Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[del12]

I’m 110% there with you wanting to find someone to share your life with. I want that for myself too. But what you don’t seem to realize is that you have to find ways to feel fulfilled on your own first.

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled, instead I feel lonely despite having a lot of friends. I don't feel complete because I'm single and I feel like a loser because I'm single and I don't have kids.

 

[Wendy1985]

Op your thoughts and feelings remind me if how I felt almost to a t before I was dignosed with depression councling and meds helped, then I got very active and that helped

 

[NYCgrrl]

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled, instead I feel lonely despite having a lot of friends. I don't feel complete because I'm single and I feel like a loser because I'm single and I don't have kids.

You've been saying things like this since January or February: unloved/self pitying in the midst of many friends. Perhaps your best option is to see a therapist. No shame in the doing and it would show true want of change. Yes, I know you said you don't like them but maybe you just met the wrong one. Continuing in this vein will just make the constant blue funk seem normal.
Be your best.

 

[gillep]

I agree with all the others. You need to be happy being 'you' before anyone else will want to be with you. You also should never have a child to fill a void in yourself.

I really want to recommend therapy again, although I am sure there is nothing I can say that others haven't. I am 35 years old and have been branching out to new friend groups over the past 5 years because of moves and working from home, it has been difficult to cultivate friends. I have found three separate groups of women over the past 5 years, all 20-40 yrs in age, and the majority of the women from each group has been in therapy, or counseling of some sort at one point in their lives, myself included. There is no stigma, we all just freely talk about it and how much it has helped. I know that it has been heavily stigmatized in the past, but in my age group it really is very common and accepted, for anyone who still stigmatizes it, that says more about them than about therapy itself. Therapy is a tool like any other, there is no reason to make more out of it than there is, it doesn't mean you are pathetic or weak, it means you recognize that something in your life could be better so you are taking active steps to get there.

 

[Moliphino]

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled, instead I feel lonely despite having a lot of friends. I don't feel complete because I'm single and I feel like a loser because I'm single and I don't have kids.

That sounds like depression. A significant other or a child won't fix it.

 

[disneychrista]

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled, instead I feel lonely despite having a lot of friends. I don't feel complete because I'm single and I feel like a loser because I'm single and I don't have kids.

That’s because you are depressed and likely need medication. You don’t seem to want help. You just want to have a pity party!

Being single. Being left out. It SUCKS.

Being 48 and Being single, being alone Having no friends. Getting your heart & spirit trampled on. IT SUCKS. IT ALL SUCKS!

 

[Kitty 34]

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled, instead I feel lonely despite having a lot of friends. I don't feel complete because I'm single and I feel like a loser because I'm single and I don't have kids.

OK, you and we DISers have been back and forth with you now. Get off this DIS site and find real people that hopefully can fix your real feelings/problems. I know I'm very real but I am just internet to you......

 

[del12]

You've been saying things like this since January or February: unloved/self pitying in the midst of many friends. Perhaps your best option is to see a therapist. No shame in the doing and it would show true want of change. Yes, I know you said you don't like them but maybe you just met the wrong one. Continuing in this vein will just make the constant blue funk seem normal.
Be your best.

I would still feel shame in seeing a therapist because there are some things in my life I don't have to get help with. I have to ask for help for a lot of things since Im in a wheelchair.

 

[MusicalAstronaut]

I can't see myself having a good time at the wedding because it will just be depressing for a number of reasons one being that I'm not married either and I will be sad seeing other friends in the wedding party having fun and being honored by the bride and groom. It's more about always being left out and time has pretty much run out as I don't see any remaining unmarried friends or relatives asking me to be in their weddings if they were to get married.

My advice still stands. You have no way of knowing what the decision process was. Heck, there are grooms who hardly get a say in their own weddings. There may have been other issues at play--you just have no way of knowing.

Honestly, it sounds to me like there's a lot more of your personal baggage affecting your reaction to what is, in the general scheme of things, a minor thing. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about your overall feelings--like you'll never get married, you're always excluded, and so forth. It seems like you could use a little help, sorting through your feelings. I mean that in the nicest way possible--sometimes an objective eye can help you see that you're overreacting. Or not--but you still have to learn to deal with the circumstances in front of you.

Whether or not you are overreacting is irrelevant. You are clearly affected in a profound way that sounds a lot like you would benefit by speaking to someone about your feelings. A therapist can help you sort through it all.

OP, reading your posts, I agree that you may want to talk to a therapist. There is a lot that goes into picking a wedding party. Some of it is family politics and a lot of it is that people in the wedding party will be doing a lot of work. They have to spend money to be in the wedding, they have to help set up/tear down, maybe wrangle people from the airport to venue to reception, plan bridal showers and bachelor parties....when I chose my bridal party there was a big difference between my favorite people to hang out with and who I wanted to be relying on for this stuff. It saddens me to hear you say that you don't even want to go to the wedding now or that you don't even think you can talk to your friend.

 

[kaytieeldr]

My friend married her ex at 33, she admits it was a mistake, she felt like he was her last chance. She is so much happier after her divorce.

Now that you mention it, one of my cousins married at 30, divorced by 32, and hasn't remarried in, wait a minute...33 years.

