Can I vent?

[ktbugsmom]

I bought into DVC about 3 years ago after renting points 2 times. I love my DVC (own at BWV - but have stayed at BWV, BCV, OKW and WLV - love them all - but love my BWV best of all) and cherish my annual (sometimes bi-annual) vacations with my family. We have found that January works great for us. Slow time for me and my husband at work. Slow time at the parks. Weather has been decent for us the last 3 years. It is just perfect for us.

My vent? Not about DVC at all... (I love my DVC ) but my vent is over a friend who has just "crashed" my January 2008 vacation. (yes - my BWV studio is booked and plane tickets are booked, Magical Express reserved too)

How did she crash? Well, she asked when we were going and then she booked a timeshare place off sight during the same time. Then proceeds to tell me she is SO excited to go to Disney with me because I know so much and can help her out, take her and her family around etc etc. And - it gets better... she has a family of 4 - but has booked a 3 bedroom and possibly another 2 bedroom so she can "bring some more people with..." (She bought a huge number of points that she will never be able to use and got "bonus" points for the first two years - so she is using a bunch on this trip).

Anyway, now I am trying to figure out how to gracefully handle this. I have NO desire to be a tour guide for this family and who ever else comes along! I have this vision of me with a red flag fighting the crowds bringing the entire brood from ride to ride... it is a nightmare vision!

So - I just needed to get that out of my system. I know that anyone has the right to go to Disney whenever they want. (obviously!). However, this person knows how I cherish my family time and my Disney time. I feel a bit blind sided - especially when she makes comments about "I can't wait to go to Disney with you."

At least we will be at different resorts - so maybe I won't have to worry so much. I can just plan my days, meals etc and if they can be there - fine, but I don't wait for anyone. (Ask my husband - he has been left in the room before... but he was perfectly happy to sleep in an extra hour!)

Thanks for letting me vent... I know this is a long tirade, so don't worry about responding. I just feel better getting out of my system with people who "get it". Thanks!!

 

[kpgclark]

I'd say something like "you'd hate to go to WDW with us. We kind of do things at the spur of the moment. How about if we get together for coffee ahead of time and I'll tell you some tips for touring on your own?"

 

[alldiz]

I would also....try to help her plan....

Let her know...maybe you can have a few meals together....
but navigating the park with a group is next to impossible..

Hard for a family of 4
Kerri

 

[MissyDVC]

I would very nicely say how happy you are that they were getting to go to WDW and that you'd be happy to go over some information with them beforehand. But I would explain that this is a family trip that you take to spend time together alone as a family. Some people don't naturally understand boundaries so you have to set them yourself. I hope you have a wonderful trip

 

[Copperline]

Yep, what all of the above posters said. Then I'd conveniently forget to turn my cell phone on during my vacation. If you do decide to hang out with her at all during the vacation, have some "cast in stone" plans on either side of the time allotted for her, so that you can't make it until x time and MUST leave by x time. She'll get the point....

 

[NewJerseyDVCMembers]

You have caught a very serious Disney related parasite. The dreaded "Disney Leech", serious enough to ruin even the most avid DVC members good time. Here is our perscription on removing the leech or at least to minimize its blood-sucking... sorry... fun-sucking ability.

Step One.
Upon entering your DVC accomodation immediatley "set-up" your voice mail with a personal message. Add to the end of the voice mail the following... "We are out enjoying everything the world has to offer, try us on our cell"

Step Two.
Shut off your cell!

If the leech still hasn't fallen off by the end of the second day try the following.

Soak! Fill your in room jaccuzzi tub and sit in it while your phone rings, instruct all persons in your room not to touch the phone. If you are in a studio use any hot tub located in the pool area of your resort. If after a good soaking the leech still hasn't released you may wish to take a more proactive approach, ahead of the vacation.

Point out to your "friend" all the bonuses of being a DVC member as opposed to staying off property. Parking, Extra Magic Hours, discounts and such. The EMH's may be a good one to start with. Explain that you will be in the parks before she can get in and that you may or may not do a few attractions ahead of time. Thus negating your "tour-guide" abilities.

Finally if none of these remedies seems good, just rip the leech off and buy her a 2008 Birnbaums guide for Christmas and tell her to read it herself!!!

