one.