Difficulties planning 2 family trip

[1983DisneyFanatic]

My husband and I had been planning a trip in March to celebrate our daughters' birthdays from 3/3/17-3/11/17. My daughter's 9th birthday (from my first marriage) is 3/10 and our daughter together turns 3 on 3/30. We were very excited for this trip and visiting SeaWorld, Flower & Garden Festival, and a spring training game. Not to mention the amazing day I have planned for my daughter's birthday, I was able to get everything I wanted PPO Akershus breakfast, BBB reservation followed by lunch at CRT, and dinner at BOG. My brother and his family; wife, 5 year old daughter (very close with my 9 yo), and 1 year old son, have decided to come. They have never been to Disney and are entrusting me with the entirety of the planning. My brother is very picky and impatient, so I am very nervous about the trip going smoothly and living up to their expectations. As if that stress isn't enough, my husband has now threatened to cancel our trip. He added a couple other reasons, but the real reason is he does not want my brother's family to join us! It would cause a HUGE rift if my brother knew this. I tried to assuage my husband by saying we didn't have to be together the whole time and my brother will not dictate the whole trip (this is usually the case). I just finished going over things with my brother and what he wants out of the trip. While he will be staying 3 less days than us, he wants to stay together the WHOLE TIME. Including staying at the same resorts. I had a split stay planned for Coronado and POP. He booked CSR and wants me to change POP to AOA or another mod. He also wants 4 day base tickets, but I am doing hoppers. Sorry for the novel, but any advice/ thoughts?

 

[mom2rtk]

I would never do a trip where I was joined at the hip with another family, even if my husband didn't seem to have issue with it. With your husband against it already, something is going to have to give.

You need to find a way to address this with your brother asap.

 

[caroline1851]

Tell your brother you're going to keep this trip just your husband and 2 daughters as there are specific things you guys plan to do to celebrate their birthdays and it doesn't seem as though you want the same things out of the trip. Let him know you'll plan a trip in the future for all of you.

 

[Geoff_M]

I just finished going over things with my brother and what he wants out of the trip.

If the two families have significant philosophical differences in how the trip would be structured (length of stay, which resort, whether or not to hop, etc.) it sounds like trying to "force" both groups into one model is a sure-fire recipe for a miserable trip for everyone.

I'd say "Hey, look, here's what we're doing. You guys are more than welcome to join us for some or all of the trip. Either way is fine with us!"

 

[crazylady]

I actually think what he wants can work in your favor.

A. Sorry, brother. These are the resorts we've chosen. I'd be happy to book you at AOA and meet you at the parks

B. You want base tickets? Great! We'll spend the first part of the day with you before we hop to our next park.

With both A and B you spend less time with him which sounds like would make your husband happy.

Seriously though, of you want to do this you need to have a discussion with your brother about what works for your family and how much time you want to spend with them.

 

[DisneyHardin]

If your brother is saying that he wants out, I would say something like "I understand, maybe we can try to plan something together again in a few years" and just let it be.

 

[1983DisneyFanatic]

If I tell my brother, however gently or politely worded, that we don't want him to join us on the trip, he will be offended. He holds a grudge like no other. I really do not want to cancel the trip entirely and that's the only way to do it without offending him. I did tell him that I was not willing to cancel some of my dining reservations and I might not be able to rebook them for a party of 8. If this was not his first trip, he wouldn't want to stay together the whole time, but he finds the planning daunting and has no idea what to do.The crowds will stress him out and not knowing the layout of the parks, etc. Just trying to help him figure out what he wants to do (restaurants, resorts, stroller, etc), he got all stressed out and said he just wants me to tell him what to do and stay with him. He will take mid day resort breaks and I don't usually, so we could potentially be by ourselves for a few hours each day. My husband was relieved when I told him we wouldn't be together the whole trip, but I haven't told him that my brother wants exactly that.

 

[1983DisneyFanatic]

If your brother is saying that he wants out, I would say something like "I understand, maybe we can try to plan something together again in a few years" and just let it be.

My brother does NOT want out. He is completely in and wants our families to do this trip together. My husband does not want him to come. I will not tell my brother this under any circumstances.

 

[mckennarose]

No offense, but I can see why your DH doesn't want your brother going with you. It doesn't seem like your brother is entrusting your with all the details when he's already changing the hotel and is making demands. Besides that, trying to do EVERYTHING together can be a nightmare, especially when you're appeasing one person, which it seems like the only person guaranteed to get what they want is your brother. As you've stated, is usually the case. (dictating the whole trip)

Its your vacation too, and you should plan it the way you want it. He is welcome to come along and do his own thing, but not dictate what you and your family do. If that means doing things separately at times, fine. You need to decide what is important to you and your family and be strong enough to tell him if your plans and ideas don't agree with his. It's not your responsibility if he gets angry. You're not being mean, just exercising your own rights as a person.