 

[ktbugsmom]

You guys are all SO wonderful! Thanks for understanding. Before you think me an ogre - I do LOVE to help people plan Disney vacations. Just recently I wrote up a 7 page "park plan" for a family of six - husband, wife, 14, 13 and 5 and 4 year old kids. With the age differences, I had to give them "options" on how to handle the parks so it would be fun for all - but not too stressful... it was fun and I enjoyed putting it together. I was told it worked out very very well!

But, this friend has been asking for the last 2 years "when can we go to Disney". I have been trying to avoid it because I know we won't travel well together. Our styles are different (they are late for everything - we are early for everything) and our kids are different. Our daughters are the same age - but my daughter is outgoing, social and daring - she has been riding Tower of Terror since 4.5 years old and Splash Mountain and Rockin Roller coaster are favorite rides - and their daughter is whiney and not very adventurous.

Plus, again, I LOVE my special family time at Disney. I know if they are around, they won't leave us alone and that will drive us nuts! Me especially... my husband is a saint - (really!). He would even play "defense" and hang out with them so I could take our daughter and do the things we love to do without being bothered. But I can't do that to him and I don't want to not be with him on our family vacation.

That being said - I am going to create my plan and help her create hers. I am going to take advantage of early morning hours (they can't) and I am going to book some "hard to get" dining reservations 6 months out... then I can say we have plans.

I love all of your other suggestions as well... those of us who know Disney know it can be tough to coordinate with others. We went last year with another couple and their son. We travel very very well with this family. We would go our separate ways, meet up for meals etc. Sometimes even then it was hard. You get stuck in a line. The bus takes longer to get someplace than it should etc. However, we were all flexible and knew our way around the parks.

Again - thanks to all for understanding... like I said, I just had to vent. I am SOOOO glad that there are others that completely understand.

 

[hellerjw]

I agree with the other posters. Take advantage of your "always early" habits to get a jump on things each day. If you are already in the park they may never find you anyway, especially if you give out only vague hints of your whereabouts (ex. We will be at the Magic Kingdom part of the day)

If you are feeling generous one day you could plan a meeting place/time and do a quick meal or watch fireworks etc. I agree that you need to set the boundaries ahead of time, especially since this is your family time and the 2 groups personalities are so different.

The few times we have gone with other groups/families I found it pretty easy to break away, especially with opposing styles in play. A good "let's go on a scary or wet ride" usually will deter the cranky or timid, so that's always a good card to be holding just in case. If nothing else it will give you an hour or so break before they can meet up with you again.

You have every right to make an escape, both literally and figuratively, since this is your special time.

 

[ktbugsmom]

You guys are great. All wonderful suggestions. My biggest problem is that I am not good about confrontation. My husband's suggestion was to be up front and let them know that "this is a family vacation" and "we need family time"... which would probably be the most adult thing to do!

I will see if I can get up the courage to be an adult and make that point before January... then if I find myself at Disney and caving and waiting for them while at the parks (which trust me - I KNOW would happen) - I will then remember to turn off my cell phone and play the avoidance routine!

I think also being able to escape back to our villa will be a good thing. We can use the "guests only" rule and see if that works. Funny, my sister knows this person and told me "Don't let them see BWV. They will love it and will buy there! Then you will be in real trouble."

I should point out that this friend really is a good person... it is just that I have no desire to travel with them as a family. I did one time - and it was pure hell. Played the waiting game all weekend. The kids had completely different styles. It was a skiing weekend - my daughter picked up skiing immediately - theirs did not - so they didn't want to ski and whined a lot... It drove me crazy. We were late for dinners, ski lessons - everything. I was out of my mind. I have no desire for a repeat of that horror!

 

[Wendy1953]

I totally agree with the OP's.....give her info, help her plan, and explain to her that you hardly ever get family time so you cherish every moment of it. You are willing to help her plan, and if at all possible you may be able to eat a breakfast/lunch/or dinner with her and her troop, but you need to be able to do what you and your family wants the whole week. Also mention to her that being you are staying onsite, you get extra magic hours that they don't and you want to take advantage of those, so you'll be planning your trip around those hours. Hopefully, you can get her set up with an itinerary of her own, and then shut off your cell phone, don't pick up your DVC phone unless you want to spend time with her. the old forgot to charge the phone so left it to charge in the room / left it on the table in the room / changed pocketbooks and forgot the phone was in the other one / must have been on a ride or watching one of the shows and didn't hear it ring....so sorry I missed your call!