 

[del12]

OP, reading your posts, I agree that you may want to talk to a therapist. There is a lot that goes into picking a wedding party. Some of it is family politics and a lot of it is that people in the wedding party will be doing a lot of work. They have to spend money to be in the wedding, they have to help set up/tear down, maybe wrangle people from the airport to venue to reception, plan bridal showers and bachelor parties....when I chose my bridal party there was a big difference between my favorite people to hang out with and who I wanted to be relying on for this stuff. It saddens me to hear you say that you don't even want to go to the wedding now or that you don't even think you can talk to your friend.

I'm a reliable friend and I have helped friends in the past when they have dealt with illnesses, deaths in their families etc. I have driven people to airports, picked up flowers and supplies for funerals, birthday parties, and othe rcelebrations.

 

[VandVsmama]

I would still feel shame in seeing a therapist because there are some things in my life I don't have to get help with. I have to ask for help for a lot of things since Im in a wheelchair.

So what you're perhaps saying is that you're too proud to go seek mental health assistance, even though you know that you might need it. Mental health issues are medical problems, too. Some mental health issues require a psychiatrist (an MD). Other mental health issues require another type of professional...licensed therapist, for example...the mental health equivalent, perhaps, of a physical therapist...can't prescribe meds, but gives you tools & works with you on hard exercises to get your brain & body working in a different way so you can be a more effective and happy person in your daily life.

The problem right now has nothing to do with being an attendant in somebody's wedding. It's not a problem that can be solved by having a child, by adopting a child, by having a girlfriend, or by getting married.

You need to find a way to get some inner Zen within yourself. SOME sort of way where you are at peace with yourself, your life, who you are as a person. When you reach that point, the right woman will come along. If you are at the point where you are getting zero personal satisfaction from anything in your life, then THAT is a problem. It's a problem that needs to be addressed with assistance from a professional who specializes in helping people with that sort of thing. It's NOT a problem that a girlfriend or wife will be able to solve for you.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yes, I want someone to share my life with. I'm tired of having no to come home to. For me a relationship would help me in many ways, it would help me feel fulfilled.

THat burden is 100% unfair and unreasonable to place on another person.

For me, there are no benefits to being single. It makes my life than it has to be. I always feel somewhat left out when I go to events with married friends and their spouses. I don't enjoy being home alone at night and always having to tell people that I'm single and not married.

If I could easily adopt as a single parent, I would do it in a heartbeat so I wouldn't be so alone in my life.

Why do you have to tell anybody you're single and not married??? That's redundant. Even more curious, though, is why you have to advise your existing friends of your marital status at all? Do they not already know?

I wouldn't be putting additional responsibilities on a child. It would be a normal parent/child relationship, but it would just be different as I would be a single parent.

Having or raising a child to make oneself feel better or happy is a ridicu!ous burden on the child.

Nothing I do on my own makes me feel fulfilled

Then do other things.

But most important: get counseling.

 

[RamblingMad]

Being in a wedding sucks. I’ve done it twice now, and I didn’t like it either time. The day feels like it’s never going to end. It’s definitely not like on TV or in the movies.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I would still feel shame in seeing a therapist because there are some things in my life I don't have to get help with. I have to ask for help for a lot of things since Im in a wheelchair.

The biggest part you seem to be overlooking is that you DO need help with this.This is one of those things. A therapist won't find you a significant other, but may be able to help you become the best you. And who knows, maybe that person will attract the right person. You are putting a lot of pressure on a potential significant other to bring you happiness and I can imagine if this is your attitude in person, why they don't stick around. That isn't to say you're a bad person or undeserving, just that this amount of negativity is hard.

But also, people are not mind readers. Since you continue to do all these things with your friends, they may think everything is ok. If it isn't ok with you, speak up! People can't fix problems they don't know about.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

No child should be born with a job.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

All of the weddings I have gone to had the groomsmen handle the ushering duties. Perhaps it's a regional thing.

I've seen this mentioned a few times. I've personally attended weddings with or without separate ushers in the same region. Examples of weddings that had separate ushers are when a bride wanted to include her uncles in the wedding, once a groom had more close family & friends than the bride had, another time the bride & groom wanted to include their first cousins & there were more males than females. I've seen a female the groom wanted to include in some way act as an usher. That's just a few examples off the top of my head. I've also seen many weddings where the groomsmen acted as ushers. I don't consider either situation unusual.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

It can be to easy to say how we shouldn’t need anybody. But that isn’t always true. People need people. Especially when we are in vulnerable times and really do need help. I don’t know how it is for this person to get by every day. How much assistance they might really need to live life the way they should. And I don’t know how much disability assistance they are getting like on a regular basis. I am thinking that some of these words about how we shouldn’t need somebody are just not helpful at all. Maybe not good.
I know people who are very limited by things like conditions and old age. They need people. People need people.

I understand this persons feelings! The only thing is how he is handling all of this. He needs to realize that he does need some help. He needs to realize that his feelings are okay. But how he is handling them is not. I would hope that he sees that some counseling or therapy or other things are what can help and maybe even turn things around a little bit.

 

[KayMichigan]

Dude, I'm not sure what you want us to tell you. Every piece of advice is just shot down with refusals and excuses. Nothing is going to change if you won't do anything to help yourself.

There is nothing wrong with seeking therapy and it will help you to feel better.

 

[disneychrista]

. I am thinking that some of these words about how we shouldn’t need somebody are just not helpful at all.

No one is saying people don’t need people. The OP ADMITTEDLY has a group of friends. The OP is saying only having a Wife and child can make him happy.