We've done trips with extended family and they can work as long as everyone knows up front what the expectations are. We don't spend every minute together and we don't get offended with each other if they don't want to come with us somewhere in the park. We do have a few pre arranged times together where we'll meet up for dinner or watch a show.

The great thing about Disney is being able to make it "yours". There is really no right or wrong way to do it. If your brother is stressed out at planning, assure him that his family will have fun no matter what. The place is so huge with so much to see they will not be bored. Not many people have the benefit of going with an experienced Disney vet, but they can still figure out some things on their own. Find out what is important to him and help him make a game plan. Maps are online and easily accessed. Robo has a bunch on here with fireworks viewing, etc. Direct him to the resources, but don't feel responsible for him having a good time. That will be up to him.

Good luck!

 

[1983DisneyFanatic]

I actually think what he wants can work in your favor.

A. Sorry, brother. These are the resorts we've chosen. I'd be happy to book you at AOA and meet you at the parks

B. You want base tickets? Great! We'll spend the first part of the day with you before we hop to our next park.

With both A and B you spend less time with him which sounds like would make your husband happy.

Seriously though, of you want to do this you need to have a discussion with your brother about what works for your family and how much time you want to spend with them.

I think you're right about that. I already told him about dining reservations that I wasn't willing to cancel, so I can also use that to split up a little. I will plan on rope dropping with them each morning and staying together for a while, then going to another park. Possibly meeting back up in the evening if my husband is up for it and hope for the best.

 

[1983DisneyFanatic]

No offense, but I can see why your DH doesn't want your brother going with you. It doesn't seem like your brother is entrusting your with all the details when he's already changing the hotel and is making demands. Besides that, trying to do EVERYTHING together can be a nightmare, especially when you're appeasing one person, which it seems like the only person guaranteed to get what they want is your brother. As you've stated, is usually the case. (dictating the whole trip)

Its your vacation too, and you should plan it the way you want it. He is welcome to come along and do his own thing, but not dictate what you and your family do. If that means doing things separately at times, fine. You need to decide what is important to you and your family and be strong enough to tell him if your plans and ideas don't agree with his. It's not your responsibility if he gets angry. You're not being mean, just exercising your own rights as a person.

We've done trips with extended family and they can work as long as everyone knows up front what the expectations are. We don't spend every minute together and we don't get offended with each other if they don't want to come with us somewhere in the park. We do have a few pre arranged times together where we'll meet up for dinner or watch a show.

The great thing about Disney is being able to make it "yours". There is really no right or wrong way to do it. If your brother is stressed out at planning, assure him that his family will have fun no matter what. The place is so huge with so much to see they will not be bored. Not many people have the benefit of going with an experienced Disney vet, but they can still figure out some things on their own. Find out what is important to him and help him make a game plan. Maps are online and easily accessed. Robo has a bunch on here with fireworks viewing, etc. Direct him to the resources, but don't feel responsible for him having a good time. That will be up to him.

Good luck!

Perfect advice and accurate assessment of my situation.

 

[PlutoTheDog89]

Hey there...

Unfortunately, planning with other families—especially your own—is very difficult.

We had a family join us for Christmas a few years ago. The planning process was stressful. They were extremely accommodating, taking on a "point us and we'll go" mentality, but it was stressful from the standpoint of getting 8 ADRs, rather than 4 and 8 FP+, rather than 4. Plus, they didn't book until September, so trying to add them onto some of our ADRs was very difficult. We were able to get them on a few, but most places were booked solid. It went pretty smoothly, but of course being around each other all the time, we had our difficulties. Like, we're big eaters. I eat very healthy all year long, but on vacation and at Disney, I like to splurge. I'm a snacker. This family was very light eaters and often threw in a "oh no I can't eat that now, I'll wait for dinner." It made you feel a little out of place when you were stuffing your face and they're sitting there watching you.

ANYWAY

You're doing your brother a favor. What you're doing, people pay TA's and planners to do. You're doing it for free. AND, you're the Disney Vet. Maybe sit your bro down and say "listen, you're gonna have to trust me. I've done this many times before and I know what I'm doing. I'm not gonna steer us wrong."

With that said, though, it works both ways. Your daughter's bday is your daughter's day. That day is absolutely non negotiable. I would have your brother go on the site. If there's a restaurant he absolutely won't eat at (let's say, Boma) then it's understandable. Maybe find a common ground. If he's gonna be way too picky, though, have him choose his own restaurants. You guys are gonna be around each other a lot during the trip. It's not gonna kill you not to have a meal together. During our Xmas trip, we had a few meals with just our family and the other family went off and did their own thing. It was a nice break from one another and when we linked back up, we had a few stories to share about our meals.