Hope you have a wonderful vacation!

 

[goldilocks_63]

Change your reservation and airline tickets....

Goldi

 

[Lizziemom]

I am confused why this is such a problem? Family time is number one in my book, always, no exceptions. Tell her you are on a family vacation, and you will catch up with friends on your return after vacation. I have no problem defending my time with my family, no guilt, no remorse.

Life is too short, and kids grow up so fast, friends are for later in my life.

Lizzie

 

[dianeschlicht]

Your DH is right...You do need to tell them the truth. Before you do that though, offer to make them a detailed touring plan like you said you had done for another family. Then build in 1 or 2 specific activities WITH them. If you are honest and open about your need and desire to just have a family vacation, they should understand that. No real "confrontation" involved if you are honest and open. By doing that, you can plan those 1 or 2 events with them and make your conscience feel clear too. I'm sure they will appreciate the touring plan as well.

Oh, and one other word of advice...When you plan those 1-2 events to do with them, make sure they are at the end of a day, and not early in the day. My suggestion would be something like Fantasmic or Illuminations, or maybe a night time parade if one is going on when you are there.

Believe me, honesty truly is the best policy here, and there is no confrontation if you are offering something in return (the touring plan and 1-2 events planned with them).

 

[Mississippian]

A couple of suggestions, echoing those of others.

1. Explain that it is impossible for a large group to tour the parks, and that because you have been so many times you just decide where you are going on short notice.

2. Plan an event or two of some sort. I suggest perhaps eating at Ohana and then sitting on the beach and watching the Water Pageant, and perhaps the fireworks afterwards. The adults can enjoy a drink or a beer.

3. A half-day at Typhoon Lagoon or Blizzard Beach is something that you are doing together, but really everyone is doing their own thing.

Good luck!

 

[Goofy's apprentice]

Lots of good advice here. I agree with being up front and planning a get together with an easily definable ending. Don't invite back to your room/villa !

If you are having trouble being fully honest, think about this....

If you play 'tour guide' this time, you will probably do a fantastic job, sounds like your good at it......the end result....THEY WILL PROBABLY LOVE IT AND PLAN TO JOIN YOU ON FUTURE VACATIONS AGAIN !

Be strong now so that you avoid an even bigger problem... I'm sure many here will back me up that once you vacation with a particular group, some expect that this will reoccur on a regular basis in the future....

Good luck !

 

[BroganMc]

I'm sorry but I'm just not mean enough to tell someone outright they aren't wanted, even if it's true.

But on the bright side, no one can force you to plan for them. So your #1 goal is to keep yourself from giving into your "Helper Bunny" instincts.

- Don't share your plan details but feel free to share your likes/dislikes.
- Plan one or two group-friendly gatherings like fireworks, parades or meals. That way you aren't hurting feelings irreparably by making your friends feel unwanted.
- Do not attempt a group ride because it just won't work. You'll get lost in the queue, end up sitting in different cars, boats or rows.
- If you have a group gathering planned, let them know there is a hard and fast deadline. If they miss it, go without them. (As someone who is chronically late and comes from a family with the inherited disease, we frequently use the "Be late and we disown you" rule. Works great for movies, meals, shows, weddings, anything with an exact start time. Anyone who misses due to tardiness has only themselves to blame.)
- Only invite them to your resort if there's something you can do as a group, like a meal. If you're going to give them an afternoon of togetherness then be prepared for the sacrifice.
- Most likely they will invite you to see their resort. That's when I'd be vague and unavailable, unless you're dying to see the resort.

I've traveled to Disney several times with my siblings' families. (17 of us in 4 different family groups.) I've been through pretty much everything. The best plan with a group that size is just a meal, fireworks and perhaps an afternoon parade with splits into smaller groups later for ride posses. The kids range from daredevil to scarity cat. The women can be accommodating to bossy. The men are the same. Pretty much the only way we keep from making each other fume or cry is to keep our plans light and make them long before the trip. Impromptu planning almost never works. Too many minds to convince.

Good luck!

 

[ktbugsmom]

Lizziemom,
I agree this should not be an issue. However, with this friend it will be. My mother teases me that she acts like we are still in high school. (trust me - we are both over 40!) If I am friends with someone else or do something with someone else - she gets upset. If we can't make it to her house for some party - she gets upset. More than once she has come over to my home in tears because she felt we were not being good enough friends because we were not over at her house for every single party.

It has been an odd friendship. One that takes too much emotional energy on my part. But, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I know that if I tell her I want my family time - she will think it is purely because I don't want to be with her. While that is somewhat true (due to the different personalities when it comes to vacationing and kids) - it is more about me having my family trip.

And, as stated- I hate confrontation - and this will be a confrontation in her eyes. She is going to be hurt and upset that I don't want to spend my entire vacation with her...She is kind of an "all or nothing" kind of person. When we went skiing, she insisted on skiing with me and my husband. She and her husband could not keep up with us - so we would end up waiting at the bottom of the hill for 10-15 minutes. We tried to get away, but each time there was this guilty "why? Aren't you having fun? Let's just do one more run..." We never felt we could break away.

But, I am going to go with many of the wonderful suggestions here, First of all, I will be an adult and contact her in advance and let her know where I stand on this. I think helping her plan her days that would better suit her kids will work. I will point out that my DD is a Disney pro (she is - 8 trips under her belt by age 7!) and her kids are less daring and "novices" - Fantasyland will be more their speed to start and I can point out that my DD would be bored there - she'll be begging for BTMRR, Splash and Space Mtn!

I think the suggestions to meet up with them on a couple different occassions would be good - maybe Ohana for a fun dinner or Epcot for Illuminations or something. Those ideas would be workable and require less "planning" and "organizing". If they are late for Illuminations - I can still see it and just walk back to my resort - with nothing lost!

 

[dianeschlicht]

Your friend sounds pretty high maintenance. She also sounds like a "one sided" friend. A taker, but not a giver. A real friend, if given the reasoning of family time, should understand and accept that. I do still think that you can make it work, but it will BE work to make it work too. You might have to do lots of pre-travel planning work, but I'm guessing you can make it work for everyone by apealing to her better judgement. Just keep being rational.

 

[ktbugsmom]

BroganMC -

I just had to respond - all of your comments are SO true. I loved them.

That is probably why my marriage to my husband works so well. He allows me to make all of the plans and decisions at Disney! If he had his own ideas of where to go and what to see - we would be at odds...but, he trusts me and just follows along. It works perfectly.

I also like the deadline idea. Put it this way - here has been this family's schedule with us for the last couple things we have planned:

We were meeting for dinner at 6:30pm at a restaurant. They showed up at 7:30pm with whiney, tired and cranky kids. (Imagine that...).

My daughter's birthday started at 5pm on a Friday night - with dinner at 5:30pm. They showed up at 5:45pm. (The husband is a stay at home dad - so no excuse for being late. The kids were out of school at 3pm...)

They invited us for dinner at 6pm. We did not eat until 8pm.

So - I will definitely invoke the "if you are late... we leave" rule. Put it this way - I don't stand in lines at Disney that are more than 10 minutes long (planning and fast passes make this work!) - so why would I wait around for someone for more than that?

 

[ktbugsmom]

dianeschlicht,
You are right about the friendship - but if you asked her - she would say that I am the taker and she is the giver. She is willing to put friends first always. She remembers my birthday and my husband's each year and comes over bearing gifts. I tend to forget hers (and all of my other friend's birthdays for that matter) - because come on, we are over that, aren't we? I don't feel a need to get every friend a present for their birthday. I couldn't afford it anyway!

The main issue is that I put family first - she puts friends first. She would rather have a house full of friends and go on vacations with friends than spend time alone with her family. In fact, she can not be alone.

Me - I LOVE my time with my family. My husband and I both work - so any free time we have - we use to be together. Gee... like now. My husband is working on his computer and I am "working" on mine! (Okay - I am grading papers in between these messages!)

But yes - rational would be good. I will try to meet up with her and discuss the situation and get her ready for my adult conversation!