As for your hubby... It's understandable. He probably sees it as his wife is going through all this trouble and your brother is stressing you out.

 

[PlutoTheDog89]

I actually think what he wants can work in your favor.

A. Sorry, brother. These are the resorts we've chosen. I'd be happy to book you at AOA and meet you at the parks

B. You want base tickets? Great! We'll spend the first part of the day with you before we hop to our next park.

With both A and B you spend less time with him which sounds like would make your husband happy.

Seriously though, of you want to do this you need to have a discussion with your brother about what works for your family and how much time you want to spend with them.

This is the right answer. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. You can't please everyone. Sometimes with these larger trips, it's best just to let people go their separate ways, then come together for events like your daughter's bday.

 

[1983DisneyFanatic]

This is the right answer. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. You can't please everyone. Sometimes with these larger trips, it's best just to let people go their separate ways, then come together for events like your daughter's bday.

He'll be leaving on her birthday, so that day will be unaffected and we will likely not see them at all which is actually unfortunate because that is the one day my husband wouldn't object to being together all day. My daughter would also want it that way.

 

[IrishNYC]

My brother does NOT want out. He is completely in and wants our families to do this trip together. My husband does not want him to come. I will not tell my brother this under any circumstances.

I feel your pain. I have been there, done that with in-laws, and with my husband's feelings towards vacationing with my family. His family does not vacation the same way we do, and neither of us really want them along, but he feels bad saying no, and they get extremely offended (to the point FIL didn't speak to us for 3 months [yay!] after our last trip to Disney) when we do say no. My family likes to vacation together in the same place, but not on top of each other 24/7. We tend to regroup for dinner together while sometimes being together, and sometimes going our separate ways during the day. It works very very well for all of us.

I actually think what he wants can work in your favor.

A. Sorry, brother. These are the resorts we've chosen. I'd be happy to book you at AOA and meet you at the parks

B. You want base tickets? Great! We'll spend the first part of the day with you before we hop to our next park.

With both A and B you spend less time with him which sounds like would make your husband happy.

Seriously though, of you want to do this you need to have a discussion with your brother about what works for your family and how much time you want to spend with them.

I think this is a great compromise. You need to have an honest discussion with your brother about how much time you can mentally afford to spend together, while still being with him and his family at Disney. I'd even offer a compromise and offer to plan his FPs and ADRs, and a bonus of that is that YOU can control a good portion of the time you spend together.

 

[goofyintoronto]

OP, you got some great advice here. I would honestly be firm with your brother and tell him that although he wants to do EVERYTHING together, YOU DO NOT. I'd make this abundantly clear as soon as possible. Just tell him nicely that you want to do a few things on your own.

I'd go INSANE if I had to spend 24/7 with my sister and her fam! I like my space.

As for him wanting you to switch resorts....nope. That wouldn't fly with me. As someone else had mentioned, he cannot depend on you for a good time. That'll be up to him and his family.

 

[RachaelA]

If your husband says no, I don't understand why you are not telling your brother no. It's your husbands vacation time, both your money. It's extremely rude to basically steamroll over his wishes and force your brother and your brother's wishes on your husband.

 

[HopperFan]

I have traveled to Disney with a variety of family members on both sides of the family. I have seen the good, bad and UGLY. Your trip has already started on the ugly path. I have learned, the hard way, there are people I will not travel with, even if we do fine hanging out together at home.

I am 100% with your DH. Based on your description of your brother and his attempt to take over your trip I see two options:

- Tell your brother that this trip is for your girls and it will be only your immediate family.

- Cancel the trip (how sad) and then rebook another trip, and don't tell him.

I just don't get folks inviting themselves on to other folks vacations, uber rude.. A group discussion to plan a trip together in advance is fine, we do it, but never would I ask to go along with someone who has a planned trip.

Sounds like your brother needs to vacation on his own, his way. He might be miffed now but sounds like this trip could lead to a bigger blowup.

 

[DisneyHardin]

My brother does NOT want out. He is completely in and wants our families to do this trip together. My husband does not want him to come. I will not tell my brother this under any circumstances.

Sorry. I mis-read when you said "what my brother wants out of the trip" as "my brother now wants out of the trip".

My apologies.

 

[DisneyWishes14]

OP, based on your description, it sounds like your brother is commandeering your trip and wants a ton of hand-holding to get him through his first trip to WDW, thereby making it HIS trip and not yours. I'm crying foul on this one! You and your DH planned your family's trip and have already made some great, hard-to-get plans. I would tell your brother, here is where we are staying, here are the parks and rides we are doing and here is where we are dining (if you can add them to existing ADR's, great. If not, they need to find alternative dining options). No changes. If they still want to go, so be it. If not, perhaps plan another trip with them in the future that is more geared to what that family wants to do and doesn't impede on the special things you have already planned.